DVD Reviews (4)

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The review offerings for this issue were a very mixed bag of 18s and R18s - and by the end of his viewing session, our faithful reporter was using his trusty tissues to wipe his eyes as well...

Toy Stories

If you enjoy watching women - because there are only women in here - masturbating, then this is a disc that you might very well want to add to your collection. Coming via The Adult Channel offerings from The Big Jim Productions stable, this is a 72-minutelong voyeuristic voyage through nine different episodes of nine different and quite attractive women wanking, using their fingers and a range of toys. Hence the title - Buzz Lightyear isn't in it... although several buzzy things are.

It is one of my overriding complaints about so many DVDs that, an R18 version would be so much better, and it must exist somewhere. Plain 18s can almost do the job, and can be supplied through a wider range of channels, but let's get real - they're not what people really want and it's about time the law was clarified to allow anyone who wants to retail the R18 versions. Not wanting to get political, but a degree of this is a taxed licence issue. I know of several adult shops that won't stock R18 material due to the massive licence fee for so doing, and they're wary about what they sell just to make sure they don't topple into the higher licence band. However, enough whingeing about the current stupid system, and back to the film.

There is a good variety of body-shapes and looks, so there is something here to suit everyone. My personal favourite is lady number six - Paris. Maybe slightly more mature than the average model, but gorgeous. As well as very obviously having a good time, she starts off in nice clothes and keeps her hold-ups and shoes on throughout, including a good vibro DP element. Plus, she has a lovely modicum of pubic hair. While a bush that looks like Brian May in a hurricane isn't very attractive, I'm sure that many people, like me, are wearying of the 'last turkey in the shop' look that seems, increasingly, to be becoming the norm.

The disc comes with very limited features, which include a trailer of the film that you're already watching! You can scene select from the main menu, but it is annoying that in between each scene is yet another trailer for - yeah, you've guessed it - the film you're already watching.

For what it is, it's OK at only around £9.99

Rated 18, it's available from many sources but I can't give it any more than 5 out of 10.
RRP £24.95 CherryBliss price £14.95
Available from www.CherryBliss.com

Cocks and Throbbers

A 2003 film from Tongue in Cheek Limited and lasting 72 minutes, the title rightly prepares you for a spoof-based series of scenes - of which there are five. Puns run throughout with the two main characters, who are plain-clothed police officers, being called 'Spit' (a blond girl), and 'Roast' (a black guy).

Spit and Roast are constantly on the hunt for the two wanted faces called Catwoman - not surprisingly a cat burglar - dressed in a latex bodysuit and appropriate mask - and Mousehole - a rather mousy looking blond girl who normally doesn't dress in very much.

Scene one - a spoof that could have come straight out of a bad early episode of The Bill - takes place in a men's public convenience. In between the gasping 'Oh yeahs!' there is, actually, some dialogue and the repeatedly flushing urinal adds to the general sleaziness of the scenario.

Before being confronted, Mousehole takes a pee by straddling the men's trough and this little bit alone will appeal to any ws enthusiast. She is then apprehended and Spit joins Roast in giving the crim a good seeing to, including living up to their soubriquets with the extensive use of a strap-on. There is lesbian play, both ways, and much overt sucking of the strap-on dong. (Quite why it is OK to show this sucking of a realisticlooking cock openly in an 18 film and yet not the real thing must remain one of the seven million plus mysteries of what passes for the English legal system.)

In scene 2, Catwoman appears for the first time. This is a quite long M&F 'suck, fuck, lots-of-Oohs-and-Aahs interlude that will be especially enjoyed by latex lovers. After a really good lesbian session between Catwoman and Mousehole that involves some lovely 69 shots and a finishing off with dildo self-masturbation, we arrive at a totally different scene that is actually my favourite. It's an MMF encounter in an office involving very smartly dressed participants - one pretending to be the mayor - including one with that striking look of the efficient, frustrated and slightly older secretary letting go. A good little cameo that - if we haven't actually indulged at work, have certainly fantasised about it! It finishes with a DP and double BJ.

Back, then, to the chase for the villains and the film and with all four main protagonists doing every imaginable thing to each other and includes liberal use of the strap-ons.

All in all, a fun film that covers most aspects of interplay, has some dialogue and, you could argue, a degree of plot.

This disc retails for around £9.99 for the 18 version and I rate it as about a 6.5 out of 10. The hardcore version is apparently available and I'd give that edit another point.
Regular price £19.95
CherryBliss price £9.95
Available from www.CherryBliss.com

Oral Obsession

Harmony films are getting better and better. The title gives it away, but there is nothing more in this than cock-sucking.
Nothing less, either, and it is brilliantly shot and produced in HD.Whether or not you would watch this from start to finish is another matter. It is a massive three hours and fifty-four minutes long, on two discs that contain fifteen scenes.

Also, it holds a range of extras: a gallery of over sixty stills from the films is backed up by a replay of the cum-shots for the impatient (or should it be the in-patient?) as well as trailers for some of their other titles.

I can imagine this being played at a club, or on your plasma screen in the background, just to keep 'the old man' from flagging.

One could argue, that it is rather repetitive - given the length - but there are some very nice diversionary vignettes. Disc two is where it is all really at. Scene five, although right at the end, is one to look out for and has a pretty good lesbian encounter including a vibe interlude that features one of the most delectable pussies that you can imagine and makes you almost want to leap across the room and lick the television screen. It then becomes a very greedy affair with both girls appearing almost desperate to get their lips around the cock, and finishes with a prolonged and intense oral cumswapping session.

However, the best has already happened. Scene one on disc two is pure bukkake. One very tasty heeled and stockinged girl, working her way through, and pleasuring, six excited guys. The disc is worth buying for this event alone. Sadly, in many ways, it makes the rest of the package look not that great. It shouldn't. Each scene has its own merits, but, I suspect that like me, you'll keep cumming back to this episode.

Do I have any problems with this ? Only one. The 'extras' in the main menu (which is on disc two and should be on disc one) allow you to activate French subtitles. Is this a joke that I've missed or is it pointless? After all, choking, gagging and slurping sound much the same in any language.

After chewing the gristle, I give this 8.5 out of 10. It will appeal to virtually everyone who enjoys sex, but, particularly, to those who love the sight of a pretty woman sucking cock. Or, who just enjoy the sight of a stiffy being pleasured.

Obviously, rated as R18
Available from Harmony
Price £24.99 www.harmonyuk.com

La Chambre Gang Bang

As the title suggests, this film was shot in the well-known La Chambre club in Sheffield and features a gang-bang that involves several 'rounds' of fun. For those of you who don't know, La Chambre is situated on the Attercliffe Road and gives a new meaning to the expression for a sharp head-nutting regularly used by a Scouse friend of mine - the 'Attercliffe Kiss'.

The film was masterminded by Johnny Rebel (aka John Mason), who is a photographer, performer and pornographer (his own words), is produced and distributed by Phoenix Films, and available in most R18 outlets throughout the UK.

The single comes in at a huge three hours and forty-six minutes and is shot in high definition. But what is really good about it, is that it is shot from two cameras and all through the film you get the option of switching from view 1 to view 2. This does mean that it is actually only half the length, but does give you the opportunity to move to the angle that you'd rather see. Remember how many times you may have thought, 'This is pretty good, but I'd like to see it from the other side.'Well, this film offers this option. Shot in a real swinger's club, it feels like it, and it's especially good to see viewers looking through the window in the background, which adds to the authenticity of the atmosphere.

While Phoenix distributes Johnny's films, he also has web-site of his own, www.johnnyrebel.com which is well worth a look, and from where you can join and download many of his other offerings. As you probably gather, this is R18 stuff, and prices vary depending on your local retailer. This disc and the web-site are certainly a very refreshing look at swingers in their natural element (even though some of Johnny's participants are clearly paid actresses), and it is nice to have a different slant without everyone involved appearing to be a professional and scripted porn performer.

For what it is - a look at what a real swinging club in action can look like - it is worth 7 out of 10.

Available from all good adult shops
Retails for around £20-£25