jokes share

This is my first new topic that i've posted!! So i thought i'd put one that anyone can share on and hopefully it'll make people smile.

A local vicar was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night,and heard a loud party in progress as he approached the house.
He knocked on the door and the owner answered.
Behind him,he saw a circle of naked men,with blindfolded women moving from man to man.They were fondling each man's cock and guessing who it belonged to.
The vicar,seeing this,said,"I'm sorry,i don't think i'd fit in here at the moment"
"Nonsense," the man replied,"Your name's been called 3 times already!"

Come on and join in!!!

You silly sod , I love that joke

Man walks into a bar











OUCH

First, I really hope this doesn't piss off all of the lovely, charming, witty, intelligent blonde ladies here....

A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosties back in the box..."

Travelling by rail recently I was awaiting my train when the announcer came on

" the next train arriving on platform 4 is the 12.15 to london Euston"
fearing for my life I leapt from the platform onto the railway where I was immediately mown down by an intercity 125

When will Railway announcers get it right?

bloke goes into the library and asks if he can borrow a book on suicide!?!

librarian replies.... piss off you'll never bring it back!!

A young lad's out talking to his dad one day, and for some reason the subject turned to sex, the lad now being almost at "THAT" age...........

"dad" the lad enquired..."what does a womens vagina look like?"

his dad thought long and hard how to answer the question tastefully and tactfully, without encouraging further questioning.............

"well son" said the somewhat embrassed father....."before sex a womans vagina's just like a flower, glistening in the morning sun, covered in dew, just waiting to unfurl......."

the lad was somewhat taken aback by his dad's poetic turn of phrase, and pondered silently for a good while..............

"well dad?" he said...."so what's it like AFTER sex???????"

and his dad really tried hard and thought for a long while......

"well son" he said.........


<< and if you want the punchline, you'll have to pm me cos i'll get lynched........blokes only please! >>


neil x x x

Im off to see if I can remember any jokes.

What do you mean Neil? I would never consider using such coarse language and sexual induendos. I was absolutely disgusted with the punchline.

Only joking. Yeah, I had heard it before, I just wasn't sure how it ended myself.

Go on Neil, it is only a joke. You started it you should do the honours of finishing it.

Now that wasn't so hard was it.

To be honest I would of done it for you if you asked nicely.

You want jokes????????????????????????????????

Heres a collection, some sad, some dirty, some just plain CRAP!!

1) Little girl goes into a barbers and stands next to the chair eating a cake. "You gonna get hair on your muffin" says the barber. "i know," replies the girl, "i'm gonna get tits too!!"

2) Teacher: "john, why is your cat at school today?"
John (crying) "i heard the postman say to my mom.... "when the kid goes to school i'm gonna eat your pussy!"

3) This is particulaly appropriate due to the nature of this site................................
2 couples decide to swap partners. After 3 hours of hot passionate sex,one says, "f**k, that was good, i wonder how the girls are doing?"

4) "Dad, i've just had sex for the first time!"
"Thats great son," says Dad taking 2 beers out of the fridge. "Any questions?"
"Yeah, how long will my ass hurt?"

5) A cannibal is found crying next to a huge pile of poo. "Whats the matter?" a passer by asks. "I've just dumped my girlfriend!!" sniffs the cannibal.

6) I'm at the police station, been done for drink driving. The urine sample was positive so i nicked it. Now theyre doin me for takin the piss!!!!

7) Last night, i lay looking at the stars, the beautiful sky and the horizon, suddenly i thought....................................... WHERE THE F**K IS MY ROOF??????????????

8) A train is about to crash. A virgin strips off and shouts "Can anyone make me feel like a woman before i die?"
So a man takes off his clothes and says "Iron these, love!!"

9) Jesus said to John, "Come forth and I'll give you eternal life." John came 5th and won a toaster.

10) Mary had a little lamb, it ran into a pylon. Ten thousand volts went up its butt and turned its wool to nylon!

11) The Grand old duke of york, he had ten thousand men, and when he had the energy he had them all again!!

12) Little Girl.... "Mummy, i just found out the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut!!"
Mummy......." Why, cos its small?"
Little Girl......"No, its salty!!!"

13) Larry La Prise who wrote the Hokey Cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in..... then the fun started!!!

14) A child walks past parents bedroom and thinks "JEEZ!!!! and they think i need to see a psychologist for sucking my thumb!!"

Thanks for reading, hope you found at least a couple of these funny, i know i did!!!!!

Luv and hugz,

Lou!
xxxxxxx