Idiot's Guide To Swinging For The Single Male

so all my suspicions about swinging were true! i'm a geeeeeeenius

I was sure there was another chapter to this... and there is.

BTW, before I start, I would like to say a big thank-you to everyone whose jokes I nicked (especially steveg_nw for the "measure your penis starting from your anus" joke); as someone else once said, I ensure the continued high quality of my output by only stealing from the very best people.

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APPENDIX A: Chatroom Action

This is also a joke. Again, please don't follow the suggestions I make; you'll only make yourself look like a prize moron and piss off every other swinger in the chatroom. Just so there's no confusion.


1. What is the chatroom?

The SwingingHeaven chatroom is full of horny people who want sex with you, tonight! It's a great place to hook up at short notice; if you have an erection and want some action right now, just go to the chatroom and get it!


2. How do I start?

The first thing to do is choose a "NickName"; this is the name by which you will be known in the chatroom. Pick something catchy and fun, that really gets across who you are and what's most important about you. For example:

RogerBigKnob
9inchPussyPleaser
MassiveAssRocket
vwe_london_4_ladies

Don't choose boring names like:

JeremyDerive
Mathematician
roger743
HornyGuy

Those names aren't just dull; they're chronically boring! Remember that your nickname is your first chance to grab people's attention, so make it a good one.


3. I've chosen a nickname and entered the chatroom, what now?

You need to let the people in the room know you're there. But don't just say "Hello room" - that's a total waste of typing. Your greeting should say who you are, where you are, and what you want. For example:

"Hi, 27-year-old single guy, massive cock, looking for women, couples in Midlands"

One very effective tactic is called 'asl' - Age, Sex & Location. You just list these three key facts in one line, e.g.:

"27/m/Mids"

This short form may look weird to begin with, but the experienced swingers in the chatroom are very used to seeing it and will quickly understand what you're looking for.


4. What's a "pvt"?

If you followed the advice in step #3, you'll now be seeing lots of "pvts" - Private Messages (which are sometimes also called PMs or IMs). A Private Message is like a chatroom with just two people in it - yourself and the person who initiated the Private Message. You could try chatting women up in the chatroom, but because other women get jealous when they see someone else hooking up to a well-hung stud, it's best to do it in Pvt.

You can also send Pvts to other people.


5. I got told off by someone who said they're an "op"! What's that mean?

These are people who are too ugly or too small-dicked to get any action themselves, so they get off on trying to stop other swingers from getting any too. They're called "Ops" because they'd need an Operation (ie plastic surgery) before anyone would shag them.

Smart chatroom users ignore the ops; they're mostly just sad, jealous cases, sitting in their flats wanking over the few pages of their porno mag that aren't stuck together. If they keep on at you, tell them to go blow smoke up their arse.


6. Someone said I had to ask before I Pvt anyone! Is that right?

Yeah, and I bet they also told you you had to get married before you could have sex, right? The people who moan about this aren't real swingers; they're still stuck in an outdated, over-restrictive morality, and aren't in tune with the modern notion of no-strings sex between hot babes and well-hung super-studs. Tell these saddos that they've blown any chance they ever had of fucking you; that should shut them up!


7. I did this and I'm still not getting anything...

Just type your 'asl' again - you see, the chatroom is so successful at hooking guys up with girls, guys are always coming in and out and it's hard for the poor girls to keep up with the greetings as they scroll past. In general, it's best to say your 'asl' or repeat your greeting message every three or four minutes, for the benefit of anyone who missed it first time or has come into the room since then, and keep doing this until you're hooked up for the night.

If you're still not getting anywhere, maybe there's something wrong with your technique. Log out of the chatroom and log back in with a nickname that makes you sound like a hot babe - good choices are:

wetpussy49inches+
horny_babe_20
JulieTightBum
Busty_Annette_Lpool

Other guys will start sending you Pvts and you can see what kind of things they say, and get some ideas for improving the way you do things. When you're done, leave the chatroom & come back under your original name and you can put your new-found knowledge to work in getting you some pussy!

(WARNING: when using your female nickname, remember not to arrange any meets with other guys as they could be embarassing!)

There - you're sorted!

and if you have no luck still?

type '*************SEXY SLUTS PRESS 444 NOW**********'

what you'll want to do is select this and press 'ctrl c'. this will save what you have just typed. why spend valuable 'flirt' time typing it again, when you can now repeatedly press 'ctrl c', 'enter','ctrl c', 'enter','ctrl c', 'enter','ctrl c', 'enter'? successful flirters will know that the faster you do this the better.

Might as well get the car keys ready, you're guaranteed to succeed!

Roger, too true!

*APPLAUDS*

Absolutely Ace Roger - wel done for brightening my afternoon


Mal

very funny indeed.

Great work. But it doesn't feel finished without a chapter on John Leslie.

BLOODY damm good that was! lmao

owe my eyes hurt now wished i had put me glasses on


love debbie

ps i new i should of put me teeth in the other day! i just keep on getting!

4 getting!! .............. mm ya! that was what i was going to say!

Well i think?

So that's where they're all getting their ideas from
This should be stickied...it'll show us who has a sense of humour at least - only the ones who tried any of your 'advice' or did it already, wouldn't laugh.

Bev
xx

Many a true word......