well neil,
what do you think
Last edited by on 30th Aug 2004 - 8:41pm; edited 1 time in total
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willing but nervous!
<<< post edited in the interest of not looking a complete tw@t!
>>>
neil x x x x
Last edited by on 25th Apr 2004 - 1:33am; edited 1 time in total
<<< post edited in the interest of not looking a complete tw@t!
>>>
neil x x x x
Last edited by on 25th Apr 2004 - 1:33am; edited 1 time in total
damn you had me going for quite a good few minutes let me tell you!!!
<<< mops the sweat from his brow, and exhales!!! >>>
neil x x x x
<<< mops the sweat from his brow, and exhales!!!
>>>
neil x x x x
Helps me break the ice by being able to have a joke as my first post...
Two dwarves are out on the town and decide to pick up a couple of prostitutes and take them back to their hotel.
Back at the hotel they go into their rooms withe the women. Unfortunately the first dwarf cant get a hard on no matter what the woman does to himand spends the night depressed. His humour isn't helped by the fact that all he can hear from his friend's room next door is his friend shouting "One, two, three ugghhh" all night long.
The first dwarf is downtairs at breakfast the following day when his friend joins him.
"How was it?", asked the second dwarf.
"Feckin awful!", said the first. "I couldn't get a hard on all night!"
"You think that is depressing", said the second dwarf.."I couldn't even get on the bleedin bed!"
Two dwarves are out on the town and decide to pick up a couple of prostitutes and take them back to their hotel.
Back at the hotel they go into their rooms withe the women. Unfortunately the first dwarf cant get a hard on no matter what the woman does to himand spends the night depressed. His humour isn't helped by the fact that all he can hear from his friend's room next door is his friend shouting "One, two, three ugghhh" all night long.
The first dwarf is downtairs at breakfast the following day when his friend joins him.
"How was it?", asked the second dwarf.
"Feckin awful!", said the first. "I couldn't get a hard on all night!"
"You think that is depressing", said the second dwarf.."I couldn't even get on the bleedin bed!"
dazandlou wrote:
You want jokes????????????????????????????????
Heres a collection, some sad, some dirty, some just plain CRAP!!
You want jokes????????????????????????????????
Heres a collection, some sad, some dirty, some just plain CRAP!!
Nice one Lou
I liked 'em all.
If Nola can do it, so can I 
I'm not good at jokes but I'm sure there are folks out there who have some.
I'm not good at jokes but I'm sure there are folks out there who have some.
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman
In a brand new BMW
Doing 75Mph
With her face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The meat pie
Out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Mobile phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Bloody women drivers!!
In a brand new BMW
Doing 75Mph
With her face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The meat pie
Out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Mobile phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Bloody women drivers!!
While walking down the street one day a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
"No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
I thought this could do with an airing based on the current discussions regarding humour.
Lucy have u been talking to my paramours?
jokeshare
28th Feb 2009 - 7:55pm
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the lad for ages. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night he shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
He goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and he is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'you never said you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'You never said your father was a pharmacist.'
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the lad for ages. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night he shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
He goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and he is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'you never said you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'You never said your father was a pharmacist.'
A blind man goes for a job as a 'wood grader'.
At the interviw the foreman says you cannot do the wood grader job as you are blind.
The blind man explains that he can do the job perfectly as he has such a keen sense of smell and that his nose is able to detect all the wood types.
The forman says he will have to test him and takes him to the wood shed. He takes out a large sheet of wood - the blind man taks in a big sniff of it and pronounces "Swedish pine 1989"
The forman said you just got lucky there and produces another test sheet - the blind man taks another big sniff and pronounces "Northumberland Oak 1976"
He was spot on again so the foreman give him the job and goes into the office to do the paperwork. His secretary is hard at work on her PC. The forman explains to her that he has someone for the wood grader porsition and explains how good the blind man is. The secretay says lets have a laough with him - i'll lay on the desk with my knickers down and get him to sniff this.
The forman calls the blind man for this one last test. The secretary lays knickerless on the desk with her legs wide open.The blind man taks another big sniff and pronounces'
"I can't quite put a date on it but I think it is the bog door from a trawler".
At the interviw the foreman says you cannot do the wood grader job as you are blind.
The blind man explains that he can do the job perfectly as he has such a keen sense of smell and that his nose is able to detect all the wood types.
The forman says he will have to test him and takes him to the wood shed. He takes out a large sheet of wood - the blind man taks in a big sniff of it and pronounces "Swedish pine 1989"
The forman said you just got lucky there and produces another test sheet - the blind man taks another big sniff and pronounces "Northumberland Oak 1976"
He was spot on again so the foreman give him the job and goes into the office to do the paperwork. His secretary is hard at work on her PC. The forman explains to her that he has someone for the wood grader porsition and explains how good the blind man is. The secretay says lets have a laough with him - i'll lay on the desk with my knickers down and get him to sniff this.
The forman calls the blind man for this one last test. The secretary lays knickerless on the desk with her legs wide open.The blind man taks another big sniff and pronounces'
"I can't quite put a date on it but I think it is the bog door from a trawler".
A man staggers into A&E covered in cuts and bruises, 2 black eyes a broken arm and a 5 iron wrapped around his head.
DR asks, what happened to you?
Man replies: Well Dr, i was playing golf with my wife and on the 7th tee we both managed to slice our golf balls into a cow field, we both went to look for our balls and i found one wedged in a cow's fanny,
I yelled to my wife " this one looks like yours"
And i don't remember much after that really.....
DR asks, what happened to you?
Man replies: Well Dr, i was playing golf with my wife and on the 7th tee we both managed to slice our golf balls into a cow field, we both went to look for our balls and i found one wedged in a cow's fanny,
I yelled to my wife " this one looks like yours"
And i don't remember much after that really.....
in the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordhsire lives a woman called Sue Lykes. She is the landlady of the local pub "the cock inn" so all her mail arrives addressed as follows:-
Sue Lykes
The Cock Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts
if i was her i'd either change my name or move!!!
Sue Lykes
The Cock Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts
if i was her i'd either change my name or move!!!
