jokes share

farmer giles gets a call from his assitant paddy "hello there farmer giles ive had a bit of a accident i've run over a pig in my tractor and its stuck under the wheels still alive" so farmer giles replies "well shoot it and bury it then" half hour later farmer giles gets another phone call "hello there farmer giles i done that now what shall i do with the cunts speed camera?" lol

A drunk walking home through a graveyard, suddenly hears a female voice.

'Psst', she says, 'fancy a shag, only a tenner',

Thinking this a reasonable offer the drunk accepts and gets down to business with the woman.

A passing policeman, upon hearing this activity, goes to investigate and shines his torch in their faces, demanding 'What do you think you are doing?' to which the drunk replies 'I'm making love to my wife'

'I'm sorry' replies the policeman,' I didn't realise'

'No neither did I', replied the drunk,'untill you shone your light in her face'

Two Tramps were wallkng down the railway one day and one Tramp said to the other, “I am the luckiest guy in the world.”
“Why is that?” asked his mate.
“Well, the other day I was walking down these here tracks when I found a £20 note. I went into town and blew it all on alcohol and I was drunk for three days.”
“That’s nothing,” said his mate “I was walking down these tracks a few weeks ago when I found a beautiful naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up into the trees and had mad sex with her for a week.”
“Jesus,” said his mate “you really are the luckiest guy alive, did she give good blowjobs?”
“Well, no,” he replied “I never found her head.”

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the receptionist a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidently bumps into the woman beside him and his elbow touches her breast.
Both are quite startled. So the man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me"
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436".

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?". "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry".

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??" "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?









































One's a marsupial and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift

newlyweds check in to hotel for honeymoon, receptionist says "do you have any reservations" ? Bride replies "i'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse"

A man goes to his doctors for a cock extension. The doctor suggests getting a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees and 6 six weeks later while having dinner with a new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night.

While chatting his cock flys out and steals an apple off the table and goes back.

"Wow" exclaims the woman "can you do that again".

He replies "My cock can but i don't think my arse can take another apple"