Written by Andrew

30 Dec 2009

How many married and straight men I wonder have had the urge to explore the 'dark side' of their sexuality. How often when laughing at the 'poof' jokes in the pub or office do they feel they would like to touch and handle a cock, or perhaps suck one larger than their own, feel it stiffen and harden in their grasp? These thoughts get pushed to the back of the mind until in the dark of the night while their wife or partner is asleep beside them, they fantasise about being with another man?

I had wondered since I was 17 whether I was bisexual. For many men, that dark side opens up to being fully gay. I know now I am not gay but I had to go on a journey to find out. The story unfolds in the mid 1980s - it is fact as well as I can remember it.

John and I had been friends for a long time, and were in the Sixth Form together. His parents were away on holiday and we had their 70s split level house to ourselves. We spent the night in the pub and then went back to his house. We were both drunk and horny and got some soft porn magazines out - Mayfair, Penthouse, Fiesta, Club - and turned the pages mesmerised by the tits, bums and pussies on display. I can't remember who took their cock out first but I remember looking at John's. Even allowing for the passage of time it was impressive, perhaps seven inches long but massively thick. I was proud of mine but he was bigger in every respect. How we came to be naked I can't remember but I simply couldn't resist the impulse to touch and stroke his cock, as I touched him his head threw back in pleasure.

Neither of us were virgins with women and we quickly, instinctively got into the '69' position, I remember the clean, fleshy taste of his penis. Our sucking must have been pretty inexpert but we both came copiously in and around each other's mouths. I was not attracted or repelled by his thick white semen. We also wanked each other off later in the night, it was very exciting and felt wonderfully 'forbidden' to handle John's large member with its surprisingly small cockhead. It was very awkward in the morning. I was full of conflicting emotions chiefly guilt - did this mean I was a queer? I knew I had opened Pandora's Box a little.

For the next eight years, there were no more experiences. I went to university, had a succession of girlfriends and enjoyed - genuinely enjoyed an excellent heterosexual sex life. In time I dismissed the episode with John as a one-off. I was living with my girlfriend by now and things were good. And then...I went on a business trip to Copenhagen, had a few beers and ended up in a sauna.

Hard core gay porn played on the television set in the corner of the lounge, the first I had ever seen. I was sitting in a white towel, half pissed and excited but also relaxed after a shower. I was in great shape back then, running often and doing weight training. I looked across the room at a guy openly playing with his cock. I walked over to him, knelt between his legs and began sucking his cock. He gestured to me to follow him and we walked naked into a room full of cubicles. I felt very liberated and free from myself. It was dark but you could hear and see men wanking, sucking and fucking. For a moment, I was quite alarmed, was this guy going to try and fuck me? We found a space and he lay on his back while I wanked and sucked him. I wanked him slowly, savouring the thick, fleshy feel of his uncut penis, under me he writhed and bucked and shot his semen all up his chest. I knelt astride him, pinning him to the mat firmly but gently. For a moment his eyes darkened but he realised there was no cause for concern - also I was 14 stone 10 and he was going nowhere! He sucked me and wanked me a little but I finished myself cumming all over his face and neck. I have a very loose and short foreskin and when erect give the appearance of being circumcised with a big purple cockhead. I rubbed this cockhead all over his face.

The next day I felt a little guilty but also began to face my sexuality head-on. I accepted that I did have a bisexual side that I needed to explore and I realised my sexual tourism had one further journey to make. Five years later I was in New York. One of the business delegation sent to look after my team was a 23 year-old clean cut American boy whose name I cannot remember. Again alcohol played its part. I went back to my room, showered, reflected that I had put weight on but wasn't in too bad a shape and rang his room suggesting he come round for a drink. My instincts were not wrong. This time I wanted to go all the way - to cross the final taboo.

We had a drink and he talked openly about being gay. After about half an hour of increasingly steamy chat I said, outright that I would like to see his cock. He stood up and I wondered if I had overdone it but he simply undressed in front of me unhurriedly swigging his beer as he did so, his bulging white briefs were last to go. His cock was long and thin, perhaps eight inches, and sort of sculpted. I sucked him for a long time, enjoying his moans and writhing. Then I undressed too, seeing his eyes drink in my hairy chest and by now slight paunch. I shrugged off my briefs and showed him my full erection.

'You have a beautiful cock,' he said simply and we lay on the bed while he expertly licked and sucked it.

'I want you to fuck me,' I heard myself say, 'I have never done that before.'

'Ah a proper virgin!' he said in his Ivy league accent, 'Don't worry I'll be gentle with you,' he was smiling softly.

He had brought some lubrication, or found some, either way he began to lube up my anus, blowing my mind as the nerve endings responded to these new sensations. He was gentle but it did hurt as he slowly thrust inside me, whispering to me that he was barebacking me. He managed half a dozen strokes which was all I could take but it was enough, I found it satisfyingly humiliating to be bent over the bed like that.

I then lay on my back while he sat on my dick, without difficulty and I came inside him in the white heat of pure ecstasy. He stood over me before ejaculating over my chest and face.

That was over 10 years ago. I married and have had no desire to repeat. It was as if I needed to do it, to explore that side of me. Yes I enjoyed it, am I partly bi-sexual - certainly yes. My advice to guys who do want to explore is go and do it but be discrete, and do it a long way from home. Sexuality is a complex thing, we all have to find our own way.