I’m a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls & crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees; I write award-winning operas and manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for 3 days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous & god-like trombone playing. I cycle up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I cook 30 min biscuits in 20 minutes. I am an expert in judo, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe & a large glass of water, I once single handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious ants.

I play bluegrass cello, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I’m an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy underwear. I don't sweat. I’m a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.

I have appeared on ‘Through The keyhole’ and won the gold plaque. I run the 100m in seconds. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room table and chair quartet that evening. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and a George Foreman. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka and chess competitions at the Kremlin.