Ever worried about the potential for embarrassment of a having to call out the AA/RAC to a dogging site? Well, it happened to me yesterday - flat battery - thankfully it was daytime, so no real need for an alibi. Has this happened to anyone else in more embarrassing circimstances? I worry about gates getting locked etc also, (not that it stops us).
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Breakdowns!
Sex God
Silky had a family errand in the frozen wastes of Lancashire and so as it was fine sunny weather we decided that since we would be going up the motorway and passing within a doggers orgasm of Sandwell , we would pop in and sample the delights therein .
We arrived after our customary circling the area and several hours of "wasnt that a sign for a country park?" and having negotiated the special humps in the entrance ( designed to admit nothing longer than a mini with the bumpers removed) drove to the far end of the large carpark ( near the entrance to the lakes for those of you that know it ) parked facing out and waited for the busy families and dog walkers to subside .
It was basting hot , and even Silky wearing an attention drawing thin summer mini dress was warm , my jeans and t-shirt meant and proper sweat on situation for me.
Anyway we arent feint hearted so sat back opened all the windows to see what occured .
Soon we were joined by the local dogging fraternity . To the left a small impossibly spoiler bound Vauxhall Nova containing four teenage Ragga fans set about providing the musical part of the entertainment as loud as their Halfords discount speakers would allow, whilst interspersing with loud comments on the shortness of Silks dress and less audible Jamaican comments on what it was they assumed she wanted . Meanwhile to the right a car bearing some six Asian fellas ( Nissan of course) pulled up near enough to make opening the door more than a fag papers width impossible and proceeded to stare Penfoldlike , almost steaming up their windows even in that heat . Immediately to their right three nondescript cars parked with a small group of oldish men in cardigans ( one actually wearing slippers!!) gathered beside them mumbling to themselves and doing the patent 'occasional sideway glance' technique.
Well to be honest the crowd wasnt to our taste , call us fussy if ya like but the mix was just a trifle too eclectic . Coupled with the heat and the surprisingly busy park ( so many non doggers) we decided we'd give it a miss . So much like Mr D in the earlier story I turned the key and was rewarded with a healthy CLICK and nowt else . Horror , having fiddled with the key a bit i did get a slow engine turning over sound , which i tried a few times which resulted in a few giggles and jeers from the Nova wankers but nothing from the engine bay .
I now did what all self respecting men would , I got out opened the bonet and leaned in and had a got look round for .......................well fuck knows what i was looking for ! Those of you who have seen our site and pictures know that I drive an ancient and venerated old Jaguar . I can tell you how best to improve the paint finish , how to restore the leather , how to polish the walnut veneer and how to get the chrome looking fucking sexy , but open the bonnet and all I see is a great big fucking monster of an engine thingy.
By now Silky is getting very very warm and shes out of the car seeing if she can help . This leads to the Asian Penfolds feeling the need to open their windows and lean out while staring , eyes virtually stuck to the top of her thighs . Fortunately the Nova crew are on their second joint and so are losing interest , and the old cardigan fellas are actually audibly losing patience at our lack of show and looking pointedly at their timex's in an exagerated way. I give up and call the AA , two and a half hours later ( during which the Penfolds used twenty gallons of petrol driving round the carpark and parking back next to us again and again ) the AA man turns up . Hes a lovely old fella who admires the car and proceeds to tell the history of Jaguar before starting any work .
Meanwhile the various flavoured doggers are actually attempting to dog Silky while she lies down in the car trying to get cool ( this is the same car with the bonnet up and an AA man under the bonnet mind! ) . Theyre doing the subtle walk stright up to the window and lean on the car while thyey stare in technique .
Another hour and a half later the AA man (having filled me in on the finer points of the flat spade connector versus bullet wire holder debate) finally gets the car started and we set off clutching a bag full of fuses to apply to the temporary repair he had applied , involving some twenty feet of multi colured wire wrapped around my feet in the footwell ( apparently he'd bypassed something or other) and limped the rest of the way back to civilisation , by changing a fuse every ten miles or so .
Id like to thank the doggers of Sandwell for all their help on the day . Apart from the one guy who looked like Smashy ( from Smashy and Nicey the DJ's) who was in the white Celica , and gave us directions back to the motorway by the fastest route humanly possible , you all gave us a lasting imprssion of Sandwell Valley that probably unfairly means we wont be likely to visit any time soon .
We arrived after our customary circling the area and several hours of "wasnt that a sign for a country park?" and having negotiated the special humps in the entrance ( designed to admit nothing longer than a mini with the bumpers removed) drove to the far end of the large carpark ( near the entrance to the lakes for those of you that know it ) parked facing out and waited for the busy families and dog walkers to subside .
It was basting hot , and even Silky wearing an attention drawing thin summer mini dress was warm , my jeans and t-shirt meant and proper sweat on situation for me.
Anyway we arent feint hearted so sat back opened all the windows to see what occured .
Soon we were joined by the local dogging fraternity . To the left a small impossibly spoiler bound Vauxhall Nova containing four teenage Ragga fans set about providing the musical part of the entertainment as loud as their Halfords discount speakers would allow, whilst interspersing with loud comments on the shortness of Silks dress and less audible Jamaican comments on what it was they assumed she wanted . Meanwhile to the right a car bearing some six Asian fellas ( Nissan of course) pulled up near enough to make opening the door more than a fag papers width impossible and proceeded to stare Penfoldlike , almost steaming up their windows even in that heat . Immediately to their right three nondescript cars parked with a small group of oldish men in cardigans ( one actually wearing slippers!!) gathered beside them mumbling to themselves and doing the patent 'occasional sideway glance' technique.
Well to be honest the crowd wasnt to our taste , call us fussy if ya like but the mix was just a trifle too eclectic . Coupled with the heat and the surprisingly busy park ( so many non doggers) we decided we'd give it a miss . So much like Mr D in the earlier story I turned the key and was rewarded with a healthy CLICK and nowt else . Horror , having fiddled with the key a bit i did get a slow engine turning over sound , which i tried a few times which resulted in a few giggles and jeers from the Nova wankers but nothing from the engine bay .
I now did what all self respecting men would , I got out opened the bonet and leaned in and had a got look round for .......................well fuck knows what i was looking for ! Those of you who have seen our site and pictures know that I drive an ancient and venerated old Jaguar . I can tell you how best to improve the paint finish , how to restore the leather , how to polish the walnut veneer and how to get the chrome looking fucking sexy , but open the bonnet and all I see is a great big fucking monster of an engine thingy.
By now Silky is getting very very warm and shes out of the car seeing if she can help . This leads to the Asian Penfolds feeling the need to open their windows and lean out while staring , eyes virtually stuck to the top of her thighs . Fortunately the Nova crew are on their second joint and so are losing interest , and the old cardigan fellas are actually audibly losing patience at our lack of show and looking pointedly at their timex's in an exagerated way. I give up and call the AA , two and a half hours later ( during which the Penfolds used twenty gallons of petrol driving round the carpark and parking back next to us again and again ) the AA man turns up . Hes a lovely old fella who admires the car and proceeds to tell the history of Jaguar before starting any work .
Meanwhile the various flavoured doggers are actually attempting to dog Silky while she lies down in the car trying to get cool ( this is the same car with the bonnet up and an AA man under the bonnet mind! ) . Theyre doing the subtle walk stright up to the window and lean on the car while thyey stare in technique .
Another hour and a half later the AA man (having filled me in on the finer points of the flat spade connector versus bullet wire holder debate) finally gets the car started and we set off clutching a bag full of fuses to apply to the temporary repair he had applied , involving some twenty feet of multi colured wire wrapped around my feet in the footwell ( apparently he'd bypassed something or other) and limped the rest of the way back to civilisation , by changing a fuse every ten miles or so .
Id like to thank the doggers of Sandwell for all their help on the day . Apart from the one guy who looked like Smashy ( from Smashy and Nicey the DJ's) who was in the white Celica , and gave us directions back to the motorway by the fastest route humanly possible , you all gave us a lasting imprssion of Sandwell Valley that probably unfairly means we wont be likely to visit any time soon .
it wasnt us, but we were out in doncaster one evening and a guy came screaming in with no lights on, and went straight over a muddy hump, after we stopped laughin we went over to him, and he was freakin out because he had to call the AA to get him out, and his wife will want to know why he was there and what he was doing, so we borrowed a tow rope off a lorry driver (they are usefull somtimes lol) and pulled the guy out....that will teach him for coming in with no lights on.
he gave us a tenner the next time he came down....bless lol
he gave us a tenner the next time he came down....bless lol
Warming the Bed
Its funny I work for a motoring club and one of my colleges rang me , Help Help iv looked my keys in the car, when I asked is location I laughed it was a know dogging
Site in surrey.
iv turned up there he is with his Mrs not much on her top was on the back seat,
She said we just pulled in for a wee & looked the keys in the boot
I just smiled I still take the piss out of him now (never told them we are Doggers to)
Site in surrey.
iv turned up there he is with his Mrs not much on her top was on the back seat,
She said we just pulled in for a wee & looked the keys in the boot
I just smiled I still take the piss out of him now (never told them we are Doggers to)
Sex God
If ya can laugh about it, its worth it..........LOL
Hilarious! Hmmm, the worst I had was a few years back when cruising for a quiet spot in the sticks (girlfriend and I fancied a bit of uninterrupted backseat fun). We turned into a field entrance, did the business and then, stupidly, I went further into the field to turn around and got stuck in some heavy clay, over-revved it trying to get out and buried the car up to the axle. I couldn't shift the car, no matter how I tried so ended up calling the AA (this is about midnight in the middle of the countryside). Well, the patrol arrived and, when he'd stopped laughing, tried to pull us out. No go, couldn't shift it without taking his wagon into the field and he wasn't going to risk that. Fortunately he was local and knew a farmer along the way who came out with his tractor for a tip of £20. We finally escaped about 2am. covered in mud, car filthy and by then completely comfortable with the idea that everyone concerned knew just what we'd been up to.
