By nature as far as dogging exploits go Silk and myself are not over motivated to travel for our carpark adventures. Although we have somehow managed to indulge in our sport the length and breadth of the country it has always been by chance in the same way, as we prefer to meet our co-conspirators.
This attitude has in some way been influenced by various factors, partly Silkys special method of judging a venues suitability by if it ‘sounds weird’ or not (even though everywhere must sound weird to a person brought up in a town called Moosejaw, in a state named Saskatchewan) and partly by my own staunch belief that the civilised world doesn’t truly exist North of the Thames.
It is not entirely unfair even if it is illogical since our one planned sojourn into the mystery of Oop-North dogging in a place near Birmingham a few years back resulted in our car breaking down on the hottest day of the year, in the company of the loudest drum and bass Vauxhall Nova on earth and several impatient doggers looking at their watches and a car full of frankly rude Asian doggers trying to cop a feel whilst the AA man was still being ‘very nice’ under the bonnet.
However we were spurred on in our national quest by the apparent pleasant demeanour of the dogging folk of Norfolk (here present on the Forum itself) and since they seemed like such a friendly realistic bunch we thought what the heck, we havent had the tent out for a bit and it is sunny – lets head for the Norfolk coast in search of naughtiness. Travel report follows.
Day One ( The Journey )
Armed with the infallible street by street directions from the AA website (sorry we don’t have DogNav yet) we set out on our quest on a beautiful summer evening – ridiculous amounts of kit wedged into the back of Silkys hatchback and a bag of cheese and onion for sustenance on the way. Passing through such wondrous vista’s as Northampton, and Peterborough on our journey did nothing do dampen the pleasurable thoughts of a cold beer out side the tent at sunset and the prospect of fish and chips on the Quay as described by the romantic pen of Monsieur Dirty. As we entered the county of Norfolk its incredible featureless flat terrain and proclivity of truckstop cafes (one of which had a bar a petrol pump and its own licensed sex shop!) prompted Silk to compare it to the vast expanse of her own fair country a fact which could only help prevent it being dubbed as ‘weird’.
We arrived at the charming wee town of Wells-Next-the-Sea and found the campsite (as recommended by the Mr D again) and found it to be charming – even sporting a full sized fishing boat mounted at its entrance holding the welcome sign – how quaint! It was late, so reception held only the two security guards , a friendly pair who we can only describe as Cheech and Chong with heavy Norfolk accents – they booked us in to the ‘overflow field’ as we had expected at such a busy time of year . We paid our dues and proceeded to the field. Having chosen our spot carefully we unpacked the tent and got our first taste of the bracing Norfolk air as we tried to pitch a tent in what felt like an experimental wind tunnel. About an hour and seventy quid in the swear box later we settled in the tent with a cup of tea and a copy of Heat magazine as a slow drizzle began to drum on the roof of the tent. It’s a romantic and soothing sound, and we slipped off to sleep looking forward to heading for the beach and getting naked the following day – sure it was just a small coastal squall as oft happens along our lovely coast lines.
Day Two
7am, unusually early for a holiday wake up for myself as Silk will testify. I rose early for some reason though as I felt something tapping me on the head – the offending tap it transpired was the roof of the tent! Not collapsed (holding up rather well for the cheapest tent available on Ebay) but bent almost to ground level by the whistling gale force wind bearing down on it from above and weight of the horizontal rain. So violent was the onslaught that it prompted us to retreat to the camp shop and buy several hundred extra tent pegs and peg down every single available hole on the tent. Even after such engineering it was left, although still standing –with a decided wonky slant toward the sea and the wind direction . It would have to do, sure it will brighten up later.
The evening started with greater promise, a light breeze by Norfolk standards which whilst making ones eyes tear slightly and marginally chaffing the skin in exposed areas was still allowing the rays of the struggling sun to warm us. So flushed with optimism we embarked for the bright lights of Wells. A pretty quayside housed a penny arcade and several chip shops as well as pub called the Ark Royal (which I think had its last refit around the time the boat of the same name did). On the front what I like to call a ‘smelly candle shop’ sold (as well as the obvious smelly candles) various arts and crafts fashioned by native ‘craftsmen’ – I use the term loosely- from Africa and India. Silk was attracted by its earthy expensive charm and found several items of absolute necessity to purchase. A miniature African drum-to remind her of the Ghanaian wedding we went to last week (boy those guys can party!),an authentic Indian headscarf to help the ‘do’ in the windy conditions and a pair of citronella candles for outside the tent. I tried to protest that in current conditions the only mosquitoes that could possibly fly would have to be strapped to an exocet missile but it fell on deaf ears. My sarcastic insistence that an Aboriginal rain stick which makes the sound of rain was frankly beyond the pale considering the sound effect nature was providing all to readily were however successful.
We retired to the relative comfort of ham and eggs at the local pub followed by medicinal drinks to the tune of staggering back to the tent. As the rain and wind pick up, and the tent takes on shapes the designer never envisaged a long booze enhanced sleep ensues, sure it will brighten up tomorrow.
Day Three
6am water dripping down back of neck, cheap Ebay tent finally succumbing to extreme battering. Quick scary inspection of conditions outside reveals that even the Kagool anorak wearing hardened tent dwellers are struggling to survive. Their tents are designed to deal with the north face of the Eiger and they are blowing away, so what chance a tent built to last through a three-day music festival in Slough? We would still like to see the beach we came to get naked on so decide to drive to the carpark nearby and take a look anyway. We don the warmest clothes we have and set out, windscreen wipers on full tilt. Even with the total lack of signs we find the entrance and we are greeted by the National Trust attendant sporting a full moustache of ice cream cone and a dopey grin already holding out his hand for the three pounds parking fee. I open the door to pay and am greeted with the hardest rush of Norfolk wind and rain directly in my face ever, something akin to being hosed in the mush with a pressure washer at the car wash. Fuck this I think and we head back to the site to pack up and go home.
We are slightly disillusioned at the efficiency of our tent and our chances of actually packing it in the wind, so we decided to just leave it up – at least providing a giggle at the prospect of the camp warden wondering why ‘them two in the blue tent haven’t been out for six days ‘. Setting off with the prospect of a long drive we waved bye bye to our tent as it struggled to remain upright in the onslaught. Hope it will brighten up for the others tomorrow.
All in all not successful, but we havent given up . It’s a lovely place and we can see how it would be beautiful in the right weather, we were just unlucky. So to all the doggers of the Bay sorry we didn’t see you but we may be back when we have saved up for an RV. Thanks for the recommendation Mr D it is a great site and lovely and clean and well managed. The only mistake we made was thinking they put the boat at the entrance for a bit of local colour, when on reflection it was obviously just washed up there in a storm!
Sex God
Is he cute ?
:rotflmao: 
i ain't kidding..i really hadn't 
ops: :oops: 
:lol: 
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