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Sex God
Got some Herbs in my eye the other day whilst cooking my dinner.....
Now I'm Parsley sighted!!
(groan)
Now I'm Parsley sighted!!
(groan)
Warming the Bed
There is a factory in eastern Wisconsin that manufactures the 'Tickle Me Elmo' Toys. In case you didnt know,
the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Angie is hired at the tickle me elmo factory and reports for her first day at 8:00am.
The next day at 8:45M there is a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backed up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
the production manager decides to see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When the two men get down there, the line is so backed up there are tickle me elmo's all over the factory floor and they are really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Angie surrounded by mountains of tickle me elmos.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 3 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the package between elmos legs.
The personnel manager burst into laughter.
After several momente of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approches Angie
"Im sorry" he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face" But I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....
""Your job was to give elmo two test tickles."
the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Angie is hired at the tickle me elmo factory and reports for her first day at 8:00am.
The next day at 8:45M there is a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backed up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
the production manager decides to see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When the two men get down there, the line is so backed up there are tickle me elmo's all over the factory floor and they are really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Angie surrounded by mountains of tickle me elmos.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 3 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the package between elmos legs.
The personnel manager burst into laughter.
After several momente of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approches Angie
"Im sorry" he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face" But I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....
""Your job was to give elmo two test tickles."
Sex God
The 2011 car reg's are out,
a famous jockey bought FA11 OFF,
David Jason obviously bought DE11 BOY
and there are rumours that Jordan bought ME11 ONS
Dont worry there's still chance for you to get BA11 BAG or BE11 END!
a famous jockey bought FA11 OFF,
David Jason obviously bought DE11 BOY
and there are rumours that Jordan bought ME11 ONS
Dont worry there's still chance for you to get BA11 BAG or BE11 END!
Sex God
The wife and I went to see a marriage counsellor.
He asked if I knew what my wife's favorite flower was ?
I held her hand and looked lovingly into her eyes and replied
"It's Homepride isn't it darling?"
He asked if I knew what my wife's favorite flower was ?
I held her hand and looked lovingly into her eyes and replied
"It's Homepride isn't it darling?"
Sex God
An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old
he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their
unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a
student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant
and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a
little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his
son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It
Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority
and do nothing.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old
he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their
unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a
student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant
and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a
little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his
son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It
Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority
and do nothing.
Sex God
Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:
Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
Dear reader:
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps,
Jim.
Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
Dear reader:
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps,
Jim.
Sex God
How many do you remember?
- Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
- Ignition switches on the dashboard.
- There were two postal deliveries per day.
- Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
- The street lights were turned off at about 11pm each night.
- Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
- Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.
- Corona fizzy drinks were delivered in glass bottles and the empties returned.
Go on be honest, any of the above ?
Now try the Older than dirt quiz
(Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about)
1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the film
6. TV test card after the last show and were there until TV shows started again.
7. Peashooters
8. 78 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulbs
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers
Apparently,
if you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 4-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!
- Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
- Ignition switches on the dashboard.
- There were two postal deliveries per day.
- Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
- The street lights were turned off at about 11pm each night.
- Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
- Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.
- Corona fizzy drinks were delivered in glass bottles and the empties returned.
Go on be honest, any of the above ?
Now try the Older than dirt quiz
(Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about)
1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the film
6. TV test card after the last show and were there until TV shows started again.
7. Peashooters
8. 78 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulbs
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers
Apparently,
if you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 4-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!
Sex God
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who posted this
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who posted this
Sex God
Apparently Snow White has been thrown out of Fairyland.
She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face shouting, "Lie you little sod, lie!!"
She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face shouting, "Lie you little sod, lie!!"
Sex God
Woman answers the door to a market researcher.
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out"
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out"
Sex God
Bumper stickers I'd like
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
Any other suggestions ?
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
Any other suggestions ?
Sex God
One liners special :
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
"Trust me, I haven't done this before and it didn't work then either"
Ultimate chat-up line: Does this handkerchief smell of chloroform?"
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'
I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.
There are only 10 kinds of people that understand binary - those that do, and those that don't.
BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.
In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.
98% of all constipated people don't give a crap
Whilst 100% of all smokers die, so do 100% of all non-smokers.
Don't beam me up yet Scotty....I'm having a Sh..i..i....i
Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.
High heels were invented by a woman who was kissed on the forehead.
Only lemmings should jump to conclusions.
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them.
The bank sent a cheque back marked "Insufficient funds". Them or me?
Two parrots on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.
What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.
Forecast for tonight: Dark
Life: a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
4SALE: 1 Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
We all make mistakes... said the Dalek climbing off the dustbin.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
"Trust me, I haven't done this before and it didn't work then either"
Ultimate chat-up line: Does this handkerchief smell of chloroform?"
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'
I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.
There are only 10 kinds of people that understand binary - those that do, and those that don't.
BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.
In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.
98% of all constipated people don't give a crap
Whilst 100% of all smokers die, so do 100% of all non-smokers.
Don't beam me up yet Scotty....I'm having a Sh..i..i....i
Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.
High heels were invented by a woman who was kissed on the forehead.
Only lemmings should jump to conclusions.
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them.
The bank sent a cheque back marked "Insufficient funds". Them or me?
Two parrots on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.
What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.
Forecast for tonight: Dark
Life: a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
4SALE: 1 Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
We all make mistakes... said the Dalek climbing off the dustbin.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
Master of Sex
Girl has a baby..midwife say "it's black!..
girl says she needed the money and starred in a porn film...leading man was black,
it has blonde hair,says the midwife..girl replies "other leading man was white"..
"it has slanted eyes" says midwife..
Eh other leading man was chinese....
Midwife slaps the bady to make it cry...
Girl says "thank god for that" said the girl.."i thought he was gonna bark... "
girl says she needed the money and starred in a porn film...leading man was black,
it has blonde hair,says the midwife..girl replies "other leading man was white"..
"it has slanted eyes" says midwife..
Eh other leading man was chinese....
Midwife slaps the bady to make it cry...
Girl says "thank god for that" said the girl.."i thought he was gonna bark... "
Master of Sex
A dying grandmother was talking to her granddaughter.
"I may die any minute so i want you inherit my farm,including the villa,tractor,the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389, cash".
"WOW!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny,i didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth!
"Where is it ??" Granny says with her last dying breath....."It's on my facebook."
"I may die any minute so i want you inherit my farm,including the villa,tractor,the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389, cash".
"WOW!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny,i didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth!
"Where is it ??" Granny says with her last dying breath....."It's on my facebook."
Master of Sex
I saw my mate this morning he's got one arm bless him.
I shouted ,"where are you off to?"
"to change a light bulb," he said,that is gonna be awkward isn't it?"
"not really" he said ," i've still got the receipt,you sarcastic git...
I shouted ,"where are you off to?"
"to change a light bulb," he said,that is gonna be awkward isn't it?"
"not really" he said ," i've still got the receipt,you sarcastic git...
Sex God
The lamp-post in front of my house has disappeared.
I might stick a note to a cat, in case anyone has seen it.
Found a hole in my trainer big enough to get a finger in.......
unfortunately she's made a complaint and I've been banned from the gym.
I couldn't find the fucking thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.
Apparently she left me yesterday.
The Mrs has just bought a pair of Meatloaf knickers...on the front it says,"I will do anything for love"...on the back it says,"But I Won't Do That!"
Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every retard can read, but look at you having a go!
Today is International Retards Day.
Please send an encouraging msg to a fucked up friend, just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals or occasionally shit yourself.
You hang in there cup cake you're fucking special to me, you're my mate!!
I might stick a note to a cat, in case anyone has seen it.
Found a hole in my trainer big enough to get a finger in.......
unfortunately she's made a complaint and I've been banned from the gym.
I couldn't find the fucking thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.
Apparently she left me yesterday.
The Mrs has just bought a pair of Meatloaf knickers...on the front it says,"I will do anything for love"...on the back it says,"But I Won't Do That!"
Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every retard can read, but look at you having a go!
Today is International Retards Day.
Please send an encouraging msg to a fucked up friend, just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals or occasionally shit yourself.
You hang in there cup cake you're fucking special to me, you're my mate!!
Sex God
Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
Orgasminator
I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot.
I'd originally set out to find cheap petrol, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.
I'd originally set out to find cheap petrol, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.
Sex God
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Sex God
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some b * stard's sent me a magnifying glass!
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some b * stard's sent me a magnifying glass!
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
Sex God
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year, and every year Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"
Blanche always replied, "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid!"
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid"
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's twenty quid."
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Bill replied,"Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"
Blanche always replied, "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid!"
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid"
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's twenty quid."
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Bill replied,"Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"
Sex God
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued,'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'
'£124, '
The manager choked and exclaimed £124, !! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no.. He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued,'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'
'£124, '
The manager choked and exclaimed £124, !! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no.. He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
Sex God
The Husband lay dying.
The Wife was by his bedside, he said in a tired voice."There's something I must confess."
"Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right."
"No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mom!"
"I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you bastard, now close your eyes....
The Wife was by his bedside, he said in a tired voice."There's something I must confess."
"Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right."
"No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mom!"
"I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you bastard, now close your eyes....
Sexlightened
Wojznech Szczesny look on the bright side. OK, you're a shit keeper but your names worth 107 in scrabble
Sex God
I had a Trivia competition won until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently, the answer I should have given was Fiji
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently, the answer I should have given was Fiji
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
