You have spent all day Being busy, preparing Dinner party for 8 - .... Wine for guests - £80 .00 ... Your parents are there, Your in-laws are there, Your boss and his wife are there, The minister and his wife are there, You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner, Then In Walks The Dog PRICELESS!
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bast***s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides". The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case". Canada doesn't have any alert levels. New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Subject: Last flight A picture of the last Harrier fly by over the Houses of Parliament. You have squint a bit to see what the 'boys' are trying to say!
Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV. And most of all being suspicious of anything Foreign. Oh and.. only in Britain can you - get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance. - do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter - Supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front. We might be British, but fuck we're funny
MY LIVING WILL Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. The little bastards.
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride and she prepares to go to a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I have been here already?' The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages. PS.. Have I posted this already??
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.. A baby seal walks into a bar,the barman says what do you want....anything but Canadian club Why doesn't Michael Jackson play with MaCauley Culkin anymore ? Because he's dead
An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a 'worst job experience' contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my situation with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ar*e started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ar*e was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ar*e. I informed the dive supervisor of my situation over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for two days because my ar*e was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ar*e. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
This January sale lark is doing my head in. :twisted: Went to Boots they don't sell boots :sad: Went to Currys they don't sell curry :sad: Went to Selfridges they don't sell fridges :sad: And as for Virgin Megastore what a let down that was...
THE correct insurance companies for sex ........ SEX with your wife = Legal & General SEX with your future wife = Mutual Trust SEX with your secretary = Employers Liability SEX with a prostitute = Commercial Union SEX on the telephone = Direct line SEX with your biographer = Quote me happy SEX in a hurry = Insure & go SEX with your boyfriend = Standard Life SEX with some one different = Go SEX with an animal = Compare the
SEX with a fat bird = More Than SEX on the back seat = Sheila's wheels SEX with an o.a.p = Saga SEX with a posh bird =
LADIES: You're in the queue in Topshop, shoes in your hand. Your friend sees a top she likes and throws it to you from the back of the queue, if there is nobody in front of you in the queue at the moment the top leaves your friends hands.... YOU ARE OFFSIDE!
Lady's dishwasher breaks down... so she calls the repair man...she has to go out so tells him "don't worry about my bulldog.. he won't bother you but whatever you do... don't under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" The man starts work.. wary of the biggest...meanest looking bulldog he's ever seen but it just lays there watching him work... the parrot however.. drives him nuts.. yelling & cursing.. finally the man snaps & yells "shut the f**k up.. ya annoyin b*****d!" to which the parrot replies "get him spike"
mickey and minnie mouse are in the lawyers for a divorce, the lawyer says you cant have a divorce because she has buck teeth, mickey says your not listening i said shes fucking goofy.
Bloke went into a brothel and said, "How much for anal?" She said, "Sixty quid" He said, "Ah, that's a bit expensive. I think I'll leave it" She said, "Tight arse" "Oh go on then"
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache." Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick ba$tard.”
John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, & Paul Newman in the jungle, discussing who was the hardest. Eastwood says I killed a bear with my bare hand's. Newman says I wrestled 2 adult croc's, gouged both their eyes out, & killed them both. John Wayne just sat there saying nothing, poking the fire with his cock.
Proposed cuts to the National Health Service. The British Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister’s health care proposals. - The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. - The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. - The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. - Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. - Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said,"Oh, Grow up!" - The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists said, "that they could see right through it" - The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. - The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it. - The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, whilst the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...." - The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. - The Anaesthetists thought the idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. - In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a..eholes in London .
Quote by paulxkaren Lady's dishwasher breaks down... so she calls the repair man...she has to go out so tells him "don't worry about my bulldog.. he won't bother you but whatever you do... don't under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" The man starts work.. wary of the biggest...meanest looking bulldog he's ever seen but it just lays there watching him work... the parrot however.. drives him nuts.. yelling & cursing.. finally the man snaps & yells "shut the f**k up.. ya annoyin b*****d!" to which the parrot replies "get him spike"
Just for you cat... Women & baby go 2 the docs ... doc's concerned about baby's weight & asks... "Is he bottle or breast fed..?".. Women replies breast fed....So the doc asks her 2 strip 2 waist.. Doc then pinches & sucks her nipples... rubs both her tits 4 a while.. " No wonder the baby is under weight... you have no milk" say's doc... "I know" says the women .. " I'm his gran but fucking glad I came!" .. :lol:
Quote by paulxkaren Just for you cat... Women & baby go 2 the docs ... doc's concerned about baby's weight & asks... "Is he bottle or breast fed..?".. Women replies breast fed....So the doc asks her 2 strip 2 waist.. Doc then pinches & sucks her nipples... rubs both her tits 4 a while.. " No wonder the baby is under weight... you have no milk" say's doc... "I know" says the women .. " I'm his gran but fucking glad I came!" .. :lol:
SING IT GIRLS..!!! At first I was petrified! When you said you had 10 inches.. lord I almost died! But spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I grew strong and knew that I could take you on , but there you are, another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and you bought me a french fry! I should have known it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream! Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans! Go on now... walk out the door. don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with 4! Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't find you out? Dont you know, we're only joking when we say size count? I will survive! As long as I have batteries, my sex life going to thrive! I will always have good sex, with a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive, hey hey!
An englishman, a scotsman, an irishman, a latvian, a turk, an aussie, a yank, an egyptian, a jap, a mexican, a spaniard, a greek, a russian, an estonian, a german, an italian, a pole, a lithuanian, a swede, a finn, an isreali, a romanian, a bulgarian, a serb, a chzeck, and a swiss went into a nightclub. The bouncer says " I can't let you in without a Thai "
Old Age Have you heard about this e-mail virus? Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960 . Symptoms: 1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that! 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! That too! 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person..yep! 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha! 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn! 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh , no not again! 7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.." And I just hate that! 8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh, No! IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Have you heard about this computer virus? Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960 . Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same post twice. ...... bugger, seems I've got "SH variant c-nile virus"
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge. So he stops and asks her, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. The biker did not want to appear insensitive, and yet he saw an opportunity, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So, she does. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's real talent you're wasting! You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK ::cheers: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK : :cheers::cheers: 1. Specificity 2. Anti- constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK : :cheers::cheers::cheers: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. No, I don't want to see your fanny. 5. No, my cock's fine as it is I don't want you to suck it. 6. No, please dont sit on my face I've got asthma.
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