A delicate time

16 Oct 2006

In the past we have all read the 'time waster' thread. Now I ask you to think about this from the prosective of a new couple to this site. I will call JJ.
JJ Have been married for sometime. They have spoken about swinging and finally signed up to SH. They have logged on and at last posted an add. Both are thinking 'Am I pushing to hard' ,'Does my other half want this' and 'Are they fed up with me'
Normally their friend and family would be giving advise and encouragement. For the social reason they have told no one that they are going to , they thinking about swinging. Their support structure has been taken away for them.
This is the time when new swingers need support. What happens? The first time that JJ make a date and then are over come with doubt. At this time when JJ need understanding and patience, they see the posts. 'TIME WASTERS'
Is this any way to surport each other. At a time when JJ need surport?

16 Oct 2006

http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/swingers-forum/viewtopic/81218.html

16 Oct 2006

So nobody should discuss timewasters because JJ lost their nerve.
Not very practical for the rest of the forums is it?
As Mal says there is the mentoring thing if they want support and advice.
If they let the other party know they weren't going to show then why would it worry them so much, a lot of people have had to cancel meets before now for one thing or another?
If they didn't let them know and just didn't show up then on that occassion they were timewasting.
What about the person/couple they were supposed to meet?
Jas
XXX

17 Oct 2006

No. No one should believe the worst of people without considering other possibilities. Do we call someone on the edge of a swimming pool a time wasters? Some times. Do we know if they can swim? Does calling 'TIME WASTER' or 'COWARD' help them learn to swim or give them confidence?
I am not saying lace each post with love and understanding. What I am saying is do we need to abuse each other when their are plenty out there who will do it for us. Just because we do not conform to their idea of normal.

17 Oct 2006

Quote by
...Both are thinking 'Am I pushing to hard' ,'Does my other half want this' and 'Are they fed up with me'...

I am guessing this wasn't the point of your post but when I read this bit (quoted above)...
Just my opinion, but any couple (or part of) who are thinking that collection of thoughts have not talked to each other enough - especially the "Are they fed up with me".
As for worrying about being labelled a timewaster - well people can jump into the pool or paddle on the edge at their own pace. Regardless of whether it is a single or a couple, whether it is nerves or just enjoying the twisted idea of making the arrangement and then disappearing.. if you are leaving another person or couple waiting and wondering wtf has happened, then you are a timewaster. It is the agreement to do something you can't, won't and don't do that wastes peoples time - not the background to the intention.
For every moan and gripe about timewasters there is a positive post somewhere containing advice for newbies setting out on the road to meets.
I appreciate we can all feel nervous sometime or another and it is difficult to always be 100% confident when trying new things, but, people shouldn't commit to something unless they are sure it is really what they want and are willing to do it. Being a new couple is no excuse for leaving people in the lurch.
We can all get caught up in the excitement of a discussion about possibilities - but it is about being honest and differentiating what you would 'like' to do, what you really 'want' to do and what you are actually 'willing' to do.
We all know you don't have to go straight in off the top board at the pool the first time you go swimming...
- Arrange social meets - as many as they need to feel comfortable.
- Be open and explain their situation to the people they would like to meet and agree to take it one slow step at a time.
- Try a club - where there is no arrangement with anyone else other than themselves.
There is a wealth of advice and support on here.
So - I don't really see the need to look at 'timewasting' from another angle when the situation you have described can be avoided altogether.

17 Oct 2006

Quote by
No. No one should believe the worst of people without considering other possibilities. Do we call someone on the edge of a swimming pool a time wasters? Some times. Do we know if they can swim? Does calling 'TIME WASTER' or 'COWARD' help them learn to swim or give them confidence?
I am not saying lace each post with love and understanding. What I am saying is do we need to abuse each other when their are plenty out there who will do it for us. Just because we do not conform to their idea of normal.

Unless you're told the reason why someone did something (ie not turn up for a meet), then you might assume that they just couldn't be bothered. If they did that without letting someone know, they are timewasters. Tough doo doo if they don't like being called timewasters - but I can't see how that would affect their confidence.
With regard to abusing one another (verbally) - I think in the case of someone waiting for another person/persons to turn up for a meet, they might feel like venting their frustration if said person didn't show up. What vanillas think of us is really beside the point in this instance. We regularly see people complaining about timewasters and there's bugger all you can do about it really - but that won't stop people complaining.

17 Oct 2006

mmmmmmmmm bit of a sore subject, since an arrangement was made for last evening and I had a no-show.
Now what should I do, you are thinking. Class him a timewaster and whip (!!) off a vicious message? No, i think that sometimes you need to look at the bigger picture.
This guy was new to the BDSM scene and only a youngster, I shall spare his blushes, so under 25 is all I will say.
I indeed realise that sometimes things come in the way of meets and the other party may not be able to let you know in time. I would never label someone a timewaster until they have had their say.
I have mailed the young man in question and asked, politely, if he is well and if he merely had an attack of nerves. Not uncommon in my experience. I have made no judgement upon him, since I do not know him.
If he wishes to contact me, then I have let him know he is more than welcome.
I think that as the more mature (eeeeeugh horrid word!) members of the BDSM community we should be tolerant when dealing with new blood. They may merely be testing the water and who am I to put them off!
Suffice it to say, that should this young man contact me again and decide to be taken under my wing, then he may well pay for his past mistakes.............maybe...........or maybe not, lol. I am a fickle Mistress today, lol.
Mistress

17 Oct 2006

Quote by
No. No one should believe the worst of people without considering other possibilities. Do we call someone on the edge of a swimming pool a time wasters? Some times. Do we know if they can swim? Does calling 'TIME WASTER' or 'COWARD' help them learn to swim or give them confidence?
I am not saying lace each post with love and understanding. What I am saying is do we need to abuse each other when their are plenty out there who will do it for us. Just because we do not conform to their idea of normal.

What's being on the edge of a swimming pool got to do with anything? if I saw someone on the edge of a swimming pool I wouldn't call them anything as it has fuck all to do with me.
You asked if having posts about timewasters was any way to support newcomers.
I replied, there are other measures there to support them.
Why should other people not discuss the issue from time to time?
We don't name or shame on here so who's being abused, other than timewasters in general?
Jas
XXX

17 Oct 2006

Maybe it's all about expectations..
If you work yourself up into salacious frenzy about what the likely outcome of the meet is going to be and it just doesn't happen, then you are going to be bitter about it and may vent that frustration/anger on the other party by slagging them off as being "time wasters".
If, on the other hand, you treat each potential meet as just that - potential - and it doesn't happen for whatever reason, your expectation levels are actually realised. You just shrug your shoulders and move on.
Any "no show" should give you a clue as to your own performance in this respect; We are newbies I suppose but we have never had a no show. I don't think that is because we are so attractive that everone swoons at the prospect of meeting us but more like the fact that we properly "qualify" each meet beforehand.

17 Oct 2006

to date, i have only played at munches, i have yet to arrange anything with anyone outside of a munch
but if i took as gospel every word i have read in these forums, id get nowhere, potential timewaster, single male, have no ads, i have nothing going for me it seems.....
and i wouldnt have it any other way, if i looked at this site with rose tinted spectacles, id believe this scene is heaven, the place to be, instead, various warnings, and experiences felt by others serve as a reminder how brittle this scene, and society can be
nope, id rather hear timewasting stories, i wouldnt want it packaged any nicer to help new people, its part of the learning curve

17 Oct 2006

Going back to the swimming analogy....
If somebody is standing at the edge of the pool and looking nervous I am more than happy to offer words of encouragement and/or advice and would never view them as a time waster because they had yet to dip their toes.
However if somebody told me they were a superb swimmer and had been swimming for years, 'promised' to join me for a session one day, with or without armbands lol

then failed to let me know they couldn't go swimming after all or just didn't turn up, then they would be a time waster.
If you are a nervous swimmer, don't tell people or let them believe that you can, or have swum the Channel.
biggrin

17 Oct 2006

I think anyone who has swung enough will either have let someone down or had someone let them down. Usually its possible to restart things with a much better sense of feeling all round. cool

So in the conventional world, does doing the pub crawls, clubs and diners week in and out qualify as time wasting?
Is there any reason why swinging should come with a guarantee? Does one expect a job, having filled out the application form? etc.
Here is the line where you would type in some poncy smug Latin expression to neatly sum it all up, but I don't know one.
That sentence really was timewasting by the way.
rolleyes

17 Oct 2006

Both are thinking 'Am I pushing to hard' ,'Does my other half want this' and 'Are they fed up with me' - from original message
If they're still at this stage should they even be makinga date?
Are they going into swinging in the right frame of mind?
Have they truly discussed their feelings and fully weighed up the pro's and cons?
Have they both been as open and honest with each other as they could and should be?
Sorry- but unless you're BOTH 100% POSITIVE that this is where you wanna go and explore then DONT DO IT! - by all means join the site and take your time to chat and meet socially with others but dont make a date till you are absolutely positive you both wanna go down that road.
If more couples followed this advice time wasters would be a rare phenomenon rather than the frequent irritation they have become

19 Oct 2006

Quote by Kiss
Going back to the swimming analogy....
If somebody is standing at the edge of the pool and looking nervous I am more than happy to offer words of encouragement and/or advice and would never view them as a time waster because they had yet to dip their toes.
However if somebody told me they were a superb swimmer and had been swimming for years, 'promised' to join me for a session one day, with or without armbands then failed to let me know they couldn't go swimming after all or just didn't turn up, then they would be a time waster.
If you are a nervous swimmer, don't tell people or let them believe that you can, or have swum the Channel.

Kiss you have grasp the idea that I have so badly tried to get across.

20 Oct 2006

Plolady I will dismiss most of your post with two word' I agree'
But we all hurt people we do not mean to. JJ may not have arrived out of fear, they hit a tree on the way to the meet. The reason does not matter. To many say 'I was hurt, someone tried to hurt me'
What I am saying is to many place them selves at the centre of the universe. They fail to ask what happened, can I help, was it me?
Travis

22 Oct 2006

Quote by essex34m
to date, i have only played at munches, i have yet to arrange anything with anyone outside of a munch

So the rumours are true - they really do need to have been drinking first lol

:lol: :lol: