A friend forwarded this to me earlier:-
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ONCE UPON A TIME, there was a little girl named Goldichav. One day, she went for a walk in the woods at the back of Shopping Centre and after a few minutes, and for no good reason, started hurling abuse at an old lady through a stolen traffic cone. Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She listened for any sign of life but when she didn't hear anything, she got out a spray can and daubed "tossa" on the wall, then kicked the door in.Â
At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of porridge. Goldichav was hungry. She tasted the porridge from the first bowl.Â
"Fuckin' 'ell, dis porridge is propa hot!" she exclaimed.
So, she tasted the porridge from the second bowl.
"Dis porridge is too fuckin' cold. If da next wun is shi' I'm off to McDonalds," she said
So, she tasted the last bowl of porridge.
"Wicked, dis porridge is propa good like," she said happily and she ate it all up.
After she'd eaten she decided she was feeling a little tired. So, she walked into the living room where she saw three chairs. Goldichav sat in the first chair to rest her feet.  Â
"Dis chair is too fuckin' big! Ma bootie ain't resting 'ere" she exclaimed.
So she sat in the second chair.
"Dis chair is too big too, wha' ar' dese wankas like?"Â she whined.
So she tried the last and smallest chair.
"Ehh, wikked innit, dis chair is just quali'ee," she sighed. But just as she settled down into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces!
Goldichav was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs to the bedroom. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too hard. Then she lay in the second bed, but it was too soft. Then she lay down in the third bed and it was just right. Goldichav fell asleep.
As she was sleeping, the Three Thugs came home.Â
"Some cunt's been eating my porridge," growled Daddy thug.
"Mine too and I ain't happy about it," said Mummy thug.
"Someone's been eating my porridge and they scoffed the lot!" cried Baby thug.
They went into the living room.
"Some cunt's been sitting in my chair," growled Daddy thug.
"Mine too and I ain't happy about it," said Mummy thug.
"Someone's been sitting in my chair and it's completely fucked," cried Baby thug.
They decided to look around some more and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, Daddy thug growled, "Some cunt's been sleeping in my bed."
"Mine too and I ain't happy about it," said Mummy thug
"Someone's been sleeping in my bed and she's still there. Harm her!" exclaimed Baby thug.
Just then, Goldichav woke up and saw the three thugs. She screamed, "Shup u cheekee basterds, this like propa 'arrassment! Missy G's not 'angin' round 'ere no more ta take dis shi'." And with that she jumped up and ran out of the room, but one of her white stillettos broke and she fell over.Â
The three thugs caught up with her and beat the living daylights out of her before pilfering her can of White Lightening, La Coste track suit bottoms and Argos gold hoop earrings which they sold in the local hostelry for the princely sum of £3.
But Goldichav had the last laugh, for just as the Three Thugs were enjoying themselves in the tavern, she persuaded all her friends to turn up at the house and urinate and defecate all over the beds and in the container which held the Thugs porridge oats.
THE END
:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: