Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCARand is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cat's ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
OMG - when did Silk and Big G move in with me and my pets? :shock: :shock:
To Duey,
Please read all the above points and inwardly digest.
It is however, quite in order to "pad" the small of my back first thing in the morning as I wake, PROVIDING I am under the duvet and you are not.
Dad
:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
This one still holds true also
http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/swingers-forum/viewtopic/10087.html
Venusxxx
:haha: :haha: :haha:
They are both wicked and sooooooooooo true.
Mine recently left paw prints all over a neighbours worksurface and in particular all around the goldfish bowl...... :shock: :shock:
She must have been interupted though, cause she left the fish there!!!! :thumbup:
I would lke to add to my cats
Tansy my N gauge trains are mine, they are not mice or to be chased round the track or carried to your basket.
Bobby the waterfall is not your personel shower,the birds like it as well, try not to chase them out of it,we know u like your white fur to stay that way, and stop trying to eat the fish.
Dearest Rabbit,
Please note that despite your attempts at household wiring you do not hold the requisite certification. Please refrain from your attempts to disconnect appliances from the centre of the power cord using your teeth. Also while you may not like the TV please do not eat the remote control buttons off; it makes it harder to turn it down if you do. Lastly on wiring, while it is nice not to get phone calls all the time we would like to achieve this in ways other than converting the line into lines (7 different pieces at last count)
In addition while we appreciate your use of the litter tray, this is not simply to store up ammunition to scatter bomb the entire carpet when you chose to bolt from said litter tray at top speed. Discussing litter trays, my bed is not a litter tray, you may chose to sleep in yours, we you may note, do not sleep in the bathroom.
While we do enjoy your company please be aware that a bottle of white wine sauce is only from Sainsburys and your next vet bill is an estimated £55....
Yours
TnH
dear bullseye,
when i've gone to all the trouble of providing you with your very own quilted bedbasket, i fail to see why jumping all over me while i'm asleep, spinning round three times, and then sitting on my head should be a preferable option for either of us?
if you can't stand the smell of your own farts, and need to cross the room to escape it, could you not cross the room first, and then fart, so we can both avoid it? it's a simple strategy, that avoids all that musical chairs malarkey.
you may prefer dragging and raking and piling the quilt up into a big twisted ball, but i prefer it to at least cover some part of my anatomy. i've been good enough to let you have the middle of the bed, so just don't bloody push it ok?
i know you wouldn't know this, seeing as you haven't got any, but standing on my balls for 5 minutes while you ponder your next move hurts like fuck you fat bastard!
much as i sympathise with your absolute contempt for the yappy little bleeders, yorkie terriers are not an ideal midday snack. that's what smackos and bonios are for. i know they're not as crunchy, but they're a lot cheaper, and altogether less messy.
sticks are for throwing and playing fetch only. i throw them, you fetch them. scarpering home with 'em and making me chase you half a mile uphill is NOT the best game ever invented. you certainly do not try and sneak in an entire tree when i'm not looking and crunch it into spit and slime covered matchsticks under the bloody quilt.
please read the instructions on all toys i buy you. if it says it's indestructable with a lifetime guarantee, please take note. i expect that lifetime to be somewhat longer than the 5 minutes it takes you to completely tear it to shreds.
Given that Mia makes most of the effort to locate the warmest comfiest spots, it smacks of bullying for you to then claim it as your patch, just cos you're too idle find your own. just don't come crying to me when one of these days she slices your face off.
all the socks in this house belong to me.
neil x x x ;)
Dear Girls
Why is it that you can only go to sleep in MY lap, I know I'm a big person, (relative to you), but my lap doesn't easily accomodate two, and there's no need to look at me that way just because my circulation has ceased to function and I have to move?
I won't concern myself with all your disgusting little habits except for one, it is unacceptable for you to sit on the carpet and drag yourself forward on your front legs in order to scratch your arse on the wilton.
Yours
HM
