I the undersigned hereby declare that I would like the powers that be at SH Towers to seriously consider implementation the following...
1. The Sarge has served his time long and proud. He is fully deserving of promotion to at least Staff Sergeant, or perhaps even Warrant Officer. (Wanton Officer may be more appropriate)
2. Every time Mr Kent starts a thread bashing the Government on some level, SH towers will pay for semi-naked John Prescott to pop around and give him a lap dance before discussing the finer points of Governmental policy. This will be followed with a light pub lunch with Ben Elton and Neil Kinnock.
3. All "fluffy" threads shall be placed in a box called "inoffensive,cute and slightly effeminate" and only brought out in polite company. Such as when the Vicar pops round for tea, or you want to play with kittens.
4. Any person or couple who puts their name down for a party or meet, confirms then just does not turn up on the day, shall be ritually humiliated by being forced to watch unedited highlights of the next Social Democratic Party Conference.
5. Any highly offensive, rude or downright obnoxious members whose adverts or profiles are unnecessarily nasty towards folk shall be marked with a little badge that says "Warning, visibility may be impaired, as head up their own arse."
6. Splendid must bring back her 'artex' avatar immediately.
7. Anyone who turns up for a potential swinging meet wearing :-
1. Crocs (with or without socks)
2. Sandals (with socks)
3. A bobble hat with matching idiot mittens
4. Nothing
5. A frown
6. A small furry animal
7. A Golfing Jumper, grey slacks and driving gloves
8. A rubber ring
9. Their work clothes
10. A wetsuit complete with divers helmet & flippers
11. A tank top or cardigan.
12. A condom in excited anticipation
... shall have their membership temporarily suspended until formative re-education and indoctrination can take place.
8. People who abuse the wink system shalled be labelled as "serial winkers" and be forced to wink themselves repeatedly on cam, solely for the amusement of the people who are on the receiving end of their gratuitous winking.
9. Women shall not be allowed to distract men on Fabio's quiz by coming on cam and whapping their norks out. Such a measure is entirely in violation of the Humanitarian laws for quizzing and should be actively discouraged.
10. Point 9 should be entirely ignored.
11. People on the site should designate their friends, peers and comrades into one of the following groups, to hopefully facilitate speedier and more fulfilling encounters :-
Level : Description
1. Abject tossers to avoid.
2. Can Take 'em or leave 'em
3. Would meet them but that's about it.
4. Could be tempted for a quick snog and fumble if they brushed their hair/teeth
5. Possible Shag Material.
6. Definite Shag Material.
7. Almost too good to be true!
8. God-like
9. Mr Res.
10. Mr Kent.
12. The following phrases should be outlawed at any Munch / Social / Meet.
1. "So, which party did you vote for then?"
2. "I love my Dog, you know... biblically."
3. "You look just like your mum! I hope you are just as good as she was."
4. "Did you see Antiques Roadshow?"
5. "Shall I ring your sister for an orgy?"
6. "But...You're so funny on the forum..." :-(
7. "Can somebody give me a hand?"
8. "Don't worry it itches afterwards, I've got some cream from the GUM clinic..."
9. "My therapist said this would be good for me...before I ate him."
10. "Yes you can buy me a drink, but I'm not sucking your cock!"
13. Any female member not wishing to leap on Mr. Res's body and devour him sexually should be compulsarily checked for any signs of mental fallibility. Also known as 'taste' or 'sense'.
14. New members should actively be encouraged to join in the forum. Or else.
15. Any attempts at humour should be met with a stony silence and lack of responses, thus ensuring the original poster spends the next few days in a paranoic sweat thinking they have offended everyone or outstayed their welcome and should instead post about why kittens make good tennis rackets, or the latest news on how to knit yourself thinner.
16. Cabbages and other vulgar forms of vegetables are forbidden. Anywhere. In the entire world. Even the ones with profiles on here.
17. Similarly, anyone who puts Pineapple on Pizza should be forced to eat Strawberry Steak with Chips and Mango. And Ice Cream with snails and Anchovies. I'm sure Heston Blumenthal is already working on the recipe's.
18. Speeling Mistooks shud knot bee korrekted oar poyntid owt. Or Grandma. 'Mistooks' two? ass wel,
19. Men with only cock shots on their profiles and the charisma of a herring, should be treated as such. A docile, often flaccid and entirely disappointing organ with no discernable brain.
20. Anybody not caught at least once having a sly one to the pics and videos on the site shall be dismissed for breach of the terms of membership. Perversity and sexual over-indulgence is a pre-requisite and any member not upholding such standards will be forced to leave and watch the 'Jerry Springer show' as a suitable punishment.
21. Any member of the site found using this for meeting other people for consensual sexual fun, shall be deemed to be just showing off. Unless they want to have sex with me, in which case it will be seen as a wonderful act of charity.
22. 'Dogging' to be renamed 'Furtling. The connotations of Dogging and Doggers are a little worrying for some and can lead to confusion. You should have seen the look on her face in that car park when I showed her my whippet.
23. Certain men on cam shall have a 'five wank a day' limit imposed on them for reasons of eyesight, health and penile turgidity.
I am sure you will agree that such forward thinking directives will only improve the whole SH experience for all your happy members, and even those who are miserable baskets too.
Signed...
Mr Res.
Sex God
:grin:
