Advice needed

Hi all, 

My name is Mark, i'm a 51 year old man in dire need of a little excitment in my life.

I have been married to my beautiful wife for over 25 years and love the woman with all my heart. Unfortunately, due to both a physical and a mental illness, my wife has not been interested in any form of intimacy, whether emotional or sexual, for the past couple of years. The long term prognosis for my wife's condition is that it will steadily worsen, with no real chance of any improvement.

This leads me to the point of this letter. Whilst I am able to fulfill my own emotional needs in providing her with emotional and physical support and by caring for and looking after her, I am unable to have any form of sexual activity with her in any way whatsoever. 

I have no intention, or inclination, to have an ongoing sexual relationship with another woman, as this would likely become an emotional relationship and may well result in deeper feelings which would, in time, threaten my marriage. A safer option would perhaps involve casual sex with like minded people. I have, for many years, harboured the desire to experience casual sex with women, couples and even group sex, although I must stress that I am not Bi sexual or Bi curious at all. So basically, I am looking for some advice. Should I look at casual sex as a way of satisfying my needs, and if so how do I go about it? Or should I accept that, from now on, my sex life should only involve my right hand and that maybe I should simply concentrate on caring for my wife?

I am obviouly aware that casual sex is considered cheating just as much as having an affair is. But it would not be an emotional relationship, it would simply be a physical act, and given my wife's condition, she would more than likely accept that as a reasonable compromise. 

Your views and/or advice would be very much appeciated.

Best regards,

Mark

Hi Minikat,

Thanks for the advice, it's very much appreciated.

No, my wife and I have not discussed the possibility of me finding sexual intimacy elsewhere, I'm not altogether sure how she'd react to be honest. During the first 10 years of our marriage I discussed with her on many occasions my desire to watch her give pleasure to, and receive pleasure from, other men, and during that time she experienced several sexual encounters with quite a few men, from simple groping to full intercourse and everything else in between. And although it was usually in my absence, she would confess everything to me afterwards, and my arousal would be obvious to her. But it was always her enjoyment that turned me on, and we never discussed the possibility of me indulging in any sexual activity with anyone else.

My worry is this, once I bring the subject up it will be obvious to her that I want to have sex with other women, and if that hurts her, or gives her any reason to feel insecure, then it could well be devastating for both of us. Once something is said, it can't be unsaid. Of course, going ahead with any sexual activity behind her back will likely be more damaging I guess.

Thanks again,

mark

ello

My little mate Kat gave some good advice...

Its a tricky one. And I can totally see your point about concerns with telling her.

Thing is...its not as simple as you think. Relationships do form on  here...despite any best intentions you may have. You start by mailing...then chatting on the phone before meeting....you have the meet...then get chatting. Not saying it always happens..but youre taking a risk that emotions can get involved.

Hell, I only wandered on here for the DIY tips and ive fallen totally in love with half this lot lolol.

If I was your wife...and there was no chance of us having sex ever again...then, personally, id rather you got an escort on board. Its just a job...you'd just be a client...have sex, go home, job done.

Good luck x

Quote by mar2syl

I have no intention, or inclination, to have an ongoing sexual relationship with another woman, as this would likely become an emotional relationship and may well result in deeper feelings which would, in time, threaten my marriage. A safer option would perhaps involve casual sex with like minded people.

Mark

Hi Mark,

I totally get what you're saying and would just offer a note of caution: Unless you have a reliable crystal ball there's always the possibility - as many old hands on here will readily testify - that what starts out as a 'casual' arrangement can evolve into something which neither you nor the other party initially wanted. With the best of intentions if there's one thing human beings are exceptionally good at it's inadvertently confounding their own and other people's expectations.

I'm not saying don't do what you feel is right for you, just be prepared for the chance of something turning out other than the way you intended.

Ice.

Many thanks to Minikat, Itsboo and Ice_Pie, you've all given good, sound advice. I going to have to reconsider my options. I really don't want to become a bitter and grumpy old man in my old age, I need to have a some sexual involvement with someone other than myself. But I also don't want to do anything that would hurt my wife or jeopardise my marriage.

When all said and done, I may just have to accept my situation and put all thoughts of a sex life out of my mind. I still have really erotic memories of my wife when she was a sexually active and adventurous woman, that may be enough to keep me satisfied.

Mark.

Quote by mar2syl
Many thanks to Minikat, Itsboo and Ice_Pie, you've all given good, sound advice. I going to have to reconsider my options. I really don't want to become a bitter and grumpy old man in my old age, I need to have a some sexual involvement with someone other than myself. But I also don't want to do anything that would hurt my wife or jeopardise my marriage.
When all said and done, I may just have to accept my situation and put all thoughts of a sex life out of my mind. I still have really erotic memories of my wife when she was a sexually active and adventurous woman, that may be enough to keep me satisfied.
Mark.

Ps: I just had a thought! there are innocent people all over the world living in poverty, some are being tortured and murdered..... maybe I don't actually have any problems!