Dear Davej;
What the F*ck is a DINNING table?
SOme sort of new flash stuff that you people in Herts have?
Paul
why would you need condoms for your going to die anyway so fuck it bareback it is
I think we should all just Duck and Cover....
Ive got a rather large stock of NBC suits at home that i`ll bring with me to the GFZ
It seems to me that George W Bush is to world peace what lock jaw is to a blow job
Having spent the last 24 hours hiding under the coffee table with mrs davej doing likewise under the ironing board, I have to say that the head of security's emergency pack is woefully short of essentials and needs reviewing.
I managed to get around to about 1am this morning and having emptied the beer bottles and also refilled them as nature intended, which is not an easy thing in itself under a two foot high table and even more difficult for mrs davej under the ironing board (i think the carpet needs shampooing) I found that the tummy gremlins were knocking. The need for some food which had been left off of the emergency pack, became very evident.
We considered the possibility of rearranging the tins of beans that held the tea towl blast curtains in place in such a way that we could have a tin to eat and still be protected, so with the aid of some fairly nifty footwork from mrs davej who managed to kick one off and in my direction we did secure a tin only to find that we didn't have a tin opener.
Item one to add......A tin opener.
I called out to Fang, our Dachshund, but try as I might I couldn't get him to understand that we needed him to fetch a tin opener. He did manage to fetch us three squeeky toys which we held onto, with the thought of useing them as a signalling device should the house collapse and rescue teams be needed although to be fair, they are not very effective and just made the dog chase round in circles and whizz over everything, now the carpet definately needs a shampoo, along with the sofa.
Item two.......A whistle.
As the situation was now desperate, I decided to risk coming out from my shelter especially as there hadn't been sight nor sound of an attack. I was concerned however that there may have been a silent chemical attack on our house and it might be paranoia but I am sure there was an unusual odour when I pullled back the curtain, this may have been attributable to the amount of whizz that the carpet had soaked up or indeed to the fact that the other bodily function that the body needs to perform cannot, be easily accomadated in a beer bottle and we had just let nature take its place.
Item three.......Large size pampers (bumper pack)
I decided to make a run for it into the kitchen as mrs davej was whimpering with hunger. Once there I rummaged through the odds and sods draw and found some elastic bands so that I could secure my clothing at the cuffs and ankles to prevent further penetration of any chemicals and to prevent the escape of anymore bodily functions from within my trousers that had started to leak out once I was upright. ( I think the kitchen vinyl will need some bleach and a mop)
Item four........ elastic bands or bicycle clips to afford more protection should we need to emerge and if the pampers should fail.
After knocking up a couple of cheese and pickle sandwiches and sticking them under the grill, I returned to mrs davej and we managed to satisfy our hunger before falling asleep.
Item five.......Food
We have just woken and are now anxious for one of you to signal that the emergency is over and we can return to normal as we are really far to old for this deprevation lark.
Item six...........mobile phone for the all clear
:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
PMSL as usual - Please pass the pampers and the elastic bands
If anybody is interested I am recruiting rear gunners for l milk floats. Anybody interested should email me at Dad's
Please note subsequentt recruitmernt drives will include sentries for the Condom Watch and Anti Blast wardens for those who fart while participating in in oral sex. These posts are only open to the under 69s.
Also specialists for our very own SAS. Special Arse Service. Qualification criteria include those with an arse strong enough to absorb a nuclear explosion or withstand a gas attack, cum on all you farters. Particuaklr attention will be drawn to the poersons ability to prevent blow backs and follow throughs.
Last but not least our secret agents willl be know n as PFAs. Pussy Farts Anonymous, especially those who can hold on until the poor bastard licking it has moved.
Cheers
Rot.
living in belfast i have kinda got used to these terrorist types sarge your advice was nearly spot on YOU FORGOT THE POTATOES when beer runs out you can use them to make the poitin DEIRDRE
After another uncomfortable night, we awoke to find another problem that we had not anticipated and that none of our pre conflict training which consisted of watching all of John Waynes war films, (none of which showed the darker side of a conflict) had prepared us for.............an infestation of flies!! It would seem that a combination of the warm weather and the now over powering stench that is in the house has attracted these unwelcome germ spreading creatures.
item seven.....insect repellents
As before I used the cover of darkness to slip from within my bunker and go on a search for sustainance for the both of us and after belly crawling to the cupboard under the stairs for some shoe polish to blaken my face and some suitable rag, to tie a bandanna around my head I now feel better protected and able to cope with the dark forces that threaten us. After posing for a brief second in front of the hall mirror and deciding that with a light spraying of cooking oil on my upper arms and torso and some smears of green emulsion I would look just like Rambo, I siddled along the walls of the house to the kitchen, being very carefull not to allow my silhouette or shadow give me away.
Once in the kitchen, I grabbed a box of Frosties, an apple each, and a bag of Doritto's for mrs davej as these are her favourite and her spirits were flagging. I also went to the tupperware chocolate box in the fridge to get a Crunchie each but as usual, the fLuckin pixies at the bottom of the garden had been in and eaten the buggers before we had a chance to get to them. I also managed to find a box of wet wipes so that we can finally clean ourselves up without the need for running water. I also used the Durex that we were advised to pack in the rations box, as water carriers so I guess they wern't as stupid as we first thought.
item eight....wet wipes
After returning to mrs davej and sharing my nights hunting with her, I saw her spirits lift a little although this war lark is still very hard. My spirits on the other hand took a severe blow when I opened my Frosties only to find that the bRastards at the factory hadn't included my free plastic Crocodile and that I had forgotten the scissors to cut out the face mask of 'Tony The Tiger' from the back of the pack.
item nine............. scissors
After satisfying our hunger and our thirst from the durex water bottles we decided to assist each other in getting clean by useing the wet wipes. It is much easier when in the prone position under a table and ironing board to assist each other than do yourself. After removing mrs davej's top and jeans, I proceeded to wipe her down as best I could with the wet wipes until I reached the area where she was most in need of cleaning. Unfortunately because of a combination of poor diet, excessive heat, extended periods without being able to wash, periods of allowing the body to function normally and periods of allowing the results of that function to dry, I was unable to wrestle the now cemented G-string from its resting place no matter how hard i tugged and in the end had to admit defeat and clean as best I could with the garment in place.
item ten.............a team of Quik Fit Fitters for G-string removal
We have again settled into sleep mode, to preserve our energy and despite the flies, are feeling bolstered by the intake of food and the simple cleaning, that whilst taken for granted normally, was in these times of trouble, a boon.
I am sending this reconaisence report from the public bar of the Dog and Futtock in Little Mincing .
I have great news of a technological breakthrough, Mick the barman has just got back from holiday in Brazil , Pedro the taxi driver who collected them from the airport told him that the CD hanging up in the windscreen of his cab deflects all radiation , including speed cameras . Mick has fitted one here in the bay window looking out over the cricket pitch ( don't worry , the CD is a free "Best of Julio Englesias " from a 1997 Mail on Sunday) , this is working very well , both the beer engine and the microwave are fully functional and no one has turned into a green slime and ebbed out under the door , so it seems to have improved the beer .
More research is needed so I will looking to forum members as it is your round now .
..
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