Am i wrong in telling our 16 year old.....he has to come out with us......
of lately our teenage son,seems to want to spend less and less time with us (the rest of the family).....i've tried to tell him its important that we all at least spend a couple of hours together at the weekend(family time)......because he will miss it later in life!......when the kids were younger we would go out all the time and visit lots of places.....but since his refusal to join in,i'm finding it very hard and hurtful!.....its even led to arguments as i believe he is being selfish and only thinking of himself......am i over reacting and this is just a teenage thing.....or should he realise he's lucky that he has parents that want to spend quaility time with him?
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Am i wrong?
Quote by da69ve
Am i wrong in telling our 16 year old.....he has to come out with us......
of lately our teenage son,seems to want to spend less and less time with us (the rest of the family).....i've tried to tell him its important that we all at least spend a couple of hours together at the weekend(family time)......because he will miss it later in life!......when the kids were younger we would go out all the time and visit lots of places.....but since his refusal to join in,i'm finding it very hard and hurtful!.....its even led to arguments as i believe he is being selfish and only thinking of himself......am i over reacting and this is just a teenage thing.....or should he realise he's lucky that he has parents that want to spend quaility time with him?
You know what im dreading this with my 3 daughters, my eldest is eleven so not quite at the stage where she wouldnt be seen dead shopping or going out with poor old mum. I can remember that i was the same when i reached about 14, so i think that most teenagers go through this stage, i know that it can seem hurtful but its just part of growing up and finding themselves. As long as they know (which im sure they do) that you would still love to spend time out with them, even if its just now and again. Just wait until they leave home, you'll see more of them than ever before.
Louise xx
You're absolutely not wrong at all. We have a daughter of 15 and we are feeling the same. Although her and I are very close I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the fact she's off doing her own thing. They will do this regardless and I think the more you push them the more you alienate them.
It's really difficult d69ve, each child is different. It does hurt when they don't want to come out with you but I think it's just their age and he will change again, you may find you'll both end up going for a pint together in a few years time. It's no consolation at the minute I know.
:therethere:
It's really difficult d69ve, each child is different. It does hurt when they don't want to come out with you but I think it's just their age and he will change again, you may find you'll both end up going for a pint together in a few years time. It's no consolation at the minute I know.
:therethere:
yeah.....someone has to do his washing!
like today.....we're all going to see Casino Royale....but he doesn't want to go....even though he likes a good Bond film......and we always use to go to the cinema...it was one of the only things we had in common and even that is fading away!.....i won't even know what to talk about with him soon!
like today.....we're all going to see Casino Royale....but he doesn't want to go....even though he likes a good Bond film......and we always use to go to the cinema...it was one of the only things we had in common and even that is fading away!.....i won't even know what to talk about with him soon!
Quote by da69ve
yeah.....someone has to do his washing!
like today.....we're all going to see Casino Royale....but he doesn't want to go....even though he likes a good Bond film......and we always use to go to the cinema...it was one of the only things we had in common and even that is fading away!.....i won't even know what to talk about with him soon!
That's right, and I bet he'll prob. go and see the film with his pals tho... the hurtful thing is.. yes teenagers are embarassed by their parents for what reason I don't know!.. BUT if he was in need of you he'd be there like a shot.
Your common interest will always remain with you both but at this moment in time he's hiding it while he's trying to deal with all these horrible hormones!
Sex God
All our sons are in their 20's now, but when they were that age one of them steadfastly refused to go out on *family outings* - shopping, cinema anything from the age of around 13 or 14.
We never pressed him into going and to be honest I thought it would push him away if we did.
However, by the time he got to 18 he had grown out of the *I wouldn't be seen dead with my parents in tow* thing and quite happily came along to the pub, family get togethers, parties etc.
It's their way of showing their independance and will blow over, but sadly it's the parents who feel the loss of the family unit as they have known it and is inevitable they will grow apart, at least for a time.
Let him have his wings. He will come back and be all the better for it
TJ
We never pressed him into going and to be honest I thought it would push him away if we did.
However, by the time he got to 18 he had grown out of the *I wouldn't be seen dead with my parents in tow* thing and quite happily came along to the pub, family get togethers, parties etc.
It's their way of showing their independance and will blow over, but sadly it's the parents who feel the loss of the family unit as they have known it and is inevitable they will grow apart, at least for a time.
Let him have his wings. He will come back and be all the better for it
TJ
It is just your little boy becoming an independent young man. Whilst I agree with your point on family-time, he is at a time in his life where he also needs to feel he is making his own decisions. Being allowed to make your own decisions is an important part of growing up and becoming an adult. I am sure there are or will be times when you actually want him to do this - it is all tied in with learning to take responsibility.
Neither of you are being selfish, you just both want different things at that moment in time.
Did he have any input into when this family time would be?
Just as you feel he is being uncompromising by imposing his will on you - will he not be seeing your insistence as the same thing.
The tendency, usually through frustration, is for the parent to play the ’I am your parent card’ rather than extend the compromise. But does that encourage the young adult to develop his skills when power plays are being used on him.
Alternatively, we can recognise the struggle many young people face between learning to be independent and being an offspring.
Whilst you will have your values and beliefs in what is right , he is trying to develop his own.
Neither of you are being selfish, you just both want different things at that moment in time.
Did he have any input into when this family time would be?
Just as you feel he is being uncompromising by imposing his will on you - will he not be seeing your insistence as the same thing.
The tendency, usually through frustration, is for the parent to play the ’I am your parent card’ rather than extend the compromise. But does that encourage the young adult to develop his skills when power plays are being used on him.
Alternatively, we can recognise the struggle many young people face between learning to be independent and being an offspring.
Whilst you will have your values and beliefs in what is right , he is trying to develop his own.
redhot is so right .. i have two daughters who when in early teens did not want to mix with family at all.. strangely when they got to about 17 they changed completely and it is only recently that they have left home at age 27 ... its a peer thing.. i'm too old to remember when i was like it (i think)
Quote by da69ve
like today.....we're all going to see Casino Royale....but he doesn't want to go....even though he likes a good Bond film......and we always use to go to the cinema...it was one of the only things we had in common and even that is fading away!.....i won't even know what to talk about with him soon!
Do all of your friends share the same interest in Bond movies? Yet I am sure it's not that hard to find things to talk about with them.
He may grow to have no common interests with you what-so-ever... after all they are your interests, he will develop his own. That doesn't mean you can't be interested in each other.
The fact that you have shared interests shows you have had a strong positive influence on him as he has grown. He knows who you are and by sharing those interests he has paid you a great compliment. He just needs a bit more breathing space now to work out who he is.
Quote by PoloLady
like today.....we're all going to see Casino Royale....but he doesn't want to go....even though he likes a good Bond film......and we always use to go to the cinema...it was one of the only things we had in common and even that is fading away!.....i won't even know what to talk about with him soon!
Do all of your friends share the same interest in Bond movies? Yet I am sure it's not that hard to find things to talk about with them.
He may grow to have no common interests with you what-so-ever... after all they are your interests, he will develop his own. That doesn't mean you can't be interested in each other.
The fact that you have shared interests shows you have had a strong positive influence on him as he has grown. He knows who you are and by sharing those interests he has paid you a great compliment. He just needs a bit more breathing space now to work out who he is.
our common interest was films in general not just Bond,that was just an example for this weekend.....we would always go and see a film together...he still likes films but just doesn't show any interest in going with myself or the family!.....he loves football....i don't but i will always try and show an interest in it.....just so that we don't complete drift apart!
Try asking him.
If you guys have a good relationship anyway, he'll probably appreciate a " I know you are enjoying being independant, and we understand that- but we would all really appreciate it if you came to see the film with us- no pressure, its your choice....but I might just buy you a beer afterwards"
You never know!
If you guys have a good relationship anyway, he'll probably appreciate a " I know you are enjoying being independant, and we understand that- but we would all really appreciate it if you came to see the film with us- no pressure, its your choice....but I might just buy you a beer afterwards"
You never know!
Quote by da69ve
like today.....we're all going to see Casino Royale....but he doesn't want to go....even though he likes a good Bond film......and we always use to go to the cinema...it was one of the only things we had in common and even that is fading away!.....i won't even know what to talk about with him soon!
I wouldn't bother. My Brother took our 15 year old yesterday as Ian is working this weekend, they both thought it was rubbish
As for spending time with our eldest, I guess I just make the most of it when he will put up with us and allow him to do his own thing at other times. If we really do have a family gathering then we make a comprimise, he comes with us and I'll do something he wants. Even if it is just renting him a DVD to watch in his room.
Before I make any comments to him I have to sit back and think what was I like at his age and I know he is a better behaved child than I was
Sex God
we have 16 18 and little ones and dont have any trouble with going out with them
weekends its forest........river............southend............greenwich park..........
they allways want to come.
but ask to clear up the mess they make in house
well.............................
weekends its forest........river............southend............greenwich park..........
they allways want to come.
but ask to clear up the mess they make in house
well.............................
My youngest is 16 and going through the same thing. He's been away all weekend and came home this afternoon. I got up about 4pm and he was on the pc with his headphones on so I didn't disturb him. It took him an hour to realise I was there and say hello.
Anything I suggest we do together, he doesn't want to know but as long as he knows I'll be here if anf when he needs me, I just let him get on with it.
He's becoming independant and feeling his feet by going it alone. It's a bit of a shock when it happens but you have to respect that the day has come where his world revolves around himself and not you as parents anymore.
I look at it as kids having an invisible wire attached to you. As they get older they venture further and further away on their own but you still have the power to rope them back in again. At this age, the wire is stretched to the max and if you pull too hard, the wire will break. Leave him but keep an eye out and he'll realise on his own that he's reached the limit and will soon have to return to the fold.
The hardest part of course, is when they reach the age where the wire has to be severed for good and they move away :cry: That's when their inbuilt compass guides them back to you when they really need you the most.
fuck me,that made too much sense :shock: I think I need another lie down
Anything I suggest we do together, he doesn't want to know but as long as he knows I'll be here if anf when he needs me, I just let him get on with it.
He's becoming independant and feeling his feet by going it alone. It's a bit of a shock when it happens but you have to respect that the day has come where his world revolves around himself and not you as parents anymore.
I look at it as kids having an invisible wire attached to you. As they get older they venture further and further away on their own but you still have the power to rope them back in again. At this age, the wire is stretched to the max and if you pull too hard, the wire will break. Leave him but keep an eye out and he'll realise on his own that he's reached the limit and will soon have to return to the fold.
The hardest part of course, is when they reach the age where the wire has to be severed for good and they move away :cry: That's when their inbuilt compass guides them back to you when they really need you the most.
fuck me,that made too much sense :shock: I think I need another lie down
Sex God
Well did you??
Have any sweets for him, the poor half starved lad ?
Have any sweets for him, the poor half starved lad ?
Quote by da69ve
well we went to the cinema.....without him of course......first thing he asked when we got back..."did you bring any sweets back for me?"
I have a saying for the kids "if your not init you can't winit" now they wouldn't even ask what they got if they didn't come. Had similar problem with my eldest when she was 14 but now she's 17 she usually instigates the days out. Don't worry mate when the penny drops and they realise where thier bread is buttered they will come round. Just go with it and accept its part of growing up, certainly not worth arguing over.
blimey that was long
Quote by da69ve
Am i wrong in telling our 16 year old.....he has to come out with us......
of lately our teenage son,seems to want to spend less and less time with us (the rest of the family).....i've tried to tell him its important that we all at least spend a couple of hours together at the weekend(family time)......because he will miss it later in life!......when the kids were younger we would go out all the time and visit lots of places.....but since his refusal to join in,i'm finding it very hard and hurtful!.....its even led to arguments as i believe he is being selfish and only thinking of himself......am i over reacting and this is just a teenage thing.....or should he realise he's lucky that he has parents that want to spend quaility time with him?
I'm going through all this too atm, with my 14yr old - and to say that it's a massive adjustment for me is the biggest understatement.
I don't like giving her the free rein, cos I don't trust that she'll be responsible
She's proven me right a few times with this, hence the lack of trust, not only that, but the worry when she is out :?She adores music, goes to see a lot of bands in the centre of town, which worries the hell outta me. Although the venue is from age 14 and the staff are very stringent, I just don't like to see her mixing with so many 20something yr olds - massive peer pressure for her............... Only yesterday making her take out the 5mm tunnels, cos she overstepped the compromise of 3mm
I do make sure she's got a lift, or I take/pick her up, because of the area she's in - but that's all new, cos only found out a few weeks ago, that she was going to this place :shock: (flat out noway when she asked and asked and asked) - I had to go in and haul the kid out
Although once I saw the venue and staff, was much happier about her going there, hence the compromise of, you can go, but on my terms with the safety aspect.She also much prefers to go out with her mates, than anything 'familyish' :? What I've done to keep contact with her tho - is have set dinner times, around the table, all of us present........ even small talk at least keeps some interraction going. Must admit, that since starting this (as opposed to dinners on trays in front of telly :? ), dinner times have become rather social and enjoyable - one hell of a lot more than I thought it would.
I hate the constant battles and the constant pushing of luck - it seems that if it isn't her way, then it's screaming banshee time :? ............ terrible twos are nothing compared to the terrible 14s :?
Quote by Missy
I hate the constant battles and the constant pushing of luck - it seems that if it isn't her way, then it's screaming banshee time
Missy having read your post, I now realise how easy we have it. I can't imagine anything being worse than when the twins were in their terrible 2's :eeek: Our 15 year old sounds so much easier than your 14 year old :therethere:
I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact we have lads and yours are girls
Quote by Dawnie
Missy having read your post, I now realise how easy we have it. I can't imagine anything being worse than when the twins were in their terrible 2's :eeek: Our 15 year old sounds so much easier than your 14 year old :therethere:
I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact we have lads and yours are girls
I think I just had it really easy with the 'terrible twos' - making up for it now tho
Kinda like you but in reverse by the sounds :lol: Wouldn't want to trivialise the 'terrible two's' from anyone, cos I've seen that it can also be v. draining and demoralising for parents.She's always been a doddle to bring up - she's still one hell of a character, just so headstrong these days tho
Oh, and she knows everything - what's taken me 40 years to learn, she's learnt in 14
All these tethers that people are at the end of ............ who's got the beginning of em tho, that's what I want to know!!! :?
