Arranged marriages

10 Feb 2008

The recent interest in this subject in the context of Asian gay sham marriages, has prompted me to think of the traditional British marriage situation:
Until the quite recent switch in our culture, there was always pressure for people to marry for one reason or another: young woman becoming pregnant; slightly older people under peer pressure (and in the 60s and 70s even employer pressure for some jobs) before they "were on the shelf" - and this is all well within living memory.
My view of the future of marriage is rather uncertain - probably still the best institution for bringing up children in, but perhaps rather limited otherwise.
Other views awaited with interest.
Respectfully submitted
Plim rolleyes

10 Feb 2008

are you asking peoples opinion on arranged marriages or marriage in general ?

10 Feb 2008

I got married for the second time because I like the security of marriage, I'm traditional in that I like to be married and I love being called Jay's wife .... but.... it doesn't make me love him any more than I already do with or without that bit of paper. If ever this marriage went wrong (god forbid it won't) I'll never marry again.
Marriage, civil partnerships, common law partnerships, they're all just confirmation of one major factor, a couple who are in love and who are happy to be together.
It's about personal choice, maybe that's why marriage statistics are plummeting, people are now doing what they want to do and not what others want them to do.

10 Feb 2008

Quote by jaymar
I got married for the second time because I like the security of marriage, I'm traditional in that I like to be married and I love being called Jay's wife .... but.... it doesn't make me love him any more than I already do with or without that bit of paper. If ever this marriage went wrong (god forbid it won't) I'll never marry again.
Marriage, civil partnerships, common law partnerships, they're all just confirmation of one major factor, a couple who are in love and who are happy to be together.
It's about personal choice, maybe that's why marriage statistics are plummeting, people are now doing what they want to do and not what others want them to do.

I think thats very true.
Should I find myself "unmarried" for whatever reason, I wouldn't ever get married again. I just wouldn't see a reason for it.
I think you make a commitment to someone in your head- a bit of paper doesn't make it any different.
As for arranged marriages- if they're undertaken as they should be- it's pretty much nothing more than a system of introductions. No problem with that personally, if everyone is genuinely happy with it.
Forced marriages- now that's a very different kettle of fish confused

10 Feb 2008

Quote by Plimboy
The recent interest in this subject in the context of Asian gay sham marriages, has prompted me to think of the traditional British marriage situation:
Until the quite recent switch in our culture, there was always pressure for people to marry for one reason or another: young woman becoming pregnant; slightly older people under peer pressure (and in the 60s and 70s even employer pressure for some jobs) before they "were on the shelf" - and this is all well within living memory.
My view of the future of marriage is rather uncertain - probably still the best institution for bringing up children in, but perhaps rather limited otherwise.
Other views awaited with interest.
Respectfully submitted
Plim

Even though I am divorced I do believe in the sangtitude of marriage. I also believe that children should also be brought up in a stable marriage but in these days, a lot of people cannot see the reason of it. Also with so many marriages falling apart, does a piece of paper really make a difference? Reading that I seem to be contradicting myself. lol

I believe that nobody should be forced into marriage, no matter what the situation. Years ago there was a stigma of having a child out of marriage but that stigma no longer exists. As for arranged marriages I feel they are wrong, but dont understand enough about other cultures to have an arguement.
We now live in a country where there are many other faiths and beliefs on marriage. I def do not agree with people who have more than one wife, why the hell would anyone want more than one? :shock: :shock: If people do want to have a second or third wife then fine, as long as they are the ones who pick the tab up for it, and as we have heard lately..not the taxpayer! Getting too political now, which happens when you talk about marriage.

10 Feb 2008

Quote by kentswingers777
The recent interest in this subject in the context of Asian gay sham marriages, has prompted me to think of the traditional British marriage situation:
Until the quite recent switch in our culture, there was always pressure for people to marry for one reason or another: young woman becoming pregnant; slightly older people under peer pressure (and in the 60s and 70s even employer pressure for some jobs) before they "were on the shelf" - and this is all well within living memory.
My view of the future of marriage is rather uncertain - probably still the best institution for bringing up children in, but perhaps rather limited otherwise.
Other views awaited with interest.
Respectfully submitted
Plim

Even though I am divorced I do believe in the sangtitude of marriage. I also believe that children should also be brought up in a stable marriage but in these days, a lot of people cannot see the reason of it. Also with so many marriages falling apart, does a piece of paper really make a difference? Reading that I seem to be contradicting myself. lol

I believe that nobody should be forced into marriage, no matter what the situation. Years ago there was a stigma of having a child out of marriage but that stigma no longer exists. As for arranged marriages I feel they are wrong, but dont understand enough about other cultures to have an arguement.
We now live in a country where there are many other faiths and beliefs on marriage. I def do not agree with people who have more than one wife, why the hell would anyone want more than one? :shock: :shock: If people do want to have a second or third wife then fine, as long as they are the ones who pick the tab up for it, and as we have heard lately..not the taxpayer! Getting too political now, which happens when you talk about marriage.
I acknowledge your thoughts but on the highlighted bit I would say that children should be brought up in a safe, loving environment and they can get this from parents married or not.

10 Feb 2008

At 16 my parents tried to force me to marry my sons father, it nearly went ahead to. reg office was booked, until someone asked me why i was gettting married - my answer was "because my parents want me to"
The person said nothing but it made alarm bells ring, i dont think it registered that i had a choice until i had said it outloud
my refusal to get married ended up in me being kicked out the family home in the middle of the night with my son (4 months old at the time)and shunned by some family members, but it was the best decision ive ever made
I am not married now either but co habiting with dek, nothing would change, if we were to marry as far as my son is concerned other than possibly his surname changing. It would not make his life any more stable than it already is.
Dek has been married in the past so its not something he wants to do again, Im happy they way things are

10 Feb 2008

Quote by jaymar
The recent interest in this subject in the context of Asian gay sham marriages, has prompted me to think of the traditional British marriage situation:
Until the quite recent switch in our culture, there was always pressure for people to marry for one reason or another: young woman becoming pregnant; slightly older people under peer pressure (and in the 60s and 70s even employer pressure for some jobs) before they "were on the shelf" - and this is all well within living memory.
My view of the future of marriage is rather uncertain - probably still the best institution for bringing up children in, but perhaps rather limited otherwise.
Other views awaited with interest.
Respectfully submitted
Plim

Even though I am divorced I do believe in the sangtitude of marriage. I also believe that children should also be brought up in a stable marriage but in these days, a lot of people cannot see the reason of it. Also with so many marriages falling apart, does a piece of paper really make a difference? Reading that I seem to be contradicting myself. lol

I believe that nobody should be forced into marriage, no matter what the situation. Years ago there was a stigma of having a child out of marriage but that stigma no longer exists. As for arranged marriages I feel they are wrong, but dont understand enough about other cultures to have an arguement.
We now live in a country where there are many other faiths and beliefs on marriage. I def do not agree with people who have more than one wife, why the hell would anyone want more than one? :shock: :shock: If people do want to have a second or third wife then fine, as long as they are the ones who pick the tab up for it, and as we have heard lately..not the taxpayer! Getting too political now, which happens when you talk about marriage.
I acknowledge your thoughts but on the highlighted bit I would say that children should be brought up in a safe, loving environment and they can get this from parents married or not.
In my experience....2 good parents are always better than 1. Pity so many marriages break down, especially when kids are involved though!

10 Feb 2008

I would like to get married one day, simply to go through that whole life experience.
Though if i was to marry i would perfer it to be arranged. I'm not one for hard work.

10 Feb 2008

Quote by kentswingers777
The recent interest in this subject in the context of Asian gay sham marriages, has prompted me to think of the traditional British marriage situation:
Until the quite recent switch in our culture, there was always pressure for people to marry for one reason or another: young woman becoming pregnant; slightly older people under peer pressure (and in the 60s and 70s even employer pressure for some jobs) before they "were on the shelf" - and this is all well within living memory.
My view of the future of marriage is rather uncertain - probably still the best institution for bringing up children in, but perhaps rather limited otherwise.
Other views awaited with interest.
Respectfully submitted
Plim

Even though I am divorced I do believe in the sangtitude of marriage. I also believe that children should also be brought up in a stable marriage but in these days, a lot of people cannot see the reason of it. Also with so many marriages falling apart, does a piece of paper really make a difference? Reading that I seem to be contradicting myself. lol

I believe that nobody should be forced into marriage, no matter what the situation. Years ago there was a stigma of having a child out of marriage but that stigma no longer exists. As for arranged marriages I feel they are wrong, but dont understand enough about other cultures to have an arguement.
We now live in a country where there are many other faiths and beliefs on marriage. I def do not agree with people who have more than one wife, why the hell would anyone want more than one? :shock: :shock: If people do want to have a second or third wife then fine, as long as they are the ones who pick the tab up for it, and as we have heard lately..not the taxpayer! Getting too political now, which happens when you talk about marriage.
I acknowledge your thoughts but on the highlighted bit I would say that children should be brought up in a safe, loving environment and they can get this from parents married or not.
In my experience....2 good parents are always better than 1. Pity so many marriages break down, especially when kids are involved though!
I don't understand? 2 good parents are better than 1? I don't agree with you - I was left on my own when my first husband walked out, not our fault I didn't ask for it to happen, but my daughter didn't suffer she still saw him and is very close to him the only difference to her is Mammy and Daddy just didn't live together. She's quite well adjusted with both of us.
I think one parent is sometimes better than 2 if the 2 are unhappy and not getting on, don't you think?? dunno

10 Feb 2008

Quote by jaymar
The recent interest in this subject in the context of Asian gay sham marriages, has prompted me to think of the traditional British marriage situation:
Until the quite recent switch in our culture, there was always pressure for people to marry for one reason or another: young woman becoming pregnant; slightly older people under peer pressure (and in the 60s and 70s even employer pressure for some jobs) before they "were on the shelf" - and this is all well within living memory.
My view of the future of marriage is rather uncertain - probably still the best institution for bringing up children in, but perhaps rather limited otherwise.
Other views awaited with interest.
Respectfully submitted
Plim

Even though I am divorced I do believe in the sangtitude of marriage. I also believe that children should also be brought up in a stable marriage but in these days, a lot of people cannot see the reason of it. Also with so many marriages falling apart, does a piece of paper really make a difference? Reading that I seem to be contradicting myself. lol

I believe that nobody should be forced into marriage, no matter what the situation. Years ago there was a stigma of having a child out of marriage but that stigma no longer exists. As for arranged marriages I feel they are wrong, but dont understand enough about other cultures to have an arguement.
We now live in a country where there are many other faiths and beliefs on marriage. I def do not agree with people who have more than one wife, why the hell would anyone want more than one? :shock: :shock: If people do want to have a second or third wife then fine, as long as they are the ones who pick the tab up for it, and as we have heard lately..not the taxpayer! Getting too political now, which happens when you talk about marriage.
I acknowledge your thoughts but on the highlighted bit I would say that children should be brought up in a safe, loving environment and they can get this from parents married or not.
In my experience....2 good parents are always better than 1. Pity so many marriages break down, especially when kids are involved though!
I don't understand? 2 good parents are better than 1? I don't agree with you - I was left on my own when my first husband walked out, not our fault I didn't ask for it to happen, but my daughter didn't suffer she still saw him and is very close to him the only difference to her is Mammy and Daddy just didn't live together. She's quite well adjusted with both of us.
I think one parent is sometimes better than 2 if the 2 are unhappy and not getting on, don't you think?? dunno

If parents are not getting on or there is unhappiness in the house, then I agree that is not good for the child but...if you are asking me is it best to have 2 loving parents or only 1, then sorry it would be 2 parents everytime. I think you will find most would agree with that.
I never said that a single parent is not a good parent, of course they can be but, a child needs a Father and Mother as they both give the child different things. I was luckily enough to be brought up by two loving parents and feel that if I only had the one parent maybe just maybe, would have felt I missed out on something.

10 Feb 2008

Quote by X_fanny_x
At 16 my parents tried to force me to marry my sons father, it nearly went ahead to. reg office was booked, until someone asked me why i was gettting married - my answer was "because my parents want me to"
The person said nothing but it made alarm bells ring, i dont think it registered that i had a choice until i had said it outloud
my refusal to get married ended up in me being kicked out the family home in the middle of the night with my son (4 months old at the time)and shunned by some family members, but it was the best decision ive ever made
I am not married now either but co habiting with dek, nothing would change, if we were to marry as far as my son is concerned other than possibly his surname changing. It would not make his life any more stable than it already is.
Dek has been married in the past so its not something he wants to do again, Im happy they way things are

the childs name wouldnt change as this has to be done through the official deed poll way.
Have people thought about what would happen in the event of something dreadful like death occuring ..... just because you live together as man and wife does not give you the security that marriag does interms of finances, like inheritance, if i am right even if its stated in a will (and who's is up to date!!!!!) then the next of kin can override the wishes of the departed the only way to overcome this is to become the next of kin through marriage.

10 Feb 2008

I'm not sure I understand how one good parent can be better than two good parents.
I would have thought that two good parents are better than one good parent, because all the good things that one parent can do, are multiplied by two.
I can't talk from personal experience, not having had any good parents, but that's what I would have thought.

10 Feb 2008

Quote by Sara_2006
if i am right even if its stated in a will (and who's is up to date!!!!!) then the next of kin can override the wishes of the departed the only way to overcome this is to become the next of kin through marriage.

I've never heard of this before - surely this can't be right - is it? OMG! :shock:

10 Feb 2008

Quote by Sara_2006
At 16 my parents tried to force me to marry my sons father, it nearly went ahead to. reg office was booked, until someone asked me why i was gettting married - my answer was "because my parents want me to"
The person said nothing but it made alarm bells ring, i dont think it registered that i had a choice until i had said it outloud
my refusal to get married ended up in me being kicked out the family home in the middle of the night with my son (4 months old at the time)and shunned by some family members, but it was the best decision ive ever made
I am not married now either but co habiting with dek, nothing would change, if we were to marry as far as my son is concerned other than possibly his surname changing. It would not make his life any more stable than it already is.
Dek has been married in the past so its not something he wants to do again, Im happy they way things are

the childs name wouldnt change as this has to be done through the official deed poll way.
Have people thought about what would happen in the event of something dreadful like death occuring ..... just because you live together as man and wife does not give you the security that marriag does interms of finances, like inheritance, if i am right even if its stated in a will (and who's is up to date!!!!!) then the next of kin can override the wishes of the departed the only way to overcome this is to become the next of kin through marriage.
Hmmmm I have always been lead to believe if you have made a will and said the child has to go to the namd person.
For instance.... My daughter doesn't see her father... so if i've NOT made a will and something happened to me, then she would go directly to her father and then her grandparents who she stays with if not with me, would have to fight through court for her.
personally, i would make 1 for her to go to her grandpartents with er not having any contact with her father for 3 yrs.

10 Feb 2008

lil even if you made a will he could fight the grandparents for the right to see the child
and fanny also if i remember right from when my mum got my brothers name changed ... she had to fight my brothers father for the right to get his name changed as well

10 Feb 2008

There is a BIG difference from seeing the child to being its legal guardian.
Im talking about who the child will live with.

10 Feb 2008

Thanks to all those who have contributed - it is a complex issue, but then so many are nowadays.
This was a general question re marriage and I was pleased that so many aspects have been brought out already - Fanny, I was so sad to hear of your experience - thank you for sharing it with everyone.
Plim rolleyes

10 Feb 2008

Quote by Lilmiss
At 16 my parents tried to force me to marry my sons father, it nearly went ahead to. reg office was booked, until someone asked me why i was getting married - my answer was "because my parents want me to"
The person said nothing but it made alarm bells ring, i dont think it registered that i had a choice until i had said it outloud
my refusal to get married ended up in me being kicked out the family home in the middle of the night with my son (4 months old at the time)and shunned by some family members, but it was the best decision ive ever made
I am not married now either but co habiting with dek, nothing would change, if we were to marry as far as my son is concerned other than possibly his surname changing. It would not make his life any more stable than it already is.
Dek has been married in the past so its not something he wants to do again, Im happy they way things are

the childs name wouldnt change as this has to be done through the official deed poll way.
Have people thought about what would happen in the event of something dreadful like death occuring ..... just because you live together as man and wife does not give you the security that marriag does interms of finances, like inheritance, if i am right even if its stated in a will (and who's is up to date!!!!!) then the next of kin can override the wishes of the departed the only way to overcome this is to become the next of kin through marriage.
Hmmmm I have always been lead to believe if you have made a will and said the child has to go to the namd person.
For instance.... My daughter doesn't see her father... so if i've NOT made a will and something happened to me, then she would go directly to her father and then her grandparents who she stays with if not with me, would have to fight through court for her.
personally, i would make 1 for her to go to her grandpartents with er not having any contact with her father for 3 yrs.
there is something you can get done at a solicitors, not a will but specifically for children because of deks work if anything was to happen to me i have a piece of "legal paper" that gives my "named persons" legal guardianship if anything happens to me, my son does not know his father and it would work out he would end up living with someone he does not know if i didnt have this bit of paper
As far as the will is concerned between me and dek goes - yes we are co habiting im not his next of kin if/when that time comes if his family /next of kin dispute his will then so be it, im not with him for whats in his will if i get nothing then thats that. if with him becasue i love him.

10 Feb 2008

According to this website,

If you die before you make a will your unmarried partner won't automatically inherit anything from you, regardless of how long you've been together. Everything, right down to the gifts and cards your partner gave you, will go to your nearest blood relative.
So that implies that co-habiting couples who DO make a will, can be sure their wishes will be followed.

11 Feb 2008

Quote by Cherrytree
I'm not sure I understand how one good parent can be better than two good parents.
I would have thought that two good parents are better than one good parent, because all the good things that one parent can do, are multiplied by two.
I can't talk from personal experience, not having had any good parents, but that's what I would have thought.

Nobody is advocating that one parent is better than two, I was simply saying that in some circumstances one parent is better than two who row, fight use violence etc. I've seen the affects upon a child from a two parent home where the atmosphere was crap and I've seen a child from a home with one parent who was 100% happy and relaxed. But these are examples.
At the end of the day, no person can sit here and say a home with two parents is better than with one, and visa versa, it's all down to circumstances. I've had a lovely upbringing but my parents fought like cat and dog and the atmosphere was horrible. We regularly tip toed around the house frightened to make a noise or to relax and be 'kids'. I think that is a horrible environment for a child.
And Kent.. of course if there's the opportunity to have both Mammy and Daddy at home that is the nicer, more natural option wink

11 Feb 2008

Quote by jaymar
I don't understand? 2 good parents are better than 1? I don't agree with you

Sorry Mar

I did read this as 2 good parents are better than 1 good parent, but I see what you are saying now, and I totally agree - life when I was growing up was a lot more peaceful after my father left.

11 Feb 2008

Me and Joe are getting married in July :bounce:
Now weve been together for 14 year's and we have three beautiful children together.
Now, some might say, you've been together that long so why now?
The reason being is that we feel the time is right.
After a tough year last year with me being diagnosed with Multiple Sclersois the first thing we decided was to finally get married, not just for our sakes but for the kid's too. I know our kid's would love us all to have the same name lol

but thats about as far as our kids see marriage I think.
We both come from well established married background's and just see getting married as the normal route that we should take.
For us, it's the ultimate security from each other.
louise xx

11 Feb 2008

Wow Louise, that's lovely! :bounce:

11 Feb 2008

Quote by Cherrytree
Wow Louise, that's lovely! :bounce:

Thank you
Louise xx
Ps although ive got a major headache from all the preparations.
What preparation's, I still havent managed to do half of them redface

11 Feb 2008

congrats L and J... kiss

Soooooo if you and J are arranging it. It must classify as an 'arranged marriage'. Does that make it better or worse than other marriages?
Or has this thread been about people other than the Bride/groom and the bride/groom arranging it ? wink

11 Feb 2008

Quote by Cherrytree

I don't understand? 2 good parents are better than 1? I don't agree with you

Sorry Mar

I did read this as 2 good parents are better than 1 good parent, but I see what you are saying now, and I totally agree - life when I was growing up was a lot more peaceful after my father left.
:kiss:

11 Feb 2008

Quote by louise_and_joe
Me and Joe are getting married in July :bounce:
Now weve been together for 14 year's and we have three beautiful children together.
Now, some might say, you've been together that long so why now?
The reason being is that we feel the time is right.
After a tough year last year with me being diagnosed with Multiple Sclersois the first thing we decided was to finally get married, not just for our sakes but for the kid's too. I know our kid's would love us all to have the same name but thats about as far as our kids see marriage I think.
We both come from well established married background's and just see getting married as the normal route that we should take.
For us, it's the ultimate security from each other.
louise xx

All the very best to you both - and take care.
Plim biggrin

12 Feb 2008

Bet there are loads of arranged marriages about to be announced...........its Leap Year............trouble is the poor blokes dont know it yet :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: