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Ask Your Auntie
Sex God
Now I have cut the toes of my new red boots how do I keep my feet warm
Solefull
Solefull
Dear Auntie Polo Lady;
I have been recently thrown out of my bed while being happily asleep having been told by my partner that although thinking I am happily asleep, I am in fact either trying to have have sexual intercourse with said partner or am snoring so loud that I sound louder the foghorn from the Lizzard lighthouse on a very foggy day.
Although my couch is very comfortable and we have great fun when my partner wakes up and joins me in the mornings, I do feel that I should be spending the night in my own bed and attempting to have sexual intercourse no matter how much noise I may (or may not) make.
Can you please advise if I should:
- Issue my Mrs. McC with ear plugs?
- Move to a larger house?
- Send Mrs Mc on a snoring awareness course?
- Peruade that sex while she is asleep is at least good for me?
- Accept the problem and move onto the couch?
- None of the above,
Confused of Haarlem
I have been recently thrown out of my bed while being happily asleep having been told by my partner that although thinking I am happily asleep, I am in fact either trying to have have sexual intercourse with said partner or am snoring so loud that I sound louder the foghorn from the Lizzard lighthouse on a very foggy day.
Although my couch is very comfortable and we have great fun when my partner wakes up and joins me in the mornings, I do feel that I should be spending the night in my own bed and attempting to have sexual intercourse no matter how much noise I may (or may not) make.
Can you please advise if I should:
- Issue my Mrs. McC with ear plugs?
- Move to a larger house?
- Send Mrs Mc on a snoring awareness course?
- Peruade that sex while she is asleep is at least good for me?
- Accept the problem and move onto the couch?
- None of the above,
Confused of Haarlem
Sex God
Quote by Sassy-Seren
Now I have cut the toes of my new red boots how do I keep my feet warm
Solefull
red socks.........sexy ! :giggle:
sexy?
you, red socks or me?
Dear Auntie,
Recent encounters have led me to meet more mature women than I. Sex has been skillfully avoided, or at least I think it has until evidence suggested otherwise. I have had a few overnight stays, all in my own room and all impropriety kept in order, or so I think.
But it is now obvious that I am being 'nonced' in my sleep! Yes my latest 'platonic' partner shagged me whilst I slept! I know because I woke up with a condom attached to my nethers.
Whilst we sat down to some toast and a cup of PG, I could detect a youthful glow in my elder partner. She fairly sprung about the kitchen. She gave me a warm and loving farewell, and a cheeky smirk as I trudged off feeling slightly bemused about my visit.
So Auntie what can I do? These lovely ladies are highly respectable and it would upset them and their orderly world if I was to force an issue. Is there a new phenomenon of stolen sex? Can I claim insurance, sue Bournvita, or indeed put in for back dated pleasure? Is there somewhere I can go to get total recall?
Recent encounters have led me to meet more mature women than I. Sex has been skillfully avoided, or at least I think it has until evidence suggested otherwise. I have had a few overnight stays, all in my own room and all impropriety kept in order, or so I think.
But it is now obvious that I am being 'nonced' in my sleep! Yes my latest 'platonic' partner shagged me whilst I slept! I know because I woke up with a condom attached to my nethers.
Whilst we sat down to some toast and a cup of PG, I could detect a youthful glow in my elder partner. She fairly sprung about the kitchen. She gave me a warm and loving farewell, and a cheeky smirk as I trudged off feeling slightly bemused about my visit.
So Auntie what can I do? These lovely ladies are highly respectable and it would upset them and their orderly world if I was to force an issue. Is there a new phenomenon of stolen sex? Can I claim insurance, sue Bournvita, or indeed put in for back dated pleasure? Is there somewhere I can go to get total recall?
Sex God
Quote by PoloLady
Now I have cut the toes of my new red boots how do I keep my feet warm
Solefull
Stay in bed!
Sorry, I really must go.
Dear Auntie,
There are changes happening to me that lead me to suspect i may be experiencing the male change .
Let me explain my concerns
Women who,shall we say, 'catch my eye' are getting suggests therefore
that i may have gone from leacherous young to dirty old !
Is this a symptom or am i just a normal bloke?
:confused:
cc_7up
There are changes happening to me that lead me to suspect i may be experiencing the male change .
Let me explain my concerns
Women who,shall we say, 'catch my eye' are getting suggests therefore
that i may have gone from leacherous young to dirty old !
Is this a symptom or am i just a normal bloke?
:confused: cc_7up
Quote by cc_7up
Dear Auntie,
There are changes happening to me that lead me to suspect i may be experiencing the male change .
Let me explain my concerns
Women who,shall we say, 'catch my eye' are getting suggests therefore
that i may have gone from leacherous young to dirty old !
Is this a symptom or am i just a normal bloke?
cc_7up
Sounds like a symptom to me. Have you got the urge to rush out and buy a ridiculously fast motorbike? Even worse if you fancy the matching and equally ridiculous leather all-in-one suit too.
Has your usual whisky nightcap been replaced by Horlicks?
Did your 150 year old maiden aunt hand knit you a sweater for Xmas and you actually have clothes it'll go with?
Sounds like you got it bad hunni. It's ok for us women. You turn into dirty old men, we just become MILFs
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: Quote by Sassy-Seren
Dear Auntie,
There are changes happening to me that lead me to suspect i may be experiencing the male change .
Let me explain my concerns
Women who,shall we say, 'catch my eye' are getting suggests therefore
that i may have gone from leacherous young to dirty old !
Is this a symptom or am i just a normal bloke?
cc_7up
Sounds like a symptom to me. Have you got the urge to rush out and buy a ridiculously fast motorbike? Even worse if you fancy the matching and equally ridiculous leather all-in-one suit too.
Has your usual whisky nightcap been replaced by Horlicks?
Did your 150 year old maiden aunt hand knit you a sweater for Xmas and you actually have clothes it'll go with?
Sounds like you got it bad hunni. It's ok for us women. You turn into dirty old men, we just become MILFs
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:Thank god for that. At last i have a name i can put to my symptoms.I can't tell you what a relief it is to me to know that i am not alone and that there are many others who share this must be a support group that i can join somehow,somewhere.
In the meantime young lady d'you fancy a fuck? :grin:
cc_7up
Sex God
Quote by PoloLady
Now I have cut the toes of my new red boots how do I keep my feet warm
Solefull
Stay in bed!
sorry I'm getting up
Mr Drippy of London wrote:
Dear Mr Drippy
Please put aside any fears that you have been abused in your sleep.
It is quite common for Grandmothers to be influenced by old wives tails - it is more likely that whilst visiting your granny she was concerned about bed soiling from 'wet-dreams' and secured the condom in place to ensure there would be no crushty patches to tackle in the twin-tub.
The youthful spring in her step was nothing more than a feeling of glee at knowing she had acheived her prime objective and her flannelettes would live to cover her guest bed for another day.
I trust this makes you feel better
Auntie
Dear Auntie,
Recent encounters have led me to meet more mature women than I. Sex has been skillfully avoided, or at least I think it has until evidence suggested otherwise. I have had a few overnight stays, all in my own room and all impropriety kept in order, or so I think.
But it is now obvious that I am being 'nonced' in my sleep! Yes my latest 'platonic' partner shagged me whilst I slept! I know because I woke up with a condom attached to my nethers.
Whilst we sat down to some toast and a cup of PG, I could detect a youthful glow in my elder partner. She fairly sprung about the kitchen. She gave me a warm and loving farewell, and a cheeky smirk as I trudged off feeling slightly bemused about my visit.
So Auntie what can I do? These lovely ladies are highly respectable and it would upset them and their orderly world if I was to force an issue. Is there a new phenomenon of stolen sex? Can I claim insurance, sue Bournvita, or indeed put in for back dated pleasure? Is there somewhere I can go to get total recall?
Dear Mr Drippy
Please put aside any fears that you have been abused in your sleep.
It is quite common for Grandmothers to be influenced by old wives tails - it is more likely that whilst visiting your granny she was concerned about bed soiling from 'wet-dreams' and secured the condom in place to ensure there would be no crushty patches to tackle in the twin-tub.
The youthful spring in her step was nothing more than a feeling of glee at knowing she had acheived her prime objective and her flannelettes would live to cover her guest bed for another day.
I trust this makes you feel better
Auntie
Sex God
Dear Aunty.
I have just found out that I am officially a "Mouse Potatoe" :shock: what should I do?
shocked and dismayed from Wiltshire
xx
I have just found out that I am officially a "Mouse Potatoe" :shock: what should I do?
shocked and dismayed from Wiltshire
xx
Quote by cc_7up
Dear Auntie,
There are changes happening to me that lead me to suspect i may be experiencing the male change .
Let me explain my concerns
Women who,shall we say, 'catch my eye' are getting suggests therefore
that i may have gone from leacherous young to dirty old !
Is this a symptom or am i just a normal bloke?
cc_7up
Dear Mr CC
The most recent studies, carried out by 3 Tesco cleaners, suggests...
As men mature their tastes in women to ogle over changes. In the case of highly sex-driven males, all females become attractive. In the case of males where their sex-drive is just about to disappear and turn to an interest in growing carrots, watching Songs of Praise and joining a crown green bowling club, the attraction turns to younger women in a subconscious attempt to prepare the conscious for rejection - thus making long periods of sexless time more understandable.
Regards
Auntie
Ms Box wrote:
Dear Ms Box
The though of buying a barge is not mad at all - unless it includes using the barge to take young men away from the safety of their friends, ply them with drink, beat them to death with a kipper, chop their bodies into small chunks and feed them to a mass of vampire ducks in nearby rushes.
Regards
Auntie
Dear Polo lady
I have just sold my house yipee and I have bought a box with rooms ( or is that a new house lol) - now I am thinking of buying a barge as well - am I mad to have such thoughts ?
Dear Ms Box
The though of buying a barge is not mad at all - unless it includes using the barge to take young men away from the safety of their friends, ply them with drink, beat them to death with a kipper, chop their bodies into small chunks and feed them to a mass of vampire ducks in nearby rushes.
Regards
Auntie
Mr Shocked and Dismayed from Wiltshie wrote:
Dear Mr Shocked and Dismayed
What should you do indeed?
The answer would depend on whether you are a King Edward or a Maris Piper - afterall you don't want to be roasting a chipper.
Regards
Auntie
Dear Aunty.
I have just found out that I am officially a "Mouse Potatoe" :shock: what should I do?
shocked and dismayed from Wiltshire
xx
Dear Mr Shocked and Dismayed
What should you do indeed?
The answer would depend on whether you are a King Edward or a Maris Piper - afterall you don't want to be roasting a chipper.
Regards
Auntie
Sex God
Quote by PoloLady
Dear Auntie,
There are changes happening to me that lead me to suspect i may be experiencing the male change .
Let me explain my concerns
Women who,shall we say, 'catch my eye' are getting suggests therefore
that i may have gone from leacherous young to dirty old !
Is this a symptom or am i just a normal bloke?
cc_7up
Dear Mr CC
The most recent studies, carried out by 3 Tesco cleaners, suggests...
As men mature their tastes in women to ogle over changes. In the case of highly sex-driven males, all females become attractive. In the case of males where their sex-drive is just about to disappear and turn to an interest in growing carrots, watching Songs of Praise and joining a crown green bowling club, the attraction turns to younger women in a subconscious attempt to prepare the conscious for rejection - thus making long periods of sexless time more understandable.
Regards
Auntie
Jeez, that sounds almost plausible!! :shock: (Waiting fer the SLAP!) :scared:
Mr Clumsy wrote:
Dear Mr Clumsy
I am sorry to say that a change to attraction in older women at 'your age' is not a sign you are getting younger. It is either an indicator that your eyes are finally packing-up or the blue-rinse zimmer squad are the only women who can't out-run you. I would advise you check the pulse before, during and after sex to avoid accidental Necrophilia.
Regards
Auntie
Dear Aunty,
I read with interest your response to Mr CC's letter about fancying younger women.
I find myself (in the moments when the knicker elastic shaving rash allows) fancying older women. Does this mean I'm getting younger or should I start taking bromide in me tea?
Yours gratefully (fer anything)
Mr Clumsy (your greatest fan!)
Dear Mr Clumsy
I am sorry to say that a change to attraction in older women at 'your age' is not a sign you are getting younger. It is either an indicator that your eyes are finally packing-up or the blue-rinse zimmer squad are the only women who can't out-run you. I would advise you check the pulse before, during and after sex to avoid accidental Necrophilia.
Regards
Auntie
Sex God
Quote by PoloLady
Mr Shocked and Dismayed from Wiltshie wrote:
Dear Aunty.
I have just found out that I am officially a "Mouse Potatoe" :shock: what should I do?
shocked and dismayed from Wiltshire
xx
Dear Mr Shocked and Dismayed
What should you do indeed?
The answer would depend on whether you are a King Edward or a Maris Piper - afterall you don't want to be roasting a chipper.
Regards
Auntie
:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
boil me a kipper, I'll be home before breakfast
Dear Aunty,
I am having meetings with a Eastern European woman who has her eyes set on me as a future spouse. All well and good one may think, but there are some dark and disturbing stories coming to light.
She has a large book, containg handwritings and photos of extraordinarily frightening detail. Almost her whole family history has been recorded in this grisly volume. Her family has a terrible curse. Instant Puberty!
I discovered this all through an interpreter who knows several old eastern dialects. The incidents made the hairs on my neck stand up in terror. It has been recorded that almost all the children have erupted into maturity in a terrifying moment of growth.
Pedr walked into the woods one day as a boy, the wood fell deathly silent and a man appeared in torn clothing. Gretchen erupted and burst out of her clothes during a church service. The stories went on and on.
The woman I have been seeing has two young children, who could go through this nightmare experience at any moment.
What can I do?
I am having meetings with a Eastern European woman who has her eyes set on me as a future spouse. All well and good one may think, but there are some dark and disturbing stories coming to light.
She has a large book, containg handwritings and photos of extraordinarily frightening detail. Almost her whole family history has been recorded in this grisly volume. Her family has a terrible curse. Instant Puberty!
I discovered this all through an interpreter who knows several old eastern dialects. The incidents made the hairs on my neck stand up in terror. It has been recorded that almost all the children have erupted into maturity in a terrifying moment of growth.
Pedr walked into the woods one day as a boy, the wood fell deathly silent and a man appeared in torn clothing. Gretchen erupted and burst out of her clothes during a church service. The stories went on and on.
The woman I have been seeing has two young children, who could go through this nightmare experience at any moment.
What can I do?
Mr Can of London wrote:
Dear Mr Can
My advice is to wait until after the two kids have gone through 'the change' - just to be sure they do. My feelings are the book of tales may well be a devious plan to make you think you won't have to pay £1000's per year raising her two sprogs. Sit back and wait. If the tales are true, let them have their sudden sprout, send the freaks out to work and then make your move on the totty.
Regards
Auntie
Dear Aunty,
I am having meetings with a Eastern European woman who has her eyes set on me as a future spouse. All well and good one may think, but there are some dark and disturbing stories coming to light.
She has a large book, containg handwritings and photos of extraordinarily frightening detail. Almost her whole family history has been recorded in this grisly volume. Her family has a terrible curse. Instant Puberty!
I discovered this all through an interpreter who knows several old eastern dialects. The incidents made the hairs on my neck stand up in terror. It has been recorded that almost all the children have erupted into maturity in a terrifying moment of growth.
Pedr walked into the woods one day as a boy, the wood fell deathly silent and a man appeared in torn clothing. Gretchen erupted and burst out of her clothes during a church service. The stories went on and on.
The woman I have been seeing has two young children, who could go through this nightmare experience at any moment.
What can I do?
Dear Mr Can
My advice is to wait until after the two kids have gone through 'the change' - just to be sure they do. My feelings are the book of tales may well be a devious plan to make you think you won't have to pay £1000's per year raising her two sprogs. Sit back and wait. If the tales are true, let them have their sudden sprout, send the freaks out to work and then make your move on the totty.
Regards
Auntie
Mr Confuzzzzed wrote:
Dear Confuzzzzed
Have no fear - Auntie's here!
There may be an Uncle around for now - but you know what men are like... they start a job, make a half-arsed attempt, get bored and then try to ignore it for as long as possible!
My kind, caring and supportive advice will be here whenever you need it.
Regards
Auntie
I am very confused. There appears to be an Agony Uncle now. Are you not solving our problems anymore? Have you been promoted or changed jobs?
Yours Confuzzzzed
Dear Confuzzzzed
Have no fear - Auntie's here!
There may be an Uncle around for now - but you know what men are like... they start a job, make a half-arsed attempt, get bored and then try to ignore it for as long as possible!
My kind, caring and supportive advice will be here whenever you need it.
Regards
Auntie
