Ask Your Auntie

21 Feb 2006

Mr W of Warwick wrote:

Dear aunty
i need to stop taking the piss out of naughtynympho but just cant help myself. have you any advice for me?

Dear Mr W
Taking the piss out of naughtynympho is quite normal behaviour. I feel it may be unhealthy for you to attempt to stop such a natural activity. If anything, my advice would be to increase the amount of times per day you indulge.
Regards
Auntie

21 Feb 2006

Mr D of London wrote:

Dear Aunty,
I have a problem. I can fart backwards.
I don't blow, I inhale. Its getting to be very embarassing and painful.
Yesterday, in the bath, I absorbed a bar of soap.
Any advice?

Dear Mr D
Have you tried an anal plug?
The Butt-Master 5000 is the most advanced anal plug on the market, retailing through specialist suppliers at If you find yourself on a budget, you could always try an old shoe, some string and gaffa-tape.
There is always the option to learn to live with your abnormality and see the positive sides to being a freak.
For example:
You won't need a 'dirt-devil handy' for getting crumbs off of the sofa!
Finally, one last point. If your farts are going backwards - you may need to have a good supply of mouthwash and breath freshener handy.
Regards
Auntie

21 Feb 2006

dear auntie,
i a a lazy cow who just spends half my life sat reading crap on internet forums!
this in its self is not the problem, but my arse has now fused to the chair and i cant move!
please help!
yours
WBB

21 Feb 2006

Ms WBB wrote:

dear auntie,
i a a lazy cow who just spends half my life sat reading crap on internet forums!
this in its self is not the problem, but my arse has now fused to the chair and i cant move!
please help!
yours
WBB

Dear Ms WBB
Do an internet search for suppliers of 'living aids'. Order yourself a wheeled commode and you'll be fine fused to that for as long as you like - you will need someone to empty the bucket from time to time.
Regards
Auntie

21 Feb 2006

Dear Aunty,
I spoke to someone to day who had a theory about ghosts. She reckoned that occasionally men orgasm but don't ejaculate. This produces a ghost. Is this true?
I had a phantom orgasm a few years ago, and I am worried it will come back and haunt me.

21 Feb 2006

Mr D of London wrote:

Dear Aunty,
I spoke to someone to day who had a theory about ghosts. She reckoned that occasionally men orgasm but don't ejaculate. This produces a ghost. Is this true?
I had a phantom orgasm a few years ago, and I am worried it will come back and haunt me.

Dear MR D

I am sorry to laugh but there are so many rumours about the male phantom orgasm and so many are based on ghostly myths. Yes men can orgasm without ejaculating and it is known as a phantom orgasm. But you have no need to fear that your phantoms may be lurking in the cupboards in your home - they head straight to the opera!
Just stay clear of people who say â€œitâ€™s not over â€˜till the fat lady singsâ€ - unless Pat Butcher is on â€˜stars in their eyesâ€™
Auntie

21 Feb 2006

Quote by duncanlondon
Dear Aunty,
I spoke to someone to day who had a theory about ghosts. She reckoned that occasionally men orgasm but don't ejaculate. This produces a ghost. Is this true?
I had a phantom orgasm a few years ago, and I am worried it will come back and haunt me.

Jeez, - things going the wrong way up the right holes - things not appearing from the right pipes.
You need a plumber matey not an Auntie!
rotflmao

.

21 Feb 2006

Quote by westerross
Dear Aunty,
I spoke to someone to day who had a theory about ghosts. She reckoned that occasionally men orgasm but don't ejaculate. This produces a ghost. Is this true?
I had a phantom orgasm a few years ago, and I am worried it will come back and haunt me.

Jeez, - things going the wrong way up the right holes - things not appearing from the right pipes.
You need a plumber matey not an Auntie!
rotflmao

.
You obviously haven't heard of Aunties Plumbing Serivices rolleyes

21 Feb 2006

explain what is the difference between 'love' & 'Lust"

21 Feb 2006

Quote by PoloLady
Dear Auntie
Can you give me advice on what to do with 'piles'
Piles of :
washing
work
children
crap
broken toys ops:
Now I know you can get hemerroid cream for piles of piles but what can I get for the above????? I value the integrity of your answers and I will follow instructions to the enth degree so I am sitting here with hope, determination and a range of equipment for the answer!!!!!!!!!!!

Ignore these amateurs - their intentions are good but they sure give shite advice.
OK - there are a few possible actions you can take and after some thought I would recommendâ€¦. 6â€ spike heel thigh length pvc boots, a pvc bodice, a whip and a set of shackles. Then get yourself a team of sex-slave cum-slut subs.
Washing - get a sub to do it whilst you crack that whip!
Work - get a sub to do it or just give up work and get the sub to play you for cracking the whip.
Children - with the extra income from the paying subbies you can afford a live-in nanny.
Crap - get a sub to clean it up whilst you crack that whip!
Broken toys - tell the subs to buy new ones or you wonâ€™t be cracking the whip.
Auntie
hahahahahahahahahahahaha oh I am cracking up here
and I am on my knees thanking you profusely Aunite xxxx yes I will take this advice tho I know the amateurs were well intentioned the idea of getting a sub really intrigues me so I am going to sleep on this and make a decision in the morning as to what to do about that one. I think a post in lets meet up would be a good starting point cool

8-)

:lol:

21 Feb 2006

Quote by hisandhers
explain what is the difference between 'love' & 'Lust"

3 letters and one has a capital 'L' rolleyes

21 Feb 2006

Oh wot a great agony aunt u r kiss

21 Feb 2006

I'm not going near my user menu to PM as it's flashing at me and i'm afraid it will explode at any moment :uhoh: So i'll be brave and ask in public confused

Dear Auntie i'm afraid some members of a website I use only see me as an avatar and not a real person so when it comes to meeting people i'm afraid they won't like me because I havn't really got a 8 foot wooden erection all advice gratefully received. Mr Shed :?

21 Feb 2006

Quote by PoloLady
Dear Aunty,
I spoke to someone to day who had a theory about ghosts. She reckoned that occasionally men orgasm but don't ejaculate. This produces a ghost. Is this true?
I had a phantom orgasm a few years ago, and I am worried it will come back and haunt me.

Jeez, - things going the wrong way up the right holes - things not appearing from the right pipes.
You need a plumber matey not an Auntie!
rotflmao

.
You obviously haven't heard of Aunties Plumbing Serivices rolleyes

Now why do I find that bit of information really scary?? :shock: (Nervous) lol

21 Feb 2006

Mr Shed from the garden wrote:

Dear Auntie i'm afraid some members of a website I use only see me as an avatar and not a real person so when it comes to meeting people i'm afraid they won't like me because I havn't really got a 8 foot wooden erection all advice gratefully received. Mr Shed

Dear Mr Shed
Don't worry about meeting people from websites and wondering if they will accept you or not. The men will accept you for who you are and not the size of your erection - the likelyhood is they will actually be relieved that you are normal. As for the women - there are never any real women on these types of website. The avatars all really belong to a 18 year old boy called Claud from Germany.
Auntie

21 Feb 2006

Thanks Auntie for putting my mind at ease smile

22 Feb 2006

Quote by PoloLady
Dear Auntie
how do I tell a lady how much I like her kinky red boots.
solefull

Dear solefull
There are many ways to get your point across. However, if the boots in question have raised interest from other admirers - you need to make your feelings stand out.
I would suggest forwarding the lady a large sum of money stuffed into a jewel encrusted purse, along with your credit card (complete with active PIN number).
Now hurry along and follow my advice.
Auntie
Thank you Auntie,
but the shame of it is I can never remember my pin number. However I have enclosed jewels in a small purse and forwarded to the lady.
I knew you would be able to help as you to seem to have red boots.
Yours Solefull

22 Feb 2006

Quote by mik69
Thanks Auntie for putting my mind at ease

My pleasure - and you can call me Claud wink

24 Feb 2006

Mr Clumsy of Somewhere Cold wrote:

Dear Aunty,
Thank you for your advice about pissing on women. I think I've got the hang of it now and as you know I aim to please!
I have another unrelated problem. I get a shaving rash on certain delicate parts of my anatomy. (Just so you know , the bean bag is OK - it's the bits around the edges that seem to suffer). Friends have told me I should moisturise but I can't persuade anyone to help
Fortunately, I usually shave when I'm not feeling very clumsy, which is a good thing don't you think??
Your everloving
Mr Clumsy

Dear Mr Clumsy
Firstly, you really do need to make sure it is a shaving rash! If it is only appearing around the edges, you could be allergic to knicker elastic - stop wearing ladies knickers for a week or two and see if the problem persists.
Kind regards
Auntie

24 Feb 2006

Mr Clumsy of wales wrote:

Dear Auntie
Re: Your Advice to Stop Wearing Ladies Knicker Elastic
I'm sorry - but this advice is totally impracticable. I am a committed ladies knicker wearer and the stronger the elastic the better. This is not just a fetish - it is written into me contract!!
Would it help if I wore them on me head??
Mr Clumsy from why is Wales cold all of a sudden!!

Dear Mr Clumsy
Yes - wear them on your head. It will help keep you warm.
As for why Wales has suddenly turned cold - tune in to your local weather report, I am sure that will shed some light on the recent cold spell.
Regards
Auntie

28 Feb 2006

Quote by PoloLady
Dear Auntie
how do I tell a lady how much I like her kinky red boots.
solefull

Dear solefull
There are many ways to get your point across. However, if the boots in question have raised interest from other admirers - you need to make your feelings stand out.
I would suggest forwarding the lady a large sum of money stuffed into a jewel encrusted purse, along with your credit card (complete with active PIN number).
Now hurry along and follow my advice.
Auntie
I don't think that worked the way I intended. I now have a pair of boots, and they are two small.
Solefull

2 Mar 2006

Miss Horny from the North wrote:

I have a thing for short guys. my friends dont understand and some of the guys dont either there say it is odd to be out with a taller woman. am I strange???

Dear Miss Horny
Height is one of those things that matters to some people and doesn't matter to others. There is no relevant logic behind it. But I must advise - it is wrong to be interested in short guys with learning difficulties.....
it's not big and it's not clever!
Regards
Auntie

2 Mar 2006

Quote by
Dear Auntie
how do I tell a lady how much I like her kinky red boots.
solefull

Dear solefull
There are many ways to get your point across. However, if the boots in question have raised interest from other admirers - you need to make your feelings stand out.
I would suggest forwarding the lady a large sum of money stuffed into a jewel encrusted purse, along with your credit card (complete with active PIN number).
Now hurry along and follow my advice.
Auntie
I don't think that worked the way I intended. I now have a pair of boots, and they are two small.
Solefull
Dear Solefull
Toe amputation may be the solution!
Regards
Auntie

2 Mar 2006

Dear Auntie,
Is there such a crime as nasal ?
Today I had a haircut in a Turkish barbers. He was getting all close and chummy and giving me right funny looks.
Anyway whilst I was distracted, he shoved his trimmer right up my private and personal hairy areas.
I felt robbed, deceived and slightly colder when breathing in.
Shall I report this to the police?

2 Mar 2006

Quote by duncanlondon
Dear Auntie,
Is there such a crime as nasal ?
Today I had a haircut in a Turkish barbers. He was getting all close and chummy and giving me right funny looks.
Anyway whilst I was distracted, he shoved his trimmer right up my private and personal hairy areas.
I felt robbed, deceived and slightly colder when breathing in.
Shall I report this to the police?

You should've reported yer nasal hair to the police in the first place. Your Turkish barber didn't skim past yer ears as well did he? Next thing he'll be after your eyebrows!
Hairy orifices are an age thing but you should make sure the follicles are neatly folded and packed in nice and tight - only problem then is that a good sneeze'll give you an instant flowing moustache.
.

2 Mar 2006

Mr Can of dun from London wrote:

Dear Auntie,
Is there such a crime as nasal ?
Today I had a haircut in a Turkish barbers. He was getting all close and chummy and giving me right funny looks.
Anyway whilst I was distracted, he shoved his trimmer right up my private and personal hairy areas.
I felt robbed, deceived and slightly colder when breathing in.
Shall I report this to the police?

Dear Mr Can
Unnecessary and unwelcome physical contact is indeed assault in common law, however, there is no precedant for actual charges of nasal . Whilst I empathise with your current feelings, the closest piece of legislation I can source which may be relevant to your particular experience relates to residential garden trees and shrubs:
If a person fails to maintain their bush in an orderly manner a third party may remove (by trimming) the over hanging growth, so long as the growth in question has crossed the boundary of the third party property. The trimmings remain the property of the first party and must be return by the third party. Failure to do so may result in the first party taking civil action for damages.
Your rights in this matter appear to hang on whether this gentleman returned or offered to return your trimmings.
Regards
Auntie

2 Mar 2006

Slightly Concerned of the Basement wrote:

Dear Auntie
I wonder if you can help me? Last night on my way home from work I was approached from behind by a large white van. This was the last thing I remember before waking up in total darkness. After crawling about on the floor for some hours in water and surrounded by what sounds like rats I found in a corner a the PC on which I am typing logged into this website. Besides that its quite nice here.
Only once has anything eventful happened, a door above me opened and a shat of light appeared with a figure in it, a voice screamed "Mr Tweeky, shut that door". Being a freelance photographer I was able to snap a picture of the figure before the door closed.

Ive tried to mail other people but everyone thinks its a hoax :-x
Ohh whilst I am here seeing the nature of the site, a few questions?
1: Do woman realy gush?
2: What is the average cock size?
3: How do I get my wife to do anal?
Regards
Slightly concerned

Dear Slightly Concerned
I will do my best to address all of the questions you have raised.
Yes some women do gush.
The average cock size is 6.5 inch and you need to buy your wife a strap-on if you want to get her to do anal.
With regards to the strange figure who shat in the light - I would suggest a strong disinfectant, rubber gloves and a plasic bag, for cleaning away the offending shat.
Regards
Auntie

3 Mar 2006

Quote by PoloLady
Dear Auntie
how do I tell a lady how much I like her kinky red boots.
solefull

Dear solefull
There are many ways to get your point across. However, if the boots in question have raised interest from other admirers - you need to make your feelings stand out.
I would suggest forwarding the lady a large sum of money stuffed into a jewel encrusted purse, along with your credit card (complete with active PIN number).
Now hurry along and follow my advice.
Auntie
I don't think that worked the way I intended. I now have a pair of boots, and they are two small.
Solefull
Dear Solefull
Toe amputation may be the solution!
Regards
Auntie
Thank Auntie
I have now removed the toes of the boots.
Solefull

4 Mar 2006

Quote by PoloLady
Slightly Concerned of the Basement wrote:
Dear Auntie
I wonder if you can help me? Last night on my way home from work I was approached from behind by a large white van. This was the last thing I remember before waking up in total darkness. After crawling about on the floor for some hours in water and surrounded by what sounds like rats I found in a corner a the PC on which I am typing logged into this website. Besides that its quite nice here.
Only once has anything eventful happened, a door above me opened and a shat of light appeared with a figure in it, a voice screamed "Mr Tweeky, shut that door". Being a freelance photographer I was able to snap a picture of the figure before the door closed.

Ive tried to mail other people but everyone thinks its a hoax :-x
Ohh whilst I am here seeing the nature of the site, a few questions?
1: Do woman realy gush?
2: What is the average cock size?
3: How do I get my wife to do anal?
Regards
Slightly concerned

Dear Slightly Concerned
I will do my best to address all of the questions you have raised.
Yes some women do gush.
The average cock size is 6.5 inch and you need to buy your wife a strap-on if you want to get her to do anal.
With regards to the strange figure who shat in the light - I would suggest a strong disinfectant, rubber gloves and a plasic bag, for cleaning away the offending shat.
Regards
Auntie
Thanks for the advice smile

I have cleaned up the mess but it still stinks down here. Its not all bad in here, today I was joined by none other than ... Gary Glitter, he seems awful keen to get on the PC dunno

Slightly concerned

4 Mar 2006

Dear Auntie,
At the zoo yesterday I witnessed an S&M scene in the elephants enclosure. The dominant cow picked up a stick with ther trunk and laid into another submissive cow elephant. Gave her a thrashing to within an inch of her life, by the look of it. I reported it to one of the keepers. He told me to fuck off and grow up.
Anyway I got over the incident soon enough, when I passed the rear of the elephant house and saw a couple of keepers making studded harnesses, whips and other paraphernalia. So I suppose its what goes on.
Is there any risk of this being seen as cruelty to animals, or indeed humans?