A couple of days ago, Friday maybe, I fought a battle.
It started with a tiny little yearning, that grew to a desire and then to a craving. I needed a pickled gherkin, nothing else would do, I would have a gherkin or die trying.
The problem with this simple wish, for there is always a problem, was that the jar was new and therefore unopened. This always presents a dilemma for we can never know in advance if the jar we choose from the shop will be a mild compliant jar well versed in its duty and quick to surrender its contents on demand, or, whether it will be a wayward jar, reluctant to fulfil its intended function and difficult to subdue.
I removed the jar from the cupboard, I spoke softly to it so as not to give it cause for alarm, for I have noticed how things will tighten when roughly handled and did not wish to make an already potentially traumatic experience more so for want of a kind word or two. I took the jar to the table cradled it gently but firmly and twisted. I twisted some more, harder this time and harder again. I relaxed, paused for a moment and resumed a more enthusiastic twist; I confess I grunted at this point, but to no avail. Setting the jar on the table once more I considered my next move. Clearly this jar was not going to surrender the crisp juicy delicious objects of my desire without some further effort on my part, but what and how to do? My faithful canine companion chose this moment to make an unexpected appearance at the table edge; he lives in hope that I will make the mistake of leaving a succulent roast chicken within his grasp…..again. I pounced! The jar distracted by the sudden appearance of the hound would stand no chance against my renewed assault I reasoned, and bellowing the ancient war-cry of my ancestors, I twisted, grunted huffed and puffed for a full 60 seconds, nothing moved so much as micron.
Annoyed, I moved to plan B. Emptying the sink I ran the hot tap. The water, cold at first became warmer and warmer, then hotter and hotter until the sink was hidden in a cloud of steam. I turned off the tap, placed the jar in the sink and slowly turned the tap back on. I gave it a ten count and twisted, nothing. I tried again, and again, and again.
Plan C Boiling water from the kettle.
I poured and poured and poured, a whole kettle worth of boiling water, I squealed, I burnt my fingers, though this incidently, was not actually part of the plan. I waited, swore, did the dance of the scolded then screamed with rage and launched an assault of Kursk like intensity. Battle was joined. Man against jar, an epic struggle of survival from the dawn of time. We fought, tooth and nail, war to the knife. My mighty thews coiled like giant snakes beneath my well oiled skin. I screamed and cursed in many tongues yea even unto the C word…lots…… I felt my consciousness expand as the power of the universe flooded into me, filling me with the raw energy of creation; I became unstoppable, primal, ancient, an avatar of destruction fuelled by the fire of the gods themselves……….
The lid popped off…
Victory…..!!
I sobbed with exhaustion as the life force of the cosmos drained from my flesh and reached a tentative hand to my goal…
They tasted a bit stale to be honest.
I quite fancy a pickled egg now, but I’m not sure I can be arsed to go through all that again.
So, Pickled eggs..love em or hate em?
I love em….
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Battle
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Sex God
Why didnt you just ask fire to open it????
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Picked eggs hate em
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:Picked eggs hate em
Sex God
Quote by winchwench
Thank feck you're back, nutter.
Hate 'em.
Love pickled Gherkins though....but I'd have stabbed the lid with a knife to release the pressure.....voila.
You're sooooo macho :inlove:
Or he could of tried wedging the lid in the door until pressure was released (and pickled juice ran down the door and onto the floor creating a sticky vinigar resin)
Fire has big muscles
:lol: :lol: Quote by winchwench
Thank feck you're back, nutter.
Hate 'em.
Love pickled Gherkins though....but I'd have stabbed the lid with a knife to release the pressure.....voila.
You're sooooo macho :inlove:
Indeed I am :smug:
But stabbing the lid would render it permanently unfit for purpose you muppet, bloody typical Pirate
Sex God
Gerkins - fab,
eggs - yuk, phtewey, gag, not near me thank you,
onions - big, white and crunchy - fantastic,
Beetroot - rather have it hot with black pepper,
any more pickly things?
Oh yes, picililli (sp?) - gorgeous with a good slab of fatty ham. Or smooshed into a pork-pie.
eggs - yuk, phtewey, gag, not near me thank you,
onions - big, white and crunchy - fantastic,
Beetroot - rather have it hot with black pepper,
any more pickly things?
Oh yes, picililli (sp?) - gorgeous with a good slab of fatty ham. Or smooshed into a pork-pie.
Quote by TanKinky
Thank feck you're back, nutter.
Hate 'em.
Love pickled Gherkins though....but I'd have stabbed the lid with a knife to release the pressure.....voila.
You're sooooo macho :inlove:
Or he could of tried wedging the lid in the door until pressure was released (and pickled juice ran down the door and onto the floor creating a sticky vinigar resin)
Fire has big muscles
:lol: :lol:Philistine......
Fire's winging muscle is huge it has to be said
Quote by foxylady2209
Gerkins - fab,
eggs - yuk, phtewey, gag, not near me thank you,
onions - big, white and crunchy - fantastic,
Beetroot - rather have it hot with black pepper,
any more pickly things?
Oh yes, picililli (sp?) - gorgeous with a good slab of fatty ham. Or smooshed into a pork-pie.
Ah Foxy, you me and a big pork pie.......bliss
ops: :oops:Quote by flower411
MMMMMMM pickled eggs :lickface:
I made my own when living in France .... I tried to get some of my neighbours to try them but they all started gagging when I told them how long the eggs had been sitting in the vinegar !!
I told em they had a bloody nerve for people that eat snails
Sounds like a plan Flower, I'll get some eggs and Pickling vinegar in town tomorrow....
Snails...hummm I just cant get my head round Snails...
Quote by Stormwalker
MMMMMMM pickled eggs :lickface:
I made my own when living in France .... I tried to get some of my neighbours to try them but they all started gagging when I told them how long the eggs had been sitting in the vinegar !!
I told em they had a bloody nerve for people that eat snails
Sounds like a plan Flower, I'll get some eggs and Pickling vinegar in town tomorrow....
Snails...hummm I just cant get my head round Snails...
Only coz you're too much of a wimp to get the shell off. :roll:
Quote by winchwench
MMMMMMM pickled eggs :lickface:
I made my own when living in France .... I tried to get some of my neighbours to try them but they all started gagging when I told them how long the eggs had been sitting in the vinegar !!
I told em they had a bloody nerve for people that eat snails
Sounds like a plan Flower, I'll get some eggs and Pickling vinegar in town tomorrow....
Snails...hummm I just cant get my head round Snails...
Only coz you're too much of a wimp to get the shell off. :roll:
Could you not crush them for me twixt your ample cleavage
...like you did with me nuts.....
Brazil
Sexpert
Gherkins ugh...... no way....
But pickled eggs mmmm.....yummy!
But pickled eggs mmmm.....yummy!
Quote by Stormwalker
Now I've had an idea....
you get love eggs right......
inserting in orifie for the use of...right
well, how about real pickled love eggs!!!!!!
a handy sex toy....And a nourishing snack to keep your blood sugar up.....
bloody genius :bounce: why I'm not a millionaire I just don't know
can we answer that question ?
Quote by Whipsnspurs
Now I've had an idea....
you get love eggs right......
inserting in orifie for the use of...right
well, how about real pickled love eggs!!!!!!
a handy sex toy....And a nourishing snack to keep your blood sugar up.....
bloody genius :bounce: why I'm not a millionaire I just don't know
you're not putting vinegar anywhere near my lady thanks very much all the same lol
whips
How about if I suck it first?
Quote by splendid_
Now I've had an idea....
you get love eggs right......
inserting in orifie for the use of...right
well, how about real pickled love eggs!!!!!!
a handy sex toy....And a nourishing snack to keep your blood sugar up.....
bloody genius :bounce: why I'm not a millionaire I just don't know
can we answer that question ?
without falling over?
