I have been having an interesting chat with a few friends this weekend where the topic got round to individuals perceptions about themselves and others. During the conversation a lady was being honest by saying that as she was bi, she would not play with another woman if that woman was more attractive than she was, even if the situation involved 1-1 play or with a couple. As the conversation progressed, a guy also admitted that he would prefer to play with a couple where his perception was that he was either better endowed, fitter etc than the other guy. It came down to confidence in the end. One chap mentioned that he struggled with beautiful women purely because his perception of himself was that he was not handsome, so gained confidence when playing with a more unattractive lady. The more we spoke, the individuals perception of themselves changed with one person now believing they were shallow having these thoughts, although what they wanted and what they looked for would not change. To me, life is about perceptions, either of yourself or others. We have seen threads about what is beauty etc and at the end of the day we are all individuals with individual tastes. I asked if they would mind if I put this up for discussion on here. Obviously they didn’t as otherwise I would not be posting this. :doh: So, if we are completely honest with ourselves here, would you play with people where you perceive yourself as “the unattractive one” ?
Quote by Manolishi So, if we are completely honest with ourselves here, would you play with people where you perceive yourself as “the unattractive one” ?
Its always going to be the case for me at least as my perception of myself is that I am not attractive :cry:
Quote by Manolishi So, if we are completely honest with ourselves here, would you play with people where you perceive yourself as “the unattractive one” ?
I don't see myself as attractive anyway so I suppose that's always the case.
To be perfectly blunt Mano, I always perceive myself to be the 'weak link' looks wise when playing with others, but that is 100% cool with me. That's because I only play with people who I think are gorgeous in my eyes - whether that's aesthetically or personality wise (usually both), and of course I don't perceive myself as gorgeous! I couldn't imagine playing with somebody I felt was less attractive than me.
I am totally new to the scene and this is the same discussion i have been having with my partner who is more experienced. He is looking at profiles and showing me pictures etc waiting for me to say "yeah ok, send them a message..." I am feeling insecure when i look and think about the other person or couple being fitter or more attractive than me, but I also think that is because I am lacking self confidence having no swinging experience. Any tips for a newbie on how to get rid of or ease the nerves and anxiety when thinking of or looking for the first time?
Looks like this will be a tasty thread I cant answer it from a swinging perspective so hope you dont mind my little bit.. I dont consider myself attractive at all. I reckon you need confidence to *feel* attactive and I just dont have that... So would I consider a guy who I think is unattractive than I, I have no idea..... the sum of the parts dont always equal the whole. xanaisx
Most people are self critical. It is a (lack of) confidence thing and I'm the same. I just screw me eyes up, grit me teeth and hope they don't notice!! .
So, if we are completely honest with ourselves here, would you play with people where you perceive yourself as “the unattractive one” ?
I don't see myself as attractive anyway so I suppose that's always the case. Same here, I've been told I am, but don't see it myself, but then again, who does? That brings on more questions doesn't it? Does it make you vain to say "well actually I'm gorgeous"... I would run a mile from someone saying that! :shock:
Quote by Sweet_pea I am feeling insecure when i look and think about the other person or couple being fitter or more attractive than me, but I also think that is because I am lacking self confidence having no swinging experience.
I don't think you are alone with those thoughts. As for tips, the trouble with tips is that they may not necessarily fit comfortably with you and the possibility exists that you change your persona to fit in with the tip.
I am feeling insecure when i look and think about the other person or couple being fitter or more attractive than me, but I also think that is because I am lacking self confidence having no swinging experience.
I don't think you are alone with those thoughts. As for tips, the trouble with tips is that they may not necessarily fit comfortably with you and the possibility exists that you change your persona to fit in with the tip. Yeah i see that possibility. My worry with my confidence is that ok start off with someone who I think is less attractive than me but is that then a turn on for my partner? Lots of browsing and not much progress. Tell you what at this rate I may never actually take plunge (so to speak!)
So, if we are completely honest with ourselves here, would you play with people where you perceive yourself as “the unattractive one” ?
I don't see myself as attractive anyway so I suppose that's always the case. Same here, I've been told I am, but don't see it myself, but then again, who does? That brings on more questions doesn't it? Does it make you vain to say "well actually I'm gorgeous"... I would run a mile from someone saying that! :shock: Us too As a woman i dont see beauty as in how someone looks - ok, i admit that it can sometimes help with the initial attraction, but its not the only thing. I think people who are large, small, not so beautiful in the face etc ..., can be the most wonderful, attractive and sexy people, yet someone who i would consider drop dead gorgeous and perfect looking - may actually be an ugly person. I can't honestly say if i would play with someone less attractive because there has to be a connection and that to me is the person in general and if you click, thats not always down to how they look
So, if we are completely honest with ourselves here, would you play with people where you perceive yourself as “the unattractive one” ?
I don't see myself as attractive anyway so I suppose that's always the case. Same here, I've been told I am, but don't see it myself, but then again, who does? That brings on more questions doesn't it? Does it make you vain to say "well actually I'm gorgeous"... I would run a mile from someone saying that! :shock: Us too As a woman i dont see beauty as in how someone looks - ok, i admit that it can sometimes help with the initial attraction, but its not the only thing. I think people who are large, small, not so beautiful in the face etc ..., can be the most wonderful, attractive and sexy people, yet someone who i would consider drop dead gorgeous and perfect looking - may actually be an ugly person. I can't honestly say if i would play with someone less attractive because there has to be a connection and that to me is the person in general and if you click, thats not always down to how they look And how right you are, playing is about connecting isn't it? When we meet people we have a good convo's and a few giggles before we do anything else, and you are also right the better the personality the more "attractive" they are.
Well I can remember as a teenager standing in front of the mirror in night clubs absolutely drunk and saying "God you're gorgeous". Well at that age and with that ammount of drink in me and being young I was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now that everything has gone down south I just sometimes cant gain the confidence to look at myself in the mirror when I am starkers never mind letting others see the view lol. Of course its perception and I think many of us are shy about our bodies. Attractiveness covers all of the senses and they change with age, understanding and knowledge of the people you are with. I've had people say they would not swing in front of me as they would be too embarrassed to do that :shock: . I think thats because of the my behaviour, not theirs but thats a difficult one as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do think today however I am more comfortable with my body than I was few years ago when I just wanted to chop all of my bits off I didnt like. Oh and all of the folks who have said they are not attractive in this thread I am flabbergastered as I really think you are attractive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quote by firelizard Yes I would and have done as I would trust the other person is playing with me because there is something in me that works for them. Love Fire xx
i have to agree with you there fire, for example, i have played with women who were very slim and therefore conventionally more attractive than me - however, we got on well, i felt genuine sexual attraction between us and it all went swimmingly :twisted: on the other hand i have in some situations sensed (at meeting or just whilst chatting) that im being chosen in order to make the other women feel sexy i.e. "oh we'll have that fat one so i dont feel so bad about myself" - and i steer well clear
I'm not gorgeous or stunning - though I do sometimesa say that I am, in jest. I'm very ordinary and average but to some* I may be very attractive and irrestistable. I don't have a problem saying that out loud. I'm not vain but I'm not insecure either. I do tend to go for people who are better looking than me because I can. It's worth a try, I reckon. I'm not being conceited but I don't think there is anyone who is out of my league, as such. Not 'cos I'm gorgeous but 'cos I have other qualities that make me a whole person. That also applies to others. just because I go for beautiful people does not mean I disregard their personalities in favour of their looks - they still have to have the full package. * no, I don't know who they are, either!
I feel better about myself than I did a couple of years ago. I have a way to go, but the journey to being confident has finally been started. A small step maybe, but it was a dificult one. But there again I do overthink things all the time (or so I'm told :shock: )
Quote by Dlep I feel better about myself than I did a couple of years ago. I have a way to go, but the journey to being confident has finally been started. A small step maybe, but it was a dificult one. But there again I do overthink things all the time (or so I'm told :shock: )
What step did you take? Just curious as some days i have confidence in myself, others i don't want get out of bed!
Quote by Sweet_pea I feel better about myself than I did a couple of years ago. I have a way to go, but the journey to being confident has finally been started. A small step maybe, but it was a dificult one. But there again I do overthink things all the time (or so I'm told :shock: )
What step did you take? Just curious as some days i have confidence in myself, others i don't want get out of bed! It was a mental one really. Although I enjoyed the social side of Munches etc, I was so used to it that the "real" reason for them was lost. It got to the point that I didn't dare be more "forward" and say to people that I liked them ( I was far to nervous of rejection, and that I had misunderstood any flirting that may have taken place.) However, I was given a kick up the arse by a fair few members of the community and was told to "stop being so negative" and "do something". As I said - it's only a small step, but one that I don't regret taking. And it is leading to more and more steps.
(If that doesn't make any sense, then I apologise in advance, but Dlep ltd does not take any responsibility for any brain aches resulting from reading this post....:shock: :giggle: )
on the other hand i have in some situations sensed (at meeting or just whilst chatting) that im being chosen in order to make the other women feel sexy i.e. "oh we'll have that fat one so i dont feel so bad about myself" - and i steer well clear
to be honest Kitten, I think there is a lot more of that that goes on than we care to admit, either to others or ourselves. There have been many comments about people clicking before they play. For me this is a must, it can only be that way. However, people click for a variety of reasons, one possibly being that they are meeting a particular criteria, maybe a criteria mentioned by Kitten ....
I think it's a mind-set that almost everyone has. We all have what we percieve to be 'faults' though it seems that other people don't see them as we do and most certainly don't get put off by them. I'd be incredibly turned on by a gorgeous woman/guy but if they had an arrogance about them because of their looks I wouldn't even consider playing with them. I've read the previous posts and most replies say the same. We're all self critical. I know my faults. I know I'm not beautiful, slim etc etc but I know from how I see others, that your personality and confidence is far sexier than stunning looks and perfect bone structure.
Confidence does play a big part in who i go for. When i see someone who i think is really gorgeous, normally i just think to myself "oh they wont want me, id be too ugly for them". But then again saying that i would hope that like me, when i meet someone im more likely to be attracted to their personality than theyre looks. Thats why i think a social gathering of some kind is a great way to meet people that you may never have considered meeting before. Louise xx
Personally i would play with people i though better looking than me, at the end of the day i don't have to play with myself its upto them to decide if they think i'm attractive or not and if i like them and they like me who cares whos the 'ugly' one? funny thing is you could be looking at some women thinking "i can't play with her she far more pretty than me" and she could be looking back at you thinking the same thing
i admit to not approaching someone who i think is out of my league, that i would be too fat, short etc for them to play with me, and its wrong, like NN says its up to them if they find you attractive or not, but i guess its a fear of rejection, called the marilyn syndrome elsewhere on a similar type of thread. i tend to wait for people to approach me, but they may be thinking the same thing shit am never gonna get a shag am i :cry: Earthy xx
What a great thread Ihave always thought myself a right old minger untill people tell me i'm not i still don't belive them but i get my head round my problemok I used to think people was out of my league but thats a stupid word come to think of it . And now i take people for who they are and not what they look like becouse i know i have been wrong about people by looks alone in the past However there still does have to be something there might not be looks but a glint in the eye who knows Debz xxxx
I tend to be attracted to people who are about as attractive as i am i suppose (not that i think i am btw). To me, sexiness comes from wayy within, a glint in the eye, a lovely smile, a good sense of humour and someone who is making it pretty obvious they are interested in me. It doesnt bother me how big they are, how old they are, how well dressed they are, its all about the mindset, i find that soo horny. I would be attracted to an absolutely gorgeous person as long as they arent arrogant with it. Thats a horrible trait to have. Hope that makes sense, i know what im trying to say... Suze xx
This quite an interesting area of research. Studies have been carried that show people do indeed tend to seek out relationships with people of equal attractivness. Friday
i met a guy last yr who i fancied in every way. He fancied me too but wouldnt make a move. As weeks went by, i went from being coy to begging him to make a move and a month ago he confessed he had no confidence and felt i was out of his league. I dont think im attractive at all, im shy, fat old and wrinkled, but i try to ignore how i feel and bluff like everyone else does
I'm yet another one here who doesn't regard himself as "attractive". However I'm sufficiently baffled these days by people's criteria of what constitutes attractiveness that I tend to ignore things like that, and just go ahead.
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