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brilliant advice
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Avoid the hassle and expense of arranging a family reunion, simply win the National Lottery and watch all the free-loading fuckers crawl out of the woodwork wanting a piece of the action.
Weight watchers, avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's @rse filter first, and then replacing it in the box at random.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
Dyslexics, try deliberately spelling words wrongly. That way at least you stand a chance of getting it right.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer simply by applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself when clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them.
Housewives, when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of the car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Alcoholics, save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on a wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a trip to the beach by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to the public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath up with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach and then urinating in it before jumping in.
Girls, too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip in a handful of frozen peas before putting it on.
X-files fans, create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate - Mr W190 MBO
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly or set fire to someone else's house.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic - P. Johnson, Warwick
When crossing a one-way street, always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road - P. Johnson, Warwick General Hospital
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your thighs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal clothes hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers, avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator - Sister W, Carlisle.
Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Sweetcorn fans, save money on toilet paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
Manchester United fans, save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.
Manchester United fans, avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm as well.
Avoid arguments with the missus about leaving the toilet seat up by simply pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas, develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers, save money on matches and lighters by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of the last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any different.
Invited by vegetarians to dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, they should know about yours and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Drivers, pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.
HGV drivers, when climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT f**king one.
Just a few to be getting along with
Weight watchers, avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's @rse filter first, and then replacing it in the box at random.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
Dyslexics, try deliberately spelling words wrongly. That way at least you stand a chance of getting it right.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer simply by applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself when clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them.
Housewives, when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of the car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Alcoholics, save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on a wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a trip to the beach by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to the public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath up with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach and then urinating in it before jumping in.
Girls, too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip in a handful of frozen peas before putting it on.
X-files fans, create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate - Mr W190 MBO
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly or set fire to someone else's house.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic - P. Johnson, Warwick
When crossing a one-way street, always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road - P. Johnson, Warwick General Hospital
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your thighs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal clothes hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers, avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator - Sister W, Carlisle.
Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Sweetcorn fans, save money on toilet paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
Manchester United fans, save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.
Manchester United fans, avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm as well.
Avoid arguments with the missus about leaving the toilet seat up by simply pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas, develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers, save money on matches and lighters by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of the last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any different.
Invited by vegetarians to dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, they should know about yours and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Drivers, pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.
HGV drivers, when climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT f**king one.
Just a few to be getting along with
Hints & Tips for Viagra Users:
1). Having taken the tablet 1/2 hour before anticipated sexual intercourse - as prescribed, ensure the lady is actually going to turn up!
2). When consulting your doctor regarding the use of Viagra, take the opportunity to discuss replacement elbow joints too.
3). Swallow Viagra melts quickly - or suffer a stiff neck for 4 hours!
4). Don't be tempted by mis-information regarding female use of Viagra - unless you have the stamina of a marathon runner and a dick that doesn't fall off after 6 hours of continual use.
5). Viagra only helps those who already have erectile problems - use of Viagra by men who simply wish to last a bit longer will result in a permanent need for Viagra as you will be disappointed with the results and therefore suffer anxiety attacks and loss of erection in subsequent dalliances. (This is referred to in medical journals as the Chicken/Egg Syndrome)
6). If your doctor says you don't need Viagra and that's it's all in the mind - he's fucking lying and is probably one of those lefty-I'm-right-coz-I-believe-in-the-system type asswipes.
7). Viagra does NOT help circumcised men grow another foreskin. (Hence why most Jewish men become Research Technicians)
8). Women - purchasing a 200 pack of special offer viagra tablets from online US websites and presenting them to your partner as a sexy spice-up-your-sex-life gift will more than likely result in a verbal slanging match about his sexual performance over the last 20 years - either that or you won't see the fecker for 6 months!
9). Overdosing on Viagra - coz you think you can handle it - only results in having erections in the most innapropriate of places and at the most innapropriate times - ie. standing in a tighly packed bus queue directly behind a 85 year old granny armed with a 1950's umbrella!
10). If you want to feel bigger - find a tighter fitting woman and don't do drugs! (The research on that alone must be interesting to say the least).
Wishmaster
1). Having taken the tablet 1/2 hour before anticipated sexual intercourse - as prescribed, ensure the lady is actually going to turn up!
2). When consulting your doctor regarding the use of Viagra, take the opportunity to discuss replacement elbow joints too.
3). Swallow Viagra melts quickly - or suffer a stiff neck for 4 hours!
4). Don't be tempted by mis-information regarding female use of Viagra - unless you have the stamina of a marathon runner and a dick that doesn't fall off after 6 hours of continual use.
5). Viagra only helps those who already have erectile problems - use of Viagra by men who simply wish to last a bit longer will result in a permanent need for Viagra as you will be disappointed with the results and therefore suffer anxiety attacks and loss of erection in subsequent dalliances. (This is referred to in medical journals as the Chicken/Egg Syndrome)
6). If your doctor says you don't need Viagra and that's it's all in the mind - he's fucking lying and is probably one of those lefty-I'm-right-coz-I-believe-in-the-system type asswipes.
7). Viagra does NOT help circumcised men grow another foreskin. (Hence why most Jewish men become Research Technicians)
8). Women - purchasing a 200 pack of special offer viagra tablets from online US websites and presenting them to your partner as a sexy spice-up-your-sex-life gift will more than likely result in a verbal slanging match about his sexual performance over the last 20 years - either that or you won't see the fecker for 6 months!
9). Overdosing on Viagra - coz you think you can handle it - only results in having erections in the most innapropriate of places and at the most innapropriate times - ie. standing in a tighly packed bus queue directly behind a 85 year old granny armed with a 1950's umbrella!
10). If you want to feel bigger - find a tighter fitting woman and don't do drugs! (The research on that alone must be interesting to say the least).
Wishmaster
Sex God
Building a house?
Don't waste money on an expensive roof - stick a tile on your head.
Don't waste money on an expensive roof - stick a tile on your head.
Sex God
TOP TIP avoid bread going stail and hard by keeping it in a bucket of water.. do i win ten pounds?
Quote by MISSCHIEF
Never try to catch your breath while giving a BJ underwater :shock:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Oh dear - you lot are starting to make me feel better already!!!
Missy - I shall keep that picture in my mind for everytime I need a bit of a perk up!!
Sex God
Quote by Ice Pie
Building a house?
Don't waste money on an expensive roof - stick a tile on your head.
ANd at the other end....
Don't pay out for expensive carpets for your house. Just go to the carpet shop, get two of their sample tiles and then tie them to your feet when you get home. :thumbup:
Quote by Rainbows
Never try to catch your breath while giving a BJ underwater :shock:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Oh dear - you lot are starting to make me feel better already!!!
Missy - I shall keep that picture in my mind for everytime I need a bit of a perk up!!
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Rainbows, and another thing -
I got absolutely no sympathy whatsoever
He was too busy being thrilled that he made a girl choke during a BJ :roll: Sex God
Quote by MISSCHIEF
[He was too busy being thrilled that he made a girl choke during a BJ
:smug:
Sex God
Quote by musketeer
If you happen to be early at a German airport and decide to pass the time having a wank in the bogs always remember to bolt the door
And if you ever need to use the toilet at an airport, no matter how desperate you are, it is ALWAYS worth checking to see if the cubicle is occupied first before you burst in. :shock:
ops: 
:lol: :lol: 
Sex God
Quote by Dawn_Mids
Never let Dawn_Mids near WBB's nipples
Dawn :silly:
surely nipple, singular. believe she lost one at a recent social function!
my top tip . . . .
never, ever, on a second date with someone you're desperately trying to impress, be discovered urinating on her ironing board at 2:30 a.m. by her flat mate! :oops:
:rotflmao:
neil x x x ;)
Sex God
Quote by neilinleeds
my top tip . . . .
never, ever, on a second date with someone you're desperately trying to impress, be discovered urinating on her ironing board at 2:30 a.m. by her flat mate!
neil x x x ;)
Surely NOBODY would do anything that stupid... :shock: :shock: :shock: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Sex God
Quote by easy
my top tip . . . .
never, ever, on a second date with someone you're desperately trying to impress, be discovered urinating on her ironing board at 2:30 a.m. by her flat mate!
neil x x x ;)
Surely NOBODY would do anything that stupid... :shock: :shock: :shock: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
naw course not! no i'm sure noone would ever be that dumb eh? i mean you couldn't make it up could you?
n x x x ;)
Sex God
never try to hide behind a glass door! ops:
ops: 
Sex God
Quote by well_busty_babe
never try to hide behind a glass door!
busty please tell me you never..........
Sex God
Quote by davej
never try to hide behind a glass door!
busty please tell me you never..........
ok... i never!
forgive me god for my lies!
Sex God
Quote by Dawn_Mids
never try to hide behind a glass door!
busty please tell me you never..........
ok... i never!
forgive me god for my lies!
Oh my God :!: I had forgotten about that. I almost pissed my pants while you were doing it.
WBB you are a grade A nutter
Dawn :silly:
thanks for the suuport!
:lol: :lol: :lol: Quote by Dave__Notts
Never lift a manhole cover with your mobile in your shirt pocket..........
Dave_Notts
have you already met some of the blokes who work in my company....7 company mobiles lost in 2 months, and to date 22 pagers,
oh, never lift a manhole cover with the mobile in your trouser pocket either, they both end up wanting to be in the same place at the same time :shock: :doh: (did this once many years ago when on the tools), off work for 3 days in agony
