Dont know if you have checked but you are number 4 in the charts of all time posters (Although you will always be my number 1!)
...and the avatars get ever better!!
XXX
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Campaign to free Agricola!!!
Quote by tall_dark_n_havesome
Alex
Dont know if you have checked but you are number 4 in the charts of all time posters (Although you will always be my number 1!)
...and the avatars get ever better!!
XXX
Hiya TDnH - long time no see!
Yes - I know I talk a lot - I really must get out more!!!!!!!!!
Have you seen what a mess our dear Agricola has got himself into???? (you'll need to read back in this post). We need ideas either to represent him in court - or spring him from Jail.
Hugs, Alex x
Sex God
hhhhhhmmmmmm!!!!!
i'm quite concerned that several SH members are on the verge of incriminating themselves in a plot to storm one of Her Majesty's Prisons. take it from me, you don't wanna be doing that one! but i have a cunning plan . . .
they have tellies in jail these days so i'm told. maybe, if we sent him a portable DVD player thingumbob, and a copy of Escape From Alcatraz, he might get the gist of aforesaid cunning plan. obviously, he needs to make a papier mache head, so we send him The Times and The Guardian and The Independent and stuff ((( well read is Mr Agricola obviously )))
we then bribe some lackey to get him a job in the kitchens. after several weeks of smuggling out flour in his socks, he should be able to mix up a decent paste to make his papier mache head.
we then bribe some other lackey to get him a job with the prison barber, so he can gather enough hair to make a convincing wig and stuff for his head. the papier mache one not his proper head obviously.
in the meantime, Mr Agricola has been busy digging holes through 6 feet thick concrete walls with a plastic teaspoon, and by now has a tunnel leading to the exercise yard.
now, heres the clever bit. Mr DaveJ Sir arranges for a helicopter to overfly the prison, at the exact moment Agricola tumbles out of his tunnel, helicopter drops a rope ladder, Agricola climbs up it. helicopter flies off to sunnier climes, jobs a good 'un?
what yer reckon? good plan eh?
neil x x x ;)
i'm quite concerned that several SH members are on the verge of incriminating themselves in a plot to storm one of Her Majesty's Prisons. take it from me, you don't wanna be doing that one! but i have a cunning plan . . .
they have tellies in jail these days so i'm told. maybe, if we sent him a portable DVD player thingumbob, and a copy of Escape From Alcatraz, he might get the gist of aforesaid cunning plan. obviously, he needs to make a papier mache head, so we send him The Times and The Guardian and The Independent and stuff ((( well read is Mr Agricola obviously )))
we then bribe some lackey to get him a job in the kitchens. after several weeks of smuggling out flour in his socks, he should be able to mix up a decent paste to make his papier mache head.
we then bribe some other lackey to get him a job with the prison barber, so he can gather enough hair to make a convincing wig and stuff for his head. the papier mache one not his proper head obviously.
in the meantime, Mr Agricola has been busy digging holes through 6 feet thick concrete walls with a plastic teaspoon, and by now has a tunnel leading to the exercise yard.
now, heres the clever bit. Mr DaveJ Sir arranges for a helicopter to overfly the prison, at the exact moment Agricola tumbles out of his tunnel, helicopter drops a rope ladder, Agricola climbs up it. helicopter flies off to sunnier climes, jobs a good 'un?
what yer reckon? good plan eh?
neil x x x ;)
Sex God
Quote by RSAB2
Neil I like it but we need to find a copter and a pilot and a winchman/woman....
Anyone know anyone who fits the above?
Mrs RSAB2 xxx :angel:
well trust you to bleedin' complicate things eh? how do i feckin' know where we'd get a chopper and a winchperson? i'm the brains behind it! you want me to fly the bugger too?
<<< humph! >>>
neil x x x :P
Quote by Jags
How about a group of us women around the front of the prison to cause a bit of a commotion to give Neil a chance to not be noticed flying in:
Fancy a snog then Corrie????That should cause enough of a distraction!!
hahahahahahahaha just choked on that one Jags NO NO NO I dont do snogs hahahaha but I can do everything else :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Quote by corriefem
How about a group of us women around the front of the prison to cause a bit of a commotion to give Neil a chance to not be noticed flying in
Fancy a snog then Corrie????That should cause enough of a distraction!!
hahahahahahahaha just choked on that one Jags NO NO NO I dont do snogs hahahaha but I can do everything else :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:That should work then!!!
D Wing
HMP Shrewsbury
23/10/04
Hello Alex,
Just thought I'd let you know how I was getting on in 'The House of Many Windows'.
Well, it's not too bad really, although I'll never forget the noise of that big door when it banged shut behind me. The chaps in here say everyone says that.
I'm 'two'ed up' with a chap from London called Mullins-'Mauler' to his mates, and I think I'm now one of those. He says I am 'mad as a tart's knicker- elastic', whatever that means. I had a bit of trouble to start with a chap called 'Digger' Davies , who got mad when I took what he thought was too long in the shower. He started yelling and screaming about 'new meat' and how I would be his personal bitch. Rude chap. Well, I didn't take kindly to that Alex!! I shouted one of the Screws to complain, but, they all seemed to have disappeared-although I'm sure I could hear them laughing somewhere. Anyway, this chap continued screaming and then ran at me. I think he wanted to get nasty Alex. He reminded me of one of the big rams at home so I treated him accordingly: did the old farmer's sidestep, grabbed his throat as he sped past, grabbed hold of his 'nether -regions' with the other hand and squoze 'em together, Down he went, like a sack of corn. I tipped him on his arse, like I would a ram,and dug my knee in his belly and my thumb in his mouth , to keep him quiet. You know, all the other chaps appeared quite impressed, obviously never sheared any big sheep!! So, I became quite popular all of a sudden.
The screws gave me funny looks after that.
I 'm waiting to be what they call 'classified' before I go to my proper prison. I saw the Chaplain today-he was nice. I told him about SH. he seemed a bit embarrassed and went quite red. He seemed to cough and splutter an AWFUL lot when I mentioned Debbiewebs. Do you think he might be related or something? I said, 'You ought to go to a Munch padre!' He just went all red and said something about keeping my mouth shut!! Another rude man-seems to be full of them.
Stroke of luck:had my interview with the Governor today. He saw my surname and asked me if I was related to Arthur Tificer? I said that he was my late Uncle. He started shaking my hand and saying how Uncle Arthur had been a regular there whenever he had big debts: apparently Uncle thought a couple of weeks inside was a fair swap for money owed. Typical of him-tight as a wet knot that one. Anyway, he immediately put me down for work on local farms. (He also asked if 'Sweaty Betty ' was still doing her trick with the baby pig, and if Uncle's friends Mrs Fc and , well, you Alex
were likely to be visiting. How does he know you two??? I noticed a sign on his desk saying' Black Dalek's are misunderstood'. That rang a bell somehow.....)
I've been telling all the chaps on the landing about the Site: they love me to tell my stories. They've all been thinking up avatars and 'names' so they can join when they get out. funnily enough, they all see to be called 'Big Job' or ' Krimmin Al'-they really do seem to be preoccupied with this crime thing. I asked Mauler what he did for a job -he hasn't stopped laughing yet. But, he says he can sort me out with a 'big one' when I get out......what is he on about?? I said, do you mean a new ram? He started another laughing fit. Why is it I always seem to meet such jolly people??
Oh, yeah, bit of a kerfuffle last night: apparently, a group of gorgeous ladies gathered outside the main gate last night, with, Mauler says, less cloth covering them than a midget's y-fronts. All the screws went to look. I was playing table -tennis with 'Fuzzy' Felkingham, the chap who blew up the VAT office. I must be missing you all -I half imagined I heard your voice Alex, and Corrie, and-my legal inspiration, Mr NeilinLeeds. Anyway, my thoughts were disturbed when some careless person threw a rope -ladder through the window. How inconsiderate! Fuzzy and I could have been injured...so I threw it back. Lucky escape that eh?? Not like one of the screws who suffered a bad eye injury when one of the beautiful ladies outside the gate seems to have lost a 'nipple ring', during a period of emotional 'breast heaving', and almost blinded him!! They don't know who did it, except that they thought her surname might be something like 'Alexaviseyout'; Russian they think.
Right, must go now.
Missing you all-I get very lonely at night ....and I miss all the animals :cry: Gran visits when she can, but please, come and see me??? Bring Corrie and Mrs FC and the rest of the gang. I'm appealing against my sentence. Mauler says it's probably the first time in my life that I've ever bee appealing to anybody....Well, obviously, never been in Gaol before!!! (He's still laughing about it-he 's always laughing somehow)
Love
A
PS Screws were asking me today what I knew about 'The Lone Ranger', and robbing sherriffs......
they're all mad in here!!!
HMP Shrewsbury
23/10/04
Hello Alex,
Just thought I'd let you know how I was getting on in 'The House of Many Windows'.
Well, it's not too bad really, although I'll never forget the noise of that big door when it banged shut behind me. The chaps in here say everyone says that.
I'm 'two'ed up' with a chap from London called Mullins-'Mauler' to his mates, and I think I'm now one of those. He says I am 'mad as a tart's knicker- elastic', whatever that means. I had a bit of trouble to start with a chap called 'Digger' Davies , who got mad when I took what he thought was too long in the shower. He started yelling and screaming about 'new meat' and how I would be his personal bitch. Rude chap. Well, I didn't take kindly to that Alex!! I shouted one of the Screws to complain, but, they all seemed to have disappeared-although I'm sure I could hear them laughing somewhere. Anyway, this chap continued screaming and then ran at me. I think he wanted to get nasty Alex. He reminded me of one of the big rams at home so I treated him accordingly: did the old farmer's sidestep, grabbed his throat as he sped past, grabbed hold of his 'nether -regions' with the other hand and squoze 'em together, Down he went, like a sack of corn. I tipped him on his arse, like I would a ram,and dug my knee in his belly and my thumb in his mouth , to keep him quiet. You know, all the other chaps appeared quite impressed, obviously never sheared any big sheep!! So, I became quite popular all of a sudden.
The screws gave me funny looks after that.
I 'm waiting to be what they call 'classified' before I go to my proper prison. I saw the Chaplain today-he was nice. I told him about SH. he seemed a bit embarrassed and went quite red. He seemed to cough and splutter an AWFUL lot when I mentioned Debbiewebs. Do you think he might be related or something? I said, 'You ought to go to a Munch padre!' He just went all red and said something about keeping my mouth shut!! Another rude man-seems to be full of them.
Stroke of luck:had my interview with the Governor today. He saw my surname and asked me if I was related to Arthur Tificer? I said that he was my late Uncle. He started shaking my hand and saying how Uncle Arthur had been a regular there whenever he had big debts: apparently Uncle thought a couple of weeks inside was a fair swap for money owed. Typical of him-tight as a wet knot that one. Anyway, he immediately put me down for work on local farms. (He also asked if 'Sweaty Betty ' was still doing her trick with the baby pig, and if Uncle's friends Mrs Fc and , well, you Alex
were likely to be visiting. How does he know you two??? I noticed a sign on his desk saying' Black Dalek's are misunderstood'. That rang a bell somehow.....)I've been telling all the chaps on the landing about the Site: they love me to tell my stories. They've all been thinking up avatars and 'names' so they can join when they get out. funnily enough, they all see to be called 'Big Job' or ' Krimmin Al'-they really do seem to be preoccupied with this crime thing. I asked Mauler what he did for a job -he hasn't stopped laughing yet. But, he says he can sort me out with a 'big one' when I get out......what is he on about?? I said, do you mean a new ram? He started another laughing fit. Why is it I always seem to meet such jolly people??
Oh, yeah, bit of a kerfuffle last night: apparently, a group of gorgeous ladies gathered outside the main gate last night, with, Mauler says, less cloth covering them than a midget's y-fronts. All the screws went to look. I was playing table -tennis with 'Fuzzy' Felkingham, the chap who blew up the VAT office. I must be missing you all -I half imagined I heard your voice Alex, and Corrie, and-my legal inspiration, Mr NeilinLeeds. Anyway, my thoughts were disturbed when some careless person threw a rope -ladder through the window. How inconsiderate! Fuzzy and I could have been injured...so I threw it back. Lucky escape that eh?? Not like one of the screws who suffered a bad eye injury when one of the beautiful ladies outside the gate seems to have lost a 'nipple ring', during a period of emotional 'breast heaving', and almost blinded him!! They don't know who did it, except that they thought her surname might be something like 'Alexaviseyout'; Russian they think.
Right, must go now.
Missing you all-I get very lonely at night ....and I miss all the animals :cry: Gran visits when she can, but please, come and see me??? Bring Corrie and Mrs FC and the rest of the gang. I'm appealing against my sentence. Mauler says it's probably the first time in my life that I've ever bee appealing to anybody....Well, obviously, never been in Gaol before!!! (He's still laughing about it-he 's always laughing somehow)
Love
A
PS Screws were asking me today what I knew about 'The Lone Ranger', and robbing sherriffs......
they're all mad in here!!! Sex God
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: *wipes tears from his eyes*
well that's fooked then eh? the whole rope ladder thing. bollox. now what?
hope you're having fun in there mate. but here's a useful tip. just run thru the showers ok? make sure you're soaped up and all first tho. harder for 'em to get to grips with yer! bit like sweaty betty's greased up pigs? yer know!
i'm working on me petitions to the courts and what not. just hang in there. see you at the next remand hearing.
neil x x x ;)
Quote by neilinleeds
*wipes tears from his eyes*
well that's fooked then eh? the whole rope ladder thing. bollox. now what?
hope you're having fun in there mate. but here's a useful tip. just run thru the showers ok? make sure you're soaped up and all first tho. harder for 'em to get to grips with yer! bit like sweaty betty's greased up pigs? yer know!
i'm working on me petitions to the courts and what not. just hang in there. see you at the next remand hearing.
neil x x x ;)
LOLOLOl must admit to having to read Agricola's letter out loud to Morbius and then explain the circumstances of his incarceration.
Neil ... mate ... honey ... i have to ask .... how the hell do you know about soaping up and gripping and showers
: :?: :?: I worry about you at times love!
Anyway .... sign me up for the campaign I'll help in anyway I can.
Sex God
Quote by Calista
LOLOLOl must admit to having to read Agricola's letter out loud to Morbius and then explain the circumstances of his incarceration.
Neil ... mate ... honey ... i have to ask .... how the hell do you know about soaping up and gripping and showers
I worry about you at times love!
Anyway .... sign me up for the campaign I'll help in anyway I can.
well calista,
i used to play rugby union at public school, and i watch bad girls of a tuesday evening. it's all there yer know! ;)
n x x x;)
Dear Agricola
I thought I would write a little note to you in prison. I so so shocked to hear about your experience and I am sure your reasons for being attired the way you were when you were arrested were totally in keeping with how I view you my dear friend. Oh Agricola we did something shameful tonight. A number of the SH women got together outside of your quarters and caused a rucous to give Neil a chance to try out a well thought through escape plan to help you escape. It all went a tiny bit wrong when some of the wardens dogs tried to join in and I dont remember much other than seeing Alex's nipple ring being torn out by some big nashers and Jags growling back at a canine beast. I tried so hard to fit into my new bondage costume for the event but the clapses kept popping and Jags just kept laughing when she was kneeling down before me. Mrs FC had her medieval costume on but it is still only half made so it didnt have quite the effect we wanted either. Oh I do hope you are keeping your chin up Agricola and your legs crossed and we all hope and pray you come out exactly the same as you went in.
Love Corriexxxxxxx
I thought I would write a little note to you in prison. I so so shocked to hear about your experience and I am sure your reasons for being attired the way you were when you were arrested were totally in keeping with how I view you my dear friend. Oh Agricola we did something shameful tonight. A number of the SH women got together outside of your quarters and caused a rucous to give Neil a chance to try out a well thought through escape plan to help you escape. It all went a tiny bit wrong when some of the wardens dogs tried to join in and I dont remember much other than seeing Alex's nipple ring being torn out by some big nashers and Jags growling back at a canine beast. I tried so hard to fit into my new bondage costume for the event but the clapses kept popping and Jags just kept laughing when she was kneeling down before me. Mrs FC had her medieval costume on but it is still only half made so it didnt have quite the effect we wanted either. Oh I do hope you are keeping your chin up Agricola and your legs crossed and we all hope and pray you come out exactly the same as you went in.
Love Corriexxxxxxx
Cell 5a
Whitchurch Police Station
Shropshire
5am 24 Oct 2004
My dearest Agricola
Thank you for your letter, I can see that you are trying to keep your spirits up. Good Man!
As you can see - I am now, like you, incarcerated.
During the fracass outside of HMP Shrewsbury yesterday evening, some young pup of a prison guard got a little too distracted and locked himself on to my nipple! That wasn't too bad - I thought I should just grit my teeth and allow him to carry on for a while to ensure he was oblivious to the rescue attempt being made. Well, all was fine and dandy (in fact very enjoyable - but that is beside the point) until his tongue piercing got caught in my nipple ring! Oh my lord that was so annoying - wherever I turned - there he was, still connected to my boob. I tried a quick flick round - but all that served to do was whip him off his feet in a manoevre similar to those performed by Torvill and Dean in their Bolero routine. In fact - out of the corner of my eye - I noticed the scores of 5.6, 5.7, 6.0 being held up by Corrie, Dawn and MrsFC! Anyway in a last ditch effort to free myself of this over eager screw, I tried a back flip (Gosh am I glad of all that training I put myself thru during my undercover times as Mrs Peel). This, I am happy to say, worked a treat: the nipple ring became unclipped and it, together with the young (not so) gentleman flew through the air. However.....the nipple ring seperated, mid flight, from the tongue ring and hit the Chief Superintendant in the eye at the same time as the open mouthed screw hit him squarely in the groin, into which he sank his teeth.
Do you know that Superintendant is such a talented man - quite multi-lingual - he talked so fast and fluently in a language I had never heard before - I was really impressed. And I never actually realised that skin could go such a lovely shade of deep reddy mauve - I asked him if he could stay just like that for a few minutes whilst I got may camera - that is just the colour I am after for my lounge curtains.
Well he mustn't like having his photo taken because he seemed to take great offence at that and ordered two young constables to throw me in the back of the meat wagon. Well they did escort me to a van-type vehicle - but I don't think it was a butchers van because there were no carcasses hooked to the ceiling, nor any other sign either. Mind you, there was a broken stag horn and a strong smell of ferrets. So perhaps this butcher was more into game than anything.
The next thing I know is, I am being driven a few miles down some little winding lanes, till we eventually end up in this car park which seemed to be full of men surrounding the few cars which were dotted around. They seemed to be performing some stange ritual dance around the vehicles.... it was difficult to see clearly - but they appeared to move to and from the cars, one hand in front of them in the region of their groin, their arms (what I could see of them, making rythmic jerking movements, slowly at first and then faster until they seemed to reach some euphoric state. I was convinced we had stumbled upon some type of satanic rites.
I was trying to get a better look when one of the police officers gets in the back with me. Now - I was a little concerned at first as he had divested himself of his shirt and hat, unbuttoned his trousers and got his truncheon out! I thought I had best tread very carefully, so I complemented him on his nice shiny truncheon and said how big it was and what a nice condition he had kept it in and how, in fact, it looked as it it had hardly been used! Now - wouldn't you have been pleased to have received such a compliment? He didn't seem to be at all, in fact he appeared quite annoyed, but then he smiled and and said that I would be feeling the length and breadth of his truncheon. Such a kind man after all!
However, before I got my hands on it, the inside of the van lit up with a blue flashing light as a police car pulled into the car park. The demon worshippers around the cars scattered into the bushes and the other vehicles started their engines. I heard our driver shout 'SH*T Nobbler! It's the lads from Middlewich nick!!!!!, Let's get out of here before they spot us - get your gear back on! Nobbler (who I now realised was the bobby with the big truncheon) got his shirt on and tucked his truncheon out of site, but it was too late, we had been spotted. I didn't see what the problem was - why were they concerned about being there - they didn't seem to be doing that much harm to me.
My two escorts jumped out and went over to see the officers in the other car - I couldn't quite hear what they were saying, but I thought I heard something about men and doggin. I was a little puzzled as I hadn't noticed any of the men at the cars holding a dog lead. They stood there laughing and joking for a few minutes and then came back to the van and we continued our journey.
I think I must have dozed off, as the next thing I remember is being lifted out of the van and taken into Whitchurh Police station.
I was taken to the interrogation room and grilled for hours. They wanted to know why I was outside Shrewbury Prison last night. I tried to relay your story and the gross miscarriage of justice which had been made. I showed them your letters too.
Well - they weren't very sympathetic at all - in fact they just laughed at me - so rude. Almost as if they didn't believe me! They wanted to know what I had been drinking - or smoking! Well I don't smoke - and I told them so - fifthy habit in my opinion! And as for what I had been drinking - I had had a cup of herbal tea! 'Herbal tea'! they said - 'and just what Herbs do you put in that?'. I told them that they are just some ones I grow in my back garden that I bought from a very nice man in the pub last year. They are nice herbs - make me very relaxed, but they do take a bit of looking after - I have to keep the heat on in the greenhouse all the time.
Well the next thing - they say they have a warrant to search my house and garden and that I have to stay in the cells all night! So here I still am! I do hope they let me out later today, I was so hoping to come and visit you with Corrie and MrsFC.
I am pleased you are making such nice friends though. Say hello to your friend Mauler for me.
Yours, as always,
Alex x
Whitchurch Police Station
Shropshire
5am 24 Oct 2004
My dearest Agricola
Thank you for your letter, I can see that you are trying to keep your spirits up. Good Man!
As you can see - I am now, like you, incarcerated.
During the fracass outside of HMP Shrewsbury yesterday evening, some young pup of a prison guard got a little too distracted and locked himself on to my nipple! That wasn't too bad - I thought I should just grit my teeth and allow him to carry on for a while to ensure he was oblivious to the rescue attempt being made. Well, all was fine and dandy (in fact very enjoyable - but that is beside the point) until his tongue piercing got caught in my nipple ring! Oh my lord that was so annoying - wherever I turned - there he was, still connected to my boob. I tried a quick flick round - but all that served to do was whip him off his feet in a manoevre similar to those performed by Torvill and Dean in their Bolero routine. In fact - out of the corner of my eye - I noticed the scores of 5.6, 5.7, 6.0 being held up by Corrie, Dawn and MrsFC! Anyway in a last ditch effort to free myself of this over eager screw, I tried a back flip (Gosh am I glad of all that training I put myself thru during my undercover times as Mrs Peel). This, I am happy to say, worked a treat: the nipple ring became unclipped and it, together with the young (not so) gentleman flew through the air. However.....the nipple ring seperated, mid flight, from the tongue ring and hit the Chief Superintendant in the eye at the same time as the open mouthed screw hit him squarely in the groin, into which he sank his teeth.
Do you know that Superintendant is such a talented man - quite multi-lingual - he talked so fast and fluently in a language I had never heard before - I was really impressed. And I never actually realised that skin could go such a lovely shade of deep reddy mauve - I asked him if he could stay just like that for a few minutes whilst I got may camera - that is just the colour I am after for my lounge curtains.
Well he mustn't like having his photo taken because he seemed to take great offence at that and ordered two young constables to throw me in the back of the meat wagon. Well they did escort me to a van-type vehicle - but I don't think it was a butchers van because there were no carcasses hooked to the ceiling, nor any other sign either. Mind you, there was a broken stag horn and a strong smell of ferrets. So perhaps this butcher was more into game than anything.
The next thing I know is, I am being driven a few miles down some little winding lanes, till we eventually end up in this car park which seemed to be full of men surrounding the few cars which were dotted around. They seemed to be performing some stange ritual dance around the vehicles.... it was difficult to see clearly - but they appeared to move to and from the cars, one hand in front of them in the region of their groin, their arms (what I could see of them, making rythmic jerking movements, slowly at first and then faster until they seemed to reach some euphoric state. I was convinced we had stumbled upon some type of satanic rites.
I was trying to get a better look when one of the police officers gets in the back with me. Now - I was a little concerned at first as he had divested himself of his shirt and hat, unbuttoned his trousers and got his truncheon out! I thought I had best tread very carefully, so I complemented him on his nice shiny truncheon and said how big it was and what a nice condition he had kept it in and how, in fact, it looked as it it had hardly been used! Now - wouldn't you have been pleased to have received such a compliment? He didn't seem to be at all, in fact he appeared quite annoyed, but then he smiled and and said that I would be feeling the length and breadth of his truncheon. Such a kind man after all!
However, before I got my hands on it, the inside of the van lit up with a blue flashing light as a police car pulled into the car park. The demon worshippers around the cars scattered into the bushes and the other vehicles started their engines. I heard our driver shout 'SH*T Nobbler! It's the lads from Middlewich nick!!!!!, Let's get out of here before they spot us - get your gear back on! Nobbler (who I now realised was the bobby with the big truncheon) got his shirt on and tucked his truncheon out of site, but it was too late, we had been spotted. I didn't see what the problem was - why were they concerned about being there - they didn't seem to be doing that much harm to me.
My two escorts jumped out and went over to see the officers in the other car - I couldn't quite hear what they were saying, but I thought I heard something about men and doggin. I was a little puzzled as I hadn't noticed any of the men at the cars holding a dog lead. They stood there laughing and joking for a few minutes and then came back to the van and we continued our journey.
I think I must have dozed off, as the next thing I remember is being lifted out of the van and taken into Whitchurh Police station.
I was taken to the interrogation room and grilled for hours. They wanted to know why I was outside Shrewbury Prison last night. I tried to relay your story and the gross miscarriage of justice which had been made. I showed them your letters too.
Well - they weren't very sympathetic at all - in fact they just laughed at me - so rude. Almost as if they didn't believe me! They wanted to know what I had been drinking - or smoking! Well I don't smoke - and I told them so - fifthy habit in my opinion! And as for what I had been drinking - I had had a cup of herbal tea! 'Herbal tea'! they said - 'and just what Herbs do you put in that?'. I told them that they are just some ones I grow in my back garden that I bought from a very nice man in the pub last year. They are nice herbs - make me very relaxed, but they do take a bit of looking after - I have to keep the heat on in the greenhouse all the time.
Well the next thing - they say they have a warrant to search my house and garden and that I have to stay in the cells all night! So here I still am! I do hope they let me out later today, I was so hoping to come and visit you with Corrie and MrsFC.
I am pleased you are making such nice friends though. Say hello to your friend Mauler for me.
Yours, as always,
Alex x
Sex God
oh FGS alex!
*sighs wearily . . . *
it's all getting a bit tricky now is this eh? i'm honestly not the greedy type, but being a solicitor at times like this isn't easy yer know. i mean, i have to get me secretary to write letters for me, which i have to actually sign you know, and i have to go to the trouble of sending some useless legal exec to the nick to get yer statement and prepare a defence, and then in a coupla weeks time i have to stand up for 5 minutes and pretend i have a clue what i'm on about in front of the judge. it all costs money you know. think it's time we had a bit of a whip round to cover me costs if you want me to defend you as well as Mr Agricola.
don't worry though. you've seen bad girls eh? those womens prisons are very nice. you just sit about drinking tea all day, smoking those herbal cigarettes you seem all too familiar with, and getting rogered silly by whoever happens to take a fancy to yer. it's not so bad honest.
now. seems like you're up for indecent exposure, assault on one of Her Majesty's Prison Officers, cultivation of a controlled substance, and possibly trespass on HMP grounds. won't be cheap that one. call it a coupla grand. i'll give you the change back if there is any honest!
just let me know when the bail hearing is. i'll try and arrange it for the same time as Agricola's, so should have you both in and out in about ten minutes. can't say fairer than that.
neil x x x ;)
*sighs wearily . . . *
it's all getting a bit tricky now is this eh? i'm honestly not the greedy type, but being a solicitor at times like this isn't easy yer know. i mean, i have to get me secretary to write letters for me, which i have to actually sign you know, and i have to go to the trouble of sending some useless legal exec to the nick to get yer statement and prepare a defence, and then in a coupla weeks time i have to stand up for 5 minutes and pretend i have a clue what i'm on about in front of the judge. it all costs money you know. think it's time we had a bit of a whip round to cover me costs if you want me to defend you as well as Mr Agricola.
don't worry though. you've seen bad girls eh? those womens prisons are very nice. you just sit about drinking tea all day, smoking those herbal cigarettes you seem all too familiar with, and getting rogered silly by whoever happens to take a fancy to yer. it's not so bad honest.
now. seems like you're up for indecent exposure, assault on one of Her Majesty's Prison Officers, cultivation of a controlled substance, and possibly trespass on HMP grounds. won't be cheap that one. call it a coupla grand. i'll give you the change back if there is any honest!
just let me know when the bail hearing is. i'll try and arrange it for the same time as Agricola's, so should have you both in and out in about ten minutes. can't say fairer than that.
neil x x x ;)
Some friends you lot are!!!!!!!
All you go on about is that wonderful munch you all attended....
All the while you leave me me in the cells and Agricola in prison!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's happened to these escape plans??????????
I'm getting fed up of bread & water (mind you it's doing the diet a power of good).
They are transferring me to HMP Hallamshire, Sheffield later today - so I need help!
The route is M6, M62, M60, M67, M57.................
So you bunch of reprobates - how about intercepting the prison van on the way over?
A very naffed off and dejected, Alex x x
All you go on about is that wonderful munch you all attended....
All the while you leave me me in the cells and Agricola in prison!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's happened to these escape plans??????????
I'm getting fed up of bread & water (mind you it's doing the diet a power of good).
They are transferring me to HMP Hallamshire, Sheffield later today - so I need help!
The route is M6, M62, M60, M67, M57.................
So you bunch of reprobates - how about intercepting the prison van on the way over?
A very naffed off and dejected, Alex x x
Sex God
I'm on my way Alex!
At least there are some advantages to being a Dragon, I will intercept the police van on the M6. I don't think even her majesty's finest have anything that can contend with a 50ft, flying, fire-breathing Lizard.
I will then you fly you gently to my lair in deepest Lincolnshire where you can relax with my Damsel and enjoy your liberty. We even have a very special steam powered Jacuzzi. (To be honest i just breathe gently on the paddling pool.
) You should be OK for company as she seems to be collecting her very own male harem! :shock: Damsel in distress my arse, I think Marmalaid, Fabio and TallNHairy are all locked up here somewhere and I think Neilinleeds might find he's in trouble if she gets hold of him again. :twisted: :twisted:
I will then fly by moonlight to Shrewsbury and rescue your beloved Agricola, taking care to avoid any Hobbits, Thrushes or men called George. I cannot allow him to continue in his incarcerated state now that he has come on here to replace his uncle.
(I might even keep a look out for certain people who have been being nagged by the 'Scottish Mod'* but I'm not sure how well felines get on with dragons?)
See who needs helicopters we have our very own draconina flying corps? 8-)
Roger the Dragon
* It's like the Scottish Play - speaking her name aloud brings bad luck and many slaps.
At least there are some advantages to being a Dragon, I will intercept the police van on the M6. I don't think even her majesty's finest have anything that can contend with a 50ft, flying, fire-breathing Lizard.
I will then you fly you gently to my lair in deepest Lincolnshire where you can relax with my Damsel and enjoy your liberty. We even have a very special steam powered Jacuzzi. (To be honest i just breathe gently on the paddling pool.
) You should be OK for company as she seems to be collecting her very own male harem! :shock: Damsel in distress my arse, I think Marmalaid, Fabio and TallNHairy are all locked up here somewhere and I think Neilinleeds might find he's in trouble if she gets hold of him again. :twisted: :twisted: I will then fly by moonlight to Shrewsbury and rescue your beloved Agricola, taking care to avoid any Hobbits, Thrushes or men called George. I cannot allow him to continue in his incarcerated state now that he has come on here to replace his uncle.
(I might even keep a look out for certain people who have been being nagged by the 'Scottish Mod'* but I'm not sure how well felines get on with dragons?)See who needs helicopters we have our very own draconina flying corps? 8-)
Roger the Dragon
* It's like the Scottish Play - speaking her name aloud brings bad luck and many slaps.
Alex Agricola.
What the hell have you both been doing whilst I was away on holiday.
Look I can see that neil is trying to help both you and our friend agricola.
This is a little above his head, as he as only delt with in the past lost dogs and cats.
Neil is an articulate fellow, and I applaude his attempts to free you both.
However this has gotten very out of hand.
Agricola in prison and you in a police cell. this just cannot be happening.
Has everyone gone mad around here.
To-whit, the problem at hand is to free both of you.
It is unfeasable that you are growing dope in your greenhouse, I know only to well that it is parsley rosemary and thyme.
Drugs poo.
So this is how I propose we continue our defence.
First we contact wiseguy (the judge that put poor agricola in detention), I have pictures from dogging sites given to me by stan.
Apparently stan has a grudge against wiseguy for some sort of footy fixing offence, "stan said it was'nt me".
Chief super, or as SH members know him Chopper Copper, has been pictured in many a club for tv, tranny and gay people. Dressed in his leather gear, with whip and leather cap.
I know I know, black mail is a dirty word, but when needs must.
Almost forgot to mention my aquaintence with the editor of the times.
I believe he would be most greatful for the co-operation of us upstanding servants of the public, in publishing daming evidence against senior public servants such as Wiseguy and Choper Copper.
I plead with all members not to go heavy handed into battle for the release of our kinsman(and women).
With this evidence I envisage the saga proceediing no further.
Will see you both very soon.
Yours
Seedy Sid
btw
would anyone like to buy some cheap nylons.
Cheap cigaretts.
Cheap wine and beer.
pm me.
What the hell have you both been doing whilst I was away on holiday.
Look I can see that neil is trying to help both you and our friend agricola.
This is a little above his head, as he as only delt with in the past lost dogs and cats.
Neil is an articulate fellow, and I applaude his attempts to free you both.
However this has gotten very out of hand.
Agricola in prison and you in a police cell. this just cannot be happening.
Has everyone gone mad around here.
To-whit, the problem at hand is to free both of you.
It is unfeasable that you are growing dope in your greenhouse, I know only to well that it is parsley rosemary and thyme.
Drugs poo.
So this is how I propose we continue our defence.
First we contact wiseguy (the judge that put poor agricola in detention), I have pictures from dogging sites given to me by stan.
Apparently stan has a grudge against wiseguy for some sort of footy fixing offence, "stan said it was'nt me".
Chief super, or as SH members know him Chopper Copper, has been pictured in many a club for tv, tranny and gay people. Dressed in his leather gear, with whip and leather cap.
I know I know, black mail is a dirty word, but when needs must.
Almost forgot to mention my aquaintence with the editor of the times.
I believe he would be most greatful for the co-operation of us upstanding servants of the public, in publishing daming evidence against senior public servants such as Wiseguy and Choper Copper.
I plead with all members not to go heavy handed into battle for the release of our kinsman(and women).
With this evidence I envisage the saga proceediing no further.
Will see you both very soon.
Yours
Seedy Sid
btw
would anyone like to buy some cheap nylons.
Cheap cigaretts.
Cheap wine and beer.
pm me.
Sid
At last someone who appears to have a grasp of the situation!
I was hoping for a rescue attempt from Roger today - however, I fear he may have got the wrong vehicle. We were in a convoy of 3 prison vans when we started out, but only 2 arrived here at HMP Hallamshire. The third van, containing Jack, 'the lad' Smith dissappeared in a puff of smoke en route!
I will await developments with interest!
Alex x x
(and can I have 2 pairs of nylons please?)
At last someone who appears to have a grasp of the situation!
I was hoping for a rescue attempt from Roger today - however, I fear he may have got the wrong vehicle. We were in a convoy of 3 prison vans when we started out, but only 2 arrived here at HMP Hallamshire. The third van, containing Jack, 'the lad' Smith dissappeared in a puff of smoke en route!
I will await developments with interest!
Alex x x
(and can I have 2 pairs of nylons please?)
As of today the photos have benn sent to the two members mentioned earlier.
I await reply by phone, fax, email or carrier pidgeon (or all four).
By noon on the 02/11/04.
PS
I have sent the nylons by courier, and have hidden revised escape plans inside, incase the blackmail attempt goes tits up, inside the package.
Regards
Sid
I await reply by phone, fax, email or carrier pidgeon (or all four).
By noon on the 02/11/04.
PS
I have sent the nylons by courier, and have hidden revised escape plans inside, incase the blackmail attempt goes tits up, inside the package.
Regards
Sid
Sex God
Alex
I wish to complain about the oversight in the intelligence I was given. (Why couldn't you wave your lacy knicks out of the van window as I flew over?) I had to make a split second decision and what can I say, WRONG .
Jack 'the Lad' Smith is now happily ensconced in the Damsel's boudoir where he is rapidly becoming Jack 'the sexually mature' Smith. :twisted:
Also without your assistance the assault on HMP Shrewsbury was not a complete success.
ops: I easily found the prison and overflew the picket line of SHers but once over the prison a certain prisoner suggested that the guards stop cowering and try training the fire hoses on me!!! 
:x :x
Agricola do you not wish to be rescued??? Anyone would think you were hiding in there from Mrs Entwhistle!!
I will now have to reconsider my rescue strategy, but do not fear I will be there to rescue you Alex. (I have to, who else am I going to send my snippets of prose to? )
It looks like I need some assistance though, so anyone wanting to rescue these revered members of SH (And fancying a dragon ride to boot!) please let me know.
Roger the Dragon (Now very soggy :x )
P.S. Celticq, yes I do have claws but I can be very very gentle :wink:
P.P.S. Sid - I'm afraid the message by carrier pigeon might be a no no. BURP!, tasty little morsel it was. All I have is a chared piece of paper with "...ELP!!!" on it. :oops:
I wish to complain about the oversight in the intelligence I was given. (Why couldn't you wave your lacy knicks out of the van window as I flew over?) I had to make a split second decision and what can I say, WRONG
.Jack 'the Lad' Smith is now happily ensconced in the Damsel's boudoir where he is rapidly becoming Jack 'the sexually mature' Smith. :twisted:
Also without your assistance the assault on HMP Shrewsbury was not a complete success.
ops: I easily found the prison and overflew the picket line of SHers but once over the prison a certain prisoner suggested that the guards stop cowering and try training the fire hoses on me!!! :x :x Agricola do you not wish to be rescued??? Anyone would think you were hiding in there from Mrs Entwhistle!!
I will now have to reconsider my rescue strategy, but do not fear I will be there to rescue you Alex. (I have to, who else am I going to send my snippets of prose to?
)It looks like I need some assistance though, so anyone wanting to rescue these revered members of SH (And fancying a dragon ride to boot!) please let me know.
Roger the Dragon (Now very soggy :x )
P.S. Celticq, yes I do have claws but I can be very very gentle :wink:
P.P.S. Sid - I'm afraid the message by carrier pigeon might be a no no. BURP!, tasty little morsel it was. All I have is a chared piece of paper with "...ELP!!!" on it. :oops:
Good news regarding Agricola and Alex.
Things have moved on a pace.
The evidence against wiseguy and chopper coppe, has hit nerves with both people.
I have it on good authority that the release of our members will take place by tomorrow(legal stuff don't you know).
Copies of the photos have been sent to my editor friend, so expect to se some front page scandal very soon.
I expect members to gather togeather to welcome these brave but tired people home.
Regards
Sid
Things have moved on a pace.
The evidence against wiseguy and chopper coppe, has hit nerves with both people.
I have it on good authority that the release of our members will take place by tomorrow(legal stuff don't you know).
Copies of the photos have been sent to my editor friend, so expect to se some front page scandal very soon.
I expect members to gather togeather to welcome these brave but tired people home.
Regards
Sid
Segregation Wing
HMP Shrewsbury
Dear Alex
Sorry I haven't written for a few days but I'm finding it rather difficult with my hands bandaged. Let me explain.
Everything was going really well: I had my home leave and was told by my Social Worker that the judge in my case had suddenly decided to call for a retraction of charges-something to do with a 'Social Evening' he went to at a place called Munch. Can't imagine why? perhaps they convinced him I was innocent? Anyway, my cell mate , Mauler, was really pleased for me. In fact, he was so overcome, he said he needed a smoke. As he had no 'burn' (tobacco), he asked me if I'd fetch him some he was owed from his best mate 'Dope' Davies. I was, of course, happy to oblige. I was on my way back with his tobacco tin when the screws all jumped me. Blimey, frightened me to death Alex! They dragged me down here to the 'block' and searched me. They got really excited about the tobacco tin and shouted 'BLOW!!. I did try, I huffed and puffed but said that I couldn't manage it with them all sitting on me. They said 'piss taker!!' and, well, let's just say I got a bit bruised. They demanded to know who had given me the weed?.....'garden orderly? ' I asked, really confused by now, and got a few more then asked me who was 'The Baron'. I thought as hard as a country boy with four screws sitting on his neck is able and said I'd heard that a Mr Von Richtofen was. I was really trying to help but they kept getting angrier and angrier. They then asked if a knew if anyone was trading 'Horse' ....mmmmm I thought, that was easy, and told them about Tinker Taylor and his Gypo mates down at the Travellers' Caravan Site-or 'The Reservation' as we locals call it. 'No, 'Smack ' they yelled ' give us the Smack NOW!!' Now this seemed really odd, but I daredn't upset them any more,'Let me up then, says I, and I'll do as you ask' So they did. To be fair, I only had chance to smack two of them-and I felt quite bad as they were probably decent chaps. I whacked one in the ear and one in the nose......then it all went dark. I woke up in the hospital. Hungry I was. They offered me tea but said I had to sign for it-which I did-but I couldn't understand why this involved signing a statement saying 'I absolve' etc etc....'I confess'.....etc etc'no more force than necessary' etc etc Anyway, the cheese sandwich was nice and didn't hurt the teeth where the fillings had been knocked out-accidentally they tell me- when I fell asleep under questioning and they had to carry me to the hospital.
So, I'm back in the block now.
I have to do horrible jobs. Yesterday, I had to hose the exercise yard down. A helicopter flew really low: Mauler said it could be Iraqui terrorists and begged me to turn the hose on it-which I did. It came so low I could see the pilot-spitting image of Roger. Amazing.
Had to see the Chaplain today: he asked me how long I had had my 'habit'. 'Blimey', I said, 'if you can see me picking my nose in my cell, in the dark, underneath my blanket, this religion thing is pretty good!!' He stomped off and I'm now banned from chapel.
Why has everyone turned so unfriendly Alex?? Still, Mauler is still my mate. He popped down when he was on cleaning duty and let me have his 'secret supply' to keep, as a sort of momento of him, as long as I hide it in my bedleg. He's so kind. There are razor blades (apparently he needs to shave a lot), money (he's saving to buy his aged Granny a Zimmer Frame-isn't that kind?), some 'imitation' bullets (for the Christmas Panto-Mauler says it's Puss in Cowboy Boots), and some wierd black stuff he says is Moroccan Chewing Gum (tastes odd, but I seem to feel a lot better when I chew a bit). He's a real pal.
Anyway, must go and make my bed.
Don't know when I'll get out now: everyone just laughs when I ask!! Mauler says they are scared of me cos I'm just so clever!! You know, he's always laughing that chap, marvellous when you consider all the screws say he's in here for murder yet he really only ripped up a parking ticket-I know that's true cos he told me in strictest confidence. These screws don't know that...haha-not as clever as they think eh?
Missing you
Axxx
HMP Shrewsbury
Dear Alex
Sorry I haven't written for a few days but I'm finding it rather difficult with my hands bandaged. Let me explain.
Everything was going really well: I had my home leave and was told by my Social Worker that the judge in my case had suddenly decided to call for a retraction of charges-something to do with a 'Social Evening' he went to at a place called Munch. Can't imagine why? perhaps they convinced him I was innocent? Anyway, my cell mate , Mauler, was really pleased for me. In fact, he was so overcome, he said he needed a smoke. As he had no 'burn' (tobacco), he asked me if I'd fetch him some he was owed from his best mate 'Dope' Davies. I was, of course, happy to oblige. I was on my way back with his tobacco tin when the screws all jumped me. Blimey, frightened me to death Alex! They dragged me down here to the 'block' and searched me. They got really excited about the tobacco tin and shouted 'BLOW!!. I did try, I huffed and puffed but said that I couldn't manage it with them all sitting on me. They said 'piss taker!!' and, well, let's just say I got a bit bruised. They demanded to know who had given me the weed?.....'garden orderly? ' I asked, really confused by now, and got a few more then asked me who was 'The Baron'. I thought as hard as a country boy with four screws sitting on his neck is able and said I'd heard that a Mr Von Richtofen was. I was really trying to help but they kept getting angrier and angrier. They then asked if a knew if anyone was trading 'Horse' ....mmmmm I thought, that was easy, and told them about Tinker Taylor and his Gypo mates down at the Travellers' Caravan Site-or 'The Reservation' as we locals call it. 'No, 'Smack ' they yelled ' give us the Smack NOW!!' Now this seemed really odd, but I daredn't upset them any more,'Let me up then, says I, and I'll do as you ask' So they did. To be fair, I only had chance to smack two of them-and I felt quite bad as they were probably decent chaps. I whacked one in the ear and one in the nose......then it all went dark. I woke up in the hospital. Hungry I was. They offered me tea but said I had to sign for it-which I did-but I couldn't understand why this involved signing a statement saying 'I absolve' etc etc....'I confess'.....etc etc'no more force than necessary' etc etc Anyway, the cheese sandwich was nice and didn't hurt the teeth where the fillings had been knocked out-accidentally they tell me- when I fell asleep under questioning and they had to carry me to the hospital.
So, I'm back in the block now.
I have to do horrible jobs. Yesterday, I had to hose the exercise yard down. A helicopter flew really low: Mauler said it could be Iraqui terrorists and begged me to turn the hose on it-which I did. It came so low I could see the pilot-spitting image of Roger. Amazing.
Had to see the Chaplain today: he asked me how long I had had my 'habit'. 'Blimey', I said, 'if you can see me picking my nose in my cell, in the dark, underneath my blanket, this religion thing is pretty good!!' He stomped off and I'm now banned from chapel.
Why has everyone turned so unfriendly Alex?? Still, Mauler is still my mate. He popped down when he was on cleaning duty and let me have his 'secret supply' to keep, as a sort of momento of him, as long as I hide it in my bedleg. He's so kind. There are razor blades (apparently he needs to shave a lot), money (he's saving to buy his aged Granny a Zimmer Frame-isn't that kind?), some 'imitation' bullets (for the Christmas Panto-Mauler says it's Puss in Cowboy Boots), and some wierd black stuff he says is Moroccan Chewing Gum (tastes odd, but I seem to feel a lot better when I chew a bit). He's a real pal.
Anyway, must go and make my bed.
Don't know when I'll get out now: everyone just laughs when I ask!! Mauler says they are scared of me cos I'm just so clever!! You know, he's always laughing that chap, marvellous when you consider all the screws say he's in here for murder yet he really only ripped up a parking ticket-I know that's true cos he told me in strictest confidence. These screws don't know that...haha-not as clever as they think eh?
Missing you
Axxx
