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Can I please have a list...

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Minx_N_BigDanny
Sexpert
Quote by Jas-Tim
No green jacket
Oh and I admit to being totally orangist so flipa
Jas
XXX

Right! That's it Jas! I have already called my fellow Orangies and you will find myself, David Dickensen, George Hamilton and the dancing bloke from RND Fame Academy outside your house tonight with placards and petitions for your neighbours.
You will be able to recognise our group. Do not be mislead into thinking it is sunset!
"What do we want?"
"Fairness to orange-ies!"
"When do we want it?"
"NOW"
(or substitue line two to: "Jas to flash us") wink
luv2lick
Casanova
Quote by Happy Cats
Gerry Adams wakes up in a good mood, goes to the bathroom looks in the mirror and thinks “jeez I look good, but whats that funny smell?”
Goes down for breakfast and the wife kisses him good morning and says “jeez you look good this morning, but whats the smell?”
Arrives at the Sinn Fein office and Martin says “ Hi Gerry, you look fantastic, can you smell something?”
Well Gerry is pissed off about this and goes to see his doctor. He explains that everyone has been complimenting him but what is the smell?
The doctor looks at him for a second and then says “Mr Adams, I know exactly what is wrong here……………..
Your’e a c*nt!”
I know, I know – offensive to c*nts

Have you ever wondered what would happen if all cunts united and had synchronised periods?! :shock:
I thought they had and are playing at Southampton today lol
rotflmao :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Unknown User
look just because we are using you in the GFZ as are ice maker no need to go all Icey on us now is it rolleyes
"]
Ok Debs gets her coat bolt
Ice_Pie
Sex God
Quote by Debbiewebs
look just because we are using you in the GFZ as are ice maker no need to go all Icey on us now is it rolleyes
"]
Ok Debs gets her coat bolt

:shock: Are you sure you want ice with that? :lol2:
Ice_Pie
Sex God
Oh, hang on, sorry, let's get back on track - the above is offensive to incontinent birds from the southern hemisphere. mad
davej
Sex God
An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "no". He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father.". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" The priest says, "Uh, please, the lord is watching would you please mind your language?"
"I'm sorry father," says the fisherman, thinking quickly, "but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!" "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know," the priest replies.
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Look at this big fucker Bishop". Shocked, the bishop says, "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God.". "No, you don't understand," explains the priest, "that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
"Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner," exclaims the bishop. So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My lord, what language!" she says. "No, Sister," he explains "that's what the fish is called - a fucker! Father caught the fucker, I cleaned the fucker, and we'd like you to cook the fucker." Relieved, Mother Superior says, "Sure. I'll cook that fucker tonight."
That night, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. I caught the fucker!" the priest cries proudly. "And I cleaned the fucker!" cries the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" finished the Mother Superior.
There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whisky and says, "You know what? You cunts are alright."
westerross
Sex God
Quote by Ice Pie
Oh, hang on, sorry, let's get back on track - the above is offensive to incontinent birds from the southern hemisphere. mad

I should imagine it's pretty offensive to birds that don't have square arses as well. rotflmao
Unknown User
Quote by westerross
Oh, hang on, sorry, let's get back on track - the above is offensive to incontinent birds from the southern hemisphere. mad

I should imagine it's pretty offensive to birds that don't have square arses as well. rotflmao
:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
jameswestlondon
Warming the Bed
Ok Ice how about this one
A definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and David Blunkett playing tennis
Night_shift
Warming the Bed
Quote by Happy Cats
Gerry Adams wakes up in a good mood, goes to the bathroom looks in the mirror and thinks “jeez I look good, but whats that funny smell?”
Goes down for breakfast and the wife kisses him good morning and says “jeez you look good this morning, but whats the smell?”
Arrives at the Sinn Fein office and Martin says “ Hi Gerry, you look fantastic, can you smell something?”
Well Gerry is pissed off about this and goes to see his doctor. He explains that everyone has been complimenting him but what is the smell?
The doctor looks at him for a second and then says “Mr Adams, I know exactly what is wrong here……………..
Your’e a c*nt!”
I know, I know – offensive to c*nts

Have you ever wondered what would happen if all cunts united and had synchronised periods?! :shock:
I thought they had and are playing at Southampton today lol
:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
Love it
rotflmao :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Ice_Pie
Sex God
Quote by jameswestlondon
Ok Ice how about this one
A definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and David Blunkett playing tennis

Blind tennis is a cruel sport, definitely not a fit subject for humour: All those poor guide dogs dodging frantically, desperately trying to keep their charges out of the firing line and being rewarded for their efforts with an all too frequent dropshot to the goolies. Not funny at all. mad
jameswestlondon
Warming the Bed
Quote by Ice Pie
Ok Ice how about this one
A definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and David Blunkett playing tennis

Blind tennis is a cruel sport, definitely not a fit subject for humour: All those poor guide dogs dodging frantically, desperately trying to keep their charges out of the firing line and being rewarded for their efforts with an all too frequent dropshot to the goolies. Not funny at all. mad
Oh are they blind? I thought they were just notoriously bad tennis players
Ice_Pie
Sex God
Quote by jameswestlondon
Ok Ice how about this one
A definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and David Blunkett playing tennis

Blind tennis is a cruel sport, definitely not a fit subject for humour: All those poor guide dogs dodging frantically, desperately trying to keep their charges out of the firing line and being rewarded for their efforts with an all too frequent dropshot to the goolies. Not funny at all. mad
Oh are they blind? I thought they were just notoriously bad tennis players
So, not only are you cruel to guide dogs, you support elitism in sport. Sport is for all, not just overpaid superstars! :x
Parrot
Master of Sex
Quote by luv2lick
Knock Knock
Who's there
Dr
Dr Who
Ta Daaaaa !
(I didnt say it was a good joke)

I find this joke really offensive.
I am an electrician and the joke implies that the door bell isn't working which is a slur on my capabilities as a professional in my field. biggrin
westerross
Sex God
Quote by Parrot
Knock Knock
Who's there
Dr
Dr Who
Ta Daaaaa !
(I didnt say it was a good joke)

I find this joke really offensive.
I am an electrician and the joke implies that the door bell isn't working which is a slur on my capabilities as a professional in my field. biggrin
It's true - this has got to be the most offensive joke of 'em all. Think of all the frightened aged people not knowing who is knocking on their door and then to cap it all it's a doctor who won't reveal his true identity. Aged people's fears should not be exploited for humorous purposes.
jameswestlondon
Warming the Bed
But Dave is a great singer and Stevie is a wonder with numbers, I really didnt mean to be disparaging about their ability at tennis
Parrot
Master of Sex
**Still laughing at the Pope joke and couldn't give 2 farts if anyone finds it offensive to fuckers**
jameswestlondon
Warming the Bed
Quote by Happy Cats
Gerry Adams wakes up in a good mood, goes to the bathroom looks in the mirror and thinks “jeez I look good, but whats that funny smell?”
Goes down for breakfast and the wife kisses him good morning and says “jeez you look good this morning, but whats the smell?”
Arrives at the Sinn Fein office and Martin says “ Hi Gerry, you look fantastic, can you smell something?”
Well Gerry is pissed off about this and goes to see his doctor. He explains that everyone has been complimenting him but what is the smell?
The doctor looks at him for a second and then says “Mr Adams, I know exactly what is wrong here……………..
Your’e a c*nt!”
I know, I know – offensive to c*nts

I always thought the punchline was 'I look good, I feel great but smell awful'...cue cunt line from doctor
Happy__Cat
Sex God
Quote by jameswestlondon
Gerry Adams wakes up in a good mood, goes to the bathroom looks in the mirror and thinks “jeez I look good, but whats that funny smell?”
Goes down for breakfast and the wife kisses him good morning and says “jeez you look good this morning, but whats the smell?”
Arrives at the Sinn Fein office and Martin says “ Hi Gerry, you look fantastic, can you smell something?”
Well Gerry is pissed off about this and goes to see his doctor. He explains that everyone has been complimenting him but what is the smell?
The doctor looks at him for a second and then says “Mr Adams, I know exactly what is wrong here……………..
Your’e a c*nt!”
I know, I know – offensive to c*nts

I always thought the punchline was 'I look good, I feel great but smell awful'...cue cunt line from doctor
I now feel totally humiliated your dig at my inability to tell a joke and frankly, I'm offended. wink
Bassman
Master of Sex
Davej pmsl, great joke cool a worthy contender for joke of the week.
luv2lick
Casanova
Surely the poe joke is offensive to Fisherwomen.....Why should it always be fisherman??
Unknown User
The teacher asks the classmates to tell her a sentence containing the word ‘contagious’.
Little Mary puts her hand up and the teacher says “Yes Mary”
Mary replies “My little brother has chicken pox and chicken pox is contagious”
“Very good Mary”. Does anyone else want to have a go?”
Billy puts his hand up. “Yes Billy”
“My neighbour was painting his garden fence with a toothbrush and my dad said it will take that contagious”
Minx_N_BigDanny
Sexpert
A young bloke is walking through Belfast at night, when he feels a gun being pressed into the small of his back.
A voice from behind said "Which religion are you?"
Shitting himself and unsure what to say for the best, he pauses to think. Again, the big guy behind him asks "What religion are you?!"
Suddenly, he has a great idea.
"I am Jewish" he replies to his masked attacker.
"Fuck me" says his assailant. "I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast!"
Now how on earth could that be offensive to anyone Ice-Pie?
(joke above courtesy of the ever politicaly correct Dave Allen, may he rest in peace. Actually he had a finger missing, does that mean he will rest in pieces?)
lol
Sgt_Bilko
Sex God
Befor I start, I have to point out that I have just come in from the pub, and whatever I write now I will probably regret in the morning!! :cheers:
First of all, Ice, I agree with everything you have stated. I get so pissed off with the PC Brigade. Someone has to be the butt of a joke or there is no joke!! confused :? :? :?
I stopped my PC from being PC here about 10 months ago!! I realised that the majority of my posts were taking the mickey out of someone and thought long and hard about how I was going to continue. I came to the conclusion that the vast majority of the people that post in the Cafe realised that they were leaving themselves open for ridicule every time they posted (myself included) and it was the piss taking and team spirit that kept everybody here.
To have the piss taken out of you was a sign that you had been accepted into the fold, and I only felt comfortable taking the piss out of those that I'd had a raport with anyway.
I made a conscious decision to just be me and not worry about the consequences, after all the worst that could happen would be that I would be banned!! :shock: :shock: :shock:
Since then I know that there have been times where I have been close to the edge, and I am sure I have upset one or two people but if I wasn't being me, then there was no point in being anything!!
So, things will go on here that are not PC, but so what?? This is not a PC Web Site and nor is it intended to be!! I have concluded that If I really upset someone, then if all else fails one of us will have to leave.
Watch this space!!!! wink :wink: lol :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
davej
Sex God
Quote by Sgt Bilko
Befor I start, I have to point out that I have just come in from the pub, and whatever I write now I will probably regret in the morning!! :cheers:

First of all, Ice, I agree with everything you have stated. I get so pissed off with the PC Brigade. Someone has to be the butt of a joke or there is no joke!! confused :? :? :?
I stopped my PC from being PC here about 10 months ago!! I realised that the majority of my posts were taking the mickey out of someone and thought long and hard about how I was going to continue. I came to the conclusion that the vast majority of the people that post in the Cafe realised that they were leaving themselves open for ridicule every time they posted (myself included) and it was the piss taking and team spirit that kept everybody here.
To have the piss taken out of you was a sign that you had been accepted into the fold, and I only felt comfortable taking the piss out of those that I'd had a raport with anyway.
I made a conscious decision to just be me and not worry about the consequences, after all the worst that could happen would be that I would be banned!! :shock: :shock: :shock:
Since then I know that there have been times where I have been close to the edge, and I am sure I have upset one or two people but if I wasn't being me, then there was no point in being anything!!
So, things will go on here that are not PC, but so what?? This is not a PC Web Site and nor is it intended to be!! I have concluded that If I really upset someone, then if all else fails one of us will have to leave.
Watch this space!!!! wink :wink: lol :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Your post was timed at 12:33, it's now 05:17 and my eyes are stinging like fuck, nearly 5 hours following your instructions above.
How much longer because I really do want to go to bed.
Unknown User
Quote by Ice Pie
OK IcePie, see how you make this offensive to anyone....
2 Goldfish in a tank, one looks at the other and says
"How do you drive this thing?"
Joke told to me by my 5 year old cousin. BTW confused

My grandfather was crippled during the war while driving a tank, and I find it deeply offensive that you should choose to poke fun at those who risk their lives for your freedom. mad
Next!
was he a goldfish too?
Sgt_Bilko
Sex God
Quote by davej
Your post was timed at 12:33, it's now 05:17 and my eyes are stinging like fuck, nearly 5 hours following your instructions above.
How much longer because I really do want to go to bed.

rotflmao :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
You may go to bed now Dave!!
I promise not to do anything whilst you are away!! lol :lol: :lol: :lol:
Jags
Sex God
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up along side. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says
"Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says
"Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says
"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a f**king gritter!"
redface surprisedops:
Missy
Sex God
rotflmao :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
davej
Sex God
A woman who is uncomfortable watching me masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy.
b) is uptight and a waste of time.
c) shouldn't have sat next to me on the bus in the first place.