He laid her on the table, so white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then felt her breast, and then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside, all was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands...And Streched his arms...And then he stuffed the turkey.
'Twas the Night before Christmas, And Santa's Pissed
Twas the night before Christmas
old Santa was pissed,
He cussd out the elves
and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..
The old lady bitches
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has AIDS
And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes,
If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?
And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM
If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.
I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass
And collect unemployment
There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....
A Drunk's Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottle of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came loud a yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...
And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.
Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name:
"On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain't got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!
Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, we've still got a long haul!"
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.
And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.
He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didn't fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.
Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.
But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
"Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!"
