....Is it cheating????
I ask because someone I know has just discovered some extremley graphic emails and is beside herself.
She has confronted her partner who gave her the usual, "its not what you think, we havent met, I love you", etc etc.
She is insisting, even if it is 'only' online he's cheated. He's insisting he's being very stupid and given assurances it wont happen again and has told her anything he can do to put her mind at rest, she only has to say and it will be done.
I think he's a stupid and selfish man and he's betrayed her trust and knowing her as I do, she is going to take some convincing that he's telling the truth.
So, cheating or not?
In my own situation my thoughts are that if it doesnt include me and I don't know about it....its cheating.
xxx
I'm not sure I'd call it cheating. Maybe it's a preamble to cheating or maybe the emails are enough to fill a need and it won't go any further. Either way if you share your life with someone it's far better for the relationship if you don't have secrets.
Uk wineman puts it very well, from his point of view and I would agree mostly but I don't think it is a breach of trust either. Cyber sex is not real, it's like saying flirting is cheating or kissing someone else is cheating. Cheating in my book is when you go all out to decieve in a real life situation, fully aware of consequences etc. Now I'm not saying that cyber sex or flirting can't develop into something much more serious and dangerous and in a number of cases I'm sure it does, but in itself I dont regard it as cheating or betrayal just fun.
It is their relationship only they can decide what their boundaries are.
Even swingers have boundaries about who can and can't be fucked and what constitutes swinging and what is being unfaithful etc etc....
If she thinks it is cheating then it is cheating. He needs to either stobbit or get with someone who is happy for that to happen within their relationship.
I enjoy a bit flirt, I'm a swinger, I enjoy dirty talk and this and that.. but... I always tell Jay about it, if there are emails he always reads them. I hide nothing. If either of us has fun online we tell each other about it, that's another part of the fun factor afterwards for us (if you know what I mean... :rascal: )
It wasn't always like that, in the beginning I once found out Jay had had sexy chats with a lady who isn't a member anymore but hadn't told me, there was no secret to it he just hadn't thought. We were new to swinging and in the early ironing out stages.
I think it's a total breach of trust Hel hun, she has every right to be upset but she should give them both a chance to talk about it and come to a solution.
Relate can be really good at helping you sort out this kind of stuff.
Relate can be really good at helping you sort out this kind of stuff.
This is one of those horrible situations which occurs with many couples.
The evidence is damning and inescapable. What is so insidious is that one is punished as much for thinking as doing.
Is that fair? We could all imagine unbelievable fantasies of the most obscene kind, yet we go unpunished. Because there is no evidence.
In real terms the one who discovers it has reasonable grounds to suspect cheating, and subsequently must set about the process of satisfying themselves what they need to do next.
Its unfortunate for the unsuspecting, as they will inevitably feel victimised. But its a common thing for couples to go through, and most survive it well enough, and in many cases it strengthens bonds between partners.
The offender is compelled to fess up and often does better by simply admitting cheating whether it has happened or not. This removes the 'lying' aspect from the process and allows the victim to move onto making a decision.
The level headed couple recognise the situation as being an opportunity to examine their relationship and set new rules to live by. So they prevail over the problem. A weak partnership will simply fall apart at the seams.
I feel that if a couple are in a monogamous relationship and have started the relationship as being there only for each other then to go and share that intimacy with somebody else, even if only online, is cheating. And if he can think about doing it online then the next progression is surely to meet up and carry out what they`ve talked about.
I hope they can talk as openly as they need to but anger and resentment is going to hinder that.
Yes, it is, in a way.
Obviously, by virtue of the fact that we're having this discussion on a swingers' site, I would imagine that for most people here, the definition of cheating is not about the act but about the level of openness with which it is performed. Many of us here I'd have thought are happy for our partner to have sex with someone else as long as we're involved too, or present, or aware, or in some cases even made aware afterwards. But if we weren't aware and hadn't kind of given our consent for it to happen then it's a different matter.
It's not really about what he actually did. It's about the fact that it was behind her back. In many situations I would have been (and was) ok with (in fact turned on by) my ex fucking other men. But if I'd have found a series of erotic emails to someone else that she'd never told me about I would have felt very hurt. I totally sympathise with your friend feeling betrayed.
Just a little point in the other direction - if you read mail that isn't intended for your eyes, you're often going to find something that upsets you. Any feeling of betrayal has to be tempered by the awareness that in snooping you've yourself betrayed the trust of the other person. I speak from experience - I did that once, found something I didn't like, couldn't talk to my ex about it because I shouldn't have read it in the first place, and couldn't get it out of my head either. Very bad idea. Never again.
I would say cheating as its the thought an intention of it... how many times have I seen written here in the forums that sex is a mind as well a physical experience? It can also be seen as betrayal and cause a lot of hurt if found out...
Plus whilst a person is busy having cybersex etc they are spending time with another and taking that away from a partner an family...
If everyone knows an the person has permission thats different...
