As a background to this my ex best friends daughter was pregnant with twins.
My ex best friend was a former heroin addict so has some understanding of addictions
Recently we had a falling out, i was apparently rude to her whilst drunk, previously she has always forgiven such indiscretions, as she has an understanding of addictions. Because of her changing attitute to my problems we have not spoken since.
Now in life i have a policy, no going back. Once i fall out with someone thats it, no going back, no making up, no regrets. It has lost me a lot of friends / relationships / aquaintances but it has also made things not drag on which they shouldn't IMO.
For example when i was forced out of a job a while back by a minority, i cut everyone from that job off, i have contacted nobody from that place since whether they had crossed me or not, whether they were friends or not.
In line with my policy i had cut my friend out of my life completely expecting never to contact her again or be contacted by her again.
Now this week i get this message
"(name removed)..............lost the twins 2 weeks ago. and she also has hodgkins, (cancer of the neck)"
Now i'm in a connundrum, i never go backwards but is this a friend in need and therefore i should break my policy.
I'm reluctant to do so as once a policies broken its open to be broken again and again!!!
She also waited 2 weeks to tell me about the twins, was this just an info bulletin or a call for sympathy / help? Surely if help / support was required i would have been told about the twins earlier?
What would you do given the circumstances and my beliefs re once its over its over?
Maybe i should start one of those much maligned polls!!!
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Dilemma, help needed please
The big question is, how important is this relationship to you? You've already said it, your way of thinking has lost you countless friends etc. over the years. It does however, also depend on the magnitude of the fall out. Hey, people fall out all the time. But just how lonely do you want to be?
Quote by McGuinness
Now in life i have a policy, no going back. Once i fall out with someone thats it, no going back, no making up, no regrets. It has lost me a lot of friends / relationships / aquaintances but it has also made things not drag on which they shouldn't IMO.
For example when i was forced out of a job a while back by a minority, i cut everyone from that job off, i have contacted nobody from that place since whether they had crossed me or not, whether they were friends or not.
In line with my policy i had cut my friend out of my life completely expecting never to contact her again or be contacted by her again.
Well I have my principles, but it sounds like this one is costing you dear. Perhaps it is time to break it. I was forced out of a job that I loved last year, & I have many friends that still work there, & I would not dream of cutting them. In fact when word got around that I was being kicked out, so many people came up to me & said how sorry they were, because they all thought I was going to be promoted. This meant a hell of a lot to me, & gave me a real lift at a time when I was taking quite a kicking.
On the subject of your ex-best friend, I have always been prepared to continue a friendship even though it may no longer be a close & intimate one. I would obviously give that person some (a lot perhaps) support, but then I am clearly a very different person from you. Ultimately of course, it is your decision, but I do feel it may an appropriate time to try putting that particular principle aside & see how things go.
As an aside, if it is Hodgkins Lymphoma there is a chance of survival. My best pal, whom I only see on average once a year, is now clear of cancer. However he has Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma............... & that type he know will definitely reoccur, & there is apparently no cure.
I can't quite understand the philosophy at work here... but I respect you right to chose it.
If it were me, friendship transcends petty squabbles and dented pride as it's the one true thing that separates us from savages. And when it's good, it's worth hanging onto... Some of my pals have saved my life and my sanity when I wake in a sweat at 3am, you know.
Your pal, (ex pal), must be going frantic with worry and have all kinds of shit going on in her head. Logical thought goes out the window and all she needs is a hug. She knew how you felt but she's desparate...
Up to you...
Hxx
If it were me, friendship transcends petty squabbles and dented pride as it's the one true thing that separates us from savages. And when it's good, it's worth hanging onto... Some of my pals have saved my life and my sanity when I wake in a sweat at 3am, you know.
Your pal, (ex pal), must be going frantic with worry and have all kinds of shit going on in her head. Logical thought goes out the window and all she needs is a hug. She knew how you felt but she's desparate...
Up to you...
Hxx
Sex God
Ooh, toughy.
Well, it looks like it is written as an informative txt if that is all it said. Now you know about it what are you going to do?
You obviously take things deep to heart. But it is a friend in need, maybe you did have a falling out but true friends are hard to come by and you did say he was a best friend.
I would call, see what kind of reception you get and take it from there. You might get shot down in flames.
Maybe this is a cry for help and you should make the exception.
Gill x
Well, it looks like it is written as an informative txt if that is all it said. Now you know about it what are you going to do?
You obviously take things deep to heart. But it is a friend in need, maybe you did have a falling out but true friends are hard to come by and you did say he was a best friend.
I would call, see what kind of reception you get and take it from there. You might get shot down in flames.
Maybe this is a cry for help and you should make the exception.
Gill x
Personally to me it sounds like a friend in real need.
This person sounds like they need you,they probably didnt call you before as they were plucking up the courage to call you,not sure how you would react.
Its entirely your choice,but if you do help out this friend with by the sounds of it some much needed support,then youll most probably be very glad you did it in the long run.
Good luck with however you choose to handle this.
This person sounds like they need you,they probably didnt call you before as they were plucking up the courage to call you,not sure how you would react.
Its entirely your choice,but if you do help out this friend with by the sounds of it some much needed support,then youll most probably be very glad you did it in the long run.
Good luck with however you choose to handle this.
Policy?What POLICY?Written in stone?
I've taken slight and cut people out of my life - and for what?What point did it make?Who lost out in the end?
And when will I write a sentence in this post that doesn't end in a question mark?
In this case,climb down from this self imposed position,its pointless,it really is.
The times I have I'm glad I have.
The times I haven't I dwell on and regret,even years later,and the good memories are tainted by my "stance" that cost me so dear.
I hope I'm a better person never too late is it?
I've taken slight and cut people out of my life - and for what?What point did it make?Who lost out in the end?
And when will I write a sentence in this post that doesn't end in a question mark?
In this case,climb down from this self imposed position,its pointless,it really is.
The times I have I'm glad I have.
The times I haven't I dwell on and regret,even years later,and the good memories are tainted by my "stance" that cost me so dear.
I hope I'm a better person never too late is it?
Sex God
McGuiness
i'm not gonna try and advise you, cos i can't. but i understand where you're coming from.
i tend to let people get away with too much, but in the end, i try and give 'em enough rope to hang themselves, and once they do that, well that's it. see ya. i also used to compromise too much, and compromised too much of myself in the process. now compromising on anything at all can become a bit of an issue that i have to think about hard.
all i can tell you is that despite that, if someone i'd fallen out with came back to me in need, i'd probably feel their need, and the old friendship, would be more important to me than the fall out. the fact she waited 2 weeks to tell you is maybe cos she knows where you're likely to be on this, and was reluctant to put either of you in this situation?
neil x x x ;)
i'm not gonna try and advise you, cos i can't. but i understand where you're coming from.
i tend to let people get away with too much, but in the end, i try and give 'em enough rope to hang themselves, and once they do that, well that's it. see ya. i also used to compromise too much, and compromised too much of myself in the process. now compromising on anything at all can become a bit of an issue that i have to think about hard.
all i can tell you is that despite that, if someone i'd fallen out with came back to me in need, i'd probably feel their need, and the old friendship, would be more important to me than the fall out. the fact she waited 2 weeks to tell you is maybe cos she knows where you're likely to be on this, and was reluctant to put either of you in this situation?
neil x x x ;)
Orgasminator
Hi there this really is a toughy aint it.....But in all fairness to you I think u have to stick by what u think is the "right" thing to do... It does sound like you were given an informatative (pardon the spelling) text pet... and therefore now you know what you gonna do about it kinda thing....Personally i'd be eaten up inside and therefore i can empathise with u.... Your policies have stood firm with you in the past and yes this person had become a "best friend".. but i'm sorry the world is full of people and any 1 of them could potentially be your next best friend....
The only advice i can really offer you pet.... is trust your heart... it might be the toughest thing you've ever had to face.. but don't leave it too long to make your decision (which u probably have already made in your heart) because if you do help your friend you shouldn't need to think about it....
Am I being too hard????
Pauline xpx
The only advice i can really offer you pet.... is trust your heart... it might be the toughest thing you've ever had to face.. but don't leave it too long to make your decision (which u probably have already made in your heart) because if you do help your friend you shouldn't need to think about it....
Am I being too hard????
Pauline xpx
Stop being so stubborn and ring the poor woman.
This is someone who was once your best friend. We're all allowed to make mistakes and we're all entitled to some compassion.
This bloody "policy" reminds me of someone I know. It's a bit too close to home so I'm not going into full rant mode but basically - don't be a cold-hearted b*stard - ring her! If she's unresponsive then so what? She's been to hell and back, your pride isn't that significant at the moment.
This is someone who was once your best friend. We're all allowed to make mistakes and we're all entitled to some compassion.
This bloody "policy" reminds me of someone I know. It's a bit too close to home so I'm not going into full rant mode but basically - don't be a cold-hearted b*stard - ring her! If she's unresponsive then so what? She's been to hell and back, your pride isn't that significant at the moment.
I've been trying to put my answer into words. Like you, I have (had) a "don't go back" attitude. Mainly to old/ex girlfriends or wives.
Some of the people in the cafe know something of my relationship with CarrieAnn and the fact that we have both "gone back"
While I was thinking of the best I could say - Marya beat me to it:
Some of the people in the cafe know something of my relationship with CarrieAnn and the fact that we have both "gone back"
While I was thinking of the best I could say - Marya beat me to it:
Quote by Marya
Stop being so stubborn and ring the poor woman.
This is someone who was once your best friend. We're all allowed to make mistakes and we're all entitled to some compassion.
This bloody "policy" reminds me of someone I know. It's a bit too close to home so I'm not going into full rant mode but basically - don't be a cold-hearted b*stard - ring her! If she's unresponsive then so what? She's been to hell and back, your pride isn't that significant at the moment.
I think there's a time for a "don't go back" attitude and there's a time to maintain old relationships. Obviously, only you can decide which occaision this is - but at the end of the day, a self-imposed rule shouldn't be taken as gospel truth to be obeyed at all times. Rules can never accurately model the complexities of real life and if you stick to them too rigidly, there'll always be cases where they have an undesired affect.
This is Tom
My policy has always been to avoid giving advice so it's taken me a bit of thought before putting fingers to keyboard.
However, if your friend was bleeding then, still friends or not, you would provide a bandage wouldn't you? If you could.
It seems to me your friend needs a bandage right now.
Tom
My policy has always been to avoid giving advice so it's taken me a bit of thought before putting fingers to keyboard.
However, if your friend was bleeding then, still friends or not, you would provide a bandage wouldn't you? If you could.
It seems to me your friend needs a bandage right now.
Tom
Thanks for the answers guys
I think i will text her tomorrow after work
The not going back has protected me in the past. if contact is not kept with ex's and people that have crossed me then i cannot be hurt / crossed again, simple plan but it works.
Guess this time i might make an exception! Got tonight to think about it first though
I think i will text her tomorrow after work
The not going back has protected me in the past. if contact is not kept with ex's and people that have crossed me then i cannot be hurt / crossed again, simple plan but it works.
Guess this time i might make an exception! Got tonight to think about it first though
Sex God
Quote by McGuinness
Thanks for the answers guys
I think i will text her tomorrow after work
The not going back has protected me in the past. if contact is not kept with ex's and people that have crossed me then i cannot be hurt / crossed again, simple plan but it works.
Guess this time i might make an exception! Got tonight to think about it first though
my last comment on here.
i fully understand that mate, i really do. i also know that sometimes it can hurt more in the end not going back.
hope things turn out ok for all of you fella!
neil x x x ;)
The cutting people out policy might seem healthy to you, but really it is not. Sometimes you need to cut out people who try to hurt you, or whose differences you cannot resolve. But being a good friend is about working through the difficult times, and that includes the difficult times in your mutual relationship.
What you are doing is cutting and running every time things might get emotionaly difficult (and that includes work colegues as well).
If you want to grow as a person you need to help your friend out... she waited two weeks to tell you because she wanted to be sure she needed your help before she asked you... it was a very very brave step for her to take, reward her bravery and courage, don't cripple it.
Be careful how you approach the situation, but it is important that you do approach it... for your sake as well as hers.
What you are doing is cutting and running every time things might get emotionaly difficult (and that includes work colegues as well).
If you want to grow as a person you need to help your friend out... she waited two weeks to tell you because she wanted to be sure she needed your help before she asked you... it was a very very brave step for her to take, reward her bravery and courage, don't cripple it.
Be careful how you approach the situation, but it is important that you do approach it... for your sake as well as hers.
Sex God
Quote by Marya
Stop being so stubborn and ring the poor woman.
This is someone who was once your best friend. We're all allowed to make mistakes and we're all entitled to some compassion.
This bloody "policy" reminds me of someone I know. It's a bit too close to home so I'm not going into full rant mode but basically - don't be a cold-hearted b*stard - ring her! If she's unresponsive then so what? She's been to hell and back, your pride isn't that significant at the moment.
We agree yet again Marya
personally I think u can never have too many friends and part of a friendship is that u do disagree on things now and again. My friends don't always agree on some of the things I do but love me all the same for it cos the things i do don't make me a different person.
I lost a friend this year for reasons unknown, not heard from him since early April and it tore me apart. At the point in my life when I was really know and needed someone (my gran died) it was horrible knowing that he had decided not to have any contact with me. Still wonder if he's ok.
Basically life is too short to hold grudges, none of us are perfect
Quote by EnglishChris99
The cutting people out policy might seem healthy to you, but really it is not. Sometimes you need to cut out people who try to hurt you, or whose differences you cannot resolve. But being a good friend is about working through the difficult times, and that includes the difficult times in your mutual relationship.
What you are doing is cutting and running every time things might get emotionaly difficult (and that includes work colegues as well).
If you want to grow as a person you need to help your friend out... she waited two weeks to tell you because she wanted to be sure she needed your help before she asked you... it was a very very brave step for her to take, reward her bravery and courage, don't cripple it.
.
I couldn't of said it better mcguinness.......i hope you have called her.....EnglishChris99 has put into excellent words, many of the conversations i've had with you about just the same things....you DO cut and run when things get EMOTIONALLY difficult....it is the best summing up of you i've heard....take heed. thanks EnglishChris99. x
Well i went against my principles and contacted her
Now i feel like i've lost my dignity as my concern was not wanted
In future i will stick to my values
My partner says i will keep losing friends but at the end of the day at least my dignity will be intact and i won't get hurt over and over again if i don't let people cross me
Now i feel like i've lost my dignity as my concern was not wanted
In future i will stick to my values
My partner says i will keep losing friends but at the end of the day at least my dignity will be intact and i won't get hurt over and over again if i don't let people cross me
Quote by McGuinness
Well i went against my principles and contacted her
Now i feel like i've lost my dignity as my concern was not wanted
In future i will stick to my values
My partner says i will keep losing friends but at the end of the day at least my dignity will be intact and i won't get hurt over and over again if i don't let people cross me
you'll keep losing friends and won't have anyone to call a friend....we have to make changes in order to grow, change and develop..... you should be glad that you listened and acted on the good decision that you made to contact her..... you have done the right thing...don't let the lack of response make you bitter yet again.... you hurt yourself when you cut people off, you know you do.... you said earlier that this person understood about addictions etc and had previously put up with lots of crap from you, well, you have to put up with the waiting now...its not a game, its friendship...sometimes we dont hear from people for a long time, but we dont all cut them off.....after all, why should she, or anyone else, put up with crap from you because they "understand"..... you make it sound like they owe you??? its all about give and take mcguinness.....turn it round, listen and be there for your friends, the rewards will enhance your life, not destoy it. Good luck in your quest. x
Listen here mcguinness,im a great beliver in letting bygones be bygones and i have plenty reasons not to,but human nature,as it is doesnt allow the heart to mourn or debate wether u have convictions or not,ppl around u know what ure feeling are and it most likely took the girl a lot of soul searching wether to tell u or not,thats what friends do,they seek ure heart not what u normally do or dont ,get on a bus,taxi,take car,hell come and get mine if needed and give her the shoulder shes looking for(obviously she feels ure a friend),see ure point about work places as im the same once left thats it but friends are FRIENDS,and sometimes friends are all we if ive said thing that have already been mentioned but i skipped most of thread,
mr disco and mrs (agrees with memakes a change)
mr disco and mrs (agrees with memakes a change)
