Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for
department areas, we are forced to cut down on our
number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to
take early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our
future. Therefore, a program to phase out older
personnel by the end of the current fiscal year,
via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged
Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given
the opportunity to look for jobs outside the
company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of t! heir
employment records before actual retirement takes
place. This review phase of the program is called
SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and
SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may
be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED
as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she
will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for
Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans,
any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no
longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees
who remain on board that the company will continue
its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take
pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.
We have given our employees more SHIT than any
company in this area. If any employee feels they do
not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your
immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure
you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of
service with us.
Sex God
:D :D 