A Sunday League football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact
that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the
chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own
line, the next threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a
perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto
the pitch for the second half.
On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult
finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before
work".
"What do you do then?" asked the ref.
"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.
At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the
chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start
complaining.
"Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - Professional fowl".
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Funny
Sex God
Both my fav incorrect jokes are about the same person and were both in an old book from the eighties called Outrageously Tasteless Jokes.
Stevie Wonder picked up a cheese grater and said it was the most violent novel he had ever read!
STEVIE WONDERS AUTOGRAPH FOR SALE ............................
Stevie Wonder picked up a cheese grater and said it was the most violent novel he had ever read!
STEVIE WONDERS AUTOGRAPH FOR SALE ............................
Ok here we go.
Man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bar tender asks him if he wants to take part in their special game of darts to win free beer all night. "OK what do I do?" asks the customer.
The bar tender explains. "On the ceiling of the bar you can see several large pieces of meat. If you can throw three darts upwards and they stick into the meat you win free beer for the whole night".
"And if I miss?" questions the customer.
"Well if you miss, then you must buy everyone in the bar a drink" replies the bar tender.
The customer pauses, looks up to the meat in the ceiling and says "Sorry mate, the steaks are too high!".
My work here is done.
Ian_Mids
Man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bar tender asks him if he wants to take part in their special game of darts to win free beer all night. "OK what do I do?" asks the customer.
The bar tender explains. "On the ceiling of the bar you can see several large pieces of meat. If you can throw three darts upwards and they stick into the meat you win free beer for the whole night".
"And if I miss?" questions the customer.
"Well if you miss, then you must buy everyone in the bar a drink" replies the bar tender.
The customer pauses, looks up to the meat in the ceiling and says "Sorry mate, the steaks are too high!".
My work here is done.
Ian_Mids
Orgasminator
Quote by Kinky Lizard
What's the difference between batman and a scouser?
Batman sometimes goes out without robin tsk tsk!
KinkyLizard
:rotflmao: 2 women walking home after a night out, dying for a pee, so they ducked into the graveyard, obviously there was no loo roll so one used her knickers and the other grabbed a ribbon from a wreath and used that.
The next evening their husbands were out and one said to the other "I'll have to keep an eye on my wife, she came home last night with no knickers on".
The other replied, "you think thats bad? mine came home with a card stuck up her arse"
"What did it say" asked his mate
"from all the lads at the firestation, we're really gonna miss you".
My Ad 82788
The next evening their husbands were out and one said to the other "I'll have to keep an eye on my wife, she came home last night with no knickers on".
The other replied, "you think thats bad? mine came home with a card stuck up her arse"
"What did it say" asked his mate
"from all the lads at the firestation, we're really gonna miss you".
My Ad 82788
Casanova
One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He
asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
Gentleman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along," the rich man replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well, all the better!" the rich man answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as a limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich man and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied, "Glad to do it! You'll really love my place; the
grass is almost a foot high!".....
who said the old ones are the best
along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He
asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
Gentleman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along," the rich man replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well, all the better!" the rich man answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as a limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich man and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied, "Glad to do it! You'll really love my place; the
grass is almost a foot high!".....
who said the old ones are the best
