A Do it Yourself Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the
problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in an empty beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Scunthorpe, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales .
Living in 2005
You know you're living in 2005 when...
1 You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3 You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
4 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5 Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6 When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7 When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial " 0 " to get an outside line.
8 You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10 You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news .
11 Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12 Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. AND..............
13 You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14 As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15 You got this list from someone you've never met except in cyberspace.
16 You are too busy to notice there was no #9
17 You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
18 AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends ..you know you want to
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Giggle Zone
Sex God
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: The list is so true and I have to admit to doing the whole thing including the scrolling up!!!
Help - get me back to the 12th Century!
Roger the Dragon
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Yup I am guilty of it as well...
My .02 worth and before anyone decides to flame me, I am an equal opportunity slagger - I will make fun of anyone anywhere - normally using myself as the target.
Why do Scots wear kilts? Cuz sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish wake? One less drunk
Sexlightened
teeheehee that's funny...
both the joke, and the list.
both the joke, and the list.
ops: :oops: :oops: :oops:Quote by Katien_n_John
Oi!!
Less of the Scouse jokes please
Or Irish or Worcs or Swedish
Thats me covered!
OI................ dont even go there ya mangy ole rag, my better half is irish, n u where the one takin the piss out of the wilshire folks
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:No!
I happen to know she is British!
Good Girl!
:flipa: :flipa:
: :?: 
An older lady named Pat, gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.
Older! Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.
Older! Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
