Someone replies to a voice add and then emails the advertiser a photo of them drinking bleach... with a message "I hope this turns you on and we can meet and have a good time."
The person who placed the ad writes back and says "what the hell are you doing, you will kill yourself doing that!"
The crazy person with the deathwish says "I thought you said you wanted a Harpic swigger?"
No, you fool, I said "hardened swinger!"
There was this guy who was on a pilgrimage to Canterbury in Chaucer's day.
He told a story to the other pilgrims about a real minger who was on his last pilgrimage and who went to see a Pardoner so that he could buy forgiveness for all his misdeeds and sins.
Well the story was long and convoluted and eventually when he finished and waited to receive a few slaps on the back for telling such a rollicking story, all he got in response was "No, yer fool,yer twat. I told you to tell a story about a hardened swinger"!
:P
Ah well, they recon you are what you eat.
And I'm definately a CUNT!
Ok, cant resist it, got have my pathetic attempt -
"Whats the problem I fullfill all the criteria from your ad, I'm a vocalist from Belgium...........
thats right, I'm an Ardennes Singer!"
"No I said ......................."
:cry:
Sorry!
What do yer get if you cross Vinny Jones , Jade Goody and some random asshole ?
.............a hard , dense , sphincter.
I had an absolute blaster for this one earlier but didn't have time. A bottle and a half of red later i can't remember it. Will get back to ya!!
Man comes in and finds his wife shagging next doors spaniel.
"What do you think you're doing shagging a dog!" he says.
"Well you told me to go out and find a hard-oned springer to help you out!"
"No you fool.............................."
The Lord is lying in bed with his mistress. “My Dear†he says “you have been a joy in my heart for many a year and never asked for anything from me. Tell me what would make you happy?†The mistress whispers in the Lords ear and he replies “Really? Are you sure? The mistress smiles a cheeky smile.
The Lord calls for his butler “Peeves, I what you to go into town and …†he then whispers in the butler’s ear.
Two hours later Peeves returns and tells his master of his success. The Lord turns to his mistress and says “close your eyes my dear†.Peeves enters the room followed by a huge burly woman with armpit hair down to her waist and the ugliest face on the planet. The woman removes her clothes to reveal a overgrown bush of pubic hair and wanders over to the mistress. Just as the woman is about to mount the mistress’s face the mistress takes a sneaky peak – “Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhh!†screams the mistress as she bolts from the bed “You fool, I said hardened swinger!â€
You've all done so well I won't try and compete, instead I'll put my own joke in.
Why are Pirates called Pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRRE!
Darby and Joan, the oldest swingers in town, were having a bit of a session (on their own for once). Unfortunately Darby was finding it a bit dull and couldn't get it up but Joan was OK - she had her turbo Rabbit in hand (and a few other places as well!).
All of a sudden :shock: the batteries went flat on the Rabbit leaving poor little Joanie hanging a bit. Darby was really worried 'cos he knew how evil she could be when unfulfilled.
"What can I do my dear?" he implores nestling up close to her in an effort to ingratiate himself. In a wheezy whisper of frustration she quietly utters her instruction in his ear. Unfortunately it was his deaf one - old Darbs had noticed that he'd been getting deaf in his left ear ever since he started having penile dysfunction - couldn't understand it.
Joan lies there legs akimbo with a puzzled look on her face as Darby slips on his mac and goes out the front door - she'd fully expected him to sit at the PC and log on to SH.
Darby shuffles on down to the local athletics track and spies someone in the field - a javelin thrower practising. He sidles over and says.
"Do you really like what you are doing here - I mean really, really like it?"
"Yes I love it - it's my life." Came the husky response.
"Well would you like to come back and shag my wife, Joan, then please? She needs you."
" Errrr yeah - sure came the predictable response."
"Mind you, you really like what you do here though don't you?" The athlete nodded and picked up his sweatshirt.
Minutes later Darby and the javelin thrower are standing in front of a puzzled Joan.
"Here you are dear - I managed to find exactly what you asked for - and ardent flinger...."
"No, you fool - I said.........
Yeah I know - groans all 'round!! I'm sure I had a better one last night - but I lost it two and a half bottles of wine back.
I think we should all request Ice's version!!!!
Damien Hursts Missus is laid on the bed , sussies , see through teddy , huge dildo and plenty of KY on the nightstand and the video cam set up on the tripod.
All ready for her first threesome . Theres a commotion on the stairs and a huge crash as Damien comes through the door . Damien lies there clutching his back and next to him on the floor is an enormous block of perspex containing the body of an Orangutan .
" You fuckwit Damien ! INSERT PUNCHLINE HERE"
The doorbell rang at precisely midday.
"Great," said Bill, "she's right on time." Bill and Sally exchanged winks and smiles as they made their way to the front door to meet their guest.
"Hello. I'm Ruth. Are you Bill and Sally, voice ad number 12345?"
"Yes that's us. My wife and I have been so looking forward to meeting you. From your email it seems you are definitely what we need."
"I hope so." said Ruth, "As I mentioned, I have quite a lot of experience helping couples with your particular problem."
"Well, it's not really a problem," Sally explained,"it's just that he's so rampant all the time, and although I love the attention, I'm only little and he kinda wears me out, if you know what I mean?"
"Yes," said Bill, slightly embarassed, "it seems I'm a bit too much for her."
"And so you advertised for a way to take some of the pressure off her, as it were." said Ruth. "Well, that's what I'm here for. Shall we get started?"
"Oh." said Sally, a little surprised, "You are keen aren't you? Shall we go to the bedroom?"
"No, the sofa will be fine." said Ruth. "Bill, do you have a hard-on right now?"
Bill was somewhat taken aback by the rapid pace of the proceedings, but quickly recovered his composure. "Er, no, not at the moment, I wasn't really expecting..."
"Sally, will you do the honours for me. I need him to be hard. As quick as you can. Thanks."
"Blimey," said Sally, giggling, "you don't waste any time, do you?" Sally motioned Bill towards the sofa and knelt in front of him as he sat down. "What do you think then, Ruth?" she asked as she unzipped her husband and took out his monstrous phallus. "Impressive isn't it?"
"It certainly is." Ruth nodded approvingly. "I can see why a little thing like you would need help with a whopper like that."
"You aint seen nothing yet!" said Bill, smugly, "Just give her a minute and it'll be twice that size. Do your stuff, babe."
Under the careful ministrations of Sally's lips and tongue, Bill quickly swelled to his full stature. "Now then Ruth," said a widely grinning Sally, "Do you still think you have what it takes to help me out with this?"
"Well, it's certainly a challenge, but I think I can handle it." said Ruth, reaching into her handbag and producing a vaguely phallic and complicated looking contraption. "Stand aside please, Sally."
Bill and Sally eyed each other quizzically as Ruth placed the device over Bill's member and flipped a switch. Motors whirred, air hissed, Sally's eyes widened and Bill's threatened to pop out of his head. "Jesus!" Bill cried, "What the hell is that?"
"It's my own invention," Ruth said proudly, "It has a small but very powerful air compressor. The squeezing sensation you feel is the effect of 20 bars of pressure all over your cock."
"Er, OK, then what happens?" asked Bill, becoming slightly uncomfortable.
"Well," said Ruth, "the pressure does two things. First it squeezes and compresses the flesh along the entire length, then I switch to higher setting, which pushes most of your erection into your body, leaving about this much..." she held up her thumb and forefinger, not very far apart, "...protruding."
"What!" Sally exclaimed. "What the hell do you want to do that for?"
"Well," said Ruth, slightly confused, "You did want me to shrink his hard-on, didn't you?"
"Oh My God! It's a hard-on shrinker!" Bill cried. "No, you fool, I said..."
erm.............i carnt think of anything but i came across this:
louxxx
:whistling: :whistling: 
(John)
that's gotta be the best yet!! 
ops: