Taken unashamedly from the pages of the Daily MASH - We highly reccomend it as regular reading to all. -
As Action for Happiness, a mass movement to improve general wellbeing, unveiled its list of 10 steps to contentment, researchers stressed that everyone would absolutely hate it and them.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It includes things like 'giving', 'relating' and 'exercising'. It says we should 'appreciate' local wildlife, set 'goals' for ourselves, learn 'a language'.
"It does seem that they may have mistaken us for a bunch of fucking Blue Peter presenters. 'Yeah, let's all be really active, engaged, socially aware citizens'.
"Piss off, you freaks."
Meanwhile, our own Institute for Studies has compiled its own 10 Quick Steps to Easy Happiness:
So many options. With a chum, in a public lavatory. At home alone is nice too.
2. Television
Have you seen WHITE VAN MAN? It's the balls.
3. Meat
Take time to appreciate the animal life around you and then eat it in a bun.
4. Foreigners
Impersonate their ridiculous accents and accuse them of .
5. Give up
Having a goal in life is stressful. And annoying. No-one cares if you're 'successful' and neither should you.
6. Ignorance
The more you know about the world the more horrifying it becomes. Learn nothing and persecute the intelligent.
7. Smugness
You're brilliant and everyone else is an arse.
8. Power
Be part of something bigger - like a club or society - and then rule it with an iron fist.
9. Just be, like, you know, happy
It may seem like a grotesque over-simplification, but it is better than being sad.
10. 'Fuck off'
If you meet anyone who is a member of Action for Happiness, tell them to 'fuck off'. You will feel fantastic
