This holiday happened a long time ago but it remains in my mind as one of the best ones I went on in my youth.
I had just finished a six week stint on exercise in Canada and we were packing to go home. My boss came up and said that a spare place had come up on the External Leadership (also known as Adventure Holiday) course, would I like to go on it. Would I like to go on it? He must have been simple, of course I fecking would.
I popped down to the offices that was organising it. Got my name down and chose my three activities. I chose parachuting, horse riding and Canadian canoeing. I got all my stuff together and joined the rest of the people heading off. I was so excited.
The first thing was the parachuting. I chose this to try and get over my fear of heights. This consisted of four jumps over five days.
The first day was the practice and learning day. We arrived; me correctly dressed in shorts, sandals and tee-shirt. They must give you jumping gear. Do they feck! You jump in what you have got. So practice starts. We go through all the drills of how to jump, what to do if something goes wrong and how to pack a parachute. I was very good at the practice and flew through all the theory with no problems. The only thing I did notice, was the aircraft (if you can call it that) what we were practising on had one wing, no windows and slightly bashed in. The instructor told us it was one that had crashed!!!!! Oh ffs, that is all I wanted to hear. We all packed a parachute at the end of the day and got told to remember which one you packed as this was the one you will jump with the next day. I looked at the bag of bollocks in my hand and made a mental note I will grab someone elses in the morning. That night we had the instructor giving us some funny anecdotes of past learners who had jumped and hit the ground without the chute opening. This really impressed me, the twat. I made another mental note, Piss in his beer when he goes to the toilet.
Day two arrived and off we went to the jump centre. We arrived, I ran off that bus and got to the parachute room before anyone else and picked one that looked nothing like the one I had packed the night before, and headed into the hanger. We were all put into sticks of six and told when we were heading off. I was in the first stick. Best to get it over first. We were numbered off one to six. I got number six so I was jumping last. We were led out of the hanger and to the plane. I was walking behind number five, when I noticed this bag of bollocks on his back. Well, at least I will see if the thing opens. Did I feel nasty? I do now, but not at the time, self-preservation and all that. We reached the aircraft. Aircraft? There was nothing to it. It looked like the Skoda of the skies. It was rusty and bits and bobs were hanging off it. I was starting to feel uneasy now. We all clambered in with me in the tail section. The pilot gave us the drill if something happened to the aircraft while we were going up. If it was above 2500 foot then we all jump out (I now wished I was number one) or if below 2500 then we stay with the aircraft and we pray loudly. I started to feel more uneasy. At last he said "Lets go", at which point he started the aircraft.......just that it didn't start. It sounded like my old Maestro on a cold morning. After 3 attempts, he shouts over to a mate who grabs hold of the propeller and starts swinging it around.......with no ignition at all. I really start to fell uneasy now. They then bring out a pick up truck. I thought there must be equipment on it to start the engine. Not at all........that would be professional. They lift the bonnet on the pick-up and lift the bonnet on the aircraft (is it a bonnet) and fit on some jump leads. The uneasiness has now turned to blind panic. I am sat in the back trying to breathe.....but it is just coming out in short intakes of breath. The engine starts.......then die.......then starts.....then dies......then starts and keeps going. I really want to get off now. The aircraft trundles on to the runway and builds up speed......the pilot shouts something to the jumpmaster and he starts screaming for everybody to move towards the front as the rear of the aircraft is too heavy. My god.......we are going to die. We finally lift off after we had cleared the runway and travelled half way down some shitty field bouncing all over the place. I was crapping myself. We headed up into the sky. It took about 15 minutes or so to get up to 4-5000 feet. That is when the fun bit starts. Numbers 1-5 jump......I have a quick look to see if number 5's chute has opened......it has.......lucky fecker. Then it is my turn.
The way that this worked is that they fly in an oval route......up and down the runway. When they turn, you get ready, move up to the doorway, lean out and hold on to the strut of the wing. You then take your feet off the step so you are now hanging off the strut in the shape of a star. At this point the aircraft has to fly straight and can't turn while someone is hanging on. When the jumpmaster says "Now", you look up at the smiley face they have painted under the wing and let go. The jump master then lets go of your pilot chute that then deploys your main chute. That's the theory.
My turn. He beckons me closer. I reach the door and climb out. I grab hold of the strut and take my feet off the step. All going well. The jumpmaster then leads out and shouts "Now".........I look up and..........feck all.......I am still hanging there. He shouts "Now" I look up again.......my head is saying let go.......but my fingers are digging into the strut. The loadmaster gets a bit frustrated. He shouts "Let go you little fucker".........no fecking chance.......I am clinging on for dear life. I try to get my feet back up onto the step. I succeed. The jumpmaster kicks them off. I try again........he kicks them off again.......I try again........he kicks them off........I am now thinking "I want to belt you, you twat". He leans over on the strut and shouts at me........ "Nobody gets out of my aircraft and then gets back in"........want to bet I thought. This has been going on for a while. If you read back, you will remember that I told you that the aircraft can't turn with someone holding on.......so at this point the airfield is nowhere to be seen. The jumpmaster tries a different tack. He starts to peel my fingers off........the bastard. He gets all my fingers of my left hand off and I am now hanging on with one hand. He heads for my other hand. As he does that, I swing my legs up and get one foot on the step........and then get my left hand back on. The jumpmaster has now lost the plot. He kicks my feet off again and he retires to the door with me hanging there. I can now see the pilot shouting to the jumpmaster. I can't hear what he was saying......but I heard the jumpmaster shout "The fucker is gonna jump". I was still hanging on. He tried another attack.......he started hammering at my fingers with his fists and kicking me about the left side with his feet. Fecking hell it hurt, but I was still hanging on. This lasted another couple of minutes. At some point, my strength just gave way, and the jumpmaster got his wish. I fell off the wing. All I can remember was me going "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, etc". To say I was scared was an understatement. Somewhere between me falling off and me regaining my senses.......the parachute had deployed. Then this voice said to me "Congratulations number six, you have made your first jump.......check canopy". I was floating down with my parachute half cocked i.e. not fully deployed.......you have to pull the steering cords down and let them go back up and then you float. All I could do was stare directly ahead.........and still in the star position. The radio burst into life again "Number six......check canopy". All I could do was stare straight ahead.........and fly off into the sunset. The ground operator was now screaming down the radio....... "Number six.....check your fucking canopy"........ I just ignored it as I was terrified. I looked out across the rolling plains of Canada........thinking to myself.........."I wonder where the feck I am going to end up". After what seemed like minutes......but must have only been seconds....... I decide to check my parachute. I think this was because the ground operators last words were "If you don't check that fucking canopy you will die". That was kind of persuasive. So I gingerly reached up, grabbed the handles and pulled down. This must have deployed the canopy fully, I have no idea because I didn't look up, and then I just let go of the handles and let the parachute go in whatever direction it was going to take me. I slowly descended, but flew in a straight line away from the runway. This flight took a few minutes and I remember thinking that the world did look lovely from this height, and I started to like the ride. After a while, I did notice that the ground was getting closer. The training started to come back into my mind. When you got near the ground you had to do something that's called a "flare". This stalls the chute and places you gently on the ground. I was starting to get worried again. I sat in the harness, waiting and wondering what I should do, when the radio burst into life and the ground operator shouted "Flare you fucker"........ I pulled with all my might........the parachute stalled and I landed perfectly on the ground.
I WAS FECKING STILL ALIVE
At this point, a gust of wind took my chute and pulled me over. They fecking thing tried to take off again and I was pulled for about 100feet across the ground.......while wearing shorts and tee-shirt.......but did have trainers on this time. The gravel burns on my knees and elbows were horrendous. They stung like feck. The ground operator and another bloke came running over and got my chute deflated.......this stopped my horizontal direction movement. It was only at this point.......after they had collected my chute and I had stood up......that the airfield was no-where to be seen. However, there was the pick-up. I had flown for over five miles from the airfield with the ground operator in hot pursuit of me.
When I got back.......everyone was smirking. The jumpmaster came up and said that in 30 years, he had never had a student hold on for so long. He wrote up my log book and put in it "After a hesitant release, he done a good count (Must have mistaken my fuck, fuck, fucks for a count) but failed to use the toggles for steering". Not a bad first entry I thought.
Oooooops.......just seen how long this has got. I had better shut up now. If you want to know how jumps 2, 3 & 4 and the horse riding and Canadian canoeing went.......then tell me and I will write them up........I don't want to bore you otherwise.
Dave_Notts
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Holiday Joy part 5
Orgasminator
Poor Dave.... you must be a glutton for punishment doing it again!
I was due to do a jump next month but had to pull out due to medical reasons.....I'm so glad I didn't read this before I was going to do it!!!!!!
Sex God
The thing is I can imagine your face while all this is going on
What a great story babes, And a great way to wake up. Ive got tears in my eyes laughing . ty darlin
:lol2: :lol2:
What a great story babes, And a great way to wake up. Ive got tears in my eyes laughing . ty darlin
:lol2: :lol2:
Casanova
Dave
Im sitting in bed pissing myself at your story, pls pls pls lets have the rest of it. A great start to my day. I even read it out to my daughter and she (who is not very well at the moment, even managed to laugh)
Thanks Dave
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Im sitting in bed pissing myself at your story, pls pls pls lets have the rest of it. A great start to my day. I even read it out to my daughter and she (who is not very well at the moment, even managed to laugh)
Thanks Dave
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote by Dave__Notts
They lift the bonnet on the pick-up and lift the bonnet on the aircraft (is it a bonnet)
It's called a cowling.
Quote by Dave__Notts
If you want to know how jumps 2, 3 & 4 and the horse riding and Canadian canoeing tell me and I will write them up…….I don’t want to bore you otherwise.
Dave_Notts
Of course we do, you fecker
Then this voice said to me “Congratulations number six, you have made your first canopyâ€. I was floating down with my parachute half cocked i.e. not fully deployed……you have to pull the steering cords down and let them go back up and then you float. All I could do was stare directly ahead……..and still in the star position. The radio burst into life again “Number six……check canopyâ€. All I could do was stare straight ahead……..
Is it me, or does everyone get text that looks like this?
Is it me, or does everyone get text that looks like this?
Quote by Laff_n_Chilli
it's taken me a good 20 mins to write this cos the tears in my eyes are blurring my vision
what a fabulous tale - cant wait for the next instalment - more more more
:haha: :haha:
This is an old thread Laff_n_Chilli....hello by the way
If you do a search for *holiday joy* with the authur of the thread you get the rest of them. All are hilarious and well worth a read!
Thank you to the kind person in chat for directing me to them
xanaisx
Quote by anais
it's taken me a good 20 mins to write this cos the tears in my eyes are blurring my vision
what a fabulous tale - cant wait for the next instalment - more more more
:haha: :haha:
This is an old thread Laff_n_Chilli....hello by the way
If you do a search for *holiday joy* with the authur of the thread you get the rest of them. All are hilarious and well worth a read!
Thank you to the kind person in chat for directing me to them
xanaisx
many thanks anais - and hi to you too :wave:
off for a good read
Sex God
This is what I was talking about at Notts
.
.
Sex God
Quote by anais
Have you read the others Tune? The *trots* one is quite amusing
xanaisx
They are less amusing when they (Dave_Notts and Alex_Northeast)happen at your house :shock: :lol:
Sex God
Quote by anais
This is what I was talking about at Notts
.
Have you read the others Tune? The *trots* one is quite amusing
:lol: xanaisx
Yes I have. I was talking to Dave about them at Notts - saying we haven't had an instalment recently..... ahem!
.
Quote by westerross
This is what I was talking about at Notts
.
Have you read the others Tune? The *trots* one is quite amusing
:lol: xanaisx
Yes I have. I was talking to Dave about them at Notts - saying we haven't had an instalment recently..... ahem!
.
Oo I hope he does some more!! He writes some good posts of his hols/experiences
:) Quote by Stormwalker
Then this voice said to me “Congratulations number six, you have made your first canopyâ€. I was floating down with my parachute half cocked i.e. not fully deployed……you have to pull the steering cords down and let them go back up and then you float. All I could do was stare directly ahead……..and still in the star position. The radio burst into life again “Number six……check canopyâ€. All I could do was stare straight ahead……..
Is it me, or does everyone get text that looks like this?
I have edited it and tidied it up.......over time any of the punctuation that you put in goes tits up. No idea why. So this should make it easier reading for you. After so long I can't remember what punctuation I did put in.......but with my grammer.....I more than likely made up the commas, full stops and etc. English was never my strong point
Dave_Notts
