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Holiday Joy Part 7 (I think it is 7)

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Dave__Notts
Sex God
Well………this has been a long time in coming.
In fact……it has been so long……I have forgotten where I am up to. So forgive me if I have missed a bit or jumped too far ahead.
The parachuting finished with a bang…..literally…..with me landing on my hands, knees and backside. The gravel-rash made my skin look like the map of the UK motorway system. So, I finished the parachuting and looked forward to a more leisurely activity. Horse riding!!!!!!
We headed off to the horse riding establishment (ranch, stables, whatever you call it). We stopped at a store for a quick bite to eat and a browse around. We came across some cowboy hats. had to be done. I choose one and looked at the bottom……..$350!!!!! Feck that……..where’s the economy section? I found it and walked out the proud owner of a cowboy hat………and only for $55. So now I looked the part. Jeans, check shirt and a cowboy hat. All I had to do……………was learn how to ride.
We arrived at about 11am. We met the instructor………..about seven feet tall and built like a brick shit-house. His face was weathered and brown, from living in the saddle. I expected to spend the rest of the day leaning to ride and being broken in gently. The instructor told us to get to the place where the horses are and he will teach us to put the “stuff” on the horse. He showed us how to put a blanket, a saddle and the rein-y bits on. All was going well……..and we had only been going for 15 minutes.
“Saddle up” shouted the instructor. “I have put it on its back” I replied. “Well get on the fecker” growled the instructor. Well……..it looked like lesson two was about to start. I put my foot in the stirrup and tried to pull my self up. The saddle slipped down and my foot was now flat on the floor with the saddle on the side of the horse. I looked at the instructor………he glared back at me……..oh this is going to be just fecking great.
2 minutes later…….I am back at step the saddle on top of the horse. The rest of the lads had now got on top of their horses and were waiting in the yard. I tried again…………with the same result. The instructor stepped off his horse……..and helped me get the saddle back on the horses back. He then threw me on told me to “stay”………he didn’t look like Barbra Woodhouse to me and I was no fecking dog either.
He opened the gate and we all walked out into a field. So…..this is where the riding lessons begin then. No such luck. The instructor stated that all of our kit will be transported by pick-up to the camp site and we had four hours riding to get there. He then asked if we had any questions. I asked “When do we learn to ride?” He looked at me and growled “You learn in the saddle. Do you have a problem?”
Do I have a problem? Well, fecking yes. I have never been on a pot of glue on legs before in my life. I was absolutely shit scared, I didn’t know how to make this thing go, more importantly was how does it stop, and it looked a long way to the ground. So my back straightened, my head came up, my chest pushed out and I looked him straight in the eye. “N…n…n…no……I haven’t a problem with that……..  I replied to the man mountain.
So we headed off, all twenty of us looked petrified on these horses. The instructor told us that we were going to do some gentle walking to get us used to the horses, and then we will do some galloping in a clearing and then go on a forest trail to the camp site.
We walked for about half an hour and then came to a clearing. The instructor got us to all line up and he gave us a pep talk about what is going to happen. He said that the horses will follow his when he sets off, so just hang on and enjoy the ride. I really did not think much to this guys’ teaching methods. “Yeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaaaaa” he shouted and he set off at mach 2…………………then there was just a stampede of horses after him. All I could hear was pounding hooves…………and twenty voices screaming “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh feckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk”. The clearing was about ½ a mile long, with twenty horse-riding novices careering down the plain. I think I must have covered a good 200 meters before I felt my body leaning over to the right. Could I right myself………..could I ground rushed up and added anther set of gravel-rash onto my arms. There was just a big dust cloud where the horses once were. I got to my feet and tried to get my bearings. My body was starting to hurt. I then started to hear groaning noises…………and they didn’t come from me. I looked around and found a another. We started walking in the direction that I last saw the horses. On the way we met more horse-less riders. By the time we reached the end of the plain………..all twenty of us were man mountain pissing himself laughing. I thought……. “You tw@t”.
We all saddled up again……..with me finding a rock to climb on to get up. Off we went again. We walked for a good hour before man mountain decided it was a break. We sat on the horses and mine went to eat some grass. Man mountain said that the horses would be fed in a couple of hours so don’t let them eat. No idea why……I just done as he said. The horse pulled its head down, I pulled it back up. He pulled it down, I pulled it back up. He jerked it down………….I flew over its head. on my back. I was soooooooooooooooooo winded. I opened my eyes to see the horse looking back at me. I swear it was fecking laughing. My fist shot out and caught it on the end of its snout. That will teach you I thought.I got up and re-mounted.
Man mountain said it was time to go. We were, once again, in a clearing. This clearing was surrounded by trees and one solitary tree about twenty meters to my right. The order was given to move out……………at which horse headed for the solitary tree.
The tree was quite a low hanging type, with branches just far enough off the ground to allow a horse to run under it. Unfortunately……..I was on top of the horse and there wasn’t enough room for me to squeeze under it as well. Me and horse enter under the tree………………..only the horse comes out the other end. I was back on the ground. My face was scratched to bits and my arse was bruised to hell…………..can you get bruises on bruises? Well it felt like that to me. The horse came into view and stared at me………..I swear it was thinking “You punch me……..I drop you on the  I started to have respect for this old wasn’t as dumb as it looked. The rest of the ride was uneventful, with us just getting used to walking and a bit of galloping. I got used to the galloping…………..but it was the stopping I couldn’t get used to. When I wanted to stop…….I reined in…..and shot my feet out in front in the stirrups. The momentum used this as a pendulum……..and I shot out of the saddle, over the horses head and flat on my back. After the 5th or 6th horse looked as if it was sorry for me.
We got to the camp and had to get the horses ready for the night. I spent about 20 mins longer talking to my horse than anybody else. I started to get attached to the old he liked me rubbing his ears. I think the second day could go a bit better than the first………and I only had the 3rd, 4th & 5th day to survive as well.
Right……..I think that has brought me up to date………..so if you want to know how the other 4 days and then the canoeing went, then tell me and I will write it up.
Dave_Notts
Freckledbird
Sex God
rotflmao :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
OMG Dave they get better lol
poshkate
Sex God
brilliant......... :lol2:
neilinleeds
Sex God
well dave, i had visions of equi-princess taking you to task on the whole rein-y bits issue! apparently rein-y bits ain't standard horsey equipment? dunno
then you went and said this . . . .
I have never been on a pot of glue on legs

:shock: :uhoh: :scared: :eeek:
*scarpers and hides under a bale of straw in the stables*
I started to have respect for this old wasn’t as dumb as it looked.

ummm . . . .dave? i think the horsey had already lost all respect for you, right about the time you went "gee up noddy" and expected it to gallop off into the sunset with you throwing loads of sexy cowboy poses?
go on . . . you did that didntcha? eh? :P
neil x x x ;)
p.s. rotflmao :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Unknown User
with posts like that dave im glad you've found your way back to sh
brilliant
rotflmao :giggle: :rotflmao: :giggle: :rotflmao: :giggle: :rotflmao: :giggle: :rotflmao: :giggle:
mr and mrs dpg xxxx
Vicky_uk
Sex God
Excellent Dave as usual kiss :kiss:
rotflmao :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Mal
Mod
Good to start the day with a laugh - nice one, Dave!! lol
Mal
wink
Unknown User
I just gotta hear how the canoeing went....
<<<< waiting for the next episode with baited breath(and stitch from laffing so much)...
sercher01
Sex God
Dave!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think ull find i still have the pics?????????????
an im not 7foot im 6 3 an brad was smaller than me?
pmfsl cool
conooin?????? nordeg to rocky mountin house redface
Unknown User
Funny or what...... Nearly Piss*d myself
Mike
twos_company
Sex God
Quote by Steve_Mids
I just gotta hear how the canoeing went....
<<<< waiting for the next episode with baited breath(and stitch from laffing so much)...

rotflmao :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
did u drown???? biggrin :D
maybe the hat made him think u could ride!!!!!!!!!! smile