Quote by the_Laird
... kicked off my slippers and went to hang my dressing gown on the door
Sorry Meaty
You have just lost all sorts of sexual credibility with that line right there.....
Even if they are the McLaird tartan dressing gown and slippers
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Injured in the line of duty
Sex God
Quote by PoloLady
... kicked off my slippers and went to hang my dressing gown on the door
Sorry Meaty
You have just lost all sorts of sexual credibility with that line right there.....
Even if they are the McLaird tartan dressing gown and slippers
Sorry Polo
It'd still be wrong :shock:
Sex God
It's normally a compliment to me to be called 'hot' in bed but the night my lover got going on the foreplay shortly after preparing a very hot chilli with very hot fresh chilli peppers is one I won't forget!
Jezzay
PS Can anybody read this thread without their eyes watering?
OWWWWWWWWWW I have experienced this too and thought I was on fire!!! Moral wash your hands very well before touhing anything else!
pink x
Sex God
Quote by Chunky Love
It's not really in 'the line of duty' when I was injured as such, but I was at work when I damaged the wee soldier so it does kinda count!
Was about a year ago and it was getting late on in the club. I was busting for a piddle so I ran up to the toilets and unleashed the fury against the porcelain. Things were going well, I was draining the main vain and trying desperately to avoid the splashback then as I gave it a wee shake to loosen off any hangers on, (Lets face it lads, "No matter how much you shake your peg, at least one drop goes down your leg) I stood back and ripped up the zipper on my work trousers.
However, in my haste to get out of there I had forgotten one important thing. To return my little soldier to his barracks before pulling up my zipper. :shock:
I felt an almighty pain, and I looked down to see my poor wee friend intertwined with the metal teeth of the zipper. Now, any sensible man would see this travesty and make haste to the nearest A&E. No, not commando Chunky Love. Gritting my teeth like Rambo preparing to stitch a wound, I ripped the zipper downwards to free my dirty water gun.
Now, can I recommend to any other men out there that should you ever get entangled in your Wranglers that you do NOT pull down on the zipper. For the love of god, seek out a man of medicine who knows what the hell they are doing and leave it in their hands..
I looked down to see a very bloody stump wink at me, so at that point I thought it best to make haste to the nearest hospital.
Anywho, ran out to the car and raced like a mad fool to A&E. Slammed the car into a parking space and scarpered inside. Was impressed how well the receptionist managed to stifle her giggles whilst entering my details into the computer, and took a seat in the waiting room.
Shortly guided to a wee treatment room, where several nurses and doctors came through to 'inspect' the wee patient. (Remembering of course folks that it was cold, early in the morning, erm... have I said cold? Ach ok, no excuses.. It wasn't at it's most glorious of length)
Finally after lying there for about an hour bleeding, a middle aged indian doctor arrived who had obviously had just been dragged oota his bed. I think someone said he was a specialist, (Do you get willy mangling specialists?).
Anyway, made it my first priority to make this guy my new best friend, as he quite literally held my future in his hands..
After a quick inspection he said that he would stitch it back up, but should it get any worse over time the old '1-2-3-4 skin' will be getting the chop. So, laid back while I received two local anesthetic injections into the base of the penis, (Good god, I nearly backflipped back into the waiting room. Which undoubtably would have impressed the old lady sitting waiting for her husband) then the stitches.. :shock:
"So, worked here long?" said I in a vain attempt to break the embarrassed silence that was hanging in the air whilst the good doctor, looking very unimpressed, manhandled the meat and two veg... You know, it's amazing the patterns you see in roofing tiles when you do your damndest not to look at what's happening below..
Anyway, to cut a long story even longer, the doctor finished off his sewing with a mean looking cross-stitch, and snipped the thread off. (Can I just add that the snipping noise was not enjoyed either.) 8 stitches in total. And that's not some kinda idle boast to try and make out I'm some trouser gargantuan! No, those stitches were arranged 'inside to out' around my winky's polo neck.
At this point I dared a wee look at the downstairs car crash, and thank the big man I was lying down.. Jesus, it looked for all the world like one of those chest bursters from 'Aliens'.
Anyway, after a few cautionary words of advice and some pills, a handshake with the doctor signalled my departure from the hospital and my swift journey home in the motor.
Now, the worst part was that for about a month afterwards whenever I went for a piss it felt like I was passing hot magma, and the wee soldier swelled up to near three times it's size! (Which would have been impressive had it not turned a kinda black colour..) It healed up eventually though, and now I've been left with some natural ribbing where the teeth caught me!
Thank you for sharing Chunky Love, that has to be the funniest, well written post i've read for ages, so sorry for laughing the whole way through but your writing is great! Boy that sounded quite an everntful day!
pink x
Quote by Chunky Love
It's not really in 'the line of duty' when I was injured as such, but I was at work when I damaged the wee soldier so it does kinda count!
Etc, etc,etc.....Sniped for brevity.
!
Thanks Chunky, you have just made my day I haven’t laughed so hard since the last time I did it.
A true classic.
Just as an aside, I have the multi directional wee problem all the time, it’s not till I start, that I have a clue where it’s going to end up. :shock:
Quote by Sassy-Seren
I can't remember any serious injuries whilst in action besides the usual headboard concussion, shaving cuts to rather sensitive areas :shock: and the inability to straighten my back after a particularly lengthy session ( not THAT type of lengthy
.....
Oh don't get me started on hair removal :shock:
Taken from another thread (Jan 05)
Quote by PoloLady
The Immac bladeless razor is brilliant at removing pubic plumage and leaving a silky smooth finish in 3 minutes.
HOWEVER....
When removing the bikini beard and going for the Kojak look, you may get a slight stinging sensation if you get the cream on the bits you shouldn't get it on ( this sensation may increase to a mild burning, if you have not long got out of a hot bath). At this point you have two options:
Option A: Remove the cream immediately with lots of tepid water.
Option B: Ignore the stinging and complete the full 3 minutes before removing the cream and unwanted fanny-fuzz.
Being behind schedule on Friday evening... I opted for 'Option B'. Fooled by the immediate refief of the cool water at the end of the 3 minutes, there was still some mild irritation as I began to get dressed. So, mirror in hand I gave the silky pleasure purse a visual inspection. Looking good, slightly deeper pink, but looking good none the same.
By the time I arrived at the club it was all feeling much better, in fact it felt normal - panic over!
Pants off and into action. A gentleman friend slid his hand down to part the pleasure curtains "Wow, that's hot!" he said. I put this down to the 1 hour drive with the heated seats on all the way and the car heater on full blast.
As the body bouncing commenced I too began to feel the warmth. The more friction, the more sensitivity - but a kind of nice sensitivity.
Cutting out all of the juicy bits, I'll continue from the point at the end of the evening when I returned home....
My crotch was now generating more heat than a thermo-nuclear power plant with a faulty cooling system.
Mirror in had I yet again inspected the burning beaver. No blisters, lesions or other outward signs of damage or injury, just a change in colour from pink to flaming scarlet. I attempted to conduct my inspection further with the aid of a finger or two. "OUCH" ... "F*CKING HELL" my pussy was so sore, discomfort at the slightest touch, burning hot and definately NOT HAPPY.
I slept with a large cushion between my knees to allow a cool flow of air to pass over the volcanic vulva.
Saturday evening there was no chance of rampant romping due to the uncomfortable sensitivity.
Today (Sunday) it feels better, a lot better, but is still slightly sore and sensitive.
I have no doubt the juicy joy-pot will be back in action midweek and fully recovered in time for the Essex Munch.
But ladies.... BE WARNED.... go for 'Option A', unless you want a glow-in-the-dark duvet heater for a couple of days.
PS: Belated offers to kiss it better are always welcomed :twisted:
Whilst performing oral sex on Mrs Kiss, she had rather a violent orgasm; pubic bone meets my top lip and splits it open. 
I'm wondering if I can taste blood and I can hear her saying "don't stop, don't stop" I was less than impressed.
Anyone ever heard the phrase "I'll tear you a new arse!"? :shock: Vigorous anal sex with my ex boyfriend resulting in a very sudden and searing agony. To cut a long story short I thought it was something that a stop in play and a warm bath would sort out. When I was still in quite a bit of pain nearly two days later I went to the doctors. :cry: Apparently I had torn a small section of my sphincter muscle.
It healed quickly but I was understandably reluctant to really 'go for it' for some months afterwards.
I'm wondering if I can taste blood and I can hear her saying "don't stop, don't stop" I was less than impressed. Anyone ever heard the phrase "I'll tear you a new arse!"? :shock: Vigorous anal sex with my ex boyfriend resulting in a very sudden and searing agony. To cut a long story short I thought it was something that a stop in play and a warm bath would sort out. When I was still in quite a bit of pain nearly two days later I went to the doctors. :cry: Apparently I had torn a small section of my sphincter muscle.
It healed quickly but I was understandably reluctant to really 'go for it' for some months afterwards. I suppose that I should say that with my prediliction for BDSM that I would have been the cause of STDs (sexually traumatic disabilities!) but suffice it to say that I have never injured (not without their permission first, lol) any poor soul in this way.
However one thing that brings a tear to my eye is something that happened when my partner was away on business. I was feeling very horny and lamenting his loss for the past 2 weeks when I rediscovered the fucking machine that said partner had made some years before.........oh yes a real fucking machine that he made all by himself, clever boy!
After spending some days pleasuing myself in various ways, but actually feeling the need for some deep meaningful penetration, I gave in to the machines pleading. All was wonderful, i was lying back enjoying the joys of a cock that never gets tired or slows down at the wrong point, when i decided to speed it up a little more, then a little more .....you know how it is.
Fantastic orgasm after orgasm and the feeling of total wellbeing..........as the euphoria wore off, I realised that I had given myself friction burns in the most painful place of all. So that put paid to any further play until my partner returned - mercifully I was healed by then.
I resisted the urge to go to the Drs. and get some cooling balm and instead used a few ice cubes to help the throbbing. Let that be a word of warning for you, incase you are thinking of robotic sex yourselves.........lol
However one thing that brings a tear to my eye is something that happened when my partner was away on business. I was feeling very horny and lamenting his loss for the past 2 weeks when I rediscovered the fucking machine that said partner had made some years before.........oh yes a real fucking machine that he made all by himself, clever boy!
After spending some days pleasuing myself in various ways, but actually feeling the need for some deep meaningful penetration, I gave in to the machines pleading. All was wonderful, i was lying back enjoying the joys of a cock that never gets tired or slows down at the wrong point, when i decided to speed it up a little more, then a little more .....you know how it is.
Fantastic orgasm after orgasm and the feeling of total wellbeing..........as the euphoria wore off, I realised that I had given myself friction burns in the most painful place of all. So that put paid to any further play until my partner returned - mercifully I was healed by then.
I resisted the urge to go to the Drs. and get some cooling balm and instead used a few ice cubes to help the throbbing. Let that be a word of warning for you, incase you are thinking of robotic sex yourselves.........lol
Once tore my frenum in a desperate bid to commit my old fella to the warm cosy place before the doors were fully open.....
Lots of blood later I woke on the bathroom floor with a rather worried looking missus hovering over me with a rather anxious look on her face...
Its never repaired itself to this day and as such lies as a testament to the fact one should always wait till the doors are fully open before trying to enter
Lots of blood later I woke on the bathroom floor with a rather worried looking missus hovering over me with a rather anxious look on her face...
Its never repaired itself to this day and as such lies as a testament to the fact one should always wait till the doors are fully open before trying to enter
Quote by Steve_Mids
Once tore my frenum in a desperate bid to commit my old fella to the warm cosy place before the doors were fully open.....
Lots of blood later I woke on the bathroom floor with a rather worried looking missus hovering over me with a rather anxious look on her face...
Its never repaired itself to this day and as such lies as a testament to the fact one should always wait till the doors are fully open before trying to enter
Whaaaatttt!!!!! you're still pouring with blood???!!! :eeek:
Sex God
Quote by Steve_Mids
Once tore my frenum in a desperate bid to commit my old fella to the warm cosy place before the doors were fully open.....Its never repaired itself to this day and as such lies as a testament to the fact one should always wait till the doors are fully open before trying to enter
or one should stick to shagging the Mrs and not the oven :doh:
Sex God
One little dutiful injury I incur is a sore lower lip and a rash to go with it after extended bouts of oral. This occurs particularly if the recipient has a 5 o'clock shadow or (curiously) if I haven't shaved soon before (inconsiderate bastard that I am!).
Somehow explaining to the people in the office that I got the rash because I shaved meself a bit too close this morning just seems a bit limp.
.
Somehow explaining to the people in the office that I got the rash because I shaved meself a bit too close this morning just seems a bit limp.
.
Quote by firelizard
Actually, I do seem to remember Stormy being rather mortified when I bounced a little too exuberantly on top of him and folded his very erect little man in half in the process! :giggle: Cant think what all the fuss was about really
That should of course read “His very erect massive manhood in halfâ€
I have the certification to prove it, see below. :smug:
Oh, and I still have the fold mark, some things are just not designed to be folded in half. :eeek:
Nor should you go to the loo with rapidly hardening resin or paint stripper on your fingers.:Feckthatshot:
Quote by Stormwalker
Actually, I do seem to remember Stormy being rather mortified when I bounced a little too exuberantly on top of him and folded his very erect little man in half in the process! :giggle: Cant think what all the fuss was about really
That should of course read “His very erect massive manhoodin halfâ€
I have the certification to prove it, see below. :smug:
Oh, and I still have the fold mark, some things are just not designed to be folded in half. :eeek:
Nor should you go to the loo with rapidly hardening resin or paint stripper on your fingers.:Feckthatshot:
:laughabove: :laughabove: Now you see why I love Stormy sooooo much!!!! he's soooo fecking funny!!!!!
:giggle: Quote by Steve_Mids
Once tore my frenum in a desperate bid to commit my old fella to the warm cosy place before the doors were fully open.....
Lots of blood later I woke on the bathroom floor with a rather worried looking missus hovering over me with a rather anxious look on her face...
It was more of a :shock: look actually :lol2:
Its never repaired itself to this day and as such lies as a testament to the fact one should always wait till the doors are fully open before trying to enter
It's very sensitive though
:rascal:I have never been injured in the line of duty... Well not one that I can remember anyway :lol2:
Sex God
Had the skin between the vagina and the anus split after hours of hard shagging. That hurts and take a couple of days to heal.
Been cut by a sharp set of nails in the inside wall of my vagina.
Got a bruised arm, leg and hip when I was pulled off the bed when my partner fell to the floor taking me with him and then managing to turn us around mid air and use me as a crash mat.... on more than one occasion! (Bouncy some of them hotel beds you know )
I'm sure there are more injuries I've had or given... but I can't recall them so they can't have been *that* traumatic.
Been cut by a sharp set of nails in the inside wall of my vagina.
Got a bruised arm, leg and hip when I was pulled off the bed when my partner fell to the floor taking me with him and then managing to turn us around mid air and use me as a crash mat.... on more than one occasion! (Bouncy some of them hotel beds you know
)I'm sure there are more injuries I've had or given... but I can't recall them so they can't have been *that* traumatic.
Dear Patient....I assume it was a member of the male gender who's finger caused the problem? If so, I urge all gentlemen, therefore, to show consideration to their ladies and manicure their nails to perfection, before showering, washing genitals (including bum) and deoderising the sweaty bits before laying alongside the woman of their dreams (well, that's what you tell them, is'nt it?) who is probably exquisitely clean and scented, ready for your amorous advances, not to mention your rigid cock. Works wonders, chaps!!
Warming the Bed
Dearest Polo, Literary of my life :rose:
I'm kind of sad. The first time I get to "talk" to you it is with great sorrow at your recent misfortune.
I offer you this
:therethere:
I pray you accept it in the spirit in which it was given.
And I publicly promise, ever we should meet, they'll be short.
Oh boy will they be short.
I'm kind of sad. The first time I get to "talk" to you it is with great sorrow at your recent misfortune.
I offer you this
:therethere: I pray you accept it in the spirit in which it was given.
And I publicly promise, ever we should meet, they'll be short.
Oh boy will they be short.
Sex God
Quote by westerross
One little dutiful injury I incur is a sore lower lip and a rash to go with it after extended bouts of oral. This occurs particularly if the recipient has a 5 o'clock shadow or (curiously) if I haven't shaved soon before (inconsiderate bastard that I am!).
Remedy, just for TE:
Sex God
i know i should keep quiet.. but what the heck... 
i had my head (the one on my shoulders) split open by what can only be described at a "stray boot" ..... had to go the the hospital and have stitches....and left a huge pool of blood while i manfully kept to the task at hand.....
i won't name the person who inflicted this serious wound on me.... but they are one of the "people in green".....
i think we should be presented with medals of houour... and bravery awards!!!
sean xxxxxxxx
i had my head (the one on my shoulders) split open by what can only be described at a "stray boot" ..... had to go the the hospital and have stitches....and left a huge pool of blood while i manfully kept to the task at hand.....
i won't name the person who inflicted this serious wound on me.... but they are one of the "people in green".....
i think we should be presented with medals of houour... and bravery awards!!!
sean xxxxxxxx
Sex God
Quote by fabio grooverider
i won't name the person who inflicted this serious wound on me.... but they are one of the "people in green".....
FABIO'S SHAGGED SARGE!!!!!!!!!
Sex God
well considering that sheddy has been telling a few stories about me lately, I think it's only fair to tell everyone......that sheddy hasn't just torn his banjo string, it's completely ripped (not by me I hasten to add!) and I mean completely so that he can pull his foreskin right back... 
although it's not really something I've noticed myself (my mind is generally on other things) the thought of it happening makes me feel quite ill, especially as he tells me he didn't notice at the time :shock: and only realised the next morning when he woke up to find his stomach covered in blood
although it's not really something I've noticed myself (my mind is generally on other things) the thought of it happening makes me feel quite ill, especially as he tells me he didn't notice at the time :shock: and only realised the next morning when he woke up to find his stomach covered in blood
