After reading another thread got me thinking about different ways person perceive things to be.
A guy asked for ideas to help to broach the subject of swinging to his wife, ok he has been a member for so many years etc etc.
So I ask is it wrong to be a member of this site without your partners knowledge?
I feel this way, many people watch porn or have fantasises about introducing others into their sex life.
I am sure a lot of people before acting out fantasises would like to gain as much information about the implications and complications before even considering if this life style is what they want. As the thought of doing this is in general at first a fantasy of one person, that plants the seed or asks their partner what they think.
I confess when I first came here it was to try and gather a feel of what swinging life was about, as the whole concept was alien to me and one I wanted to find out more about, to get a feel of the kind of people it attracted etc.
I found out that my hubby had done some homework before hand had questioned why he felt the way he did about wanting to see his wife that he loved having sex with other men.
He read up about swinging but felt that what he read was always a bias view of the writer and was given conflicting messages, so he joined a swinging site to observe the actual people that were in the scene to get a more realistic view of what it was all about and a better understanding of himself and how he felt.
Once he felt he understood himself more was then able to converse those feeling to me.
So I ask is it so wrong for people to join this site without their partners knowing at first, I don’t think all the people here join to meet, but a lot are here to maybe question themselves and get a better understanding if this lifestyle is for them, or just to chat to people that feel the same way they feel.
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Is it wrong for people in relationships to be here alone?
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I'm not in a position to say anyone is wrong to join alone but I wouldn't have liked it if Ian had joined without me.
Its not just because I would be pissed if he was being unfaithful. I would never take any risks that could hurt him in anyway but it is more than that.
Swinging has brought us closer together and we have a better understanding of each other :inlove:
Plus, it is so much fun sharing the whole experience :bounce:
Its not just because I would be pissed if he was being unfaithful. I would never take any risks that could hurt him in anyway but it is more than that.
Swinging has brought us closer together and we have a better understanding of each other :inlove:
Plus, it is so much fun sharing the whole experience :bounce:
Sex God
I don't think it's ever going to be a one-size-fits-all kind of situation, so there's not going to be a one-size-fits-all sort of answer is there?
Quote by benrums0n
I try not to judge anybody.
I choose only to be interested in folk who are honest with the people they profess to love enough to spend their lives with.
Ben I believe in doing that too, but the one person you have to be honest with first is yourself.
My hubby confesses to love me we have been together for 30 years, but he did join a swinging site before I even found out that he had a desire, fantasy (call it what you wish) to see me playing with other men. Then he spoke to me about it all, and explained his reasons to explore before ever broaching the subject with me.
I never questioned his love for me, But I did ask why he felt he couldnt talk before the need of finding out first.
His response was he thought he was odd in what he wanted, but after finding out there were others like him, made him more able to express himself to me.
So I see that as weighing up the risks before wreaking everything.
But then I may be naive in my view.
Sex God
I don't think it is wrong per-se, but I would question if keeping it a secret is the right thing to do, even if you are just looking.
I feel with something like swinging within a couple that everything has to be discussed together and approached together. While I can now say that if Mrs R said to me she'd joined a site recently without my knowledge, it would not bother me, A few years ago I would have found that hugely threatening. I dare say she'd say the same. I think once you have swonged, swunged, swingerered or whatever it is, your perception changes a little, but I still think the entire basis for this is trust in each other and if you don't have the trust to even discuss it with your other half before hand, then to my mind it isn't a good starting point to do something, and then have to admit to it afterwards.
I can see the situation where the issue is discussed and then one partner does the "work" on the site. After all, that is what we do, Mrs R very rarely comes on here. But that's because this way suits us and we've discussed it. Plus she knows she can see what I post whenever she likes because she has access to the account. So when it is agreed as a couple, but one person is on here, I think that's fine. Well, I would do wouldn't I really?
To me it is all about the necessity to keep it a secret. If you need to do that, then I have concerns with that. If not then use the site in whatever way you both prefer.
I feel with something like swinging within a couple that everything has to be discussed together and approached together. While I can now say that if Mrs R said to me she'd joined a site recently without my knowledge, it would not bother me, A few years ago I would have found that hugely threatening. I dare say she'd say the same. I think once you have swonged, swunged, swingerered or whatever it is, your perception changes a little, but I still think the entire basis for this is trust in each other and if you don't have the trust to even discuss it with your other half before hand, then to my mind it isn't a good starting point to do something, and then have to admit to it afterwards.
I can see the situation where the issue is discussed and then one partner does the "work" on the site. After all, that is what we do, Mrs R very rarely comes on here. But that's because this way suits us and we've discussed it. Plus she knows she can see what I post whenever she likes because she has access to the account. So when it is agreed as a couple, but one person is on here, I think that's fine. Well, I would do wouldn't I really?
To me it is all about the necessity to keep it a secret. If you need to do that, then I have concerns with that. If not then use the site in whatever way you both prefer.
I would say that it is OK for one person to drop in to the site and look about. Just to see what goes on. I did that...but then we already had an agreement to play apart when away from home. W is just a few yards from me now, looking at birds in the garden. She is not keen on know everything I get up to.
Should that person then stay meet and play as a secret, that is a different question.
You could call what W and I do an open secret, we both know the other plays, an open marriage. I would like more, true, but that is what we do.
Everyone to their own.
Should that person then stay meet and play as a secret, that is a different question.
You could call what W and I do an open secret, we both know the other plays, an open marriage. I would like more, true, but that is what we do.
Everyone to their own.
I'm in a relationship ( albeit still fairly new but all the same.. ) so I only stick around for the social side of things - chat, have a laugh etc etc. I wouldn't dream of meeting up with anyone behind my partner's back except for a social coffee with friends I've already made.
Some people ARE here for extra marital sex and whilst I personally think it's not right, it's their choice to do so. If they get caught and the shit hits the fan, they're the ones in the firing line.
Some people ARE here for extra marital sex and whilst I personally think it's not right, it's their choice to do so. If they get caught and the shit hits the fan, they're the ones in the firing line.
Sex God
Straight in I'm a married man who is here without my partners knowledge or consent, and is a total secret from her.
Pauses whilst eye brows raise and a few mutterings occur.
Due to my own set of personnal circumstances this is the only way I am able to socialise. Odd you may say but true. Unfortunatly my other half is unable to put her point of view across so you are unable to make a balanced opinion. I have never hidden the fact that I'm married and it is clearly written in my profile.
I wouldn't try to talk my wife into coming here or joining as she has made her views quite clear as to what she thinks to swinginging and swingers. It occured when a search on her account threw up Swinging Heaven by chance, should you wish to know. Her opinion of the ladies who would be here or any swinging site for that matter is quite uncomplementary, even though she has never met you. I do wonder what she would think if she were to discover a friend was a swinger. Would her opinion of her friend change? Would the friendship cease as a result of this discovery?
Next point am I really here to socialise after all I am a deciectfull male. It the main yes. In four years of being here I've had one successful meet. The others have been on my travels outside of SH. Those I have played with all knew of my marital status.
Another point I have noted is just how judgemental people here can be despite their claims of a relaxed lifestyle. Many has been the time in chat I've spoken to people before they checkout my profile. I know when they do because the inadvertant whisper gives them away and they go all coy and quiet, or they just go silent. One minute I'm good enough to talk to the next I'm not.
Another point. I have noticed that a number of couples play separatly, one reason being that they cannot agree on another couple. I know of one such couple. She stated that she wouldn't play with a married man on his own but her husband now fits just that catagory, married man playing away even though it's with his partners consent. In effect she wouldn't play with her husband!
Finally as Sassy Siren says If I'm caught, then it's me in the firing line. Toasted Testicles anyone?
Pauses whilst eye brows raise and a few mutterings occur.
Due to my own set of personnal circumstances this is the only way I am able to socialise. Odd you may say but true. Unfortunatly my other half is unable to put her point of view across so you are unable to make a balanced opinion. I have never hidden the fact that I'm married and it is clearly written in my profile.
I wouldn't try to talk my wife into coming here or joining as she has made her views quite clear as to what she thinks to swinginging and swingers. It occured when a search on her account threw up Swinging Heaven by chance, should you wish to know. Her opinion of the ladies who would be here or any swinging site for that matter is quite uncomplementary, even though she has never met you. I do wonder what she would think if she were to discover a friend was a swinger. Would her opinion of her friend change? Would the friendship cease as a result of this discovery?
Next point am I really here to socialise after all I am a deciectfull male. It the main yes. In four years of being here I've had one successful meet. The others have been on my travels outside of SH. Those I have played with all knew of my marital status.
Another point I have noted is just how judgemental people here can be despite their claims of a relaxed lifestyle. Many has been the time in chat I've spoken to people before they checkout my profile. I know when they do because the inadvertant whisper gives them away and they go all coy and quiet, or they just go silent. One minute I'm good enough to talk to the next I'm not.
Another point. I have noticed that a number of couples play separatly, one reason being that they cannot agree on another couple. I know of one such couple. She stated that she wouldn't play with a married man on his own but her husband now fits just that catagory, married man playing away even though it's with his partners consent. In effect she wouldn't play with her husband!
Finally as Sassy Siren says If I'm caught, then it's me in the firing line. Toasted Testicles anyone?
It would be rather easy to say 'it's wrong'... or that it's a form of deceipt (which it is)... however....
Even as a couple, or a genuine single, most folks choose to keep aspects of their relationship private.
We shouldn't be afraid of telling parents... but we often do. We shouldn't even worry about what our (grownup) children think... yet we keep it from them also.
So is it really any surprise that as part of ALL our 'secrets' some people keep this place as their secret?
If hand on heart anybody can tell me they never keep anything from their husband,wife,partner, let them stand up and be counted.
If we agree that we all do keep some things from partners, not entirely out of selfish reasons, but just for 'a simple life'... then it becomes a matter of degrees. Is the next door neighbour's husband that you fancy something you'll always admit to your partner?... or that you looked at some woman in Tesco lustfully? Or maybe that you watched a porn video on that business trip away?... or that you had a stolen kiss with a colleague at the office party...
There is an argument to suggest that this place is more than a 'one off' though, and that it COULD start to cause a rift in a relationship. I think this is true. That said, so could porn, drink, gambling etc.
In the end, I just think it's easy to criticise. We don't ever really know why folks are here... and being a couple doesn't always make it right. There are couples who are using this place to repair broken relationships, some using it to fulfill an emotional gap... you name it.
Remember that many folks in society will make all sorts of assumptions about you if you tell them you're swingers. The majority of those assumptions will be ill founded, or downright wrong.
Don't make the same mistake in passing judgment on solo swingers.
Life is rich, complicated and intriguing... enjoy it!
Even as a couple, or a genuine single, most folks choose to keep aspects of their relationship private.
We shouldn't be afraid of telling parents... but we often do. We shouldn't even worry about what our (grownup) children think... yet we keep it from them also.
So is it really any surprise that as part of ALL our 'secrets' some people keep this place as their secret?
If hand on heart anybody can tell me they never keep anything from their husband,wife,partner, let them stand up and be counted.
If we agree that we all do keep some things from partners, not entirely out of selfish reasons, but just for 'a simple life'... then it becomes a matter of degrees. Is the next door neighbour's husband that you fancy something you'll always admit to your partner?... or that you looked at some woman in Tesco lustfully? Or maybe that you watched a porn video on that business trip away?... or that you had a stolen kiss with a colleague at the office party...
There is an argument to suggest that this place is more than a 'one off' though, and that it COULD start to cause a rift in a relationship. I think this is true. That said, so could porn, drink, gambling etc.
In the end, I just think it's easy to criticise. We don't ever really know why folks are here... and being a couple doesn't always make it right. There are couples who are using this place to repair broken relationships, some using it to fulfill an emotional gap... you name it.
Remember that many folks in society will make all sorts of assumptions about you if you tell them you're swingers. The majority of those assumptions will be ill founded, or downright wrong.
Don't make the same mistake in passing judgment on solo swingers.
Life is rich, complicated and intriguing... enjoy it!
Sexpert
It's not a problem if they're just here to find out the score and see what happens and what makes people tick as long as they then share that with their partner.
The problems begin when they stay because they enjoy this other secret life and do not tell their partner or when they broach the subject with their other halfe and find out they aren't interested in it.
And then them coming on here becomes a secret ...that's when the problems start ....the other halfe walking in the room and wondering why he's clicking the screen off etc etc etc
The problems begin when they stay because they enjoy this other secret life and do not tell their partner or when they broach the subject with their other halfe and find out they aren't interested in it.
And then them coming on here becomes a secret ...that's when the problems start ....the other halfe walking in the room and wondering why he's clicking the screen off etc etc etc
I tend to think that life has many secrets in all sorts of ways. And its often such secrecies that keep the world ticking over. Anyone who is that open and honest; usually doen't have much to say to interest anyone else, and is often seen as somewhat boring and a little bit simple.
Also there is always something that you don't want someone else to know. I can guarantee that. Which is probably why you haven't told anyone about it, whatever it is......................... we wait.....
But to answer the question posed in the thread title. Yes its wrong to be here being deceitful, but its great fun to do it, for them that are okay with it; but a constant annoyance to those who are not amused.
Also there is always something that you don't want someone else to know. I can guarantee that. Which is probably why you haven't told anyone about it, whatever it is......................... we wait.....
But to answer the question posed in the thread title. Yes its wrong to be here being deceitful, but its great fun to do it, for them that are okay with it; but a constant annoyance to those who are not amused.
I think its their business quite frankly.
We dont go in for one offs and the way that we play would make it difficult for a 'married' to carry off the pretense for too long.
However, there are alot of unhappy people in this world, in unhappy marriages and unhappy lives and who the hell am I to judge their personal circumstances.
There is nothing stopping a married person from saying they are single and keeping to that story. At least if they have married on their profile, you know where you stand and can make an informed choice of whether to initiate contact or not.
The moral highground is not a place on which I enjoy sitting.
Mistress_39
We dont go in for one offs and the way that we play would make it difficult for a 'married' to carry off the pretense for too long.
However, there are alot of unhappy people in this world, in unhappy marriages and unhappy lives and who the hell am I to judge their personal circumstances.
There is nothing stopping a married person from saying they are single and keeping to that story. At least if they have married on their profile, you know where you stand and can make an informed choice of whether to initiate contact or not.
The moral highground is not a place on which I enjoy sitting.
Mistress_39
I'm here without my partners knowledge, but before i'm judged it's always best to hear the full story.
I've always been really broadminded and jumped at the chance to go out with an older woman, but 15 years on she's lost her sex drive following illness and has made it quite clear that she wouldn't be happy for me to be meeting other girls. What would be the best thing to do, throw love in the bin because the sex isn't there, go out socialising every night without her in the hope of meeting a stranger, or sign up to this site and hope to meet someone in the same boat who I can chat with first for safety's sake. That's my two pennyworth anyhow. Just wanted to make people think a bit before they judge. It has to be on the profile though, if you're attached, you should say so.
I've always been really broadminded and jumped at the chance to go out with an older woman, but 15 years on she's lost her sex drive following illness and has made it quite clear that she wouldn't be happy for me to be meeting other girls. What would be the best thing to do, throw love in the bin because the sex isn't there, go out socialising every night without her in the hope of meeting a stranger, or sign up to this site and hope to meet someone in the same boat who I can chat with first for safety's sake. That's my two pennyworth anyhow. Just wanted to make people think a bit before they judge. It has to be on the profile though, if you're attached, you should say so.
I'm not quite sure where I stand! I don't have a problem with married or attached people being on the site without their partners knowledge- thier business, their risk. What I do want is honesty to me then I can make a choice.
However, on 2 of the occassions when I have made the choice to meet a married man, I have had phone calls and texts from an angry wife.
You have to be very clever and have a good memory to ensure you are not caught out! And most women have some idea if their hubby is playing away- we women just know.
So I tend to not meet married/attached men because I don't need the hassle!
Just re-reading this and am thinking I may come across hypocritical lol
Wench xx
However, on 2 of the occassions when I have made the choice to meet a married man, I have had phone calls and texts from an angry wife.
You have to be very clever and have a good memory to ensure you are not caught out! And most women have some idea if their hubby is playing away- we women just know.
So I tend to not meet married/attached men because I don't need the hassle!
Just re-reading this and am thinking I may come across hypocritical lol
Wench xx
i dont mind people being here without their partners knowing and i met both single and attached people
i had the same problem as Buxom_wench tho in that i got phones calls and texts from angry wives !
best not to give your phone number out i guess !
when i first joined this site i was still married and i was here without my husband knowing but i did always make sure that men i met knew that, then it was their choice whether or not they still wanted to meet me, most did !
yes i know there are people who think i was wrong in doing what i did but let them live with him for as long as i did and let him bully them and then see how they cope ... not everyones life is perfect
i had the same problem as Buxom_wench tho in that i got phones calls and texts from angry wives !
best not to give your phone number out i guess !
when i first joined this site i was still married and i was here without my husband knowing but i did always make sure that men i met knew that, then it was their choice whether or not they still wanted to meet me, most did !
yes i know there are people who think i was wrong in doing what i did but let them live with him for as long as i did and let him bully them and then see how they cope ... not everyones life is perfect
Quote by capricornten
agree totally with bikeral. Playing away is fun, there's no rules other than don't get caught.
Yes there's lots of views on this subject, and if they disagree with me then they're quite clearly wrong
I do not think your other half would think it half as " fun " as you seem to.
Also IF the roles were reversed and it was her that was " playing away ", i bet your attitude may not be of the same as it is now.
I am not one to chuck morals about being on a sex site but...I do not agree with playing away unless the other person knows. Otherwise that is not a truthful relationship, just one run on deceipt.
Sorry just my opinion.
Sex God
Quote by capricornten
agree totally with bikeral. Playing away is fun, there's no rules other than don't get caught.
Yes there's lots of views on this subject, and if they disagree with me then they're quite clearly wrong
I think each to their own but I'm not sure I've ever seen such a flippant attitude about it.
Sorry... but I'm fairly sure you wouldn't think it was much "fun" if your partner was cheating on you and displaying such a total lack of any respect for you in the process.
People do what they do for a reason, I'm sure there are lots of reasons and I'd rather someone was honest about it but I don't think it's anything to be proud of or to brag about.
:thumbup:
Sex God
Swinging without their partners knowledge is to me wrong We wouldn't knowingly swing with such people although have done and found out afterwards but thats something that lies in being deceived possibly or at the least us not being to inquisitive I guess.
As for an earlier post on this subject saying about swingers claiming to lead a relaxed lifestyle and being judgemental. Well in itself that statement is judgemental. I am judgemental and I claim not to live a particularly relaxed lifestyle, unless of course just swinging is what constitutes that, in which case im so relaxed i'm floppy.
As for an earlier post on this subject saying about swingers claiming to lead a relaxed lifestyle and being judgemental. Well in itself that statement is judgemental. I am judgemental and I claim not to live a particularly relaxed lifestyle, unless of course just swinging is what constitutes that, in which case im so relaxed i'm floppy.
Dishonesty is what I believe is wrong, not half of a couple being here alone per se.
But I've heard several attempted justifications from men for why meeting behind someone's back is not actually 'cheating'. It shows a huge lack of respect for the women they are with and a good deal of spinelessness!
IMHO :cool:
But I've heard several attempted justifications from men for why meeting behind someone's back is not actually 'cheating'. It shows a huge lack of respect for the women they are with and a good deal of spinelessness!
IMHO :cool:
I'm married and a member here without my wifes knowledge, however, I have never met anyone off the site, I do chat to people on here, and enjoy that aspect. I doubt I would ever meet anyone without my wife knowing, and I hope in time to indtroduce her to this site.
I know that she has mentioned things like swinging before, but not in a fully serious way, and maybe right now she would not be up for it, maybe in the future she will.
Myself, I dont think that is wrong, but people may think differently about that.
I know that she has mentioned things like swinging before, but not in a fully serious way, and maybe right now she would not be up for it, maybe in the future she will.
Myself, I dont think that is wrong, but people may think differently about that.
Quote by kentswingers777
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I do not think your other half would think it half as " fun " as you seem to.
Also IF the roles were reversed and it was her that was " playing away ", i bet your attitude may not be of the same as it is now.
I am not one to chuck morals about being on a sex site but...I do not agree with playing away unless the other person knows. Otherwise that is not a truthful relationship, just one run on deceipt.
Sorry just my opinion.
I agree totally, having had a couple long term relationships, both resulting in my finding out they had been unfaithfull, I know I would not enjoy going through that again, well I wouldnt lol it would b the door, but there is no way I could meet/sleep with anyone who was being decietful, Id b thinking of their partners and feeling guilty.
Quote by welsh_minx1
I would also say that most people have been cheated on or been a victim of deceipt.
Remember the hurt and the pain of finding out. If as the saying goes " honesty is the best policy ", then the people that do cheat and think it is " fun ", well remember....what goes around comes aound at some point in the future.