To Hell:
A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."
Duck walks into a chemist says "Have you got any lip gloss please?"
Chemist says "Certainly Sir, will that be cash or cheque"
Duck says "Put it on my bill"
Two blokes in a pub, one says "Your round."
His mate says "So are you, ya fat git."
Some of these are terrible I'm afraid>
Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
>
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
>
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
>
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
>
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double
entendre. So he gave her one
>
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
>
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
>
A seal walks into a club...
>
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says
to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van
Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are
you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?"
"No, ta. I`ve got one `ere."
>
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
>
>
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A
woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says 'A premature ejaculation' 'What?' says the woman
The man says 'I've just come in my pants'
Two sharks planning their evening meal.
"Fancy a chinese?"
"Yeah, let's go to Morecambe Bay."
PROUD TO BE A POME
A Englishman (from the west country may I add) was drinking in a Australian
outback bar when he gets a call on
his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone
in the bar,
because, he announces his wife back in blighty has just produced a typical baby
boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Pome just
shrugs,
"That's about average in England. Like I said, my boy is a typical English baby
boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH"
were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Pome returns to the bar. The bartender says
"You're that father of the typical English baby that weighed in at 25 pounds
at birth". "Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks and
we were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?"
The proud father answers, "17 pounds" The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born".
The Pome father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had
him circumcised"
:twisted: :twisted:
Nice to see mollys days are being used productivley.
Chris xx
Anyway Ive got one some of you may have heard it on neighbours yesterday I thought it was cool.
Guy talking to his psychiatrist tells him that hes eventually experienced a froydian slip that hes been telling him about.
The psychiatrist asks what happened
The guy says he was having dinner with his wife and meant to say pass the salt but actually said you've ruined my entire life you mad cow.
GENIUS
I got this one a text a while ago....
Good News...Saddam Hussein had got the death penalty. The Bad news is.....Beckham is taking it
Silky xx
This bloke with Tourette's syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town. Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies,’ Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastard place? 'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'Fuck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fucking piano? 'Pardon?' says the manager. 'Fucking deaf as well, are we? You sniveling little piece of shit, show me your cunting piano.
'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues? 'Of course I fucking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called? 'I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick,' replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. 'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called? 'I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer'.
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager. 'As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 'Where's that bastard pianist?'
He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up, and strolls over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?
The bloke replies 'Know it? I fucking wrote it.
:lol: :lol: 
:rotflmao:
