joke | Swinging Heaven

1 Dec 2004

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.
The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."
"Why?" he asked.
"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.
"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."
Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.
"You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."
"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.
After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."
sorry lol

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: staggy

1 Dec 2004

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

1 Dec 2004

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

1 Dec 2004

The last one will be getting used!!!

6 Dec 2004

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!
Then the frog inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

6 Dec 2004

2 men were walking down the street. suddenly one man sniffed, turned to the other and said "have you crapped yourself???"
the other man replied "no, of course not!" and they carried on walking.
A few minutes later the first man sniffed and said "i can really smell poo - are you sure you havent pooed yourself?"
"NO, i told you i havent!!"
A few minutes later the first man turned to the other man and said "FFS pull down your trousers and let me have a look - you stink!!"
So the second man pulled down his trousers, and sure enough they were full of s**t.
"I thought you said you hadnt crapped yourself??" shouted the first man. To which the second man replied........................
"i thought you meant today!"

6 Dec 2004

eugh :shock: That is gross!!!!!!! lol

7 Dec 2004

Historical Facts from American 5th and 6th Graders...........Classic
> The following is allegedly a compilation from
> answers on various 5th and 6th
> grade tests , some real historical gems here.]
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies
> and mummies who all
> wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah
> Dessert. The climate of
> the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to
> live elsewhere.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where
> they made unleavened
> bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
> Moses went up on
> Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died
> before he ever reached
> Canada but his commandos made it.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
> porcupines. He was an
> actual hysterical figure as well as being in the
> bible. It sounds like he
> was sort of busy too.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
> without them we wouldnÂ´t
> have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
> young female moth.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went
> around giving people
> advice. They killed him. He later died from an
> overdose of wedlock which
> is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
> suffered a dramatic
> decline.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races,
> jumped, hurled biscuits,
> and threw the java. The games were messier then than
> they show on TV now.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
> battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
> Of March murdered him because they thought he was
> going to be made king.
> Dying, he gasped out, "Same to you, Brutus."
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized
> by Bernard Shaw for
> reasons I donÂ´t really understand. The English and
> French still have
> problems.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen
> she was a success.
> When she exposed herself before her troops they all
> shouted "hurrah!"
> and that was the end of the fighting for a long
> while.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
> Gutenberg invented
> removable type and the Bible. Another important
> invention was the
> circulation of blood.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
> invented cigarettes
> and started smoking.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100
> foot clipper which was
> very dangerous to all his men.
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
> Shakespeare. He was
> born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
> He never made much
> money and is famous only because of his plays. He
> wrote tragedies,
> comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic
> pentameter.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
> Cervantes. He wrote
> Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
> Milton wrote
> Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
> Contented Congress.
> Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
> were two singers of
> the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
> electricity by
> rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A
> horse divided against
> itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist. Franklin
> died in 1790 and
> is still dead.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Abraham Lincoln became AmericaÂ´s greatest Precedent.
> LincolnÂ´s mother
> died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
> which he built with his
> own hands.. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
> signing the Emasculation
> Proclamation.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
> theater and got
> shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
> picture show. They
> believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
> supposingly insane actor.
> This ruined BoothÂ´s career.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions
> and had a large
> number of children. In between he practiced on an
> old spinster which he
> kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the
> present. Bach was the
> most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
> Handel was half
> German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
> large.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was
> so deaf that he
> wrote loud music and became the father of rock and
> roll. He took long
> walks in the forest even when everyone was calling
> for him. Beethoven
> expired in 1827 and later died for this.

7 Dec 2004

Apparently, London's first sperm bank turned out to be a complete were only two potential donors - one missed the tube and the other came on the bus.............................