esq.
Clerk to Swinging Heaven Municipal Borough Council
Mrs W. Flintstone,
Bedrock,
Leics
Dear Mrs Flintstone,
It has been brought to my attention that you are currently organising the burning of your husband, one Mr. Frederick Rocknuts Flintstone, along with a quantity of assorted debris and domestic rubbish. I have been asked by the Borough to point out several salient facts:
Smoke from this fire , may, under the 1990 Environment Act, constitute 'Statutory Nuisance', and we may be forced to issue an Abatement Order with immediate effect.
This order is legally enforceable in English Law.
Furthermore,if dark smoke is produced, this would directly contravene the 'Clean Air Act' of 1993.
May I also point out that the burning of human remains may contravene 'The Cremation Regulations of 1902 (Revised 1930).
May I also take this opportunity to inform you that we have received several complaints about the activities associated with the operation of your 'Girlie Free Zone' esablishment. We understand that lewd and obscene behaviour, together with excessive noise (under the 'Noise & Statutory Nuisance Act of 1993), is being inflicted upon inhabitants of the area. I can advise you that investigations are currently underway to assess any breaches of law, cases of indecency or evidence of Satutory Nuisance.
It is believed we are close to tracking down the owner of an illegally parked tank, and the owner of a neglected sheepdog, found wandering in a state of distress and damaged nail polish. The defecations of this creature seem, almost definitely, to have contravened the Dogs (Fouling of Land) Act of 1996.
Finally, we have discovered a quantity of sheep's wool (for some reason intermingled with a variety of used condoms). From this we assume that you may well have disposed of fallen livestock. May I remind you that , under the 'Animal By Products Order' of 1999, any fallen stock may no longer be buried, excepting under special license from Department for The Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.
I hope this information is of use to you, and that you will comply with all relevant legislation herewith.
I remain
Your obedient servant
Rand. Y. Tificer
Keeper of the Nation's Morals and supporter of Hmmm Hmmm Wanderers Ladies' Rugby Team.
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Letter from Clerk to Swinging Heaven Municipal Boro
W Flintstone
Chairwoman of Swinging Heaven Hmm Hmm
Mr Rand. Y. Tificer
Clerk to Swinging Heaven Municipal Borough Council & Keeper Of All Things Furry
Shropshire
Thank you for your letter which arrived in a somewhat shabby state. I have noted the Acts in question and have treated them with the contempt they deserve. As you well know Mr Farticifer I am an upstanding member of this community and if I want to burn Mr Useless Flintstone along with his blue suede shoes and one eyed teddy bear then I will do so without fear of repercussion. Stick that in your clay pipe and smoke it.
With regard to the GFZ. I cannot help you there as there is no such thing a s a Girl Free Zone, we girlies can go where we like.
As for the owner of the tank issue. I have to sympathise with you on that one. He comes here, parks his tank up my drive, shoots his huge gun and leaves. When you catch him tell him he needs some briefs.
I do have a confession to make in connection with the sheepdog. His owner has thrown him out due to the sudden change in his behaviour. I am somewhat to blame for this and will collect old Fly from the pound in due course.
I make no comment about the sheep’s wool (Keep knitting girls
) for fear of incriminating myself.
May I add that at the annual show this year we will be doing a tasty line in lamb chops and various other cuts. I will be asking for volunteers to judge the most colourful willy warmer and of course I will be entering Fly into the best dressed dog competition. Your invitation will follow shortly.
Yours (if you want me)
W Flintstone
Owner of two tattoos and one discreet piercing
Chairwoman of Swinging Heaven Hmm Hmm
Mr Rand. Y. Tificer
Clerk to Swinging Heaven Municipal Borough Council & Keeper Of All Things Furry
Shropshire
Thank you for your letter which arrived in a somewhat shabby state. I have noted the Acts in question and have treated them with the contempt they deserve. As you well know Mr Farticifer I am an upstanding member of this community and if I want to burn Mr Useless Flintstone along with his blue suede shoes and one eyed teddy bear then I will do so without fear of repercussion. Stick that in your clay pipe and smoke it.
With regard to the GFZ. I cannot help you there as there is no such thing a s a Girl Free Zone, we girlies can go where we like.
As for the owner of the tank issue. I have to sympathise with you on that one. He comes here, parks his tank up my drive, shoots his huge gun and leaves. When you catch him tell him he needs some briefs.
I do have a confession to make in connection with the sheepdog. His owner has thrown him out due to the sudden change in his behaviour. I am somewhat to blame for this and will collect old Fly from the pound in due course.
I make no comment about the sheep’s wool (Keep knitting girls
) for fear of incriminating myself. May I add that at the annual show this year we will be doing a tasty line in lamb chops and various other cuts. I will be asking for volunteers to judge the most colourful willy warmer and of course I will be entering Fly into the best dressed dog competition. Your invitation will follow shortly.
Yours (if you want me)
W Flintstone
Owner of two tattoos and one discreet piercing
Formerly of Swinging heaven Municipal Borough Council
Dear Mrs Flintstone (or may I call you Wilma),
Following the recent complaints, I took it upon myself to 'research' the activities on your internet site (I think that is the correct terminology). Innocent as this was, I was apprehended in the act of furthering my research in the Gentleman's Room of the Borough Offices. Needless to say, I had little option but to tender my resignation-albeit, with strong protestations of my innocence. I confess, I found your website to be, how shall I say, stimulating, and have ordered a 'Rabbit' for the delectation of Mrs Agnes Tificer. I confess, I may have misjudged your 'society', and wonder if I may apply to join, purely in the interest of Mrs Tificer, and wish to register the 'non de plume' of 'Borough Bonker'. I trust this meets with your approval. As a special favour, may I have a copy of your photograph, and the address of Miss Misschief, who appears eminently capable of bringing me to order. I have taken the liberty of causing the parking fines for the tank, in the name of one Ernest Bilko D.S.O., to be expunged from the Borough records: I hope this may , as it were, 'sort' my invitation to the evening social known as 'Muncheon'.
I do so look forward to meeting you and Mr Fred (who I hope has recovered from his period atop the bonfire)
Yours Sincerely
R. Andy Tificer
Sex God
Im still whatching { sorry for the spelling 
ops: !!! )
ops: !!! ) (Scene: The Monday briefing of the Fleeing Squad -or The Swooney, in the vernacular. Inspector Jack Wrongun brings the room to order...)
'Right, SHUT IT! I'm the Swooney son, and I 'aven't 'ad my breakfast yet!!.
OK, listen in, we've been tipped off by our undercover bloke in cyberspace, PC FC, that one of our major targets is in 'iding in some site called 'Swingin' 'Eaven'' Now, you'll remember 'im: did a runner with the securities and bonds from the Municipal Borough Council, on or abart the 30 th February last. We think e's shacked up wiv some bird and her old man in Leicestershire, bleedin' funny pair, local uniform reckon they dress in animal skins. So, be careful, could be some sort of cult. Now, e's a cunning git, so take no chances, give 'im the old Swooney special , right under the ribs, before you bring 'im in for questioning. We'll take all the Granadas, no need to, but it 's fun, and I like humming the tune. Another thing, we think 'e may be involved wiv 'arms dealing': he was photographed shakin' 'ands wiv some geezer in a tank. We circulated photos via Interpol and FBI came back to us saying they were arfter this tank geezer for misappropriation of US Army Stores. Apparently, e's been 'at it' since the sixties.
We're going to bust these buggers this weekend, so all leave cancelled. PC FC has infiltrated 'em, and tells us they're meeting for some kind of orgy tomorrow night, at some gaff called 'GFZ'. We're going to get 'em when they're in the jacuzzi, no need to really, I just wanna see some tits. Right...SHUT IT!!...make sure you're all tooled up, this could be nasty. Keep a special look out for a scotch bird, Jugs or somefink, s'posed to be real mean...don't take risks and approach with caution.
Remember to read 'em their rights: 'We're the Swooney son, 'an you're nicked'
Right, draw sheepskin coats, kipper ties an' 600 fags from stores...gotta look the part.
See you all by the Granadas, tomorrow night, after Magic Roundabout.......
'Right, SHUT IT! I'm the Swooney son, and I 'aven't 'ad my breakfast yet!!.
OK, listen in, we've been tipped off by our undercover bloke in cyberspace, PC FC, that one of our major targets is in 'iding in some site called 'Swingin' 'Eaven'' Now, you'll remember 'im: did a runner with the securities and bonds from the Municipal Borough Council, on or abart the 30 th February last. We think e's shacked up wiv some bird and her old man in Leicestershire, bleedin' funny pair, local uniform reckon they dress in animal skins. So, be careful, could be some sort of cult. Now, e's a cunning git, so take no chances, give 'im the old Swooney special , right under the ribs, before you bring 'im in for questioning. We'll take all the Granadas, no need to, but it 's fun, and I like humming the tune. Another thing, we think 'e may be involved wiv 'arms dealing': he was photographed shakin' 'ands wiv some geezer in a tank. We circulated photos via Interpol and FBI came back to us saying they were arfter this tank geezer for misappropriation of US Army Stores. Apparently, e's been 'at it' since the sixties.
We're going to bust these buggers this weekend, so all leave cancelled. PC FC has infiltrated 'em, and tells us they're meeting for some kind of orgy tomorrow night, at some gaff called 'GFZ'. We're going to get 'em when they're in the jacuzzi, no need to really, I just wanna see some tits. Right...SHUT IT!!...make sure you're all tooled up, this could be nasty. Keep a special look out for a scotch bird, Jugs or somefink, s'posed to be real mean...don't take risks and approach with caution.
Remember to read 'em their rights: 'We're the Swooney son, 'an you're nicked'
Right, draw sheepskin coats, kipper ties an' 600 fags from stores...gotta look the part.
See you all by the Granadas, tomorrow night, after Magic Roundabout.......
Mr Rand. Y. Tificer
Former Clerk to Swinging Heaven Municipal Borough Council but still Keeper of all Things Furry
Dear Mr Pissifer
Your familiarity has not gone unnoticed and although I understand that having viewed my www you feel a closeness, I would ask you to refrain from calling me by my first name until I have checked out your credentials. Familiarity breeds tents you know!!
Ahh, Agnes, our devoted one. I take it that she has still not had the courage to confess to you of her association with SH Hmm Hmm. She is a gold dildo owner and we do not give them out wily nilly. Her services to the cause have not gone unnoticed by the committee and she will reap what she has sown.
Please tell her to up the dose of cod liver oil so that her hip joints are flexible enough for the next shaggathon. I have every faith she will reach the 300 this time. Such a pity she seized up at 287 on the previous occasion. The men were so impressed with “Aggie – The Shaggieâ€, as she is fondly known, that the fluffers were of little use.
Your case will be put forward at the next meeting for the title of Borough Bonker, You will hear from the Divine Sappho in due course. I will give you my signed photograph at the Muncheon should you pass for approval.
Miss Misschief is due to return shortly from a field trip to Sliding Heaven Hmm Hmm, our sister group. Sliding Heaven Hmm Hmm is a more up and down group unlike our back and forth approach. Miss Misschief also happened upon The Roundabout Hmm Hmm. She found them to be full of dizzy women who were lobbying for “go Faster†for their motto. Unfortunately, Ms Motion-Sickness put a stop to it all. As mad as a bag of cats that one.
I thank you kindly for the expungement of Ernie’s ticket. I do so enjoy his visits but his tank does leave wet patches all over my driveway. I am exhausted mopping up after he leaves. The neighbours are beginning to talk too.
I have taken pity on Fred and have rescued him from the flames. He is now residing in a huge pile of manure, which I have to say is nothing unusual, it’s only the depth that varies.
I too look forward to our meeting. I have heard you scrub up well for a country lad and if Fly is anything to go by, I could work wonders with you.
Excitedly yours
W Flintstone
Chairwoman of Swinging Heaven Hmm Hmm
It’s not all KY and Dolly Parton you know!
Former Clerk to Swinging Heaven Municipal Borough Council but still Keeper of all Things Furry
Dear Mr Pissifer
Your familiarity has not gone unnoticed and although I understand that having viewed my www you feel a closeness, I would ask you to refrain from calling me by my first name until I have checked out your credentials. Familiarity breeds tents you know!!
Ahh, Agnes, our devoted one. I take it that she has still not had the courage to confess to you of her association with SH Hmm Hmm. She is a gold dildo owner and we do not give them out wily nilly. Her services to the cause have not gone unnoticed by the committee and she will reap what she has sown.
Please tell her to up the dose of cod liver oil so that her hip joints are flexible enough for the next shaggathon. I have every faith she will reach the 300 this time. Such a pity she seized up at 287 on the previous occasion. The men were so impressed with “Aggie – The Shaggieâ€, as she is fondly known, that the fluffers were of little use.
Your case will be put forward at the next meeting for the title of Borough Bonker, You will hear from the Divine Sappho in due course. I will give you my signed photograph at the Muncheon should you pass for approval.
Miss Misschief is due to return shortly from a field trip to Sliding Heaven Hmm Hmm, our sister group. Sliding Heaven Hmm Hmm is a more up and down group unlike our back and forth approach. Miss Misschief also happened upon The Roundabout Hmm Hmm. She found them to be full of dizzy women who were lobbying for “go Faster†for their motto. Unfortunately, Ms Motion-Sickness put a stop to it all. As mad as a bag of cats that one.
I thank you kindly for the expungement of Ernie’s ticket. I do so enjoy his visits but his tank does leave wet patches all over my driveway. I am exhausted mopping up after he leaves. The neighbours are beginning to talk too.
I have taken pity on Fred and have rescued him from the flames. He is now residing in a huge pile of manure, which I have to say is nothing unusual, it’s only the depth that varies.
I too look forward to our meeting. I have heard you scrub up well for a country lad and if Fly is anything to go by, I could work wonders with you.
Excitedly yours
W Flintstone
Chairwoman of Swinging Heaven Hmm Hmm
It’s not all KY and Dolly Parton you know!
Sex God
Clerk Swinging Heaven Municipal Council
Anytime
Anyplace
Anywhere
Dear sir,
Re: your letter dated 8th April 2004 ref: G08SH1TE
As a founder member of the Organisation for Rural Activities and Leisure, O.R.A.L. and as an individual council tax payer whose property borders the community property referred to in your letter, I feel it only right to ensure that my views are held on your file at the Councils Headquarters.
It would seem that your predecessor a Mr. R. Tificer esq. Wrote a letter to my neighbours alleging without a shread of proof that the property was being used in a manner that contravened both national and local laws.
Whilst my views have no grounding in fact and are only hearsay, I do feel that they should be taken into account . My properties close proximity to the GFZ does mean that whilst I cannot see because of the fence panels and hedging that are further protected by razor wire and trenches that are frequently patrolled by uniformed guards under the command of a Sgt. Bilko, I can at least hear what is going on .
This group meet socially every weekend and I can assure you that they have never caused me or the other residents in the street any trouble. Yes the guy with the tank has caused some curb and verge damage but it has to be said that his presence, has given extra comfort to the local residents as not only does he provide security for the GFZ, but has also been seen clambering over neighbouring properties at night and peering through windows. This is clearly an attempt to check that the woman folk in the area are indeed safe in their own homes, something which the local police have thus far been unable to do, with the exception of the local beat bobby P.C. FC.
This particular constable also patrols our street regularly and is a frequent visitor to my neighbours establishment where as I understand, he has taken community policing to a new level. I myself have heard him inviting the ladies to ‘try his helmet’ and to ‘blow his whistle’ This must in itself demonstrate a high commitment to community members.
As for the members themselves I can also assure you that their activities are nothing more than charitable and innocent. Again I can only hear what’s going on but I do know that these ladies activities can only be law abiding and innocent. Flower arranging seems to be popular ,as I have often heard them speaking about ‘ a daisy chain’ they also seem to enjoy a barbeque as the term ‘spit roast’ is often heard and I also assume that they own tandem and enjoy a ride in the country together as I hear that they are going ‘two up’
There has only been one lewd act in this propery that I am aware of but this was stopped as soon as it began when I told my wife Mrs davej, to get back over the fence and to stop being silly.
I am not aware of the dog that you refer too but again I can assure you that these ladies make every effort to clean away any fouling as I often hear the shout ‘NOT WITHOUT A RUBBER’ or ‘NOT WITHOUT PROTECTION’ a clear reference to the disposable gloves one can get for these tasks.
Should you require further assistance then please contact me at the address below.
Yours sincerely
Mr. Bator
6 Inchcock Lane
Gobblesham
Herts
Anytime
Anyplace
Anywhere
Dear sir,
Re: your letter dated 8th April 2004 ref: G08SH1TE
As a founder member of the Organisation for Rural Activities and Leisure, O.R.A.L. and as an individual council tax payer whose property borders the community property referred to in your letter, I feel it only right to ensure that my views are held on your file at the Councils Headquarters.
It would seem that your predecessor a Mr. R. Tificer esq. Wrote a letter to my neighbours alleging without a shread of proof that the property was being used in a manner that contravened both national and local laws.
Whilst my views have no grounding in fact and are only hearsay, I do feel that they should be taken into account . My properties close proximity to the GFZ does mean that whilst I cannot see because of the fence panels and hedging that are further protected by razor wire and trenches that are frequently patrolled by uniformed guards under the command of a Sgt. Bilko, I can at least hear what is going on .
This group meet socially every weekend and I can assure you that they have never caused me or the other residents in the street any trouble. Yes the guy with the tank has caused some curb and verge damage but it has to be said that his presence, has given extra comfort to the local residents as not only does he provide security for the GFZ, but has also been seen clambering over neighbouring properties at night and peering through windows. This is clearly an attempt to check that the woman folk in the area are indeed safe in their own homes, something which the local police have thus far been unable to do, with the exception of the local beat bobby P.C. FC.
This particular constable also patrols our street regularly and is a frequent visitor to my neighbours establishment where as I understand, he has taken community policing to a new level. I myself have heard him inviting the ladies to ‘try his helmet’ and to ‘blow his whistle’ This must in itself demonstrate a high commitment to community members.
As for the members themselves I can also assure you that their activities are nothing more than charitable and innocent. Again I can only hear what’s going on but I do know that these ladies activities can only be law abiding and innocent. Flower arranging seems to be popular ,as I have often heard them speaking about ‘ a daisy chain’ they also seem to enjoy a barbeque as the term ‘spit roast’ is often heard and I also assume that they own tandem and enjoy a ride in the country together as I hear that they are going ‘two up’
There has only been one lewd act in this propery that I am aware of but this was stopped as soon as it began when I told my wife Mrs davej, to get back over the fence and to stop being silly.
I am not aware of the dog that you refer too but again I can assure you that these ladies make every effort to clean away any fouling as I often hear the shout ‘NOT WITHOUT A RUBBER’ or ‘NOT WITHOUT PROTECTION’ a clear reference to the disposable gloves one can get for these tasks.
Should you require further assistance then please contact me at the address below.
Yours sincerely
Mr. Bator
6 Inchcock Lane
Gobblesham
Herts
Felicity Fillmee
Acting Clerk
Swinging Heaven Borough Council
Mrs Flintstone/Mr DaveJ
Like WOW!!
I mean, I was, like KNOCKED OUT by your letters man. I should explain. It's all real cool, so just chill people.
My predecessor was supposed to be, like THE MAN, a real straight dude, but turns out he thinned out man, with ,like, all the money. Wicked!! So they had to ,like, LOSE all the old attitudes and all that old fogey shit. WICKED! Said the peeps in the Borough was, like, not connecting with them, d' ya know what I mean? The big boss dude, Mr Mayor, decided the Council was like, SO analy retentive, and swapped all the old guys for new people. I was a temp, in accounts, really gross shit man, and then he, like , gives me this job. COOL!
He's made it, like , compulsory to use upward intonation, and , we're holding a Borough version of 'I'm a celebrity Get Me Out of Here' . Hey, man, why dont you cool peeps send a team! WICKED!! We get long smoke breaks, subsidised bottles of water, and , this'll freak you, we caught Mr Mayor 'skinning up' in his office. WICKED!! He's SO chilled.
Anyway, he says I gotta write and tell you it's all OK, like, whatever you do, it's all cool with him. He says he wants to do a site visit and 'check you all out'.
Oh, yeah, and BIG HUGS to that PCFC XXXXXX MUAH!! Hey, he's real cool, let's us girls feel his helmet. Not like that other Copper....Jack Wrongun....REAL GREB.....wore a sheepskin coat and kept shouting 'SHUT IT' all over, like, SO up himself. Said he'd come to get the money back and that we would all be 'banged to rights' cos' we was all puffs an' lezzies 'an commies 'an he was 'The Swooney' and he hadn't had his breakfast yet. Like, what is breakfast? Freaky! Anyway, he said he was coming over to your 'gaff' to bust some 'orgy' (hey, is that for real,like, I SO need a fuck right now, my boyfriend is, like, hair -triggered, d 'ya know what I mean?). Mr Mayor said I was to, like ,warn you all.
So, you're warned peeps.
Right, gotta go. Mr Mayor's organised a big tank of water and we're all gonna do this thing where you 'go back' to when you were born, and lose all that stress and pain and shit. Reversion or something. Sounds, like SO great.
Mr Mayor says save him a seat in 'you know where' and says 'just stay cool'
Bye Guys
Love you
Flissxxx
Acting Clerk
Swinging Heaven Borough Council
Mrs Flintstone/Mr DaveJ
Like WOW!!
I mean, I was, like KNOCKED OUT by your letters man. I should explain. It's all real cool, so just chill people.
My predecessor was supposed to be, like THE MAN, a real straight dude, but turns out he thinned out man, with ,like, all the money. Wicked!! So they had to ,like, LOSE all the old attitudes and all that old fogey shit. WICKED! Said the peeps in the Borough was, like, not connecting with them, d' ya know what I mean? The big boss dude, Mr Mayor, decided the Council was like, SO analy retentive, and swapped all the old guys for new people. I was a temp, in accounts, really gross shit man, and then he, like , gives me this job. COOL!
He's made it, like , compulsory to use upward intonation, and , we're holding a Borough version of 'I'm a celebrity Get Me Out of Here' . Hey, man, why dont you cool peeps send a team! WICKED!! We get long smoke breaks, subsidised bottles of water, and , this'll freak you, we caught Mr Mayor 'skinning up' in his office. WICKED!! He's SO chilled.
Anyway, he says I gotta write and tell you it's all OK, like, whatever you do, it's all cool with him. He says he wants to do a site visit and 'check you all out'.
Oh, yeah, and BIG HUGS to that PCFC XXXXXX MUAH!! Hey, he's real cool, let's us girls feel his helmet. Not like that other Copper....Jack Wrongun....REAL GREB.....wore a sheepskin coat and kept shouting 'SHUT IT' all over, like, SO up himself. Said he'd come to get the money back and that we would all be 'banged to rights' cos' we was all puffs an' lezzies 'an commies 'an he was 'The Swooney' and he hadn't had his breakfast yet. Like, what is breakfast? Freaky! Anyway, he said he was coming over to your 'gaff' to bust some 'orgy' (hey, is that for real,like, I SO need a fuck right now, my boyfriend is, like, hair -triggered, d 'ya know what I mean?). Mr Mayor said I was to, like ,warn you all.
So, you're warned peeps.
Right, gotta go. Mr Mayor's organised a big tank of water and we're all gonna do this thing where you 'go back' to when you were born, and lose all that stress and pain and shit. Reversion or something. Sounds, like SO great.
Mr Mayor says save him a seat in 'you know where' and says 'just stay cool'
Bye Guys
Love you
Flissxxx
Sex God
Dear Ms. Fillmee,
Ref: your letter to Mrs Flintstone and Mr Bator
As one of the Councillors that have been removed from office by Mr Mayor, as part of his sweeping new reform plans, I really feel that I must make it a matter of record that I and several other ladies of long standing within the borough regard recent events and actions as being intolerable.
This whole sorry episode started when the fine and previously upstanding Mr. R. Tificer received information concerning the activities of a group of people who as I understand it where soliciting advice on how to best burn one of their men folk. Now I do not work within the legal profession but I am quite sure that the burning of a spouse is at this time an activity that is either illegal or at the very least frowned upon within the country as a whole and particularly within this sleepy Hamlet of which I am so proud. It matters not a jot that the gentleman they were planning to burn is well known in the village to be a womanising, thug of a man who drinks to excess with a number of other erstwhile cronies who regularly turn the air blue with their filthy language and toilet humour. Why only the other day he came into the tea rooms where I do voluntary work and said in a load raucous voice “two sticky buns and how about sliding around on me face darlin“. Why if my dear husband the late Captain Fellatio Rimmer was alive he would have given this gentleman a severe talking to.
Had Mr. R. Tificer not been dragged into this group, I am sure we wouldn’t be facing the reforms that are shortly to be foisted upon us by the new liberal namby pamby attitudes that now prevail at Borough Headquarters. I for one was sorry to see Mr. R. Tificer resign but I do understand that the episode which forced his resignation, was particularly distressing for the councils cleaning lady Mrs Shuttleworth who after finding Mr Tificer in the compromising position with the ‘blow up love Ewe’ in the gentlemans rest room was inconsolable.
The councils liberal attitudes are now surfacing along the high street, with Mr. Wimbles old Wool shop, now being used by a company called Lubeits that sells all sorts of equipment that supposedly improves relationships, although how objects that glow in the dark, run off batteries and generally look as though they should be used to plant a crop of vegetables or to dig holes in the road with can do this is beyond me. What ever happened to a night in front of the fire with a scrabble board and a dictionary.
I am now hearing that the planned raid by Jack Wrongun of the Swooney, may be leaked to this community and thereby give them the opportunity to cover up any nefarious activities and thereby retain their liquor and dance licence. My personnel relationship with Mr Wrongun (Slack Jack to his friends) is a long one and I am therefore in a position to keep him informed of the councils interference with the lawfull activities of the villages Swooney Division.
Should the Mayor continue to provide cover, shelter and succour to this group of individuals, I will have no option but to use my connections that are still in office at this time to oust him and take over control of the council myself and return us to the important and wholesome issues that we as a community should be dealing with such as
The removal of the swing heaven group
The closure of Lubeits sex shop
Litter picking along the verges every other Wednesday
Reinstatement of the monthly jam makers club
Reinstatement of the curfew on all persons after 9pm
This and other matters must be addressed to save our Hamlet from being hi-jacked by this liberal council who have lost all reason .
Yours sincerely
Prudence Minge
Secretary to the ladies into tweed association
Labia Avenue
comely on Sea
Ref: your letter to Mrs Flintstone and Mr Bator
As one of the Councillors that have been removed from office by Mr Mayor, as part of his sweeping new reform plans, I really feel that I must make it a matter of record that I and several other ladies of long standing within the borough regard recent events and actions as being intolerable.
This whole sorry episode started when the fine and previously upstanding Mr. R. Tificer received information concerning the activities of a group of people who as I understand it where soliciting advice on how to best burn one of their men folk. Now I do not work within the legal profession but I am quite sure that the burning of a spouse is at this time an activity that is either illegal or at the very least frowned upon within the country as a whole and particularly within this sleepy Hamlet of which I am so proud. It matters not a jot that the gentleman they were planning to burn is well known in the village to be a womanising, thug of a man who drinks to excess with a number of other erstwhile cronies who regularly turn the air blue with their filthy language and toilet humour. Why only the other day he came into the tea rooms where I do voluntary work and said in a load raucous voice “two sticky buns and how about sliding around on me face darlin“. Why if my dear husband the late Captain Fellatio Rimmer was alive he would have given this gentleman a severe talking to.
Had Mr. R. Tificer not been dragged into this group, I am sure we wouldn’t be facing the reforms that are shortly to be foisted upon us by the new liberal namby pamby attitudes that now prevail at Borough Headquarters. I for one was sorry to see Mr. R. Tificer resign but I do understand that the episode which forced his resignation, was particularly distressing for the councils cleaning lady Mrs Shuttleworth who after finding Mr Tificer in the compromising position with the ‘blow up love Ewe’ in the gentlemans rest room was inconsolable.
The councils liberal attitudes are now surfacing along the high street, with Mr. Wimbles old Wool shop, now being used by a company called Lubeits that sells all sorts of equipment that supposedly improves relationships, although how objects that glow in the dark, run off batteries and generally look as though they should be used to plant a crop of vegetables or to dig holes in the road with can do this is beyond me. What ever happened to a night in front of the fire with a scrabble board and a dictionary.
I am now hearing that the planned raid by Jack Wrongun of the Swooney, may be leaked to this community and thereby give them the opportunity to cover up any nefarious activities and thereby retain their liquor and dance licence. My personnel relationship with Mr Wrongun (Slack Jack to his friends) is a long one and I am therefore in a position to keep him informed of the councils interference with the lawfull activities of the villages Swooney Division.
Should the Mayor continue to provide cover, shelter and succour to this group of individuals, I will have no option but to use my connections that are still in office at this time to oust him and take over control of the council myself and return us to the important and wholesome issues that we as a community should be dealing with such as
The removal of the swing heaven group
The closure of Lubeits sex shop
Litter picking along the verges every other Wednesday
Reinstatement of the monthly jam makers club
Reinstatement of the curfew on all persons after 9pm
This and other matters must be addressed to save our Hamlet from being hi-jacked by this liberal council who have lost all reason .
Yours sincerely
Prudence Minge
Secretary to the ladies into tweed association
Labia Avenue
comely on Sea
Prudence Minge
Secretary to Ladies into Tweed
Swinging Heaven,
Fraulein,
Jawohl, ich bin of de zame opinion az you: I am zick unt tired of ze loony, liberalz und zer stupidd ideaz. Sie sinds alles sheizkopfen! I am knowing zat Felicity Fillmee ist zwei maenner having und ist joining der GFZ as ein serving vench. Herr Mayor ist ein IDIOT und should be shot,no, I mean, schpoken to! I am vanting to sprech mit him, as zoon as ist possible, das ist, me und meine freunde. We are making an 'association', to schtamp out this liberal nonesense und return Schwingink Heaven to its previous state, by any means zat it takes!! we have designed 'a solution' zat vill get rid of Herr Mayor, und his untermenschen, very, very zoon! Ja, wir will INVADE DER GFZ!!!! Mein boyz sind ready und habt de uniformz und der baseball batz!!! Sie habt shaven their headz und put on ze Jackbootz. wir will 'sort out' them Scwingerz for gut!!
(Wir might vait until Fraulein Jags ist on holidayz, aber zen, wir marchen auf der GFZ). Kein schwingerz will remain, WIR HABT DIE SOLUTION!! 'DIE ASSOCIATION OF GOOD PATRIOTS AND SOCIAL REFORMERS' (das ist us) WILL NOT LET THE ARIAN, sorry, I meant moral CODE DISAPPEAR FROM THE MOTHERLANDT!! WIR SIND NICHT AFRAID OF HAUPTMANN BILKO UND HIS TANK, PIFFLE, ES IST KEIN PANZER!! ES IST SCHEIZE TANK!! HAHA!! UND DAS SCHTONE AGE MANN..HAHA..HE CAN POLISH UNSER JACKBOOTEN. JAWOHL!! TODAY GFZ, TOMORROW....POLAND!!!!
Ahem, forgive me Fraulein, I am quite committed to 'my struggle', or 'Mein Campf' as my grandvater used to say.
I hope zat you are very well, und enjoying ze Scpring sunshine; perhaps we can take tea together one day soon?
I hope zat our association can help rid you of zese scum, sorry, individuals
Yours in Honour
V.W. Golfgotten
Upschtanddownsitzhauptmann
Association of Good Patriots und Social Reformers
Secretary to Ladies into Tweed
Swinging Heaven,
Fraulein,
Jawohl, ich bin of de zame opinion az you: I am zick unt tired of ze loony, liberalz und zer stupidd ideaz. Sie sinds alles sheizkopfen! I am knowing zat Felicity Fillmee ist zwei maenner having und ist joining der GFZ as ein serving vench. Herr Mayor ist ein IDIOT und should be shot,no, I mean, schpoken to! I am vanting to sprech mit him, as zoon as ist possible, das ist, me und meine freunde. We are making an 'association', to schtamp out this liberal nonesense und return Schwingink Heaven to its previous state, by any means zat it takes!! we have designed 'a solution' zat vill get rid of Herr Mayor, und his untermenschen, very, very zoon! Ja, wir will INVADE DER GFZ!!!! Mein boyz sind ready und habt de uniformz und der baseball batz!!! Sie habt shaven their headz und put on ze Jackbootz. wir will 'sort out' them Scwingerz for gut!!
(Wir might vait until Fraulein Jags ist on holidayz, aber zen, wir marchen auf der GFZ). Kein schwingerz will remain, WIR HABT DIE SOLUTION!! 'DIE ASSOCIATION OF GOOD PATRIOTS AND SOCIAL REFORMERS' (das ist us) WILL NOT LET THE ARIAN, sorry, I meant moral CODE DISAPPEAR FROM THE MOTHERLANDT!! WIR SIND NICHT AFRAID OF HAUPTMANN BILKO UND HIS TANK, PIFFLE, ES IST KEIN PANZER!! ES IST SCHEIZE TANK!! HAHA!! UND DAS SCHTONE AGE MANN..HAHA..HE CAN POLISH UNSER JACKBOOTEN. JAWOHL!! TODAY GFZ, TOMORROW....POLAND!!!!
Ahem, forgive me Fraulein, I am quite committed to 'my struggle', or 'Mein Campf' as my grandvater used to say.
I hope zat you are very well, und enjoying ze Scpring sunshine; perhaps we can take tea together one day soon?
I hope zat our association can help rid you of zese scum, sorry, individuals
Yours in Honour
V.W. Golfgotten
Upschtanddownsitzhauptmann
Association of Good Patriots und Social Reformers
Sex God
Arti I just gotta say you have fucked me with that one 
so give us some time but as Arnie would say....
I'll be back
so give us some time but as Arnie would say....I'll be back
Sex God
Dear Kraut
Me name is Wayne but me mates call me spliff daddy so use can do da same
me ole gran, Prud Minge, is away rite naw an she got me lokin after the ouse and as ask me to take care of fings wyll she is away.
First fing I would say, is me spellin and gramer aint de best but dats de result of de yuff culture what I grew up in. From yer letter me and me girl cinfia, rekon dat you wanna elp me ol gran to sort out dis bunch of swingers down de road. I opes dis aint no joke and you aint dissin me ol gran cos she is well pissed off about it. We rekon it wood be well bling if yer can elp her cos she aint no spring chiken no more and cant stand de bovver any more.
Naw just to fill yer in on whats been appenin here. Me an me mates ave been dan there and give it large with de ol getto blaster and given der fence a rite kickin. Well I can tell you dat dem old foggies dan there don’t mutch like Eminem an Snoop Doggy Dog an I fink we is getting em well pissed off. Dey ave tried to put dat PC FC onto us but for fuck sake he got no rispec from us an we give im some serious words , so wats he do well he goes dan de road and comes back with dat caveman bloke who stans in de street and shats an ollers at us but is to fat to chase us sos we runs away laffin. Next fuckin stunt theys trys to pull is to get dat old gezer with da tank out after us , yea a fuckin tank, no pullin yer pissa man. Well tank or nor it aint no fuckin match for me mates 1988 golf with a bling kenwood sand system wicked! so we’s leaves im standing and when we gets far enuff away we sticks our fingers up wot a larf.
Wot we ave noticed though is dat dees ol geezas ave got some rite tasty birds on der arms but we rekons they are only wif em cos dey are ritch and we is planning to go dan there and shows em our cocks cos we nose they are gonna be imprest wiv dat, wot ja fink of dat for a plan, we fink it will piss off de ol geezers and wen dey chases us you and your blokes can nip in an take over the billdin.
I will tell me gran about ya wen she gets back from bornmuff and perhaps my plan can be used to get des peopless outa me grans air.
We will send yer sum moni for the trip and only need a couple of good bag snaches on penshun day to be able to afford to get yer over to finalize the plans to get shot of des peoples .
Respect to ya jiggy boom man
Me name is Wayne but me mates call me spliff daddy so use can do da same
me ole gran, Prud Minge, is away rite naw an she got me lokin after the ouse and as ask me to take care of fings wyll she is away.
First fing I would say, is me spellin and gramer aint de best but dats de result of de yuff culture what I grew up in. From yer letter me and me girl cinfia, rekon dat you wanna elp me ol gran to sort out dis bunch of swingers down de road. I opes dis aint no joke and you aint dissin me ol gran cos she is well pissed off about it. We rekon it wood be well bling if yer can elp her cos she aint no spring chiken no more and cant stand de bovver any more.
Naw just to fill yer in on whats been appenin here. Me an me mates ave been dan there and give it large with de ol getto blaster and given der fence a rite kickin. Well I can tell you dat dem old foggies dan there don’t mutch like Eminem an Snoop Doggy Dog an I fink we is getting em well pissed off. Dey ave tried to put dat PC FC onto us but for fuck sake he got no rispec from us an we give im some serious words , so wats he do well he goes dan de road and comes back with dat caveman bloke who stans in de street and shats an ollers at us but is to fat to chase us sos we runs away laffin. Next fuckin stunt theys trys to pull is to get dat old gezer with da tank out after us , yea a fuckin tank, no pullin yer pissa man. Well tank or nor it aint no fuckin match for me mates 1988 golf with a bling kenwood sand system wicked! so we’s leaves im standing and when we gets far enuff away we sticks our fingers up wot a larf.
Wot we ave noticed though is dat dees ol geezas ave got some rite tasty birds on der arms but we rekons they are only wif em cos dey are ritch and we is planning to go dan there and shows em our cocks cos we nose they are gonna be imprest wiv dat, wot ja fink of dat for a plan, we fink it will piss off de ol geezers and wen dey chases us you and your blokes can nip in an take over the billdin.
I will tell me gran about ya wen she gets back from bornmuff and perhaps my plan can be used to get des peopless outa me grans air.
We will send yer sum moni for the trip and only need a couple of good bag snaches on penshun day to be able to afford to get yer over to finalize the plans to get shot of des peoples .
Respect to ya jiggy boom man
Location:
221b Baker Street, London W1. The mourful strains of a violin drift through the room....
'Good Morning Holmes. Oh, by Jove, Mrs Hudson has brought the kippers. Good show!
I say Holmes, you have that look again....are you...on a case?'
'My dear Watson, I have received a letter from my old friend Inspector Wrongun of 'The Yard'. He needs help.'
'My goodness, I expect you gleaned that from the depth of the ink on the paper, added to the slightly angled writing overlaid with a tearstain, not quite removed from the paper.....?'
'No Watson, he said so.'
'Damnation, Holmes. This detective stuff is all too much for me.'
'Never mind that, my good fellow, it appears that the nation is in peril. The small, but perfectly formed, town of Swinging Heaven, has been infiltrated by several organisations of evil intent. Inspector Wrongun is convinced that Neo-Nazi's, Loony Liberals and London Street Gangs are all moving in to this tranquil place, though we do not, yet, know why. It is evident that Government funds may have been embezzled by a former employee, arms are being peddled by an outcast from the American Army, the local constabulary are implicitly involved, and-now brace yourself Watson-innocent chickens have been 'abused' .
' My God Holmes, this is outrageous!'
'There is worse Watson, much worse. It appears that there has been an all out attack on the moral rectitude of the town: people are...you are seated aren't you my friend, for this is abominable,...people are exchanging their partners...in a sexual way!'
'Blast it Holmes, where is my trusty service revolver!! I'll get the Bradshaw and we shall catch the next steam train from Paddington, we'll.......'
'No, my dear fellow, we must not be too hasty. My detective instincts tell me that something more is afoot. Do you remember that day, on the Richenbach Falls, when Moriarty and I were locked in a deadly struggle?'
'Why yes Holmes, I thought I had lost my dearest friend.'
'Indeed. Well, as Moriarty tumbled over the precipice, he shouted something about 'I'll be back and you will all swing for this one day'. Yes old man, I fear that my arch enemy, the most evil man in the world, has returned, and is planning some demonic deed in the midst of this tranquil little town. In short, this may be the start of ....swinging!'
'Good God man, keep your voice down, Mrs Hudson might hear'
'No time for niceties Watson: the moral welfare, and indeed the security, of our great nation is at stake. I shall don one of my brilliant disguises and infiltrate this den of iniquity.
Call a Hansom Watson, and tell the fellow to put his fastest horses in the shafts; we have work to do.....'
221b Baker Street, London W1. The mourful strains of a violin drift through the room....
'Good Morning Holmes. Oh, by Jove, Mrs Hudson has brought the kippers. Good show!
I say Holmes, you have that look again....are you...on a case?'
'My dear Watson, I have received a letter from my old friend Inspector Wrongun of 'The Yard'. He needs help.'
'My goodness, I expect you gleaned that from the depth of the ink on the paper, added to the slightly angled writing overlaid with a tearstain, not quite removed from the paper.....?'
'No Watson, he said so.'
'Damnation, Holmes. This detective stuff is all too much for me.'
'Never mind that, my good fellow, it appears that the nation is in peril. The small, but perfectly formed, town of Swinging Heaven, has been infiltrated by several organisations of evil intent. Inspector Wrongun is convinced that Neo-Nazi's, Loony Liberals and London Street Gangs are all moving in to this tranquil place, though we do not, yet, know why. It is evident that Government funds may have been embezzled by a former employee, arms are being peddled by an outcast from the American Army, the local constabulary are implicitly involved, and-now brace yourself Watson-innocent chickens have been 'abused' .
' My God Holmes, this is outrageous!'
'There is worse Watson, much worse. It appears that there has been an all out attack on the moral rectitude of the town: people are...you are seated aren't you my friend, for this is abominable,...people are exchanging their partners...in a sexual way!'
'Blast it Holmes, where is my trusty service revolver!! I'll get the Bradshaw and we shall catch the next steam train from Paddington, we'll.......'
'No, my dear fellow, we must not be too hasty. My detective instincts tell me that something more is afoot. Do you remember that day, on the Richenbach Falls, when Moriarty and I were locked in a deadly struggle?'
'Why yes Holmes, I thought I had lost my dearest friend.'
'Indeed. Well, as Moriarty tumbled over the precipice, he shouted something about 'I'll be back and you will all swing for this one day'. Yes old man, I fear that my arch enemy, the most evil man in the world, has returned, and is planning some demonic deed in the midst of this tranquil little town. In short, this may be the start of ....swinging!'
'Good God man, keep your voice down, Mrs Hudson might hear'
'No time for niceties Watson: the moral welfare, and indeed the security, of our great nation is at stake. I shall don one of my brilliant disguises and infiltrate this den of iniquity.
Call a Hansom Watson, and tell the fellow to put his fastest horses in the shafts; we have work to do.....'
Sex God
...somewhere deep underground in the U.S of A
Keeerplunk!...sssplaaat!...kaboooom!... aaaah!
My God Boy Wonder, did you have to do that in such a small cave couldnt you have gone when we was upstairs in the Manor.
Trembling turds Batman I just couldnt wait.
O.K. listen up Robin our British co- crime fighters Holmes and Watson have a tricky case on and we might be called upon to help. Alfred our faithfull butler has heard from his old flame Mrs Hudson of a case involving a British village called Swingheaven Where anarchy and meyhem is stating to reign.
Holy hair balls Batman tell me more.
A group of British swingers gather each weekend to play around together.. you know the type of thing Robin, enjoying sex with each other and not always in seperate rooms with the lights off.
Sufffering sex scenes Batman that sounds fun.
Its not for us to make judgement Robin its our job to assist all crime fighhters in their quest to rid the world of evil.
Whhisssshhh!.....ssssslllapp...sssslapp....sssslappp...blaaash....blaaash..bla
STOP THAT ROBIN AND PUT YOUR MAN TAIL BACK IN YOUR TIGHTS AT ONCE!!!!
Blaaash!... blash!..blash!..blash!.... ssppllurrrrt!...plut! ...plut!.....aaaahh! sorry Batman but I have never been with a woman and just the thought well..
Robin control yourself we are upholders of the peace, moral leaders that are looked on the world over to set an example of pure living. If our British cousin calls us to assist we must be seen as strong with sound morals
Gobbling gonads Batman I know all that but perhaps just a sniff of the Catwoman and I might then not keep thinking about getting my rocks off.
Remain strong old friend it wont be long but first we must make ourselves prepared to assist Holmes should he need us, ring Albert on the Bat phone and tell him I want information on the following:-
Mr R Tificer
Mrs Prudence Minge
Spliff Daddy
V.W. Golfgotten
Mr Bator
Ms. Filmee
The members of Swing heaven
Swinging shlongs Batman thats a lot of information you want.
We must leave no stone unturned Robin the threat to decency, lawfullness, and peace at this time is limited to the village of Swingheaven but with the world so full of evil its no telling how this could spread if we dont understand those that are involved.
In the meantime Robin keep a watchfull eye to the night skies in case the Bat symbol calls us to assist.
Will do Batman...fflllaaaarp.....flarp.......flar...fla...fl...splat...eer fuck Batman do we have any more tights in the wash!.
Keeerplunk!...sssplaaat!...kaboooom!... aaaah!
My God Boy Wonder, did you have to do that in such a small cave couldnt you have gone when we was upstairs in the Manor.
Trembling turds Batman I just couldnt wait.
O.K. listen up Robin our British co- crime fighters Holmes and Watson have a tricky case on and we might be called upon to help. Alfred our faithfull butler has heard from his old flame Mrs Hudson of a case involving a British village called Swingheaven Where anarchy and meyhem is stating to reign.
Holy hair balls Batman tell me more.
A group of British swingers gather each weekend to play around together.. you know the type of thing Robin, enjoying sex with each other and not always in seperate rooms with the lights off.
Sufffering sex scenes Batman that sounds fun.
Its not for us to make judgement Robin its our job to assist all crime fighhters in their quest to rid the world of evil.
Whhisssshhh!.....ssssslllapp...sssslapp....sssslappp...blaaash....blaaash..bla
STOP THAT ROBIN AND PUT YOUR MAN TAIL BACK IN YOUR TIGHTS AT ONCE!!!!
Blaaash!... blash!..blash!..blash!.... ssppllurrrrt!...plut! ...plut!.....aaaahh! sorry Batman but I have never been with a woman and just the thought well..
Robin control yourself we are upholders of the peace, moral leaders that are looked on the world over to set an example of pure living. If our British cousin calls us to assist we must be seen as strong with sound morals
Gobbling gonads Batman I know all that but perhaps just a sniff of the Catwoman and I might then not keep thinking about getting my rocks off.
Remain strong old friend it wont be long but first we must make ourselves prepared to assist Holmes should he need us, ring Albert on the Bat phone and tell him I want information on the following:-
Mr R Tificer
Mrs Prudence Minge
Spliff Daddy
V.W. Golfgotten
Mr Bator
Ms. Filmee
The members of Swing heaven
Swinging shlongs Batman thats a lot of information you want.
We must leave no stone unturned Robin the threat to decency, lawfullness, and peace at this time is limited to the village of Swingheaven but with the world so full of evil its no telling how this could spread if we dont understand those that are involved.
In the meantime Robin keep a watchfull eye to the night skies in case the Bat symbol calls us to assist.
Will do Batman...fflllaaaarp.....flarp.......flar...fla...fl...splat...eer fuck Batman do we have any more tights in the wash!.
Internal Memorandum
To: Sgt Bilko
From: Steveg_nw
Date: 11th April 2004
cc: All members of the GFZ
Internal Security of the GFZ
There are some rather disturbing rumours going round that I think need bringing to your attention. I was in the jacuzzi last night with a rather delightful young lady that I haven't seen before, Fliss she said her name was. She works down the local council.
Apparently we're under investigation by the Swooney. It was difficult to understand what she was talking about at times, I think she might be foreign. It took a while but eventually she managed to explain that Jack Wrongun, silly old sod that he is, has got a bee in his bonnet about having his membership revoked. His wife is on serving wench duties tonight. I think one of us should have a word in her ear and get her to put him back in his place. Be tactful though, I'm not sure just how much faith we can put into what Fliss says, she even thought I was 'wicked' for some reason.
Do you remember Prudence Minge? Apparently she's out again. I thought we'd seen the last of her when she was locked up the last time but some idiot approved her discharge. Have a look in the fancy dress locker and see if you can find some old whips and a leather basque. If we send her a present it might keep her quiet for a bit. She's never been the same Carpathian & Misschief broke the village stocks that time. She was very fond of them for some reason.
That grandson of hers is becoming a bit of a nuisance too. Wayne I think he's called. I think he and Fliss would get on very well but I'm not sure she'd be interested until his balls had dropped. I'll have to have a word with her the next time I see her in the jacuzzi.
I've also had e-mails from Alfred and Mrs Hudson. They used to be well respected figures round here and were two of the founding members. They've been telling me how they're 'doing their bit' for the zone by sending their employers on a wild goose chase to sort out some uppity women at some institute or other. I think we should invite them round for a reunion whilst their employers are away.
I'll keep you updated if I hear anything more.
Steve
CLASSIFIED: TOP SECRET
THIS IS NOT A DRILL. IMPORTANT INFORMATION CONTAINED WITHIN.
Fellow Residents of Swinging Heaven. It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that our Intelligence Sources have discovered that our little community is under threat from outside sources. It would appear that this threat comes in many forms:
1. The hmm hmm
2. The Swinging Heaven Municipal Borough Council
3. The Swooney
4. Association of Good Patriots und Social Reformers
5. Wayne and his Gran
6. Sherlock Holmes
7. Batman and Robin
8. Tinky- Winky, Dipsy, Lah-Lah and Po
9. The Moist and Gman Revenge Suicide Squad
10. The News of the World
Due to the sheer size of the threat I have no other option but to serve you all with the Reservist Papers you signed when joining this site. From this moment on you will revert to the rank you were given either on joining or that which has been earned during previous conflicts.
I will be in contact with Sappho, our Minister for Intelligence, to confirm our plan of action. In the meantime we have a few tasks that should be implemented as soon as possible:
Agent hmm hmm ll (Intelligence Officer Southern Region) and Agent Brumlad (Intelligence Officer Northern Region) are to go undercover in the local community to assist Special Double Agent Artificer with intelligence gathering, so that we can truly assess the threat we face.
Watch this space for further updates.
Remember: It’s a jungle out there!!!
THIS IS NOT A DRILL. IMPORTANT INFORMATION CONTAINED WITHIN.
Fellow Residents of Swinging Heaven. It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that our Intelligence Sources have discovered that our little community is under threat from outside sources. It would appear that this threat comes in many forms:
1. The hmm hmm
2. The Swinging Heaven Municipal Borough Council
3. The Swooney
4. Association of Good Patriots und Social Reformers
5. Wayne and his Gran
6. Sherlock Holmes
7. Batman and Robin
8. Tinky- Winky, Dipsy, Lah-Lah and Po
9. The Moist and Gman Revenge Suicide Squad
10. The News of the World
Due to the sheer size of the threat I have no other option but to serve you all with the Reservist Papers you signed when joining this site. From this moment on you will revert to the rank you were given either on joining or that which has been earned during previous conflicts.
I will be in contact with Sappho, our Minister for Intelligence, to confirm our plan of action. In the meantime we have a few tasks that should be implemented as soon as possible:
Agent hmm hmm ll (Intelligence Officer Southern Region) and Agent Brumlad (Intelligence Officer Northern Region) are to go undercover in the local community to assist Special Double Agent Artificer with intelligence gathering, so that we can truly assess the threat we face.
Watch this space for further updates.
Remember: It’s a jungle out there!!!
Sarge, just received your warning! :shock: :shock:
Just fresh back from duties at our sister group 'Sliding Heaven'. I have learnt they also have offshoots called Upsy Downy Heaven and Loop de Loopy heaven (based in France). I have learnt that these people are all pretty genuine, even if they haven't quite got to grips with the meaning of their leading group Swinging Heaven
They don't have a secret handshake but they do have a discreet form of headgear to distinguish themselves
Just fresh back from duties at our sister group 'Sliding Heaven'. I have learnt they also have offshoots called Upsy Downy Heaven and Loop de Loopy heaven (based in France). I have learnt that these people are all pretty genuine, even if they haven't quite got to grips with the meaning of their leading group Swinging Heaven
They don't have a secret handshake but they do have a discreet form of headgear to distinguish themselves Reporting for duty, Sarge !
Whilst many of the regulars are called up to defend our establishment, I've taken the step of training up a number of ducks (under the direct command of Agent Duckpathian) to send out to break those who work against us.
Experts in interrogation techniques (involving incessant quacking and the pecking of areas not liable to bruise easily) they should prove vital in the war for information that may help the efforts.
We may lose some to plates and sauces along the way but they are ready to earn their striped feathers.
More reports as and when......
Carpathian (Downy Infiltration Commanding Knowledge Head Qtrs)
Whilst many of the regulars are called up to defend our establishment, I've taken the step of training up a number of ducks (under the direct command of Agent Duckpathian) to send out to break those who work against us.
Experts in interrogation techniques (involving incessant quacking and the pecking of areas not liable to bruise easily) they should prove vital in the war for information that may help the efforts.
We may lose some to plates and sauces along the way but they are ready to earn their striped feathers.
More reports as and when......
Carpathian (Downy Infiltration Commanding Knowledge Head Qtrs)
Sex God
Sergeant Ernest Bilko
Head of Security
GFZ
Dear Sergeant,
RE: Your call up and mobilisation of forces
Whilst we have never met, I have been asked to contact you by my Grandson a Mr. davej and his good lady wife.
My name is Chuffers Dandruff and I am Wing Commander of Spitfire Squadron 69, based on a yet to be discovered island just south of the Isle of White. Myself, my brave boys and their machines have been waiting more than 60 years to fly another mission. My Grandson has explained to me that your enemy has amongst its ranks some Namby Pamby liberal thinking wets! and of all things the dreaded Bosch! therefore sir we are at youir command.
It is my intention to send across Binky Thompson and Ginger Mcduff, two of my Flight Sargeants to liase with you on how best our forces can be utilised. They are sound men although a litttle too fond of a pink Gin now and then and have been known to admire a stocking seam but given the gravity of the situation I am sure they will come up trumps for you.
There is one area that does concern me however and that old chap, is you. My grandson tells me that you have at your disposal heavy artillary in the shape of some tanks which you command. Given the Americans record concerning what is laughingly called, friendly fire, coupled with the facts that your eyesight may not be what it was if the thickness of your glasses are anything to go by and that your judgement of distance, may be faulty based on evidence given to my grandson from the ladies of the very group you protect where, I am told, that you have vehemently insisted that you have a six incher yet the ladies reliably inform me that it is no more than four inches at the outside when erected. I am not familiar with the size of American tank guns, for that is what I am assuming they are talking about but this 25 % error could mean that your target of fire will be way off once battle commences. I sir do not want my brave boys brought down by your artillary.
It is my proposal therefore that I Chuffers Dandruff, take full command of operations until such time as the enemy are defeated where upon I will the return the command to yourself thus allowing you to continue your security of the GFZ. M y Flight Sargeants will be with you soon and you have until that time to make your decision, but it should be said that if you turn down my proposal then my brave boys ands 69 squadron will be unable to assist you.
Your sincerely
Chuffers. A. Dandruff V.D. B.B.C. I.T.V.
Head of Security
GFZ
Dear Sergeant,
RE: Your call up and mobilisation of forces
Whilst we have never met, I have been asked to contact you by my Grandson a Mr. davej and his good lady wife.
My name is Chuffers Dandruff and I am Wing Commander of Spitfire Squadron 69, based on a yet to be discovered island just south of the Isle of White. Myself, my brave boys and their machines have been waiting more than 60 years to fly another mission. My Grandson has explained to me that your enemy has amongst its ranks some Namby Pamby liberal thinking wets! and of all things the dreaded Bosch! therefore sir we are at youir command.
It is my intention to send across Binky Thompson and Ginger Mcduff, two of my Flight Sargeants to liase with you on how best our forces can be utilised. They are sound men although a litttle too fond of a pink Gin now and then and have been known to admire a stocking seam but given the gravity of the situation I am sure they will come up trumps for you.
There is one area that does concern me however and that old chap, is you. My grandson tells me that you have at your disposal heavy artillary in the shape of some tanks which you command. Given the Americans record concerning what is laughingly called, friendly fire, coupled with the facts that your eyesight may not be what it was if the thickness of your glasses are anything to go by and that your judgement of distance, may be faulty based on evidence given to my grandson from the ladies of the very group you protect where, I am told, that you have vehemently insisted that you have a six incher yet the ladies reliably inform me that it is no more than four inches at the outside when erected. I am not familiar with the size of American tank guns, for that is what I am assuming they are talking about but this 25 % error could mean that your target of fire will be way off once battle commences. I sir do not want my brave boys brought down by your artillary.
It is my proposal therefore that I Chuffers Dandruff, take full command of operations until such time as the enemy are defeated where upon I will the return the command to yourself thus allowing you to continue your security of the GFZ. M y Flight Sargeants will be with you soon and you have until that time to make your decision, but it should be said that if you turn down my proposal then my brave boys ands 69 squadron will be unable to assist you.
Your sincerely
Chuffers. A. Dandruff V.D. B.B.C. I.T.V.
Sex God
Can I be a Medic? I fear blood may be spilt !!
Perhaps Fly could lick the wounds...
Perhaps Fly could lick the wounds...
Sex God
have just recieved my call up papers,
not very good at the fighting stuff... but am donating my two best bras to be used as parrachutes for the frontline men.
WBB
not very good at the fighting stuff... but am donating my two best bras to be used as parrachutes for the frontline men.
WBB
Sex God
Mr and Mrs davej have spent all day filling sand bags and have doned full camouflage in preperation (bit of a lie I just fancied seeing mrs davej's tits painted several shades of green but dont let on)
We are ready Sarge!
We are ready Sarge!
Time for me to iron my combats and polish my boots.
Move to the left in 3`s leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeft Turn.
By the right Quick Marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrch.
I hope there is some aircraft available for parachute training and enough covertable bras to use as parachutes,even if it is only to put a small elite squad of men into enemy territory.
Move to the left in 3`s leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeft Turn.
By the right Quick Marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrch.
I hope there is some aircraft available for parachute training and enough covertable bras to use as parachutes,even if it is only to put a small elite squad of men into enemy territory.
Sarge!!! That's not fair!
How come Venus is allowed to wear the good gear and I end up with black stuff (gotten from car exhaust) painted on my face, a set of your old overalls and loads of sticks n leaves sticking out my head!!
Now she looks like a goddess and I'm left looking like Stig of the Dump! :shock:
What's everyone else been given to wear? is it just me that gets the short straw!
How come Venus is allowed to wear the good gear and I end up with black stuff (gotten from car exhaust) painted on my face, a set of your old overalls and loads of sticks n leaves sticking out my head!!
Now she looks like a goddess and I'm left looking like Stig of the Dump! :shock:
What's everyone else been given to wear? is it just me that gets the short straw!
