Th sun is setting slowly over the gleaming spires of Oxford. In ‘The Bell’ a grey haired man with piercing blue eyes, cradles an empty pint glass in his long, delicate fingers. His blue suit is faded; his tie shows the reminders of too many pub lunches. An air of melancholy and disappointment suffuses the smooth, pale skin.
Inspector Morose is troubled.
‘Now then Sir, what’s wrong man: you look like you went to sleep in Newcastle and woke up in Carlisle!’
The older man eyes his Sargeant with undisguised disdain.
‘Oh, I don’t know Bewis, it’s this ‘Swinging Heaven’ case; something just isn’t right. Why would half the intelligence agencies in the world be sending their best men to investigate a bunch of ‘car key swappers’ and weekend gigolos. Something stinks Bewis, and it isn’t just your Geordie armpits.
Bewis can’t help lifting his arm and having a quick sniff‘
Why, Inspector man, what do you think is gan wrong?’
The word ‘gan’ causes the erudite Inspector to retch.
‘Well Bewis, I think this case has all the hallmarks of one of our oldest enemies. Just think a minute: on the surface it looks like a group of close friends, rallying to defend an alternative lifestyle. They upset the locals; it just so happens that a local Council Member embezzles a bit of money destined for local children’s charities. The locals rise up and demand the eviction of these ‘swingers’ that have harboured him. It escalates. The ’mouse’ that is Swinging Heaven roars defiance at the developed world and dares it to ‘come and get me if you think you’re hard enough!’ The world superpowers, mindful of the Iraqui humiliation, over-react. BUT , somewhere, behind the scenes, someone is pulling the strings to engineer things to suit their own agenda….someone cunning, someone who looks like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouth, someone cleverer than just about anyone else in that Forum, someone with an evil mind and the wherewithall to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!'
‘WHY, Inspector man, you cannae mean……’
‘Yes Bewis, I fear, ‘THE DUCKMAN’ is back…….'
The two detectives sit silently, contemplating the full horror of what this , if true, could mean…..
‘ Something else bothers me Bewis. The Duckman never works alone . I’d wager a ticket for ‘The Magic Flute’ that his Native American sidekick isn’t far away. Have you seen today’s Times' Crossword?.'
‘Why no man, the missus only let’s me buy ‘The Sun', dead keen on ‘Deirdre’ she is.’
‘Well Bewis, The Duckman always uses this crossword to give a cryptic message to me: he loves to bait me . Six down says:
‘Geronimos daughter aims bow at father but is wide of target (9 letters). What is it Bewis?’
‘Errr, well, wey aye, it’s ‘Sittin’ Bull Jim Bowen?’
Inspector Morose snorts with contempt…
‘No, it’s MISSCHIEF, his partner in crime in all his big operations. They are together…God help us Bewis!! And, I bet his henchman, Dave (Deathwish) J, isn’t far away. But what’s really worrying me Bewis…the Glasgow underworld is alive with rumours that Jugular Jags has escaped from Barlinnie. Not only this, Interpol contacted me today to say that Sappho, the ‘Assassin of Lesbos’, is believed to have escaped her incarceration on Elba and is heading this way, disguised as the partner of a famous poet. Bewis, this little spat in Swinging Heaven is little more than a cover for an operation to take over the world!!. Why can’t MI5 and the CIA see it?’
‘Well, what shall we do Sir?’
‘Well Bewis, after you have bought me another pint of this real ale, I shall take my seat for tonight’s performance of ‘Turandot’ at New College. We shall act as if we know nothing of this dastardly plot. Tomorrow, we shall act!!
‘And what will we do Sir, man, sorry, Sir?’
‘ I don’t know Bewis, I will need to have a night drinking single-malt and listening to Wagner…on the tape -deck of my burgundy Mark 2 Jaguar...then I’ll know’…….
I wish I could fly right up to the sky but I ca…………..
ASHLEY! I SAY ASHLEY!!
Yes uncle Fred
STOP THAT STUPID FUCKIN SINGING, THERES SOMINT ON! I SAY SOMINT ON!
Sorry uncle Fred, I was just practising for my Saturday job sitting on Keith’s knee dressed as a green duck…..I wish I could fly………..
NOW LISTEN ASHLEY! WE HAVE WORK TO DO! I SAY WORK TO DO!
NOW LAD YOU’LL HAVE READ ABOUT THOSE FINE FOLK FROM SWINGING HEAVEN….
Where was that uncle Fred, in the Dandy or the Beano?
YOU REALLY ARE A WET WANK ASHLEY! I SAY A WET WANK!! IT WERE IN PAPER LAD, THOSE FINE FOLK ARE ABOUT TO GO TO WAR AND THEY NEED A FIGHTING FUND. GO ROUND THE T.V. CENTRE LAD AND ANY WHERE ELSE YOU CAN THINK OF TO ASK FOR DONATIONS!
But uncle Fred what if people ask what its for what shall I tell them….…..la la la la……..la…..…..la la la la………. ..but I cant….
TELL EM THE TRUTH WET LAD TELL EM ITS TO FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT TO SWING!
I’m not sure that Maxine would have approved uncle Fred.
LISTEN YOU STREAK O WET PISS IF YOU WANT A FUTURE AS CHIEF SAUSAGE MAKER YOU’LL GET THE FUCK OUT THERE AND DO AS YOUR TOLD!! I SAY DO AS YER TOLD!!
Well to be honest I don’t really know what you are talking about uncle Fred I don’t know what swinging is.
ITS WHERE PEOPLE WHO MAY NOT BE EACH OTHERS PARTNERS ENGAGE IN SEX! I SAY SEX!! WITH OTHER LIKE MINDED SOULS YOU LITTLE GOBSHITE!
Ooh
FINEST BUNCH OF PEOPLE YOU COULD EVER WISH TO MEET LAD! WHY ME AND RITA WE…
What do you mean you and Rita?
FUCK! I SAY! DOUBLE FUCK!!
Are you and Rita swingers uncle Fred?
YES! I SAY YES!! AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT! I’M FEED UP WITH OTHER PEOPLES NARROW MINDED OPINIONS SO FUCK THE WORLD. NOW GET YER WET ARSE OUT THERE AND GET RINGING AND WRITING LETTERS TO ALL THEM OTHER WET ARSED CELEBS AND GET SOME FIGHTING FUNDS RAISED!
I’ll start writing to them straight away uncle Fred…………..…… I wish I could fly right up to the sky but I cant……….
Better late than never... Ambulance overalls dyed dark green, medic stuff (including the infamous purple nirolex gloves) repacked in camo bag, combat boots on (any walls need removing ;) )
Reporting as ordered sah... One combat medic / siege weapon :sparring: Lead on ...
:lol: 
Thats more like it!!!
:smackbottom: :smackbottom:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: 