I came across this in my wanderings and it made a lot of sense to me I wondered what others might think.
If you have an anger problem and have a tough time trying to handle it, this thought can give the breakthrough you are looking for--"I make myself angry." Nobody makes you angry, you make yourself angry. A thought such as this is drastically different from the normal mode of thinking. In fact, it is a revolutionary thought. Normally, when someone says or does something we don't like and we hate his or her guts for saying or doing that, we want to scream in the face of that person and say, "You make me angry." Let's question that assumption rather than taking it for granted: Is it really true that he or she makes me angry or am I making myself angry?
Let's examine what really made me angry in the above example. Someone said or did something that was unacceptable to me. Perhaps, it seemed unfair to me. It creates a new problem for me, or makes it difficult for me to get what I want. Naturally, I don't like it. It frustrates me. It upsets all my plans. This may be directly opposite of what I expected from this person. It denies me what I really wanted. But all the things I mentioned are "I", "me" and "mine." I made myself angry because those are my perceptions, my desires, and my expectations, etc. Those may not at all be the perceptions, desires, or expectations of the person who I mistakenly think makes me angry. Isn't that often the case between two people in conflict, "they don't see eye to eye with each other?" Each one is angry because the other one is not meeting his or her expectations, demands, wishes, and the like. The fact is that each one is making oneself angry, blaming the other for one's own anger, and both become furious and utterly frustrated with each other because neither of them wants to change his or her ways.
Keeping this context in mind, we can now outline the three stages of emotional maturity in regards to anger control. The first stage, at which most of us operate is, "You make me angry. I wish you would quit doing that." In this position, one does not take any responsibility for one's own anger and blames "you" rather than "your" specific behavior. The second stage of emotional maturity is, "I feel angry when you do (such and such)." In this position, the angered person takes part responsibility for one's feeling and does not blame "you" the person but a specific behavior of yours. The third stage of emotional maturity which only a very small fraction of people ever attain is, "I make myself angry when I ...."
When Johnny attains the emotional maturity to say, "I make myself angry when I do not get what I want, or when my rules are broken by others, or when my demands are not met," Johnny is absolving the other person of any responsibility for "making me angry." Johnny is taking full responsibility for his emotions and saying, "the buck stops here."
The full article is here:
Managing Anger
Ben I haven’t read the article these are just my own thoughts based on my own expierances.
I was having this very same conversation with someone only yesterday.
I was trying to understand what anger was, as in a way I don’t think I have ever really felt anger, I have felt frustrated and annoyed at times. I don’t class frustration and annoyed as being angry.
Anger to me continues it is something we can’t let go, it eats away at us and drives resentment, the inability to forgive, and hatred.
We are in control of our own minds we set the levels ourselves on how people affect us.
When I was bullied I never got angry, I want to understand why they done what they did, to try to make reason of their actions.
The person I was talking to said until you have felt anger you can not understand forgiveness.
I disagree I think we can forgive just by knowing and understanding why they did something in the first place.
But then I could be wrong.
I was having this very same conversation with someone only yesterday.
I was trying to understand what anger was, as in a way I don’t think I have ever really felt anger, I have felt frustrated and annoyed at times. I don’t class frustration and annoyed as being angry.
Anger to me continues it is something we can’t let go, it eats away at us and drives resentment, the inability to forgive, and hatred.
We are in control of our own minds we set the levels ourselves on how people affect us.
When I was bullied I never got angry, I want to understand why they done what they did, to try to make reason of their actions.
The person I was talking to said until you have felt anger you can not understand forgiveness.
I disagree I think we can forgive just by knowing and understanding why they did something in the first place.
But then I could be wrong.
Sex God
This is a fascinating subject. Sometimes we carry anger deep inside us that raises our base 'flare up' level to a point that simply annoying events cause us real distress - not just others, us. The source of long-term anger can be incredibly surprising, deep in our past, or associated with people we would swear that we love deeply.
If anyone is interested in exploring how this might be approached let me recommend a great little book called "Counselling for Toads". It is written by a counsellor to explain how counselling works, what ways there are to describe how people feel and react.
The name is apt, the author uses the example of Toad (of Toad Hall) feeling really down and not enjoying his adventures anymore. He goes to see the Heron who is a counsellor. Sounds like a kid's book, but it's not and it's really accessible. It turns out that Toads problems stem from penting up his anger at his father's hard behaviour to him as a child.
If anyone is interested in exploring how this might be approached let me recommend a great little book called "Counselling for Toads". It is written by a counsellor to explain how counselling works, what ways there are to describe how people feel and react.
The name is apt, the author uses the example of Toad (of Toad Hall) feeling really down and not enjoying his adventures anymore. He goes to see the Heron who is a counsellor. Sounds like a kid's book, but it's not and it's really accessible. It turns out that Toads problems stem from penting up his anger at his father's hard behaviour to him as a child.
Quote by Ms_Whips
i have also found that alot of my anger stopped when i realised that for it to truely mean anything i had to hate the person involved for some reason. i then realised that i only had true hate for the people who had meant the most in my life, the ones i had truely loved. they are the only people who should matter enough to have such emotions about.
i've had alot of really bad crap happen in my life that i have felt angry about. i have also dirrected that anger at some of the people in my life who i felt should have helped me because i was their responsibility. but i also realised that alot of that anger came from my own misplaced guilt at thinking that what had happen was in some way my fault. i'm not saying these things don't still effect my life for they do. just that as i have dropped the guilt i found that the anger was also easier to drop. doing that has helped me cope with things better.
anger is an awful thing to carry and express and i'm sure most of us have ways of dealing with it. mine is to ask myself whether what/who makes it rise in me is really worth it. do i really feel that strongly about them to want to deal with the emotion. in most cases the answer is no as i let very few people mean that much to me. i can feel very frustrated and annoyed but rarely true anger anymore.
if a loved one was to hurt me so much that i should feel hate for them then they won't be in my life for too much longer. that way i get to drop the anger and the hate and move on. it may take time but at least i know i can do it. it may also sound cold and harsh, but self preservation is a huge thing for me.
love is something to fight for to make it work and last. be that for friends or family. anger is something that should be dropped as soon as possible. lets face it, it's usually a person who causes anger. even a situation is person caused. so all you have to do is ask yourself if they are truely worthy of such a horrid emotion.
whips
Wow!
A fantasitic post!
Hate and anger are difficult to actually define, as they are in fact personal to each and every one of us.
Forgivness is always the way forward, especially forgivness of ones self!
Sex God
It is a common misconception that hate and anger are in themselves bad things.......it's not what you feel it's how you use it.
Sex God
Fuck off Ben
Sex God
anger needs to be seen as just another emotion we feel. just like joy, sadness, love, hate. it is when it gets stored up and not released do the problems occur.
try to find a way to relase the built up anger in a helpful healthy way.
i have found scribbling with crayons helpful, ripping newspaper, karate chopping newspaper if you can get someone to hold it for you.
using an empty pop bottle to smash hell out of something thats not going to break is a great way to release pent up anger.
and the foam baseball bats you can buy are absolutely the best!!!!
along side of all this physical action you need to shout, scream and let the angry sounds come out too.
it takes practice and patience to have a good anger session, build up to it and keep trying.
good luck in finding the best way for you
curvy xxx
try to find a way to relase the built up anger in a helpful healthy way.
i have found scribbling with crayons helpful, ripping newspaper, karate chopping newspaper if you can get someone to hold it for you.
using an empty pop bottle to smash hell out of something thats not going to break is a great way to release pent up anger.
and the foam baseball bats you can buy are absolutely the best!!!!
along side of all this physical action you need to shout, scream and let the angry sounds come out too.
it takes practice and patience to have a good anger session, build up to it and keep trying.
good luck in finding the best way for you
curvy xxx
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