Moral dilemma

18 Sep 2005

Well pleasureseeker I hope you will agree that our post we put up a little earlier was in no way preaching morals......... frankly we never discuss politics/religion/morals......
The point we were making was that from a practical point of view, there is a risk of complications when getting involved with someone in your predicament, others may disagree with this, but it has been our experience.
So maybe it could be good for you to meet a woman in the same predicament as yourself, but what would you do if that liason turned into a full blown romance? how would you handle that?
I know how you feel. I was there when I was married to my first wife, and an affair led to my getting divorced and marrying someone else. after many years together, she had an affair which i eventually found out about, which led to divorce no:2. I know how it feels to do that to someone and also have it done to me.
It's not easy, but you need to really decide how much there is left in your marriage, and then think about what you want to do. But do remember getting involved in any relationship could cause more problems for you than you can see at the moment.
Once again good luck with what you decide to do
M & H

18 Sep 2005

Quote by pleasureseeker
half an answer maybe, because there was still a chance they were cheating...or is it sometimes better not to ask too much info?
Anyway sorry for neglecting your reply.

It was a full answer. I can honestly say I have never knowingly had sex with someone I know to be cheating. We always ask. We 'phone when they don't expect it and have caught two men out, because their wives answered. We also 'phone couples and single females to check, in the same way. I can only answer for myself and hubby; you may be right, some people may not ask for fear of finding out something they don't want to hear. We do our best to check though.

18 Sep 2005

M&H, sorry if I appeared to be labelling everyone with the judgemental attitudes, thankfully post like yours add a refreshing balance. how much is left in my marriage? enough to avoid taking the leap I suppose, well it has been so far. If the other woman came along I honestly dont know what would happen or how I would respond, logic doesnt tend to have much say in these things wth perhaps the exception of telling me to stop looking and avoid the pain. The main serious message im picking up from those who have been through similar is to leave it alone as the hurt isnt worth it and I guess its back to exploring these issues with my wife...does anyone find it odd that a woman turns the tv off when a mild sex scene on terrestrial tv comes on?

18 Sep 2005

Oxygen

18 Sep 2005

Quote by pleasureseeker
and I guess its back to exploring these issues with my wife...does anyone find it odd that a woman turns the tv off when a mild sex scene on terrestrial tv comes on?

Pleasureseeker
I don't think it's strange - unfortunately it's all too common.
You may want to consider professional advice as already stated but I realise this maybe difficult (especially for your wife) so maybe you could talk to someone on your own to discuss how best to work through this

18 Sep 2005

Freckle, fair enough, you obviously do all you can on your part

18 Sep 2005

Quote by pleasureseeker
Freckle, fair enough, you obviously do all you can on your part

Thank you.

18 Sep 2005

me and mr s have just started swinging, and have not swung knowingly with anyone who is a cheat.
the consequences of which would be dyer for the third party if i found out, that they had lied.
i can understand your wife feeling uncomfortable about seeing sex on the box, (if) she has a confidence problem.
if your wife started feeling good about herself then your sex life would no doubt get better.
tell her how much you love her and pamper her a bit , it works.
but dont put her under any pressure for sex.
failing all that be frank and tell her how you really feel.
sierra x x

19 Sep 2005

Hi and welcome to SH smile

Hope it all works out well for you.
Have fun
H, red x

19 Sep 2005

Quote by pleasureseeker
Hello all, Im very new on here and have been having a look around the site. I am married with kids and ...well I like what I see! however I have a wife who most certainly wouldnt like what Im seeing. Ive been faithfully married for 19 years but getting pretty peed off by my wifes decreasing interest in sex (queue up those with the "have you tried....etc" ...yes I have and some maybe my fault but I am not taking the blame, I am prepared to try different thingswithin our marriage but my wife most certainly is not) hence the dear deadrie post. Is there abyone else who has been or is in a similar situation? if so do you, or anyone have any advice before I wank myself stupid? this post will look like I havent got a clue what I want...well havent but quite open minded. have a dig if you feel like it but this is how it is.

Dear Seeker, I have been the victim of raising this challenge before and know what it feels to be on the receiving end - sure people should express how they feel but my gripe is that it should be done in a non judgemental and less critical manner so that open discussion takes place. FB was outrageous in stating ....either go to a prostitute or go to relate... life is not black and white sometimes there are many shades of grey..... People in sexually fulfilling relationships are very fortunate but in the wider population sadly I guess most people are not. As a few posts have said there is a lot of hypocrisy about .... cheating happens but most people wont admit it.... many wont comment because they are doing it and dont want to de identified.... if you can avoid cheating by all means that would be best ..... but I am not here to judge anyone's morals and would prefer it if more people were the same. Blake

19 Sep 2005

Quote by Blake45
Hello all, Im very new on here and have been having a look around the site. I am married with kids and ...well I like what I see! however I have a wife who most certainly wouldnt like what Im seeing. Ive been faithfully married for 19 years but getting pretty peed off by my wifes decreasing interest in sex (queue up those with the "have you tried....etc" ...yes I have and some maybe my fault but I am not taking the blame, I am prepared to try different thingswithin our marriage but my wife most certainly is not) hence the dear deadrie post. Is there abyone else who has been or is in a similar situation? if so do you, or anyone have any advice before I wank myself stupid? this post will look like I havent got a clue what I want...well havent but quite open minded. have a dig if you feel like it but this is how it is.

Dear Seeker, I have been the victim of raising this challenge before and know what it feels to be on the receiving end - sure people should express how they feel but my gripe is that it should be done in a non judgemental and less critical manner so that open discussion takes place. FB was outrageous in stating ....either go to a prostitute or go to relate... life is not black and white sometimes there are many shades of grey..... People in sexually fulfilling relationships are very fortunate but in the wider population sadly I guess most people are not. As a few posts have said there is a lot of hypocrisy about .... cheating happens but most people wont admit it.... many wont comment because they are doing it and dont want to de identified.... if you can avoid cheating by all means that would be best ..... but I am not here to judge anyone's morals and would prefer it if more people were the same. Blake
I may have stated it but I don't consider it outrageous and I'm sure the others who suggested it before don't either. I expressed how I feel and I gave suggestions; exactly what was requested. Don't use this thread to have another dig at me - I didn't ask for it, PS did. biggrin

19 Sep 2005

Quote by Blake45
Hello all, Im very new on here and have been having a look around the site. I am married with kids and ...well I like what I see! however I have a wife who most certainly wouldnt like what Im seeing. Ive been faithfully married for 19 years but getting pretty peed off by my wifes decreasing interest in sex (queue up those with the "have you tried....etc" ...yes I have and some maybe my fault but I am not taking the blame, I am prepared to try different thingswithin our marriage but my wife most certainly is not) hence the dear deadrie post. Is there abyone else who has been or is in a similar situation? if so do you, or anyone have any advice before I wank myself stupid? this post will look like I havent got a clue what I want...well havent but quite open minded. have a dig if you feel like it but this is how it is.

Dear Seeker, I have been the victim of raising this challenge before and know what it feels to be on the receiving end - sure people should express how they feel but my gripe is that it should be done in a non judgemental and less critical manner so that open discussion takes place. FB was outrageous in stating ....either go to a prostitute or go to relate... life is not black and white sometimes there are many shades of grey..... People in sexually fulfilling relationships are very fortunate but in the wider population sadly I guess most people are not. As a few posts have said there is a lot of hypocrisy about .... cheating happens but most people wont admit it.... many wont comment because they are doing it and dont want to de identified.... if you can avoid cheating by all means that would be best ..... but I am not here to judge anyone's morals and would prefer it if more people were the same. Blake
Blake is right, there is much hypocrisy spouted here. Many , many "swingers" are seeing married people but refuse to stand up and be counted
Ive sat back and watched this thread over the weekend and it seems to be the same old faces, putting themselves forward as the moral majority when in fact for this site to prosper, they have to be in the minority. Look through the mes seeking females and the females seeking males and it is very obvious that the majority of users are married and screwing around
Personaly, and i know i will be hated bu some for this, I am seeing at least one married man behind his wifes back. He tell s me its HELPED their marrieage, taken the pressure off his wife who is no longer interested in sex and allowed them to go back to enjoying each others company. For my part I am sure his wife knows, he certainly goes home far more relaxed than before we met. Perhaps she chooses not to know though.
Im not saying that fucking someone else is the answer to every couples problem but it can help and those who have never been in a relationship were one partner has a much higher sex drive than the other really dont have the experience to comment, so pehpas they shouldnt?

19 Sep 2005

Quote by treasurechest
Blake is right, there is much hypocrisy spouted here. Many , many "swingers" are seeing married people but refuse to stand up and be counted

Well cover me in Marmite and call me Irene ! !
I'll stand up for you.
Count me.
One.
If you want to fuck me - PM me, email me, call, text - or even write it on the side of a fucking cow somewhere; then come fuck me.
I don't care if you're married, engaged, divorced, separated, widowed, "trendy" co-habiting.
I don't care if he knows.
I don't care if you bring him along.
(As long as he stays to his own side of the bed rolleyes

)
I don't care if you go home afterwards and tell him all about about so he (and you) can "get off on it"
Wanna ring him on speaker phone while we're doing it - go ahead.
Just as long as I have a good time - and all the betterer if YOU have a good time too.
But DON'T come to my favourite place asking for opinions or advise and then start whinging, whining and fucking moaning when you don't hear/read what you want.
If you think you won't like the answer, or can't take the answer - DON'T ASK THE FUCKING QUESTION ! ! ! !
The place is full of opinions, beliefs and differing levels of morality.
:shock: Fuck me - just like real life - go figure :shock:

19 Sep 2005

Everyone has differing views on everything.... that is part of life.
Only pleasureseeker knows his predicament and only he can change the situation he is in.
He came here asking for advice, he got it. Whether he likes it or not is a different matter.
You should ask for advice or opinions only if you really want to know the truth or you do actually want help. Accept the advice that is offered and do what you will with it.
Most of the people who have commented on this thread have given solid, fair advice which they believe might help - the advice was asked for therefore pleasureseeker should accept that people have different views and he doesn't have to actually take anyone's advice!
My advice would be to talk to your wife. Fair enough she may not want to talk about sexual things and might have a problem opening up but you know her better than most people I presume, as you have been married to her for 19 years!
There isn't a quick fix for the situation you're in, asking for advice is a good thing but don't flame those who might be trying to help you.
I've read through each thread (I have lots of time on my hands smile

) and the thing that strikes me is that pleasureseeker has had answers to his questions & people have had a debate about it but he seems to be goading people into other topics the weren't originally in the thread. I know debate evolves but surely if he is trying to get help or advice on the original subject he should be concentrating on that and not leading people into argument?

19 Sep 2005

Pleasure-seeker.
About 18 months ago i left my partner of 12 years. Reason I gave to her: I don't like our relationship without sex.
It hurt her, and it hurt me. I still miss being with her as she was everything to me.
I didn't leave her to be on my own. I had "become involved" with someone else. I didn't physically meet the other person until after i had split up with my Ex. But it was enough of a catalyst for me to end a 12 years relationship. I can be dense, but i know that if you are looking for sex elsewhere, you are giving up on a part of your relationship.
Now before you reply P-S. Just know this one little thing. I talked for 11 of those 12 years about the lack of sex in our relationship. My partner and i talked, long into the night, crying and feeling hurt and confused, many many many times. She was never comfortable talking about sex, or anything sexual on TV... sound familiar??
Occasionally it improved. It didn't last long and towards the end, I gave up. I deliberately didn't try anything sexual. I never asked nor initiated. This lasted 3 months. Then I left. And she had no idea, until I told her, of why I was unhappy.
If I can offer one piece of advice, hoping you know it just advice and not me being moralistic as you tend call others who spent time writing replies, that don't agree with what you WANT to hear, is this: Tell your wife how you feel, and that you would like more sex and intimacy. That if it doesn't improve you MAY consider leaving her, or you MAY be tempted elsewhere.
Then go from there.
So, from someone who was in your position, take the advice, or leave it. BUT - if you don't tell her, and you form a relationship with someone else... and i use these words advisably considering the rest of the thread, you will be cheating on her. And you will hate yourself for it when you get caught out.
OR.... maybe she's a lesbian and has gone off men. dunno

19 Sep 2005

Quote by postie
Pleasure-seeker.
About 18 months ago i left my partner of 12 years. Reason I gave to her: I don't like our relationship without sex.
It hurt her, and it hurt me. I still miss being with her as she was everything to me.
I didn't leave her to be on my own. I had "become involved" with someone else. I didn't physically meet the other person until after i had split up with my Ex. But it was enough of a catalyst for me to end a 12 years relationship. I can be dense, but i know that if you are looking for sex elsewhere, you are giving up on a part of your relationship.
Now before you reply P-S. Just know this one little thing. I talked for 11 of those 12 years about the lack of sex in our relationship. My partner and i talked, long into the night, crying and feeling hurt and confused, many many many times. She was never comfortable talking about sex, or anything sexual on TV... sound familiar??
Occasionally it improved. It didn't last long and towards the end, I gave up. I deliberately didn't try anything sexual. I never asked nor initiated. This lasted 3 months. Then I left. And she had no idea, until I told her, of why I was unhappy.
If I can offer one piece of advice, hoping you know it just advice and not me being moralistic as you tend call others who spent time writing replies, that don't agree with what you WANT to hear, is this: Tell your wife how you feel, and that you would like more sex and intimacy. That if it doesn't improve you MAY consider leaving her, or you MAY be tempted elsewhere.
Then go from there.
So, from someone who was in your position, take the advice, or leave it. BUT - if you don't tell her, and you form a relationship with someone else... and i use these words advisably considering the rest of the thread, you will be cheating on her. And you will hate yourself for it when you get caught out.
OR.... maybe she's a lesbian and has gone off men.

I was just reading this, going awwww, postie bearing all and being serious, and then i get to the red bit, had a chuckle, and though "yep, even postie couldn't get the whole way through a post without his logical spin on life !!" lol

19 Sep 2005

I was only going to write that... but then i hijacked my own piss take... shocking behaviour!
lol

19 Sep 2005

Quote by postie
I was only going to write that... but then i hijacked my own piss take... shocking behaviour!

It was a good reply though, from the heart - nice one!
I gave him advise and he called me a buffoon , me, a buffoon!

19 Sep 2005

Quote by Happy Cats
I was only going to write that... but then i hijacked my own piss take... shocking behaviour!

It was a good reply though, from the heart - nice one!
I gave him advise and he called me a buffoon , me, a buffoon! more a baboon rather than a buffoon !!
:giggle:

19 Sep 2005

Quote by pleasureseeker
Hello all, Im very new on here and have been having a look around the site. I am married with kids and ...well I like what I see! however I have a wife who most certainly wouldnt like what Im seeing. Ive been faithfully married for 19 years but getting pretty peed off by my wifes decreasing interest in sex (queue up those with the "have you tried....etc" ...yes I have and some maybe my fault but I am not taking the blame, I am prepared to try different thingswithin our marriage but my wife most certainly is not) hence the dear deadrie post. Is there abyone else who has been or is in a similar situation? if so do you, or anyone have any advice before I wank myself stupid? this post will look like I havent got a clue what I want...well havent but quite open minded. have a dig if you feel like it but this is how it is.

I am not married, but am in a similar situation to you as my ladyfriend is not interested in sex at all, so I live the life of a celibate as I don't fancy taking stupid chances with prostitutes and dirty women, I will not finish with her as we need each other, having no family or single friends, we are stuck in a routine that we cannot or will not extricate ourselves from...everyone say - arrr........

19 Sep 2005

Quote by welshBIcouple
I was only going to write that... but then i hijacked my own piss take... shocking behaviour!

It was a good reply though, from the heart - nice one!
I gave him advise and he called me a buffoon , me, a buffoon! more a baboon rather than a buffoon !!
:giggle:
rotflmao

:smackbottom:

19 Sep 2005

Quote by Happy Cats
I was only going to write that... but then i hijacked my own piss take... shocking behaviour!

It was a good reply though, from the heart - nice one!
I gave him advise and he called me a buffoon , me, a buffoon! more a baboon rather than a buffoon !!
:giggle:
rotflmao

:smackbottom:It wasn't me, it was my kitten who just happened to walk over my keyboard and press the right keys in order redface

I have chastised the cat and needless to say, its not so happy anymore - I've also told him any more of that behaviour and I will be sending him to postie :shock:

19 Sep 2005

Quote by onlyme1981
Everyone has differing views on everything.... that is part of life.
Only pleasureseeker knows his predicament and only he can change the situation he is in.
He came here asking for advice, he got it. Whether he likes it or not is a different matter.
You should ask for advice or opinions only if you really want to know the truth or you do actually want help. Accept the advice that is offered and do what you will with it.
Most of the people who have commented on this thread have given solid, fair advice which they believe might help - the advice was asked for therefore pleasureseeker should accept that people have different views and he doesn't have to actually take anyone's advice!
My advice would be to talk to your wife. Fair enough she may not want to talk about sexual things and might have a problem opening up but you know her better than most people I presume, as you have been married to her for 19 years!
There isn't a quick fix for the situation you're in, asking for advice is a good thing but don't flame those who might be trying to help you.
I've read through each thread (I have lots of time on my hands ) and the thing that strikes me is that pleasureseeker has had answers to his questions & people have had a debate about it but he seems to be goading people into other topics the weren't originally in the thread. I know debate evolves but surely if he is trying to get help or advice on the original subject he should be concentrating on that and not leading people into argument?

Only, I am a grown man, I can take or reject advice, one of the thngs I resent is the packaging some of this advice has come in. Yes I expected some to have a go hence the invite. I have had some good advice, particualrly those who have been through similar experiences to mine, funnily enough, they seem to have a better grasp of the issue. Perhaps if people ceased to be so judgemental and concentrate on offering advice this debate may have gone more smoothly. to those who have offered advice both on here and via pm's, thank you.
I re iterate I am not a 'player' whatever TF one is supposed to be. Simply came here for advice from a group of people I thought were enlightened and had probably come through dificult experiences.

19 Sep 2005

Quote by pleasureseeker
I re iterate I am not a 'player' whatever TF one is supposed to be. Simply came here for advice from a group of people I thought were enlightened and had probably come through dificult experiences.

OK firstly apologies to you (and other SH users and the Mods) for my comments yesterday. Got slightly annoyed after trying to help and being non-judgmental and then having it thrown in my face just because you didn't agree with my point of view.
In a more diplomatic way I would just like to point out that your posts have been little contradictory in parts and that If you're considering having an affair I think you'd probably give yourself away far too easily.

19 Sep 2005

Quote by Happy Cats
I was only going to write that... but then i hijacked my own piss take... shocking behaviour!

It was a good reply though, from the heart - nice one!
I gave him advise and he called me a buffoon , me, a buffoon!
Baaaaaaaaaaa

19 Sep 2005

Fluckin' 'ell! I piss off for the weekend and common sense breaks out all over the place.
Am I s'posed to take some message from this?? wink

Happy days are here again!.........