HANDY HINTS for all my special friends on SH
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
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Mrs Bones '' Handy Hints ''Thread
IF you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
CLUMSY? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
AVOID arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
A MOUSETRAP, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
IF you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
HAVE a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
SOMETIMES, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
REMEMBER Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
AND finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
CLUMSY? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
AVOID arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
A MOUSETRAP, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
IF you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
HAVE a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
SOMETIMES, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
REMEMBER Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
AND finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Sex God
mr bone, the poor poor man
