Quote by bluexxx
Here's me trying to summerise all this lot and making little sense!
Dunno blue, it made perfect sense to me.
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My thoughts on social gatherings.......
Quote by bluexxx
I'm sure we've agreed that ANY form of non consensual behaviour should result in ejection from the munch and being banned from the site?
Taking that as an agreed, we need to make sure that people report any forms of abuse that they see or experience, and that they don't keep it to themselves and never tell anyone. Looking out for each other would be good here!
Taking all that as agreed, then we can move on to what is ACCEPTABLE CONSENTING behaviour.
I'm assusing that kissing is OK, so is hugging, so is sexy dancing and light CONSENSUAL stroking that is not overtly sexual - all of which you might see in an average pub.
What is not acceptable are things like nudity - tits, dick out etc. Sexual acts, hand jobs, BJs.... etc... sex in bogs - well, yeah it happens in pubs, but it shouldn't really... so that's a no too.
So... what do we do if someone does these things at a munch? Dunno to be honest... ask them to leave maybe?
Here's me trying to summerise all this lot and making little sense!
I was guilty of staying put and not reporting it .. why .. well Clare & Steve had put so much effort into the munch that I felt it could ruin their experience and they were stressed enough.
Didn't say anything to Pete (which says a lot as he knows everything about me/that I do)as I thought he might overreact
Didn't say anything to anyone else as I do have a big problem with confidence and it felt hyposritical .. here I was one minute hugging and laughing with a known couple and the next I was freaked because someone had been over familiar.
I genuinely didn't want to ruin anyone elses night and my discomfort was just made worse by the sex in the toilets etc.
C x
Sex God
Quote by Calista
I genuinely didn't want to ruin anyone elses night and my discomfort was just made worse by the sex in the toilets etc.
C x
They just don't make them cubicles big enough do they.
Quote by davej
I genuinely didn't want to ruin anyone elses night and my discomfort was just made worse by the sex in the toilets etc.
C x
They just don't make them cubicles big enough do they.
the couple in the one next to me obviously didn't have that problem Dave :shock:
ok ok I should've worded my post better! lol
Cx
Sex God
Calista, he's been waiting all night for someone to make a post he could take the piss out of and be his usual nutty self 
I really must go to bed!!!!! Heres a couple of things to think about
1/ In any social gathering there must be clear rules on what is or is not acceptable . and those rules must be enforced. Clearly Munches while being social do have by nature of the interest group a bias, even though this may not be your reasons for going at that time. but it is human nature that people will assume....
2/I can see no problem with some of the activities outlined in your posts but stress that provided this behaviour is "managed" in an organised and proper fashion then ok.
3/Problems occur when a/ people get drunk (bad bar management) b/ wrong "sort" are allowed access (bad door management) c/ conflicts within the event (bad stewardship)
The only thing I can add is go to a night club or strip show or public event and look at the organisation going on . Unfortunatly a good organisation policy is hard to spot an you could well be inclined to think ya can do what you want only to find yourself having a quiet "word " with a very large member of "The Management" and leaving even if you don't want to . ...... The key is all about control and effect. and dealing with situations somtimes even before the individuals themselves are even aware.
1/ In any social gathering there must be clear rules on what is or is not acceptable . and those rules must be enforced. Clearly Munches while being social do have by nature of the interest group a bias, even though this may not be your reasons for going at that time. but it is human nature that people will assume....
2/I can see no problem with some of the activities outlined in your posts but stress that provided this behaviour is "managed" in an organised and proper fashion then ok.
3/Problems occur when a/ people get drunk (bad bar management) b/ wrong "sort" are allowed access (bad door management) c/ conflicts within the event (bad stewardship)
The only thing I can add is go to a night club or strip show or public event and look at the organisation going on . Unfortunatly a good organisation policy is hard to spot an you could well be inclined to think ya can do what you want only to find yourself having a quiet "word " with a very large member of "The Management" and leaving even if you don't want to . ...... The key is all about control and effect. and dealing with situations somtimes even before the individuals themselves are even aware.
Quote by Calista
Didn't say anything to Pete (which says a lot as he knows everything about me/that I do)as I thought he might overreact
Exactly the reason why I never said anything when it happened to me a couple of weeks ago. Not Pete obviously but I knew exactly what Ian would have done :eeek:
Quote by Calista
Didn't say anything to anyone else as I do have a big problem with confidence and it felt hypocritical .. here I was one minute hugging and laughing with a known couple and the next I was freaked because someone had been over familiar.
I know how that feels C believe me I do. It took me almost 48 hours of stressing about it before I was able to report how I felt to the other mods. In the end I decided I had no choice because I was so bloody cross with someone presuming they could treat me without any care or thought.
I am still cross and I am still upset that I have allowed a person to take some of my confidence away
Dawn
Sex God
Quote by Mac69
I used to chair a social club for 18-30 year olds (when the Earth was young...) and we found it useful to appoint two hosts - male and female - who would act as the introduction person for a new member looking (as so often) somewhat lost.
This allowed a degree of control and ensured that the first-timer enjoyed a low-risk and happy (mostly) visit. Does anything like that happen at munches?
I think it does informally, but people are not "officially" allocated to look after newbies. It's a nice idea but probably a logistical nightmare at large munches that have well over 150 people in attendance.
I can't do multiple quotes
, so Calista.... I can understand why you did not want to bother Clare and Steve (in that situation I wouldn't have wanted to upset them either). I can also understand why you might not want to tell Pete. I'm just thinking aloud here really and I'm sure marmalaid (maybe 
) mentioned this some time ago the last time we discussed behaviour at munches... but would it be possible to have certain people on the night who are not the organisers, who would deal with any problems that might arise of this nature? Dunno if it would work or if people would volunteer to be a "helper", but like I said, just thinking aloud... If that wouldn't work, certainly reporting any problems to a mod by PM straight after the event would mean that we would at least be aware of possible trouble makers on the site- In edit -
I think that last sentense of mine was crap in your case cos I think you said you didn't know who they were... I'm tired, sorry!
Sex God
I could turn up dressed in black shorts and carry a yellow and red card..............or am I getting into the realms of fantasy here
Quote by Dawn_Mids
I am still cross and I am still upset that I have allowed a person to take some of my confidence away
Dawn
Despite all my posts on here I am actually very unconfident in real life .. there are situations I do feel comfortable with and things like private parties @ Blue's etc I have no bother with because it's a small group and i know that i could tell Blue and she or Satin would deal with it. I had a confidence issue prior to the last party and pm'd her and Mal and both were fantastis and really made me at ease
But a munch is a whole different kettle of fish ... I did have a good time despite the problem and afterwards back at the hotel made up for it completely all the social stuff in the bar :)
C x
I'm sorry people, but I am having a very hard time trying to work out why someone would be so upset but not tell their husband *at the time*???
I have received unwanted attention a couple of times but after telling the person concerned in no uncertain terms to get lost, I then told Jon.
What's the problem with your husband knowing? Besides which if you are that upset, surely he would have noticed?
Tracy-Jayne
I have received unwanted attention a couple of times but after telling the person concerned in no uncertain terms to get lost, I then told Jon.
What's the problem with your husband knowing? Besides which if you are that upset, surely he would have noticed?
Tracy-Jayne
Quote by bluexxx
I used to chair a social club for 18-30 year olds (when the Earth was young...) and we found it useful to appoint two hosts - male and female - who would act as the introduction person for a new member looking (as so often) somewhat lost.
This allowed a degree of control and ensured that the first-timer enjoyed a low-risk and happy (mostly) visit. Does anything like that happen at munches?
I think it does informally, but people are not "officially" allocated to look after newbies. It's a nice idea but probably a logistical nightmare at large munches that have well over 150 people in attendance.
I can't do multiple quotes
, so Calista.... I can understand why you did not want to bother Clare and Steve (in that situation I wouldn't have wanted to upset them either). I can also understand why you might not want to tell Pete. I'm just thinking aloud here really and I'm sure marmalaid (maybe ) mentioned this some time ago the last time we discussed behaviour at munches... but would it be possible to have certain people on the night who are not the organisers, who would deal with any problems that might arise of this nature? Dunno if it would work or if people would volunteer to be a "helper", but like I said, just thinking aloud... If that wouldn't work, certainly reporting any problems to a mod by PM straight after the event would mean that we would at least be aware of possible trouble makers on the site- In edit -
I think that last sentense of mine was crap in your case cos I think you said you didn't know who they were... I'm tired, sorry!
I understand what you mean ... and looking back I had no idea if this person had done similar to someone else and they knew who it was
I never thought to pm a mod anyway lol.I guess it's just the concern of troubling someone who is out themselves to have fun.
Is it a case that instead of individuals arranging munches solely we have a "committee" of volunteers to support them? Security double checks, troubleshooting that sort of thing? It needn't all fall to the mods to deal with then (although I can see instances where they need to get involved) unless they volunteered themselves. Anyone being reported for bad/unacceptable behaviour / dress / conduct would then be known? The organiser carry on as normal but have the backup of these people?
I'm tired too and this isn't saying what I mean at all .. perhaps someone can see a logical chain of thought though?
C x
Sex God
Quote by RedHot
I'm sorry people, but I am having a very hard time trying to work out why someone would be so upset but not tell their husband *at the time*???
I have received unwanted attention a couple of times but after telling the person concerned in no uncertain terms to get lost, I then told Jon.
What's the problem with your husband knowing? Besides which if you are that upset, surely he would have noticed?
Tracy-Jayne
I'm assuming that not wanting to cause a scene or for a confrontation to be avoided was a big part of it.
I'm thinking it's the same type of thing as when I was at school and my best mate didn't tell me that someone was bullying her cos she knew that I would have barged in and kicked his head in (correct
) Quote by bluexxx
I'm sorry people, but I am having a very hard time trying to work out why someone would be so upset but not tell their husband *at the time*???
I have received unwanted attention a couple of times but after telling the person concerned in no uncertain terms to get lost, I then told Jon.
What's the problem with your husband knowing? Besides which if you are that upset, surely he would have noticed?
Tracy-Jayne
I'm assuming that not wanting to cause a scene or for a confrontation to be avoided was a big part of it.
Nope! Sorry still don't get it
If I was in a situation where I felt it was out of my own control, the first thing I would do is tell my husband. Not whinge about it days later when I'd been stewing on it :dry:
After all, in a situation where you were being compromised in a way you did not like, surely to confront it head on would be the best thing? Get it sorted right there and then? :?
T-J
Sex God
Blue it was after the issues at the Leicester munch that the idea of a 'safe' person was suggested. Marmalaid did indeed volunteer for the job. but I'm pretty sure that there would be others willing to do the same.
but I'm pretty sure that there would be others willing to do the same. Quote by RedHot
I'm sorry people, but I am having a very hard time trying to work out why someone would be so upset but not tell their husband *at the time*???
I have received unwanted attention a couple of times but after telling the person concerned in no uncertain terms to get lost, I then told Jon.
What's the problem with your husband knowing? Besides which if you are that upset, surely he would have noticed?
Tracy-Jayne
TJ, don't get me wrong if I'd felt seriously abused, hand up my skirt or held and assaulted I'd have been straight to him, but I had no idea who the perpetrator was, and whilst Morbius wasn't drunk I was aware that he'd had the potential to react ie taking me out of the venue and wanting me to feel better, which at the time wasn't what I wanted and afterwards he was furious that I hadn;t .. but what could he have done anyway? With the stress we had at the time (his daughter was in the hospital up the road and we so needed the break) I didn't want to ruin his night out.
The words aren't reading right .. it makes it sound like Mrbius is an unknown quantity when he's had a few but he's not at all
C x
Sex God
Quote by RedHot
After all, in a situation where you were being compromised in a way you did not like, surely to confront it head on would be the best thing? Get it sorted right there and then?
Yes, you're probably right. But not everyone would think like that. If they lack confidence in themselves they might tell themselves that they are being silly (when they are not), deny what has happened, or try to ignore it. To someone very confident at dealing with people that might seem a daft thing to do, but it facts are that a lot of people handle stressful situations that way.
That, conbined with not wanting to cause a scene or ruin the night for others, means that not telling anyone might seem like the easiest or indeed the most logical option.
Now, I really should stop reading so many psychology text books
Sex God
Quote by freckledbird
Blue it was after the issues at the Leicester munch that the idea of a 'safe' person was suggested. Marmalaid did indeed volunteer for the job.
Maybe as Calista said above, having a few people helping out would work better, so that the problems wouldn't be taken on by one person... after all, a munch is meant to be fun for everyone!
Quote by Calista
Morbius wasn't drunk I was aware that he'd had the potential to react ie taking me out of the venue and wanting me to feel better, which at the time wasn't what I wanted and afterwards he was furious that I hadn;t .. but what could he have done anyway? With the stress we had at the time (his daughter was in the hospital up the road and we so needed the break) I didn't want to ruin his night out.
C x
Not having a dig at you Calista, but surely when Morbius did find out about it, it took the shine off the event anyway and made him look at things differently?
It must have upset him that you didn't say something at the time? He's your husband so how could he not be upset if you were?
The very least he could have done would be to have comforted you and maybe stayed closer to your side for the rest of the night? That wouldn't have spolied his fun, but at least you would not have been in a similar position again
I'm not sure how I can equate a lack of confidence with not telling my husband about something I took as serious. Surely people don't lack so much confidence that they can't talk to their husband/partner :undecided:
T-J
Quote by bluexxx
After all, in a situation where you were being compromised in a way you did not like, surely to confront it head on would be the best thing? Get it sorted right there and then?
Yes, you're probably right. But not everyone would think like that. If they lack confidence in themselves they might tell themselves that they are being silly (when they are not), deny what has happened, or try to ignore it. To someone very confident at dealing with people that might seem a daft thing to do, but it facts are that a lot of people handle stressful situations that way.
That, conbined with not wanting to cause a scene or ruin the night for others, means that not telling anyone might seem like the easiest or indeed the most logical option.
Now, I really should stop reading so many psychology text books
Quote by Angel Chat
The point I'm trying to make is that we don't necessarily react in the way we might think we would react, and if you suddenly and unexpectedly find yourself in this situation, it can come as quite a shock
Just thought it was worth pointing this out again
Sex God
Quote by bluexxx
After all, in a situation where you were being compromised in a way you did not like, surely to confront it head on would be the best thing? Get it sorted right there and then?
Yes, you're probably right. But not everyone would think like that. If they lack confidence in themselves they might tell themselves that they are being silly (when they are not), deny what has happened, or try to ignore it. To someone very confident at dealing with people that might seem a daft thing to do, but it facts are that a lot of people handle stressful situations that way.
That, conbined with not wanting to cause a scene or ruin the night for others, means that not telling anyone might seem like the easiest or indeed the most logical option.
Now, I really should stop reading so many psychology text books
oh i dunno . . . seems a fairly accurate textbook to me blue. sure we've all let things go at the time, for whatever reason, then been really REALLY pissed off afterwards cos we didn't do this or do that?
T-J, have you never been in a situation and wished you'd handled it differently afterwards, for whatever reason? i wish i was that confident to get it right first time?
neil x x x ;)
Quote by Angel Chat
The point I'm trying to make is that we don't necessarily react in the way we might think we would react, and if you suddenly and unexpectedly find yourself in this situation, it can come as quite a shock
Just thought it was worth pointing this out again
Well we can never tell how we will react until in that situation, but as I have said, I have been in it twice and both times I told my husband at the time.
It doesn't take forward planning or lessons in self confidence to do that
T-J
Quote by RedHot
The point I'm trying to make is that we don't necessarily react in the way we might think we would react, and if you suddenly and unexpectedly find yourself in this situation, it can come as quite a shock
Just thought it was worth pointing this out again
Well we can never tell how we will react until in that situation, but as I have said, I have been in it twice and both times I told my husband at the time.
It doesn't take forward planning or lessons in self confidence to do that
T-J
Maybe so TJ, but I don't think you should expect that every other person will react in the same way that you do/did. That's all I was trying to say. I'd like to think that I'd tell my husband/partner/significant other, but as I said in my original post, once I found myself in that situation I reacted in a completely different way than I would have thought I would.
Sex God
Quote by Angel Chat
It doesn't take forward planning or lessons in self confidence to do that
T-J
Maybe so TJ, but I don't think you should expect that every other person will react in the same way that you do/did. That's all I was trying to say. I'd like to think that I'd tell my husband/partner/significant other, but as I said in my original post, once I found myself in that situation I reacted in a completely different way than I would have thought I would.
Angel's right. Many people will be so unsettled because they don't expect it in a social context, they won't necessarily know how to react in the heat of the moment. The onus is completely on the offender, not the offended, and to those people who are beating themselves up for "allowing it", it's absolutely one hundred percent not your fault in any way whatsoever.
Sex God
Quote by Ice Pie
The onus is completely on the offender, not the offended
Spot on! In every sexual assault case, regardless of the situation and however minor it seemed at the time
But I think there is a lesson to be learned here. We need to move on to make sure that problems like this become more easily dealt with - or at least people know that they can/should report them.
Sex God
Quote by bluexxx
The onus is completely on the offender, not the offended
Spot on! In every sexual assault case, regardless of the situation and however minor it seemed at the time
But I think there is a lesson to be learned here. We need to move on to make sure that problems like this become more easily dealt with - or at least people know that they can/should report them.
Don't agree - It's got to be that they don't even happen. Sorry bit pissed but otherwise I could expand on the argument.
Sex God
Ive given it a lot of thought . What could be done in future to avoid such unpleasantness is to make sure firstly that everyone who attends is married. Then having thoroughly checked their marriage certificates they should have to take an oath ( in front of a Vicar perhaps) that they wont touch anyone else of the opposite sex in a sensual way ( or even have thoughts about it for that matter ) . Then if they agreed to not have any contact sexually with anyone that they didnt have a certificate for we would avoid any misunderstandings . That way the partys could be trouble free and all the swingers would not risk embarassment or awkwardness . Im sure ive read about he system somewhere before but cant remember where , but im sure it would work , and then all the other complicated rules , regulations and exclusions that everyone else has suggested for the partys would be unneccesary and everyone could get on with their hedonistic totally abandoned fun , within the rigid framework laid down .
Peace
Peace
