newbie

3 Jun 2005

Hi al l

Thought I had better say hi to you all after reading the forum.
ME:
Well heres a little about me , I from london 40 years with a GSOH ,6ft(not gona say the size of any thing else :P ), blue eyes , tattoos. I hold the World Record for Repeatedly Stepping On A Rake. A record I accidentally acquired while attempting to escape from the secure wing of The London Care Home for The Deeply, Deeply Disturbed. Unfortunately, the best laid plans of mice and abject imbeciles often go astray. Thus, having distracted my care workers attention through the fiendishly clever expedient of pointing at a pigeon and saying "Oh, look! A pigeon!", I only succeeded in making nine feet of my escape across the grounds and over the wall to freedom, before stepping on a rake and having the handle of it bolt up and smack me in ther face. Dazed, I stepped back, before attempting to proceed with my escape, whereupon I stepped on the very same rake again and received another smack in the face from the handle. This pattern continued for forty-three minutes and twenty-seven seconds until my care worker regained his composure from laughing at such a hapless dolt and took me back to the secure ward. An unenviable world record, no doubt - but a world record nonetheless.
I also enjoy inventing things most of all. As a boy of 9, I observed that chickens are shortsighted and have a tendency to peck each other's eyes out. This resulted, not surprisingly, in many blind chickens. Thus, my first invention was Chicken Spectacles. This device rested on the chicken's beak and was secured to the back of the chicken's head by means of a staple gun; which, unfortunately, resulted in the deaths of many of my neighbor's chickens as I perfected my invention. After being released from juvenile prison - having served an unjust two year sentence for multiple counts of chicken homicide - I returned to my Chicken Spectacles invention and hit gold when I decided to use a rubber band to secure the Chicken Spectacles to the chicken. However, all did not end well. At age 13, I experienced my first erection and was most distressed to learn that non-blind chickens are much harder to catch.
Well thats about it for now look forward to taking part in the forum ;)
Oni

3 Jun 2005

Welcome,
I think you are going to fit in nicely lol

3 Jun 2005

I like you.

3 Jun 2005

That GSOH will definately do overtime here lol

Welcome friend, make yourself at home!

3 Jun 2005

wecome and lurve your signature
louxxxxxxxxxx

3 Jun 2005

Has someone kidnapped Davej and given him a new identity? lol

3 Jun 2005

Hi and welcome.
thanx for makeing me laugh lol

3 Jun 2005

nice entrance
:thumbup:
:welcome:

3 Jun 2005

:rotflmao:
see your gonna be useless on here all that talk of chickens and not one shite innuendo about cocks, you've no chance wink

but a big hello anyways Oni.

3 Jun 2005

You're :silly: you'll fit in just fine around here then. :evil2:
Welcome, have fun and enjoy.

3 Jun 2005

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
as an intro that has to be one of the best i've ever read
:welcome:

3 Jun 2005

Quote by davej
:rotflmao:
see your gonna be useless on here all that talk of chickens and not one shite innuendo about cocks, you've no chance
but a big hello anyways Oni.

Dam your right forgot, that whould have been kinky not as kinky as a nun wearing nothing but shiny black plastic boots, swinging from a rotating ceiling fan in a convent gymnasium by means of jumper cables attached to her nipples, with a protruding string of anal beads and a sign on the end which reads: "Please use bead string to spin me manually if power fails."

3 Jun 2005

Bloody fantastic!! Please Mods, can we keep him? I have a spare drawer that he can have.
Welcome Oni and hope to hear from you again and again.

3 Jun 2005

Quote by Oni
:rotflmao:
see your gonna be useless on here all that talk of chickens and not one shite innuendo about cocks, you've no chance
but a big hello anyways Oni.

Dam your right forgot, that whould have been kinky not as kinky as a nun wearing nothing but shiny black plastic boots, swinging from a rotating ceiling fan in a convent gymnasium by means of jumper cables attached to her nipples, with a protruding string of anal beads and a sign on the end which reads: "Please use bead string to spin me manually if power fails."
You Git ,you've been round my house whilst I've been at work.
P.S. pull the fuses in the garage to make the power fail, she likes it better that way, oh and take yer shoes off I've just had a new carpet fitted.

3 Jun 2005

Hi Oni ...
I rotflmao

reading your intro I know a nurse in a mental Institution who told me about your record attempt a few weeks back ... rolleyes

unfortunately that person isn't here at the moment or I'd introduce you ;)
You should do well with the chickens in this place ... it's the goldfish lovers you need to watch out for and those with split personalities (ooh yes beware that revolving door on your way in .... the blades can easily whip you into three ;) )
It's refreshing to have someone with a fresh sense of humour, a lot of people go round with their heads up their arses although it appears davej has received some therapy as his latest avatar is a great improvement bolt

ooh and beware the GFZ since easy fitted a new spa bath I'm more inclined to believe the bubbles are provided by Mr FC and the Sarge having farting competitions, the smell in that place certainly hasn't improved, despite the drains being renewed at the same time.
Welcome to the asylum ... kiss

Calista x

3 Jun 2005

Me late Gran used to be a nun, well part time. It was during the war when beer and fags were in short supply and what with me grandad going off to war she said Fluck this for a game of soldiers I may as well be a nun.
Of course it was short lived, as soon as she got her weekly ration and was in the pub entertaining the troops. The sally army came round selling war something or other and to see me nan sat round a table in her habit fag in one hand pint of red barrel in the other well can you imagine.....

3 Jun 2005

Quote by Maia
Bloody fantastic!! Please Mods, can we keep him? I have a spare drawer that he can have.
.

Mia !!! I have my eye on him :rascal: He's going nowhere with a post like that !

3 Jun 2005

Yes yes
but what about this spare drawer i have? I have even lined it with the fluffy stuff from my spatchcock cat's underbelly... lush or what... lol

:lol:

3 Jun 2005

Ooooh lush !!!!!! Mia.......... cool

you think of everything.............fancy sharing... :rascal:

3 Jun 2005

hee hee.....
the drawer or the spatchcock cat? he has a wibbly wobbly belly and he purrs when i jiggle it.... and also dribble rather copiously... why is that always so with the men in my life? confused

I suppose at least my cat dribbles from his mouth...

3 Jun 2005

Sorry, showing my ignorance here, but what is a spatchcock cat? dunno

3 Jun 2005

Quote by littlemee
Sorry, showing my ignorance here, but what is a spatchcock cat?

I was wondering too, Littlemee. Only spatchcock I know of is opening out a chicken beofre you cook it :shock:

3 Jun 2005

Quote by freckledbird
Sorry, showing my ignorance here, but what is a spatchcock cat?

I was wondering too, Littlemee. Only spatchcock I know of is opening out a chicken beofre you cook it :shock:
I thought it was opened out & grilled or roasted but either way not something to describe a cat by!!! confused

3 Jun 2005

Quote by littlemee
Sorry, showing my ignorance here, but what is a spatchcock cat?

aha....
i have a special cat (yes it alive and real) which can splay out his back legs so he looks like he is spatchcocked (yes, like the chicken). Due to this wonderful talent, and his habit of sitting on the compost heap, plus his sloth like behaviour, my spatchcock cat has to get his underbelly de-slugged every evening when he comes in.
Clear now?

3 Jun 2005

Quote by Maia
Clear now?

As mud!!! But enough about your pussy......you've hijacked another thread. Poor Oni!!!

3 Jun 2005

Quote by Maia
Yes yes
but what about this spare drawer i have? I have even lined it with the fluffy stuff from my spatchcock cat's underbelly... lush or what... :lol:

I have given deep and careful consideration to whether or not I should hop in to your drawers ( sorry I ment drawer) And after three seconds of such deep and careful consideration, I decided that it will be better if you know me a bit better first
Below is a whisper I recently received while minding my own business in a chat room. Read it, and see if Im your kinda man smile

NaughtyNurse : Hi, are you a real Fireman?
Oni : I'm as real as Pamela Anderson's boobs. Are you a real nurse?
NaughtyNurse : sure I am
Oni : lol
NaughtyNurse : fancy typing with your left hand for a few minutes?
Oni : Pardon?
NaughtyNurse : want to caress the salami you fuckwit?
Oni : Go away, you wretched woman. I don't cyber - that's for sad losers with large boils on their bums.
NaughtyNurse : I'm sweating, let me just loosen my blouse a little...that's better
Oni : I'll tell the room.
NaughtyNurse : squeal like Ned Beatty in Deliverance if you want, no one will believe you
Oni : They believed me when I squealed on CyberGirl4U.
NaughtyNurse : cybergirl hates your fag ass, no one believed that shit
Oni : They did. I'm very well respected.
NaughtyNurse : it's really hot, let me just pop these melons out for some cool air
Oni : I bet they're smelly...sort of like toasted cheese?
NaughtyNurse : do you like woman smells?
Oni : No. They scare me... remind me of when I was 9 and kissed my grandma... and she slipped me the tongue...I cried.
Oni : <grabs Oni's head and clasps it to her bosom>
Oni : NO!
NaughtyNurse : did you not like that?
Oni : Stop that!
NaughtyNurse : whoops, my panties just slipped around my ankles
Oni : Did they?
NaughtyNurse : yes, ah that breeze is cool
Oni : Are your panties dirty?
NaughtyNurse : do you want them to be?
Oni : Yes.
NaughtyNurse : they're filthy, my husband makes me wear them for weeks at a time
Oni : <groans>
NaughtyNurse : <removes her panties from around her ankles and drapes them across Oni's monitor>
Oni : <groans>
Oni : I can't see what you are typing now.
NaughtyNurse : well, take them off the monitor
Oni : Okay, that's better.
NaughtyNurse : where did you put my panties?
Oni : I put them over on the sofa on top of some plastic. They reek of dried pig shit crusts steeped in industrial ammonia and then sprayed with elephant repellent. But I can still see them from here, and smell them.
NaughtyNurse : emm, ok
NaughtyNurse : you aren't too good at this cybering thing, are you!
Oni : How dare you! I'm brilliant at everything I do. You wretched female!
NaughtyNurse : women disgust you, don't they?
Oni : No. I love women, except my ex-wife... the heartless bitch... and Jill that slut who stomped on my heart...and Alison who cheated on me...and Mary who gave me a particularly nasty STD...and grandma...and...
NaughtyNurse : yeah, yeah...you're just a repressed fag
Oni : ...and Julia who ate my... pardon? What did you just call me?
NaughtyNurse : oh fuck off you loser, go rent a Tom Selleck movie and compare moustaches
Oni : Bitch! Slut! Vile Temptress! Harlot! Jezebel! Whore of Babylon!
NaughtyNurse has left the conversation.

3 Jun 2005

the place is picking up
:rotflmao:

3 Jun 2005

Maia reconsiders letting Oni loose on her cat's lush underbelly fluff lined drawer... :shock: :shock:
:P :P

3 Jun 2005

Quote by Maia
Maia reconsiders letting Oni loose on her cat's lush underbelly fluff lined drawer... :shock: :shock:
:P :P

My drawers lined with belly button fluff, which isn't very lush but it is plentiful so it seemed a shame to let it go to waste.

3 Jun 2005

Quote by littlemee
Maia reconsiders letting Oni loose on her cat's lush underbelly fluff lined drawer... :shock: :shock:
:P :P

My drawers lined with belly button fluff, which isn't very lush but it is plentiful so it seemed a shame to let it go to waste.
Is your belly button fluff blue by any chance?