The Swinging Heaven Gazette is sorry to announce the unexpected death of a local ‘character’, Mr. Arthur Joseph Houseman Tificer, known to his many friends as ‘Arti’.
Mr Tificer, one of the last true locals, died in tragic circumstances when his Land Rover overturned, whilst pursuing a runaway sheepdog called Fly. Friends said he had pledged to, ‘catch that bloody dog if it killed him’, which it apparently did.
Born in the parish, he was brought up by his Grandmother, and attended the local school, although not often. Lying about his age-he was apparently skilled at lying-he left school at thirteen, and worked as a farm labourer and Smallholder for the rest of his life.
Mr Tificer was a well-known breeder of livestock and scored many successes in the local Agricultural Show. It is rumoured that ‘Sweaty Betty’, erstwhile barmaid of ‘The Bull and Dog’, was the most widely acclaimed of these. However, he is best remembered for his internationally recognised knowledge of ferrets and ferreting. He published the seminal treatise on this ancient art called, ‘Let Go Of Me Finger You Little Bastard’. The book was translated into several languages, including English.
He had a huge appetite for rugby, indeed he is said to have had a huge appetite, period. He often quipped that the happiest moments in his life had involved ‘balls and sweaty arses’. England’s recent victory in The World Cup brought the best out of ‘Arti’: it brought eight pints of best, half a gallon of cider, and a bottle of rum. It is said that the spot where he disgorged this torrent has never grown grass again and is still monitored as a pollution-risk by the authorities.
His passion for nature was legendary, and he was prosecuted for answering its call in the doorway of the local Co-op.
Locals were quick to mourn his passing, although the majority were quicker to pass the morning: elsewhere. One of his associates, Mr. ‘Knocker Jones’, said that he was, ‘devastated by his death, as the tight-fisted bugger still owed him twenty quid and a ewe’. Local Vicar, The Reverend Neverend, told us that was a regular attendee at St. Cattus in the Pidgins, and was seen at both his baptism and funeral. ‘Shorty’ Backfire, Landlord of the Bull and Dog, Mr. Tificer’s favourite watering hole, was quoted as saying that the death was, ‘a black day for his business prospects’.
PC FC, local Beat Officer, was called in for the funeral, as heavy traffic was expected. This proved to be the case as a very heavy tank was seen to cruise by, driven by a military man, apparently having difficulty in steering due to bouts of uncontrolled laughter. The funeral service was packed with friends from near and, well, near. Both of them brought floral tributes, which were laid, side-by-side, on the cardboard coffin.
‘Arti’ and ‘Choked’ formed a fitting memorial to this much-loved man.
And so, Mr Tificer, has been laid to rest, in a churchyard packed with the graves of his many forbears, including the well-known cereal expert, Don Quick, famous for the now extinct ‘Don Quick’s Oat’
Mr. Tificer, in an eery bout of prescience, had composed his own eulogy, and left instructions with local stonemason, ‘Chisel’ Beech, to inscribe his headstone thus:
No more wenches
No more rugger,
Being dead is
Just a bugger.
Dunner blubber
Dunner werret,
Just mek sure
You feeds me ferret.
‘Arti’: Gone and best forgotten.
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Obituary from The Swinging Heaven Gazette
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Sex God
The very sad passing of a dearly loved member of the Forum and under very sad circumstances too.
It would be an honour to be organist for the funeral. Were I asked, I would certainly like to include 'Nimrod' by Elgar and, of course, 'Jerusalem'.
In view of his passion for rugby I am sure that I could work in 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot' somewhere too.
Farewell Arti, you will be sadly missed.
Will
It would be an honour to be organist for the funeral. Were I asked, I would certainly like to include 'Nimrod' by Elgar and, of course, 'Jerusalem'.
In view of his passion for rugby I am sure that I could work in 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot' somewhere too.
Farewell Arti, you will be sadly missed.
Will
Arti
Never got round to telling you that my favourite book as a child was Lorna Doone. Talking with you was one of the strangest experiences in my life as often I felt that I was talking to myself (NO not literally you know what I mean my friend). Leaving here all together will be very hard for you and trust me I have tried. So keep popping in with your wit and intelligent humour to keep us all on our toes. We need you here darling Arti.
Love Corriexxxxx
Never got round to telling you that my favourite book as a child was Lorna Doone. Talking with you was one of the strangest experiences in my life as often I felt that I was talking to myself (NO not literally you know what I mean my friend). Leaving here all together will be very hard for you and trust me I have tried. So keep popping in with your wit and intelligent humour to keep us all on our toes. We need you here darling Arti.
Love Corriexxxxx
Sex God
See ya in the next life, Arti 
Orgasminator
Arti,
I was hoping that the reports of your demise were premature. It seems they weren't.
If you wish to be really politically incorrect ask for "For When the Saints" by Satchmo.
I was hoping that the reports of your demise were premature. It seems they weren't.
If you wish to be really politically incorrect ask for "For When the Saints" by Satchmo.
Sex God
I have a feeling that Mr Don Quick sowed a few of his oats and that one of his posterities may appear hereabouts 
: I hope I'm not wrong.
: I hope I'm not wrong. 
Sex God
Arti I will miss you very much, but you may not know that your Fly survived, buy the skin of his fur.
I saw him advertised in the local vets columm in the Swinging Heaven Gazette, for bereaved dogs.
I quickly scooped him up and brought him back to my humble home. He will be okay eventually, he is very nervous around anything that sounds like an engine, but that is to be expected.
I will not retrain him just yet, the girlie ways he has aquired from the girlies in GFZ might serve useful to him for his mourning for you .
Goodbye dear friend
I saw him advertised in the local vets columm in the Swinging Heaven Gazette, for bereaved dogs.
I quickly scooped him up and brought him back to my humble home. He will be okay eventually, he is very nervous around anything that sounds like an engine, but that is to be expected.
I will not retrain him just yet, the girlie ways he has aquired from the girlies in GFZ might serve useful to him for his mourning for you .
Goodbye dear friend
