1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. Beds have strange L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
5. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
6. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
7. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
10. People on TV never finish their drinks.
11. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
12. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
13. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
14. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
15. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
16. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
17. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
19. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
23. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
24. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
25. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
26. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
27. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
28. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
29. Dogs always know how to spot villains and will bark at them and no one else.
30. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
31. When they are alone, all foreigners somehow prefer to speak English to each other.
32. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
33. There's always a chainsaw around when you need one.
34. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
35. All bombs are fitted with helpful electronic timing devices that have large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
36. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
37. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
39. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
40. If the phone rings in the night you can turn on the light and you don’t even blink regardless of how much sleep you have had.
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Observations from TV programs.....?
Quote by rocky horror
4. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
10. People on TV never finish their drinks.
Excellent and true, I would add that all guns on TV never need reloading unless there is some dialog to be exchanged and come with 1000 round clips.
Also that a good wooden table will protect you from these mythical tv rounds. Lucky really as almost any real round would happily go through the table, you, and a reasonable distance in the wall beyond...
As for 4 and 10, Tis true, but these days most planes do land themselves, and for 10 medics never get to finish their coffee either so I can sympathise ;)
Sex God
and in soap operas,
no one owns a washing machine so EVERYone uses the laundrette.
everyone goes to the same pub every night.
no one cooks their own breakfast, instead they eat it at the cafe.
and everyone has a job within a 5 min walk of thier house.
no one owns a washing machine so EVERYone uses the laundrette.
everyone goes to the same pub every night.
no one cooks their own breakfast, instead they eat it at the cafe.
and everyone has a job within a 5 min walk of thier house.
In the event of meteors, hostile aliens and freak weather conditions, the United States of America will save the world.
Lipstick will only come off on a man if he is about to be caught out.
Nobody goes to the loo first before being rescued or departing on a life or death mission.
Strangers in a town always know exactly where to go.
In car chases through busy city streets, only the innocent get pranged.
Sappho xxx
Lipstick will only come off on a man if he is about to be caught out.
Nobody goes to the loo first before being rescued or departing on a life or death mission.
Strangers in a town always know exactly where to go.
In car chases through busy city streets, only the innocent get pranged.
Sappho xxx
When hit by a shotgun blast in a drive-by shooting, the hero will be magically attracted to the closest shop window, which will conveniently be made from safety glass and thus will not break into lethal shards that turn said hero into human sushi. The hero will of course have been wwearing his trusty bullet-proof vest and will be miraculously unharmed...
In Soaps evey member of staff in the shop knows which are "my usual cigars" and in the pub they all know what every one drinks, so when ordering all you have to say is "four pints love". When you give them the money you have to say "I think you'll find that's right" and amazingly it always is!!
There are always as many bar staff working on a Wednesday afternoon as there are on a Friday night and the people stood at the bar in the background can howl with laughter without making any noise!!
There are always as many bar staff working on a Wednesday afternoon as there are on a Friday night and the people stood at the bar in the background can howl with laughter without making any noise!!
# Good guys use Apple computers, bad guys use PCs
# Word processors never display a cursor.
# You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
# All monitors display inch-high letters.
# High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
# Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
# Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress")
# All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
# Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
# All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
# People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
# A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
# Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).
# Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
# When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
# If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
# No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
# Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
# Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
# Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001")
# Word processors never display a cursor.
# You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
# All monitors display inch-high letters.
# High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
# Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
# Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress")
# All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
# Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
# All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
# People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
# A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
# Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).
# Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
# When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
# If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
# No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
# Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
# Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
# Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001")
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:And of course, if you're Jeff Goldblum, you can in one night, whilst drunk, use an Apple computer to create a virus that can disable the defenses of an entire alien invasion fleet, despite having no prior knowledge of the computer hardware the aliens use, or the operating system running on said hardware. Wow, I really want Jeff Goldblum around next time we're invaded by aliens