Oral Sex and Farting

10 Dec 2005

Hah! - this is an easy one. The answer to the conundrum is PROXIMITY!
If yer a bloke you can fart anytime 'cos the recipient of the little treasure is least 10 inches ( redface

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: ) away.
OK so the guys are off the hook!
If yer a woman - thaings ain't so simple. :shock: Conventional cunnilingus is probably OK as long as he ain't givin' ya the old long strokes - from yer arse to yer elbow so to speak. Even then it could be just a matter of good timing :shock: :shock: :shock:
The real problems start when a 69 is in operation - just think of it gals - trapped between two luscious thighs giving it the reals works and all you can see on the horizon is summat brown and wrinkled. Now you wouldn't do that would ya - nah - you wouldn't - would ya??????

10 Dec 2005

ops: :oops:
So you heard too ... oh shit
DD pmsl

10 Dec 2005

Well I have to admit H did it to me once (hopefully this thread will have disappeared before she sees it).
It was a silent but (cabbagey) violent.... :shock:
Being the gentleman that I am I just carried on and held me breath wink

........... Oh and she never said a word rolleyes

10 Dec 2005

Quote by Him'nHer
........... Oh and she never said a word

Except........paaaaaaaaarp! :giggle: Oh sorry - you said it was silent - Ok paaaaaaarp! (very quietly!)

10 Dec 2005

:shock: :shock: Omg why do I keep coming back to this thread?

10 Dec 2005

Quote by Angel Chat
:shock: :shock: Omg why do I keep coming back to this thread?

you think that's bad .... we've got stomach flu doing the rounds in this house and yes we're both horny
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
cx

10 Dec 2005

Quote by Angel Chat
:shock: :shock: Omg why do I keep coming back to this thread?

Just to show me yer avatar ya sexy thing!

10 Dec 2005

10 Dec 2005

Quote by DreamerHelen
Or do you just let rip when the guy or woman is down there?

Thanks helen thats the best laugh ive had all night when i read that line lol

10 Dec 2005

Image removed due to complaint from forum, member ( nameless regular)
have replaced it with an image I hope that individual finds less offensive .
In the spirit of Liberalism the board represents .

10 Dec 2005

No, please that's just wrong :cry: :cry: :cry:

10 Dec 2005

did I go too far AGAIN ?? :twisted:

10 Dec 2005

OMG I was OK whilst we were aeolian but fluvial and sedimentary - no thanks!! Jeez!

10 Dec 2005

Thats not funny
Its hillarious
lol

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

11 Dec 2005

LoL......thanks for making me laugh on a day when I don't want to laugh.... lol

11 Dec 2005

Quote by devondelight
think the worst one was when I ate spinach once and I did more than fart while my lover was busy pleasuring me.

:eeek: :eeek: :eeek: :eeek: :eeek: :eeek:

11 Dec 2005

NN!
dont u dere fart if im there not with out a peg anyway hun lol

11 Dec 2005

Oral sex is not oral sex without a blast from ya arse :shock: :shock: the time to give up oral sex is when poo is on ya nose ya dont want that :scared:.
was going to say shit but Jane said no Dave xxxx

11 Dec 2005

Quote by djcouple
Oral sex is not oral sex without a blast from ya arse :shock: :shock: the time to give up oral sex is when poo is on ya nose ya dont want that :scared:.
was going to say shit but Jane said no Dave xxxx

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao::rotflmao:
Jane was right :giggle:
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

11 Dec 2005

Quote by blonde
Oral sex is not oral sex without a blast from ya arse :shock: :shock: the time to give up oral sex is when poo is on ya nose ya dont want that :scared:.
was going to say shit but Jane said no Dave xxxx

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao::rotflmao:
Jane was right :giggle:
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Could have said MARMITE

11 Dec 2005

Quote by djcouple
Oral sex is not oral sex without a blast from ya arse :shock: :shock: the time to give up oral sex is when poo is on ya nose ya dont want that :scared:.
was going to say shit but Jane said no Dave xxxx

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao::rotflmao:
Jane was right :giggle:
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Could have said MARMITE

I've just fainted !

11 Dec 2005

I'd prefer Marmite to the other brown stuff
Bovril
P.S I always find Brussel Sprouts and Parsnips make for a particularly sweet smelling gas.... Don't do oral after a traditional Sunday Lunch.
How the F**K did we get on to this subject :shock:

14 Dec 2005

Seem to remember De Sade had a thing about farting in peoples' mouths. His writings are peppered with it. I've never been blasted when giving oral but sometimes my lover would let one go when we were snuggled up together. I asked her if she was blowing me a kiss.
I did get an unexpected mouthful of wee once during a 69 but that doesn't have the same ring about it does it?!

14 Dec 2005

Seem to remember De Sade had a thing about farting in peoples' mouths. His writings are peppered with it. I've never been blasted when giving oral but sometimes my lover would let one go when we were snuggled up together. I asked her if she was blowing me a kiss.
I did get an unexpected mouthful of wee once during a 69 but that doesn't have the same ring about it does it?!

15 Dec 2005

Quote by djcouple
Oral sex is not oral sex without a blast from ya arse :shock: :shock: the time to give up oral sex is when poo is on ya nose ya dont want that :scared:.
was going to say shit but Jane said no Dave xxxx

Well I'm glad Jane saved us all from that particular distinction! wink

15 Dec 2005

Quote by Phoenix
I'd prefer Marmite to the other brown stuff
Bovril
P.S I always find Brussel Sprouts and Parsnips make for a particularly sweet smelling gas.... Don't do oral after a traditional Sunday Lunch.
How the F**K did we get on to this subject :shock:

Mmm Bovril... The only drinkable stuff from the vending machine at work. Great hangover cure!

15 Dec 2005

Quote by sercher01
NN!
dont u dere fart if im there not with out a peg anyway hun

i've already stated quite clear that i don't fart

20 Dec 2005

Well I was going to introduce myself on a new thread but I can't resist putting in my two penneth.
I very recently had an experience similar to mattyduk. I was 69ing my lady friend and I have to say I never saw it coming. It gave me a centre parting I don't seem to be able to comb out Lol. ( only joking ). We both had a good laugh about it and then got back to work obviously she was embarrassed about it but we got over it. thankfully it wasn't fragrant.
given what you're doing in the first place you should be able to overlook an accidental emmision. Now if you Ladies start blowing the bugle on purpose then we're gonna have to talk Lol
Rob

20 Dec 2005

Damn this has given me a giggle lol

The worst thing is when you've had such a build up to a meet and you're nervious is that no matter what you've eaten you just know you're going to let rip...
So you hold it...
You feel the preasure build up during the social part of the evening... and when you go for a wee and wash you still dont let rip just incase your host(s) decide they wish to empty the bladder before the main course of the evening...
Time moves on, and instead of a normal release of gas you feel the presure move up from the colon into the stomach and your belly swell... just as you're offered another extra fizzy beer or soft drink that you gulp down to be polite....
Then you're upstairs, or the quilt has been thrown on the floor in the living room and things start to warm up... the blood moves from the brain to the crotch and the crotch swells nearly as much as the presure in your stomach... you gulp in air and hope to god that my clenching your buttocks so tight that even if you were set adrift in the vacume of space you'd be air tight and live....
You lay down on your back as your play partner moves above you and marvels at the stiffness of your cock (its only that stiff cos your arse clench has now progressed to the point that nothing is flowing anyway out of the lower part of your body... including blood and you're seriously liable to develop deep vain thrombosis) and you start to sixty nine each other (and if you're lucky someone else gets behind her and starts to thrust as you lick her clit to orgasum... (sorry started to think of a story to write for the other section)) and the preasure builds....
Its getting worse now... despite no visably outward signs your're now so bound with presure were it not for the fact that your stomach muscles are now clenched you would resemble a hot watter bottle that some prat has blow up into a baloon to show what huge lungs he has....
Finaly you shift and enter her...
Then your mind starts to colapse... self control goes...
And as you pull out you are propelled by about 800 ponds per square inch of thrust into her... each outward movement results in no effort as the gas thats built up over 4 hours shoots you forward with more effort than is used to lift the space shuttle....
As the poor knackered woman lies before you with a sheen of sweat and a slightly dazed expression of post orgasmic bliss you make your excuse and hurridly get dressed... just before she passes out from a mix of pleasure and hydrogen sulphate gas.
Satisfied that your job is done you start the long journey home... hoping that she has recovered and has not suffocated... when...
You see a huge fireball 2 miles away erupt throwing slates and tiles into the air and the ground vibrating with the intence force despite your distance....
And you mutter to yourself... I knew they smoked and were waiting for me to leave before sparking up!

20 Dec 2005

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I love this thread!!!! wink